tirkaro
Smash Champion
Link to original post: [drupal=3334]5 Mediocre games with completely wasted potential.[/drupal]
There's some bad games I'm willing to forgive. Such of them are crappy movie titles, known for rushed development schedules and more or less acting as a cheap cash-in. I don't really expect much of them, nor should you. In fact, crappy games are just things we all expect, and don't bother questioning, like male nipples or your mom's moaning coming from her bedroom every night. (If you know what I mean. (I mean she's a *****)) Surely, asking Carnival Party Baybez 3 to be anything but crap is just asking too much out of this imperfect world.
But then there are these games. Games with such Ball Splittingly Epic premises that just fail to deliver. Most of them aren't particularly terrible games, but just downright mediocre, and that is simply unforgivable. And sad thing is, I've run into far to many of these disappointing titles that I'm now capable of making a list of them. Sad isn't it?
(Note that the following are all games I've played. There's probably a bunch of other crappy games smelling of disappointment that I've missed, but yeah.)
5- GRAFFITI KINGDOM
In many ways, this game falls squarely into the "pretty good, but could have been much better" category. For those not in the know, Graffiti Kingdom's main draw (HAHAHA I MAKE FUNNY) is that you can pretty much create your own player characters by making a drawing. It's actually a surprisingly easy-to-use, yet incredibly in-depth, 3d modeling program built in the game, and it pretty much allows you to make anything whatsoever playable. (And yes, I'll admit I tried to make my ****** playable as well. Didn't go too well, since the canvas wasn't nearly as big enough for it. Shame.)
While the creation system is certainly outstanding, this game sadly has the misfortune of starting a trend carried on by Drawn to Life and 3D Dot Game Heroes; That is, the dev team puts all their effort into the creation system, and pretty much leaves the gameplay feeling boring and bland. See, this game is a platformer in a similar vein of Crash Bandicoot or other PS1-era Mario 64 cash-ins. As such, it's terribly spartan and rather unremarkable. Still the Character Creation system is still entertaining enough to warrant the $10 I paid for it, so it's not all bad, just could have been much better had actual effort been put into the gameplay.
4- NEON GENESIS EVANGELION: BATTLE ORCHESTRA
A rather odd sect of Licensed games exist in the genre of "Anime Fighting Game." Unlike much licensed garbage, Anime Fighters have a rather large number of games that are actually quite decent, if not better. In fact, 2 of my favorite games of all time, (Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and Jump Ultimate Stars) fall into said category, meaning Animu Fighters certainly don't f*** around. But sadly, EVA: Battle Orchestra is not one of those games.
I bought this during this time when I just managed to hack my PSdouble and was buying any imported crap that caught my eye on the webs, and such was how this game managed to come into my hands.
Basically, I only need 7 words to describe should-be masterpiece: Super Smash Bros with Neon Genesis Evangelion.
No really, think of that again. SUPER SMASH BROS WITH NEON GENESIS EVANGELION.
NO SERIOUSLY, THIS IS THE GREATEST UNLIKELY GAMEPLAY MATCH UP TO EVER BE THOUGHT UP. SERIOUSLY, I WANT TO BE AT THAT ****ING CONFERENCE WHEN THEY THOUGHT UP THIS IDEA.
Okay so...like....we need to make another Evangelion cash-in. What should we do this time?
Well, how about we make another dating sim, or maybe some Rei dress up game, or perhaps...
HEY I HAVE AN IDEA F*GGOTS, HOW ABOUT WE F*CK ALL OF THAT AND MAKE F*CKING SMASH BROS, BUT NOT JUST YOUR MOM'S SMASH BROS THIS GAME HAS F*CKING MECHS FROM EVANGELION SHOOTING EACHOTHER WITH MACHINE GUNS AND SH*T AND LETS PUT IN MOTHERF*CKING GUNBUSTER IN THERE AS WELL AND THEY ALL BLOW THE CRAP OUT OF THE EACHOTHER LIKE A MOTHERFCUCKING NIGHT AT FIDDY'S PLACE SHIIIIIT
HOLY SH*T THAT'S F*CKING AWESOME
Sadly, it seems the dev team wasn't nearly as awesome as the people who conceived this piece of win, as Battle Orchestra manages to be completely mediocre all around, not even up to the level of TMNT: Smash Up. (Don't think that's a complement Smash Up. You're still pretty crap.)
