W: The Beginning (Wario Ware story)

[Ninja-Z]

Hello. This is my first story posted on the Smash Boards, and while I haven't gotten the chance to post much elsewhere, I'd figure I'd throw up one of my pieces of writing to get into the writing community here. It is called "W: The Beginning," and is a Wario Ware fic dealing with how Wario (and Waluigi, who I have thrown in despite his lack of appearance in the WW franchise) arrived in Diamond City and the misadventures that follow. Without further ado, here is the first part of Chapter 1. Enjoy!

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W
The Beginning​

“The real leader has no need to lead—he is content to point the way.”
(Henry Miller)

“What you are must always displease you, if you would attain to that which you are not.”
(Saint Augustine)

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man’s world
(ABBA)


~~~​

CHAPTER 1

Diamond City was bustling with the usual activity. People drove to work in the congested streets, pickpockets made use of the crowded sidewalks to swindle goods, and transvestites coaxed naïve businessmen into the “time of their life.” In short, it was like any other city in the world.

The only problem, though, was that there were no other cities to compare it to.

The Mushroom Planet had existed for centuries, but it was only recently that the population, resources, and miracles required to create a city had become available. On top of that, the first kingdom to urbanize was the infamous Rancho. Rancho was best described as an oversized stretch of green with a house every few miles or so. Its king was a farmer with a big pitchfork while the queen was the king’s cousin. It was the last kingdom expected to contain the world’s first city, yet that was precisely what happened.

It began simply enough. King Rancho was tending to his field one day when his pitchfork broke. It then dawned upon him that there was no way to replace broken equipment as the nearest store was approximately one-hundred and fifty miles away on Rancho’s border, and the lack of roads made long distance travel a suicidal march. The king knew that solving this predicament had to be his number one priority, so together with the queen he went to work on outlining a plan for giving the kingdom’s denizens access to much needed supplies.

His efforts culminated in Moo Moo City, a metropolis that would have dozens of stores catering to a farmer’s needs: pitchforks, animals, seeds, and banjos. Dirt roads would stretch out in all directions from the city, extending to the kingdom’s borders and passing by the house of every citizen. It would also be a nice getaway from the smelly, isolated farms that most Ranchonians resided in while attracting foreigners looking for a nice vacationing spot. After all, who wanted to keep going to tropical beaches and ski resorts?

Unfortunately, the lack of post offices prevented King Rancho from informing fellow Ranchonians of the plans, and he and the queen passed away before Moo Moo City could see the light of day. Nobody knew of the city plans, and it was only a miracle that allowed for a city to be created anyway. It was named Diamond City, and at the present time it accounted for approximately 78% of Rancho’s population, as well as 99% of The Mushroom Planet’s human populace.

Dr. Crygor was one of the humans in Diamond City, although he didn’t like grouping himself with the “intelligently deficit.” He considered himself a species of his own, enhanced to the point where he could only be described as “most human.” In his mind, he was a role model that the inferior could try and aspire to. To everybody else, he was a pudgy man in a yellow jumpsuit that waddled around the streets trying to sell his inventions to annoyed passers-by.

His current target was a businessman who was late for work as it was and did not appreciate Crygor’s attempt to sell him a bottle of a sickly green liquid that bubbled profusely.

“You see,” Crygor was saying, “let’s imagine for a second that you are at your workplace and suddenly riots break out on the streets, forcing you to stay inside for several days. Obviously, a lack of water would prove to be quite a hassle, wouldn’t you say?”

The businessman clicked his tongue irritably, but said nothing. His previous attempts at walking away from the conversation had ended with him pinned against the wall by an Extend-O-Arm, so he pretended to listen and hoped the spiel would end soon.

“I understand these concerns, so through a series of dangerous experiments I have created a new element that, once it enters the body, serves the same purpose of water. This liquid, however, is even better than water in that it can keep you hydrated for a month. You can even use it as a replacement for water if you don’t have time to drink the required seven glasses a day, which I’m sure speaks for itself in terms of its benefit.”

“That sounds like a lovely product,” the businessman said hastily. “If you have a store, I will more than gladly come later in the day to purchase this---liquid water riot thing. Anyway---”

Dr. Crygor grabbed him by the sleeve, a difficult task considering Crygor was only three feet tall. “But you must wait one second!” he said. ‘Why not take a sample? I ensure that you will enjoy it.”

