WWYP X - Undeserving (1,096 words)

[SkylerOcon]

"Famous motivational speaker Don Reed and billionaire Finnegan Stu are both in a hospital due to kidney issues. Both have a very rare condition in their bodies which would cause them to reject nearly all outside organs and blood. Only one kidney that is compatible with Mr. Reed's and Mr. Stu’s bodies is available at this time and another man with similar issues is also in need of one. Hospital Chief of Medicine has this to say…"

“Mr. Malochavic?” Dr. Hall interrupted Jeremy Malochavic’s reading. “I just got word from the surgical wing about your transplant. They only have one kidney that is suitable for your body type, and unfortunately, two other people need that exact same kidney.”

Jeremy Malochavic leaned over in his bed to move his hands through his hair. After a week of sitting around in a hospital bed with a failing kidney, the implant necessary to save his life would now have to be contested for between him and two other people. “What are the chances of me getting the kidney? I’ve read that the other two people in need of the kidney are Don Reed and Finnegan Stu. Do you think it’s likely that I’ll get the kidney?”

“Well, you were the first one admitted and the most in need of the kidney, so you should end up getting it. About the other two men..." A falter. Jeremy was sure now that the two in need of the kidney were Don Reed and Finnegan Stu. "I’m not supposed to say anything about who exactly is in line to get the kidney, though.”

“Thank you for being honest, doctor,” Jeremy said. The doctor nodded and took his leave.

Jeremy had to sit down and think about this. He was just indirectly told that he would be given the transplant, but at the cost of two other humans – both of which did plenty of things to help people while he was a mere repairman! Doing work on people’s houses was helpful, sure, but did it really have any lasting impact on them? Compared to those of the other two men, Jeremy’s contribution to the world was nothing.

Jeremy began to think.

I've never been one to make a big show of myself! I am always content just being in the background. Not doing anything particularly impressive is completely fine for me. What did it amount to? Better looking houses? Did it really change anything? When I was younger, I would always dream of changing the world. Where did that dream go?

I’m sitting here with the fate of myself and two others. I can choose myself, unworthy and unremarkable to live, or I can choose to save a man who has done more for the world than I ever have. Can I actually make that decision?

I know I don’t deserve life in lieu of saving another one of the two men. I have no worth next to them. I wouldn’t give up a lot of my money for other people, and I don’t have the ability to go around giving speeches for a living. Though I wish I could say that I can be those men, I can't.

Of course, if I were to rule myself out, which of the other two men would be the one to choose? Finnegan Stu uses his fortune to help people while the speaker uses his own intelligence and speaking ability to help others. Stu’s fortune could very well have been inherited and would probably be passed on – hopefully to a charity. Don Reed has much more to contribute to the world in terms of himself – Stu has material possession which will hopefully be passed onto some charity when he dies. If I were to choose between these two, I would definitely pick the speaker.

Then Don Reed or me? Can I sacrifice myself for somebody who I’ve never met? I know that Reed isn’t a bad person – the man’s a miracle worker! At the very least, it’s not like I’d be dying to save somebody unworthy. Surely I shall save him and let myself die because I have nothing to contribute, while he has the power to change lives!

But I am still a good person. I donate what I can afford to charities, I volunteer, and I don’t do anything bad. My life has always been a humble one; I’ve been insignificant from the start! For the past twenty-five years, it has been me waking up in the morning to go and paint a fence or patch a leak. Can I say that this makes me the worse man? Can't I say that I am just as good as the speaker?

No, no I can’t. For all of my years as a repairman and forty-five years alive, I haven’t done anything close to what the speaker has done – or at the very least, something significant enough for me to rationalize being more important than the speaker. I have no business letting myself live when I could save him. No business at all!

I have to do this. It’s the right thing to do. As much as I want to live, I just cannot let myself live while Don Reed dies. I’m going to sacrifice myself for the cause. I’m going to be the small man dying to make way for the big man. I’m going to do the right thing.

Jeremy sat up in his bed. He mulled over his decision, and he saw no possible redeeming qualities for him compared to the speaker. Undeserving, definitely. He moved his hand to the nurse’s button.

“Yes, Mr. Malochavic?”

“Could you get Doctor Hall to come to my room, please? I need to see him,” Jeremy said.

“Yes sir, Mr. Malochavic.”

Jeremy turned on the television to wait. He knew that the doctor might take a while. After about thirty minutes, Hall walked in. “Thank you for coming, Doctor Hall. Any news on the kidney?”