3- BATTLE CONSTRUCTION VEHICLES
There's a really, really saddening trend in cheap, budget games. Since budget titles tend to get pumped out without much worry about big-time marketing or such, a lot of incredibly awesome concepts get used for crap shovelware. This is showcased most obviously by motherf*ckin' BATTLE CONSTRUCTION VEHICLES.
Battle Construction Vehicles is one of those titles that are made incredibly epic simply from the title alone. No seriously: CONSTRUCTION VEHICLES. BATTLING. If you don't see the appeal, you were never a male child.
BCV is a rather obscure, low-budget Japanese PS2 shovelware that you could probably get for dirt cheap at the european interbutss (I just pirated my copy, like a real man). My advice: if you want to simply appreciate the epic win of the concept, just admire the screenshots and boxart. Otherwise, if you want to have your dreams crushed, simply play the game, or read this more in-depth overview that got me into this game in the first place. Basically, you need only to see the embedded video to realize how terrible this game truly is. However, it appalls me that this combination between fighting and construction machines has never been done before prior to this work of conceptual art, so I'll give it a perfect 10/10 just for that.
2- BLEACH: SHATTERED BLADE
Perhaps you may think of it as odd for me to expect much out of this game. Indeed, cheap animu cash-ins on the wii are pretty much a dime a dozen, and are mostly thoroughly mediocre. (Though there are some exceptional ones.)
However, in order to truly understand my soul-crushing disappointment with this game, let me take you back to the prehistoric era of 2006.
Nintendo had just wrapped up their showcase of the Wii and holy crap did they make a splash. Not only did they showcase the then awesome-sounding motion control along with a plethora of other features for the Wii, they also had an all-star lineup of amazing titles like Zelda: Twilight Princess, Metroid Prime 3, Excite Truck, f*cking SUPER SMASH BROS. BRAWL (back when it looked awesome(SMRIK2)), hell, pretty much anything coming with the system looked like sex on a disc. However, one game trailer then came out which absolutely sealed the deal like no other. The absolute cherry on top of the "Oh My God, This Is Freaking Awesome" sundae. That trailer was this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgQ_FEOVCG4&fmt=18
Okay, maybe it's not all that great looking back at it now, but you really had to see it before the Wii was released. Back then, the Wiimote controller was pretty much Video game Jesus. It could no wrong, and would heal all of our sins or something. And no game showcased it quite like the trailer for the Bleach: Wii game. All you could think was "JESUS H. MOTHERBALLSMAN THEY'RE FIGHTING EACHOTHER WITH SWORDS USING WIIMOTES HOLY **** THIS IS INCREDIBLE AAAHSHSFJGFJNFG."
This crap was goddam revolutionary back then, and Bleach Wii more than satisfied our craving for a Wii-based sword fighter. And this is coming from someone who has pretty much no experience whatsoever with the Bleach Manga outside of video games, so that's saying something.
Sadly, the game came out in America in late 2007, and in between that, we learned the hard way that motion control didn't make everything so great. The wii was stuffed to the gills with 3rd party shovelware, crushing our dreams with harsh reality. And Bleach Wii was no exception when it came out. The game is a more or less a Wiimote-Waggling mess, and comes short all throughout. You could say this is more or less me expressing disappointment for the Wii period, but there still some quality titles being pumped out just now. (Took a while, but at least it's here) This also includes the sequel, Bleach vs Crusade, which is definitely an improvement, but still none too special.
1- YANYA CABALLISTA: CITY SKATER
;_;
no really.