He pushed the cup of the green liquid into the businessman’s face, the strong stench almost knocking him out. The businessman waited until his eyes rolled back into place before taking the cup, deciding that if he drank it, he could run off to work and get on with his life. With some hesitance, he gulped it down in one go.

Almost immediately, he clenched his throat and squeezed as the burning sensation began to spread. His back bent backwards into an awkward position as he broke into a violent spasm. Crygor stared at this display with a smile, as if this was the intended result. After a minute or so of jerking back and forth while passive commuters stepped over him, the businessman stopped moving. He was alive, but at that moment he wished he had died years ago just so he could have avoided feeling such a horrid liquid grace his insides with a dose of hell.

“How did it taste?” Crygor asked with a grin.

The businessman tried to reply, but his jaw felt like silly putty and all he could manage was a pathetic gurgle.

“Wonderful. I’m opening a store in a month, so be sure to stop by if you want some more.”

Crygor walked off at that point, leaving the hapless businessman gurgling on the ground in hopes somebody would help him up. Nobody bothered, leaving him to struggle to his feet for the next two hours. If there is any doubt that he would be able to live to see the next day, rest assured that the nameless businessman managed to get to his job. Unfortunately, his extreme tardiness had gotten him fired, and by the next month his girlfriend had left him, he was in the unemployment line, and the green liquid had caused a mutation that left him with one arm, three legs, and no nose. On the plus side, he wasn’t thirsty for a long, long time.

However, the businessman’s future is of little concern in the long run. In drinking the green liquid, he had established the foundation for a series of events that would affect Dr. Crygor and---in due time---all of Diamond City.

 

[Ninja-Z]

Being the first of its kind, Diamond City was not without flaws. For example, an entire neighborhood had to be abandoned when it was found that an architectural mistake had made the second floor of each building the seventh, resulting in many deaths. The information center on the outskirts of the city was also a bit wonky, believing that if foreigners knew what they were going to see, the visit wouldn’t be as exciting. Therefore, they provided no brochures or maps and instead told visitors information about other places. Perhaps the most infamous “oopsy” at the time was the downtown area. In modern metropolises such as The Mushroom City, downtown is filled with casinos, dance clubs, and other places where a party is bound to start. In the case of Diamond City, there weren’t any parties; just a cluster of family-owned stores that could never decide on what to sell and a strip club run by religious zealots. It wasn’t a fun place to be, and was generally shunned by the teenage crowd in favor of the industrial area, where most of the parties were held.

Diamond Downtown was also the home of the Diamond Taxi, a cabby business that controlled all the taxis in Rancho. It was just like any other business in the world: immoral and questionably rich. Fortunately, there were many other businesses being conducted on the Mushroom Planet, so the comparison was fair.

Two members of the Diamond Taxi were currently downtown, sitting by an electronics store that specialized in farm tools, eating their lunch. One, a burly bulldog with a green cap, chewed on a meaty bone while his feline, goggle-wearing comrade seemed content with canned fish. Several feet away, their cab sat by the sidewalk, sparkling in the sunlight.

“Hey Spitz,” the bulldog said in between chews, “You heard the news?”

Spitz, the yellow-furred cat, hissed as he shook his head. “Dribble, you know I don’t read the newspapers. No time for that.”

“Yeah, I know that, but you know how the streets are talkin’,” Dribble said.

“The streets can talk?” Spitz said with genuine surprise.

“No, no! When I say the streets are talkin’, you know I mean that it’s the people that do the talkin’. The people on the streets are talkin’.”

“Well, I’d be surprised if people weren’t talkin’, so what’s the point you’re tryin’ to get at?”

Dribble smacked Spitz upside the head. He was a great cabby, that there was no doubt off, but Spitz was rather slow when it came to figurative language, sarcasm, and common sense in general.

“What I’m sayin’,” Dribble snapped, “is that lots o’ people are talkin’ ‘bout this news, you know, which is why I was askin’ if you knew ‘bout this news!”

“I don’t know ‘bout this news, so what is this news?” Spitz said as he rubbed the cheek that Dribble smacked.

“Well, they sayin’ that scientists have discovered a rip in the sky that is probably some dimensional portal or somethin’ like that. It’s highly unstable, though, and the slightest…erm…anomolomoly can cause it to go bonkers.”

“What’s an anomolomoly?” Spitz asked.