“I was just about to come in here and tell you that on my own! It's excellent news! You’re getting the kidney! You don’t have to worry about a thing, Mr. Malochavic. You’re saved!”

Jeremy knew that this was his chance! He knew that the time was now to tell the doctor to give the kidney to Don Reed. The better man would be saved at the cost of the insignificant man – a fair trade. He had to tell him now. He knew that he could not psych himself up to feel the same way again.

“All right. Thank you, doctor.”

 

[El Nino]

First off, this is a kick*ss idea. Secondly, I like the ending, if only because it forgoes all idealism and highlights a realistic aspect of human nature.

Suggestions and criticism:

1) There is always a long, long, long waiting list of people who need transplants, particularly kidney transplants (think in terms of the thousands). People tend to wait months or years, rather than weeks, before maybe, possibly getting that call. Some of them don't live long enough to receive a transplant. In the meantime, they'll probably be going through dialysis a couple times a week at the hospital or at home. So, with that in mind, I'm having trouble figuring out how things got narrowed down to just three patients and one kidney.

2) "a mere physical laborer!" - There has to be a better way of saying this. Most people would refer to their occupation by its name. "A mere repairman." Or something.

3) "Making a big show of myself is something that is foreign to me!" - Is English your main character's native language? I know some people in real life who would phrase a sentence in this fashion, but they are non-native English speakers.

4) "'You needed to speak to me, Mr. Malochavic?'" - Considering that the doctor knows, at this point, that Jeremy is getting the kidney, I find it hard to believe that this is the first thing he says to his patient.

5) In the middle section, you miss a good opportunity to develop Jeremy as a character. We have his thought process but not the reasoning behind it. Nor do we have a good grasp of who he is as a person.

EDIT: 6) Is the last line really necessary?

 

[SkylerOcon]

1) There is always a long, long, long waiting list of people who need transplants, particularly kidney transplants (think in terms of the thousands). People tend to wait months or years, rather than weeks, before maybe, possibly getting that call. Some of them don't live long enough to receive a transplant. In the meantime, they'll probably be going through dialysis a couple times a week at the hospital or at home. So, with that in mind, I'm having trouble figuring out how things got narrowed down to just three patients and one kidney.

I did say that there is only one kidney compatible with Jeremy's body type. It was meant to be assumed that Jeremy has something in him that makes it hard for organs of others to 'click' with him, as do the billionare at speaker.

2) "a mere physical laborer!" - There has to be a better way of saying this. Most people would refer to their occupation by its name. "A mere repairman." Or something.

I will change that.

3) "Making a big show of myself is something that is foreign to me!" - Is English your main character's native language? I know some people in real life who would phrase a sentence in this fashion, but they are non-native English speakers.

This was originally something suggested to me by the person who I had edit it. The original line read:

"Making a big show of myself was never a big thing!"

I think the finalized version of the line sounds better, but I do see your point. I'll try to re-word it.

4) "'You needed to speak to me, Mr. Malochavic?'" - Considering that the doctor knows, at this point, that Jeremy is getting the kidney, I find it hard to believe that this is the first thing he says to his patient.

Go back and read what Hall says after that. I'm adding something in, as to make this part work better.

5) In the middle section, you miss a good opportunity to develop Jeremy as a character. We have his thought process but not the reasoning behind it. Nor do we have a good grasp of who he is as a person.

It's really hard to really flesh out a character in a short story. I didn't write Jeremy to be a real human, I made him to be a representation of the human mind -- We can always SAY we'll do the right thing for everybody, but we usually end up doing the right thing for ourselves.

EDIT: 6) Is the last line really necessary?

I like the last line. DX

 

[Alphicans]

I don't have any real suggestions, I just wanted to comment on the length. Wow is that short. Lol.... Cool idea though.

 

[FastFox]

Italicize the thinking portion, and I'd go much more in-depth when it comes to the struggle between Jeremy and himself, thinking about whether to take the kidney or give it to either of the other two patients. I think he came to much too hasty of a conclusion. What does Jeremy have to lose other than on the surface? Has he been a good person, does he have a family? Explain a bit more about Jeremy. He's the one who gets the kidney, right?

 

[SkylerOcon]

Italicize the thinking portion

I was doing that, but I didn't find mass-italics very easy to read. Though I guess I'll re-add them. Doesn't make a big difference with the story.

and I'd go much more in-depth when it comes to the struggle between Jeremy and himself, thinking about whether to take the kidney or give it to either of the other two patients. I think he came to much too hasty of a conclusion. What does Jeremy have to lose other than on the surface? Has he been a good person, does he have a family? Explain a bit more about Jeremy. He's the one who gets the kidney, right?