;_;
This is the only emotion that comes from me upon even mentioning this game.
I mentioned this game in another list nobody read, so here it is again, and more or less the centerpiece of this entire blog post. Yanya Caballista is just an incredibly depressing game, and I cannot possibly express that enough.
If "Crappy games that wasted an incredible concept" was an olympic sport, the Olympics would have to make a diamond-plated platinum Medal soaked in the twang (?) juices of Lady GaGa just for this game. That's how bad it is.
First off, let me ease you into the concept of this game: Remember fingerboarding? You'd take a small toy skateboard and ride your fingers on it and some crap like that. That sh*t was all the rage in the 90s, and man do I have some good memories of those days. Now, take the concept of fingerboarding, and turn it into the control scheme for a game. Yes, they could do that back in 2001. Basically, the game came with a special wheeless fingerboard that attached itself to the analog sticks of the PS2 controller, and that's how you control the game. Yeah, that's mind blowing enough, ain't it? Well guess what!? We ain't done here yet!
The game's graphics are absolutely incredible. The game has a cel-shaded style very similar to SEGA's Jet Set Radio, and you skate through a beautifully twisted and warped version of San Fransisco. The characters are absolutely ridiculous and over-the-top.(Which makes them awesome.) Such include a Magician, a guy with Super Saiyan hair, a Grandma who wears her baby grandson on her back (and assists her with tricks), and the Blue Meanie's inbred cousin. Sound awesome enough? WELL TO BAD! The epic doesn't stop there!
This game also has a plot: Basically Aliens are invading San Fransisco, and you have to use your skateboarding powers to do so much awesome sh*t, it makes the aliens Explode out of sheer ******ery. Not to mention you'll eventually get challenged to skating duels by other evil aliens.
Did you get all that? I mean, really? Let me state this for you again:
YOU PRETTY MUCH USE YOUR MAD FINGERBOARDING SKILLS TO EXPLODE THE CRAP OUT OF A BUNCH OF EVIL SKATEBOARDING ALIENS.
J-Jesus Christ! It's like some guy in Japan managed to hack into my brain and just stuff in everything I could have ever wanted in a video game, and stuff it onto a single DVD. This is incredible. This is amazing! There's no way this game could possibly be bad, right? RIGHT!?
Pictured: My face upon disappointment
It just pains me horribly to talk about the game itself, especially since it's presentation is absolutely amazing. Sadly, the game itself doesn't live up to it one iota.
The fingerboarding controls in the end are quite poorly implemented. First off, the game's biggest flaw: There are only a grand total of 4 tricks you can do in the entire game. Yes, 4. You're given the privilege of complete fingerboarding controls, and all you can do are 4 crappy tricks. They are: Flip, Grab, Spin, and Grind. Yes, that's all you're allowed to do. All these interesting characters, all the charisma the game contains, and the innovation of a finderboarding controller, and the fact that you're supposed to fight ALIENS with your skillz....and all you can do are 4 basic beginner moves.
Basically, "scoring" in the game involves somehow getting big air and comboing all these tricks together, rinse and repeat. I normally have a high tolerance level for simplistic games, but there is a freakin' line I have to draw here, and Yanya Caballista just jumps right over it while spamming a bunch of basic moves.
Oh, and the controls themself are pretty crappy. It's nearly impossible to pull off a grind, and the whole system feels way more clunky than it should. Combine that with woefully repetitive gameplay, and you have yourself one very depressing game.
But you know what? As terrible as the game is, I've always thought Yanya Caballista was one of those games that really, really, deserved a second chance. With the newfangled motion controls of the Wii and Move, Yanya's fingerboarding scheme would be a perfect fit now. Such amazing presentation simply cannot go to waste, and end up forgotten as simple PS2 shovelware. This game deserves justice dammit, and I wont rest until it does. And if Koei doesn't do it, hell, I'll just make a buttload of money, move to Japan, and fund it myself. That's how much I want a sequel to this game. This and the oft forgotten Gotcha Force. (Oooh, is that some forshadowing?)