Dribble shrugged. “I think it means ‘to do somethin’ stupid…’ but yeah, that’s what the streets are talkin’ ‘bout.”

Spitz thought this over as he finished his fish and threw the can to the side. A cluster of rats crawled out of the shadows and quickly snatched the can up before slinking back into the alleyways to feast upon the steel container.

“So that’s it, huh?” Spitz said. He sounded extremely disappointed. “That’s no news worthy of the streets, Dribble! That’s the sort of stuff you’d be readin’ in the newspaper, which is why I don’t read that thing in the first place!”

“You said you don’t read it ‘cause you don’t got time!”

“And that’s true, but even if I had the time I wouldn’t read it!”

“But then you can’t consider that a reason for not readin’ it since it wouldn’t matter if you had the time or not!” Dribble insisted.

“What’s it matter? I don’t want to read it!”

“You’ve got to have the proper reasonin’ if you want to be takin’ seriously!”

“Well, I---hey, it’s the doc!”

Dribble and Spitz turned to see Dr. Crygor across the street trying to persuade an old lady to purchase a Do-it-Yourself Plastic Surgery Kit. His attempts had ended with the woman striking him repeatedly over the head with her walker before wobbling away in a huff.

“Hey, Doc! Over here!” Dribble shouted, waving his thick arms in the air. Crygor heard him, but he was too busy worrying if his brain had been damaged by the hit. After he ran a few scientific equations through his head and solved them, he got to his feet and hobbled towards the anthropomorphic cat and dog.

“Greetings, Dribble and Spitz,” Crygor said shakily. “It’s a wonderful day in Diamond City, is it not?”

“Looked like you were havin’ a lot of fun, Doc,” Dribble said with a nudge. He was twice the size of both Crygor and Spitz, so he had to get down on his knees to successfully tap Crygor in the side. “Did that lady buy the thing you were sellin’?”

“No, but it looked like she enjoyed it,” Crygor said.

“Then why’d she hit you?” Spitz asked.

“I don’t know. It’s possible that she was just trying to give me a congratulatory pat on the shoulder.”

“With her walker?”

Crygor shrugged before changing the subject. “At any rate, it’s nice to see that my little gift to you is faring so well.”

Dribble crossed his arms and guffawed, looking at their taxi. “Our baby is the best it’s ever been. There ain’t been no scratches on it under my watch.”

“Yeah, ‘cause I polish it every day---”

“Shut up Spitz. Anyway, that thing is the best taxi ever made. Quick, durable, maneuverable on all terrain, and it doubles as a bed too. You wouldn’t believe how comfy it is to sleep there at night.”

“Ah, how wonderful it is to have something so comfy,” Crygor said with a sigh. “I won’t be having a true place to sleep until my store’s grand opening next month. It has a nice little apartment on top, from what I’ve been told.”

“Well, you’re an engineering genius and I have no doubt that you’ll be revolutionizing Diamond City’s shopping scene,” Dribble said.

“I hope so…”

A guttural roar interrupted the conversation, echoing throughout the city’s many nooks and crannies. The sun had been obscured by a veil of dark, ominous clouds filled to the brim with raindrops waiting to be unleashed. Every few seconds, a flash of green lightning illuminated the black sky. A storm was brewing, and the citizens of Diamond City got the hint. Most took shelter in their homes while several dimwitted individuals hid underneath trees. Dribble, Spitz, and Dr. Crygor could only watch as the first few raindrops began to fall.

Dribble swore under his breath. “And just when we were ‘bout to start our last shift of the day.”

“Well, at least you have the comfort of your taxi,” Crygor said. “I, on the other hand, am forced to stay on the streets even in the rain.”

“Come on, there’s a bunch o’ motels in the area. Why not stay in one of ‘em?” Spitz asked.

“I’m afraid I haven’t made any money off of selling my inventions.”

“Don’t be ridiculous!” bellowed Dribble. “You’re responsible for some of the greatest inventions of our time. I’m sure people love your stuff.”

“It’s not that they don’t like them,” Crygor said glumly, “None of them seem interested in going beyond the free sample.”

“And why is that?”

“Probably because they’re too busy writhing on the ground with such joy that they forget to purchase it.” Crygor sighed and turned to walk away. “I probably should stop giving free samples.”