As I said before, Jeremy wasn't meant to be a completely fleshed out character. But, since everybody is making that a critique, I'll write a part where Jeremy is evaluating himself in.

 

[Omis]

Take out the last line. It just makes the reader feel stupid for having had to be told that.

 

[Alphicans]

Honestly I don't like how it was set-up. The idea is cool, because you are using a transplant as the weapon, the kidney as the bullet, and of course the three people. The execution and set-up is awkward, especially when the doctor is telling Jeremy about the other candidates for the transplant. The dialogue from the doctor seems unprofessional, and he out right tells him he's the poorest of the three, I honestly don't think a doctor would go out and tell him that, let a lone all that personal stuff about the other patients. The dialogue doesn't even sound like dialogue, it just looks like you describing what the other patients are, and then putting quotations around it. These are just my observations, but I'd suggest trying to make the dialogue more human, and less robotic.

 

[SkylerOcon]

Alright. I added a part where Jeremy looks reflects on his own life and took out the last line. Despite how much I liked it, more than one person said it should be removed so I took it out.

There's bound to be some sort of grammatical mistake in the new section, though. If anybody sees any point them out!

 

[emergency]

Skyler. Keep this up. The story is very interesting. It's a very good read, for me at least.

 

[Spire]

I found this to be a surefire example of self-reflection, as it challenges the reader to reflect on their life and ask, "what have I done to make myself worthy?" But the question does not always lie in the actions that you've taken in life, but perhaps the actions that you may take. Jeremy realized that he had not tasked himself with such incredible feats as the other two men he compared himself with.

By reasoning with the situation, I find that Jeremy recognizes that if given the kidney, and hence, the rest of his life, he would walk the footsteps that the other two had, but would aim to surpass their accomplishments. Throughout the story, he struggles with himself over how helpful he has been. I see the other two men as mirrors for Jeremy. Through the course of fate, their paths have led them to an end so that nature could sacrifice them to upheave Jeremy to a much higher level, as a means of progressing the world. Jeremy, however, felt that he should sacrifice himself for the better good of these two men, but little does he know, that they are being sacrificed for Jeremy. If one were to be given up for two, then those two would get a half. If two were to be sacrificed for one, then that one would get a whole two.

Jeremy's life holds an extreme significance to the future, and this story greatly exemplifies this.

 

[SMBEffect]

At quick glance, it looks as though the story has a conflict with first and third person. You have a large section of text that is specifically from one persons point of view and the rest out in the open. Rather isolate his thoughts with italics or write it all in first person. Right now, the lead in "Jeremy began to think." looks pasted in to try and make sense of it.

This information on his life doesn't all have to be thrown at the reader, either. We go from knowing little about Jeremy, which is okay, to a laundry list of ideas. Try showing instead of just telling.

Great concept, definitely kept me interested. Good luck!

 

[El Nino]

I did say that there is only one kidney compatible with Jeremy's body type. It was meant to be assumed that Jeremy has something in him that makes it hard for organs of others to 'click' with him, as do the billionare at speaker.

It's that way for everyone. All donor organs have to be "typed" before being offered to any particular recipient. "Typing" just makes sure that the organ is as similiar as possible to the recipient's body to minimize the chance of rejection because the body will reject tissue that it does not recognize as its own. But even so, recipients are still placed on immuno-suppressant drugs after surgery.

The UNOS(http://www.unos.org ) lists roughly 100,000 patients on its waiting list for transplants (UNOS operates in the U.S. only, I believe). An organ is matched to a recipient by blood type, size, and degree of immune system similarity between donor and recipient. After that, the criteria for transplant goes something like:

- time spent on the waiting list
- distance between donor and recipient
- the medical urgency of the recipient

Also, "body type" usually refers to outward physical appearance (height, weight, build, etc.). The doctor is unlikely to use those words when talking about a matching organ. And, should it be "surgical wing" or "transplant center"?

The scenario needs to be re-worked to make it plausible. As someone else mentioned, the doctor would not offer up personal details about the other potential recipients. There are ways around this, however. If the other two men are famous, it could just boil down to a random sighting in the hospital. Did they pass each other in the hallway? One thing about being a celebrity is that everyone knows your business. This could explain how your character would know their backgrounds without the doctor revealing information that would be against protocol to reveal.