There's some bad games I'm willing to forgive. Such of them are crappy movie titles, known for rushed development schedules and more or less acting as a cheap cash-in. I don't really expect much of them, nor should you. In fact, crappy games are just things we all expect, and don't bother questioning, like male nipples or your mom's moaning coming from her bedroom every night. (If you know what I mean. (I mean she's a *****)) Surely, asking Carnival Party Baybez 3 to be anything but crap is just asking too much out of this imperfect world.
But then there are these games. Games with such Ball Splittingly Epic premises that just fail to deliver. Most of them aren't particularly terrible games, but just downright mediocre, and that is simply unforgivable. And sad thing is, I've run into far to many of these disappointing titles that I'm now capable of making a list of them. Sad isn't it?
(Note that the following are all games I've played. There's probably a bunch of other crappy games smelling of disappointment that I've missed, but yeah.)
5- GRAFFITI KINGDOM
In many ways, this game falls squarely into the "pretty good, but could have been much better" category. For those not in the know, Graffiti Kingdom's main draw (HAHAHA I MAKE FUNNY) is that you can pretty much create your own player characters by making a drawing. It's actually a surprisingly easy-to-use, yet incredibly in-depth, 3d modeling program built in the game, and it pretty much allows you to make anything whatsoever playable. (And yes, I'll admit I tried to make my ****** playable as well. Didn't go too well, since the canvas wasn't nearly as big enough for it. Shame.)
While the creation system is certainly outstanding, this game sadly has the misfortune of starting a trend carried on by Drawn to Life and 3D Dot Game Heroes; That is, the dev team puts all their effort into the creation system, and pretty much leaves the gameplay feeling boring and bland. See, this game is a platformer in a similar vein of Crash Bandicoot or other PS1-era Mario 64 cash-ins. As such, it's terribly spartan and rather unremarkable. Still the Character Creation system is still entertaining enough to warrant the $10 I paid for it, so it's not all bad, just could have been much better had actual effort been put into the gameplay.
4- NEON GENESIS EVANGELION: BATTLE ORCHESTRA
A rather odd sect of Licensed games exist in the genre of "Anime Fighting Game." Unlike much licensed garbage, Anime Fighters have a rather large number of games that are actually quite decent, if not better. In fact, 2 of my favorite games of all time, (Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and Jump Ultimate Stars) fall into said category, meaning Animu Fighters certainly don't f*** around. But sadly, EVA: Battle Orchestra is not one of those games.
I bought this during this time when I just managed to hack my PSdouble and was buying any imported crap that caught my eye on the webs, and such was how this game managed to come into my hands.
Basically, I only need 7 words to describe should-be masterpiece: Super Smash Bros with Neon Genesis Evangelion.
No really, think of that again. SUPER SMASH BROS WITH NEON GENESIS EVANGELION.
NO SERIOUSLY, THIS IS THE GREATEST UNLIKELY GAMEPLAY MATCH UP TO EVER BE THOUGHT UP. SERIOUSLY, I WANT TO BE AT THAT ****ING CONFERENCE WHEN THEY THOUGHT UP THIS IDEA.
Okay so...like....we need to make another Evangelion cash-in. What should we do this time?
Well, how about we make another dating sim, or maybe some Rei dress up game, or perhaps...
HEY I HAVE AN IDEA F*GGOTS, HOW ABOUT WE F*CK ALL OF THAT AND MAKE F*CKING SMASH BROS, BUT NOT JUST YOUR MOM'S SMASH BROS THIS GAME HAS F*CKING MECHS FROM EVANGELION SHOOTING EACHOTHER WITH MACHINE GUNS AND SH*T AND LETS PUT IN MOTHERF*CKING GUNBUSTER IN THERE AS WELL AND THEY ALL BLOW THE CRAP OUT OF THE EACHOTHER LIKE A MOTHERFCUCKING NIGHT AT FIDDY'S PLACE SHIIIIIT
HOLY SH*T THAT'S F*CKING AWESOME
Sadly, it seems the dev team wasn't nearly as awesome as the people who conceived this piece of win, as Battle Orchestra manages to be completely mediocre all around, not even up to the level of TMNT: Smash Up. (Don't think that's a complement Smash Up. You're still pretty crap.)