Dribble grabbed Crygor by the head just as he was about to walk off and lifted him into the air. The short scientist struggled to break free, but then remembered that he was suspended six feet in the air and stopped.

“Look, Doc,” Dribble said with a smile that exposed his canines, “you can come with us. You can sit in the front seat with me while I’m drivin’.”

“Hey, that’s my seat---!”

“Shut up, Spitz. We’ll finish our shift and then take you to some motel and pay the fee. Sound good?”

“That is awfully kind of you,” Crygor said. “I give you my gratitude.”

Dribble chuckled. “Don’t mention it, Doc.”

The occasional raindrop turned into a torrent of unrelenting water, prompting Dribble to quickly run to the cab and hop in with Crygor following suit. Spitz hissed, his wet fur resembling a pee-covered mop, before running to the back of the taxi and hopping in the trunk.

Dribble started the ignition and revved the engine three times, just like he always did. He turned to Crygor, whose seatbelt covered half of his body, and grinned. “Hold on tight, ‘cause the best cab in the world is about to go!”

Before any objections could be made, Dribble slammed his foot down and the car shot forward, given extra speed by two rocket boosters attached to the back. The rain barely touched the taxi as it skillfully maneuvered the city’s streets through a series of U-turns, ramping, and the occasional shortcut through a shopping mall. Some might question the practicality of driving a taxi at over two hundred miles per hour in the rain when the purpose of a cabby is to stop for people, but Dribble and Spitz had eaten their fair share of carrots over the years.

It is unfortunate that they didn’t see the giant, rainbow-colored portal stretching open in the sky. They might have been better prepared for what was to happen next.

 

[Ninja-Z]

CHAPTER 2

Only one person had seen the portal and known its purpose. He sat in an old, Gothic mansion on the outskirts of Diamond City, overlooking the metropolis on a forested hill that was in perpetual twilight. The multi-colored dimensional rift hovered above the city, jerking back and forth violently as rain poured out of it.

In the mansion’s attic, amidst piles of cracked cauldrons, deformed skulls, and worn copies of “Sucking Blood for Dummies,” a cloaked figure looked through an opening in the ceiling using a telescope made from rolled-up newspapers. His appearance was hard to describe, since every detail fought for attention. On one hand, he was an old man covered in wrinkles, warts, and graying hair, but at the same time he had purple skin, pupil-less eyes, red claws, and blood-stained fangs. He was also surprisingly muscular for his age, built in the arms and abs. He was best compared to a demonic, bodybuilding grandpa, though slightly more intimidating.

For another minute he observed the portal, occasionally consulting a barely legible scroll in his hand, before an ear-piercing shriek interrupted his train of thought. He sighed, crumpled up the telescope, and threw it to the side before descending a spiral staircase. He passed by a mirror on his way down. There was no reflection.

He arrived in the main hallway, a cavernous space in which several staircases branched off into different parts of the mansion. For those who had no intention of scaling loop-de-loops of stairs, torn couches, a concession stand covered in delicacies from the human body, and a broken guillotine made the room nice for a leisurely afternoon. Dozens of paintings adorned the cracked walls, depicting various quaint scenes. In one, a woman was bound and gagged in a burning cauldron, her flesh slowly melting away to expose the skeleton underneath. It was easy on the eyes and contributed to the room’s aura of inner-peace and relaxation.

There was little reason to relax at the moment, however, as sitting by the guillotine was a baby girl, her demon-decorated diaper wet, crying as loud as her lungs could sustain. From across the room the vampire could smell the horrible stench, worse than any corpse he had ever happened upon. Pinching his nose shut, he walked slowly towards the baby like a tiger stalking its prey, only the end result wasn’t a satisfying hunk of meat to chew on.

“Red!” he called out. “Red, come here this instant!”

A crimson streak shot down from the ceiling several stories above and crashed into the ground in a brilliant display of flames. Once the fire died down, the demon from within rose to its feet, raising its claws in an intimidating pose before emitting a high-pitched squeak.

The vampire shook his head in dismay and looked down at Red, the cutest agent of hell ever seen. Being one-foot tall, googly-eyed, and suspiciously similar to a doll wasn’t the best way to strike fear into the hearts of mortals, but Red was efficient as a caretaker for the mansion and the occasional chew toy for the baby, and it was for that reason that his master had kept him for so long.

“Red, did you forget to change Ashley’s diaper?”

Red shook his head weakly and shrugged.