But as for how the three of them ended up at the hospital at once, that's tricky. It'd have to be some mix-up--someone would have had to have made a mistake--because normal procedure would have the decision already made before a patient is called, and only the chosen patient would be called.

There are other scenarios in my head, but since this is your story, how you go about it is up to you. I'm just pointing out things that seem implausible. In real life strange things do happen, and, to your benefit, it is feasible that a patient may turn down an organ for personal reasons.

"Making a big show of myself was never a big thing!"

Shouldn't it be: "...was never my thing!" considering that in the next line it is mentioned how he always prefers to stay in the background? I like the original better than the revised version, if only because it sounds more natural.

It's really hard to really flesh out a character in a short story. I didn't write Jeremy to be a real human, I made him to be a representation of the human mind -- We can always SAY we'll do the right thing for everybody, but we usually end up doing the right thing for ourselves.

I agree. And I think you can make a representation of the human mind that rings true without having a fully formed character. But I think it'd help here to single out just one or two traits about him and use those traits as they influence his thinking. For instance, if he feels that his life is insignificant, does he see this opportunity as a chance, finally, to step up to the plate and offer something to the world? He's going to selflessly sacrifice his life for someone else's. Does this make him feel big, in a way?

This story is mostly just a moral dilemma, but you wouldn't want it to come off sounding like a thought exercise, I don't think. It'd help you to build up his decision. Convince us that he's REALLY going to go through with it. Rather than just self-defeating guilt, what if he feels accomplished after his decision? And then let it all fizzle out once reality hits.

I like the last line. DX

Well, "murder your darlings," right? I thought it was too obvious. But as you have it now, it seems a little ambiguous. You could separate the last bit of dialogue into its own paragraph. Or alter your original last line to make it less likely to bludgeon the reader over the head ("In the end, he just couldn't do it--not for a stranger," or something).

Jeremy's life holds an extreme significance to the future, and this story greatly exemplifies this.

Totally different interpretation than mine, Spire III, but maybe that's a good thing. We can't all be cynics.

 

[SkylerOcon]

I should have a revision done tonight with more stuff added and some stuff changed. This will probably be the final revision.

EDIT: Updated.

 

[El Nino]

“Well, you were the first one admitted and the most in need of the kidney, so you should end up getting the kidney. I’m not supposed to say anything about it,

And that's where you should end that sentence. I can buy that the information about the other two patients was leaked to the media by mistake. This happens in real life. But it's still against patient-doctor confidentiality for the doctor to verify the media's claims without the consent of both patients involved. Assuming they did both give consent for their private information to be discussed openly, I'm not sure the doctor would say anything to the guy who's going to get a transplant they're both also in line for.

You can have the doctor imply it rather than say it explicitly: "You're right, there are others on the waiting list. But I can't tell you who there are."

It would be okay to have your character just make an assumption about who those other patients are based on the doctor's reaction and/or on what he read. Ultimately, for this story, it doesn't matter whether those two guys really are in need of the same organ or not. All that matters is that your protagonist thinks they are, and this forces him to confront a moral issue.

“All right. Thank you, doctor.”

I still think you should make that its own paragraph.

This version is an improvement over the last, I think. I'm too short on time right now to go over grammar. Maybe I'll take a closer look later.

 

[SkylerOcon]

Alright. Changed everything.

 

[El Nino]

Last minute grammar check. Corrections in red.

"Famous motivational speaker Don Reed and billionaire Finnegan Stu are both in a hospital due to kidney issues. Both have a very rare condition in their bodies which would cause them to reject nearly all outside organs and blood. Only one kidney that is compatible with Mr. Reed's and Mr. Stu’s bodies is available at this time, and another man with similar issues is also in need of one. Hospital Chief of Medicine has this to say…"

Compared to those of the other two men, Jeremy’s contribution to the world was nothing.

I have no worth next to them.

But I am still a good person.

Can I say that this makes me the worse man? Can't I say that I am just as good as the speaker?

He mulled over his decision, and he saw no possible redeeming qualities for him compared to the speaker.

He knew that the time was now to tell the doctor to give the kidney to Don Reed.

EDIT:

“...It's excellent news! You’re getting the kidney! You don’t have to worry about a thing, Mr. Malochavic. You’re saved!”

 

[SkylerOcon]

Thanks. I can't believe I accidentally left a Mr. Johnson in there, though. I was using that as a placeholder last name before I came up with Malochavic.