3- BATTLE CONSTRUCTION VEHICLES
There's a really, really saddening trend in cheap, budget games. Since budget titles tend to get pumped out without much worry about big-time marketing or such, a lot of incredibly awesome concepts get used for crap shovelware. This is showcased most obviously by motherf*ckin' BATTLE CONSTRUCTION VEHICLES.
Battle Construction Vehicles is one of those titles that are made incredibly epic simply from the title alone. No seriously: CONSTRUCTION VEHICLES. BATTLING. If you don't see the appeal, you were never a male child.
BCV is a rather obscure, low-budget Japanese PS2 shovelware that you could probably get for dirt cheap at the european interbutss (I just pirated my copy, like a real man). My advice: if you want to simply appreciate the epic win of the concept, just admire the screenshots and boxart. Otherwise, if you want to have your dreams crushed, simply play the game, or read this more in-depth overview that got me into this game in the first place. Basically, you need only to see the embedded video to realize how terrible this game truly is. However, it appalls me that this combination between fighting and construction machines has never been done before prior to this work of conceptual art, so I'll give it a perfect 10/10 just for that.
2- BLEACH: SHATTERED BLADE
Perhaps you may think of it as odd for me to expect much out of this game. Indeed, cheap animu cash-ins on the wii are pretty much a dime a dozen, and are mostly thoroughly mediocre. (Though there are some exceptional ones.)
However, in order to truly understand my soul-crushing disappointment with this game, let me take you back to the prehistoric era of 2006.
Nintendo had just wrapped up their showcase of the Wii and holy crap did they make a splash. Not only did they showcase the then awesome-sounding motion control along with a plethora of other features for the Wii, they also had an all-star lineup of amazing titles like Zelda: Twilight Princess, Metroid Prime 3, Excite Truck, f*cking SUPER SMASH BROS. BRAWL (back when it looked awesome(SMRIK2)), hell, pretty much anything coming with the system looked like sex on a disc. However, one game trailer then came out which absolutely sealed the deal like no other. The absolute cherry on top of the "Oh My God, This Is Freaking Awesome" sundae. That trailer was this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgQ_FEOVCG4&fmt=18
Okay, maybe it's not all that great looking back at it now, but you really had to see it before the Wii was released. Back then, the Wiimote controller was pretty much Video game Jesus. It could no wrong, and would heal all of our sins or something. And no game showcased it quite like the trailer for the Bleach: Wii game. All you could think was "JESUS H. MOTHERBALLSMAN THEY'RE FIGHTING EACHOTHER WITH SWORDS USING WIIMOTES HOLY **** THIS IS INCREDIBLE AAAHSHSFJGFJNFG."
This crap was goddam revolutionary back then, and Bleach Wii more than satisfied our craving for a Wii-based sword fighter. And this is coming from someone who has pretty much no experience whatsoever with the Bleach Manga outside of video games, so that's saying something.
Sadly, the game came out in America in late 2007, and in between that, we learned the hard way that motion control didn't make everything so great. The wii was stuffed to the gills with 3rd party shovelware, crushing our dreams with harsh reality. And Bleach Wii was no exception when it came out. The game is a more or less a Wiimote-Waggling mess, and comes short all throughout. You could say this is more or less me expressing disappointment for the Wii period, but there still some quality titles being pumped out just now. (Took a while, but at least it's here) This also includes the sequel, Bleach vs Crusade, which is definitely an improvement, but still none too special.
1- YANYA CABALLISTA: CITY SKATER
;_;
no really.
;_;
This is the only emotion that comes from me upon even mentioning this game.
I mentioned this game in another list nobody read, so here it is again, and more or less the centerpiece of this entire blog post. Yanya Caballista is just an incredibly depressing game, and I cannot possibly express that enough.
If "Crappy games that wasted an incredible concept" was an olympic sport, the Olympics would have to make a diamond-plated platinum Medal soaked in the twang (?) juices of Lady GaGa just for this game. That's how bad it is.
First off, let me ease you into the concept of this game: Remember fingerboarding? You'd take a small toy skateboard and ride your fingers on it and some crap like that. That sh*t was all the rage in the 90s, and man do I have some good memories of those days. Now, take the concept of fingerboarding, and turn it into the control scheme for a game. Yes, they could do that back in 2001. Basically, the game came with a special wheeless fingerboard that attached itself to the analog sticks of the PS2 controller, and that's how you control the game. Yeah, that's mind blowing enough, ain't it? Well guess what!? We ain't done here yet!
The game's graphics are absolutely incredible. The game has a cel-shaded style very similar to SEGA's Jet Set Radio, and you skate through a beautifully twisted and warped version of San Fransisco. The characters are absolutely ridiculous and over-the-top.(Which makes them awesome.) Such include a Magician, a guy with Super Saiyan hair, a Grandma who wears her baby grandson on her back (and assists her with tricks), and the Blue Meanie's inbred cousin. Sound awesome enough? WELL TO BAD! The epic doesn't stop there!
This game also has a plot: Basically Aliens are invading San Fransisco, and you have to use your skateboarding powers to do so much awesome sh*t, it makes the aliens Explode out of sheer ******ery. Not to mention you'll eventually get challenged to skating duels by other evil aliens.
Did you get all that? I mean, really? Let me state this for you again:
YOU PRETTY MUCH USE YOUR MAD FINGERBOARDING SKILLS TO EXPLODE THE CRAP OUT OF A BUNCH OF EVIL SKATEBOARDING ALIENS.
J-Jesus Christ! It's like some guy in Japan managed to hack into my brain and just stuff in everything I could have ever wanted in a video game, and stuff it onto a single DVD. This is incredible. This is amazing! There's no way this game could possibly be bad, right? RIGHT!?
Pictured: My face upon disappointment
It just pains me horribly to talk about the game itself, especially since it's presentation is absolutely amazing. Sadly, the game itself doesn't live up to it one iota.
The fingerboarding controls in the end are quite poorly implemented. First off, the game's biggest flaw: There are only a grand total of 4 tricks you can do in the entire game. Yes, 4. You're given the privilege of complete fingerboarding controls, and all you can do are 4 crappy tricks. They are: Flip, Grab, Spin, and Grind. Yes, that's all you're allowed to do. All these interesting characters, all the charisma the game contains, and the innovation of a finderboarding controller, and the fact that you're supposed to fight ALIENS with your skillz....and all you can do are 4 basic beginner moves.
Basically, "scoring" in the game involves somehow getting big air and comboing all these tricks together, rinse and repeat. I normally have a high tolerance level for simplistic games, but there is a freakin' line I have to draw here, and Yanya Caballista just jumps right over it while spamming a bunch of basic moves.
Oh, and the controls themself are pretty crappy. It's nearly impossible to pull off a grind, and the whole system feels way more clunky than it should. Combine that with woefully repetitive gameplay, and you have yourself one very depressing game.
But you know what? As terrible as the game is, I've always thought Yanya Caballista was one of those games that really, really, deserved a second chance. With the newfangled motion controls of the Wii and Move, Yanya's fingerboarding scheme would be a perfect fit now. Such amazing presentation simply cannot go to waste, and end up forgotten as simple PS2 shovelware. This game deserves justice dammit, and I wont rest until it does. And if Koei doesn't do it, hell, I'll just make a buttload of money, move to Japan, and fund it myself. That's how much I want a sequel to this game. This and the oft forgotten Gotcha Force. (Oooh, is that some forshadowing?)