“Don’t you lie to me. I specifically asked you to watch over her while I was attending to business, and where are you when I find her wailing away? Swooping down from the ceiling and striking poses.”

Red squeaked frantically in a desperate attempt to excuse his actions. His vampire master would have none of it as he shoved the demon to the side with his foot and walked towards Ashley. He carefully picked her up and conjured a clean diaper in his hand, going through the arduous process of changing diapers while enduring the ungodly stench. When he was done, he hurled the dirty diaper to the side where it landed squarely on Red’s head.

With an exasperated sigh, the vampire set Ashley back on the ground and fell onto the nearest couch. Red heaved the diaper off of his head and hobbled over to his master. He let out a frustrated squeak.

“Now, now, no reason to talk to me like that,” the vampire moaned. “Hell knows that my work has given me a killer migraine as it is. Changing diapers only complicates it.”

Red contemplated this, then hastily apologized for his disobedience.

“Oh, forget it. Just listen to my orders for once, will you?”

Red nodded enthusiastically.

‘Listen,” the vampire said as he got up, “my life has been a dump since Lilith left me for Alucard. I’m stuck with the baby, can’t pay the rent, and people just aren’t as frightened of me as they were two centuries ago. I don’t want to live the rest of my immortal years as a nobody, a man who’s had his golden years centuries ago!”

Red gave a sympathetic squeak.

“But I’m not done yet.” The vampire’s face twisted into a horrendous, fang-bearing grin. “At long last, the portal has once again opened. No doubt that the prophesized Chosen Ones will be arriving momentarily. The filthy denizens of Diamond City will fall to their feet and beg their new “heroes” for a better life…but then I will intervene and kill the Chosen Ones. And once again I will be feared!”

Red jumped up and down with glee as his master let out a chilling cackle. Ashley, playing with a plastic skull, tried to mimic her father with a ghastly gurgle.

“If you wish to make up for your disobedience, then head out to Diamond City and await the arrival of the Chosen Ones. Take note of their appearance, their strengths, their weaknesses, and report back to me. I want to know everything about them so I can plan their demise immediately…”

Red gave a confident salute and unfurled his tiny wings. He shot towards the nearest window, realized it was closed a moment too late, peeled himself off of the glass with some difficulty, and found the nearest open window before flying into the stormy sky.

Red’s master watched him depart with a coy smile before turning to Ashley. She had her head under the guillotine, shaking it vehemently in an effort to bring the blade down upon her. Luckily, the blade was stuck and the only way to bring it down was to jump on top of it several times with iron boots and expert balance.

“Ashley, darling,” he said, “it pains me to say it, but you are just like your mother. I will raise you unlike she did, though, and you will become a spitting image of me. Once you are grown, you will be the most feared vampire in all of the land!”

Ashley farted in response. He swatted away at the stench and fell back onto the couch, closing his eyes. It was the one time in his existence that he wished vampires didn’t have it so tough.

 

[Ninja-Z]

Sun shining through my window
It gleams like honey so golden and so sweet
You can almost taste it…

“Dribble, do we have to listen to this song over and over again?” Dr. Crygor asked. “This is the fifth or sixth time we’ve heard it!”

“I thought that was how you made it,” Dribble said. “It’s the only thing this baby’s ever played since we got it.”

Crygor scoffed. “That’s impossible! I designed the radio system using rare metals in the machinery that are sensitive to the driver’s emotions. Therefore, it should complement your current mood with an appropriate song.”

“Then I guess this song just fits my mind perfectly!”

“But the mortal mind is a complicated mass, and due to the various stimuli for different situations, it would be impossible for the same song to play all the time.”

Dribble thought this over and then burst out laughing. “Sure, I might get sad, angry, and all that jazz every now and then, but whenever I’m in my baby, hands on the wheel, feelin’ the tar roads rollin’ beneath the wheels, I’ve never been happier.”

The taxi sped through the streets, scoping out the sidewalk for any commuters in desperate need of a ride. Unfortunately, the rain kept potential customers to a minimum. Dribble had only picked up one customer thus far, a raving lunatic who thought that north was west, east was south, and that every compass he bought was a piece of junk. He was kicked out shortly after being picked up.

Driving through Diamond City
I wanna escape the crowds and concrete for
Where the hill and sky meet

The rain seemed to be getting worse with each passing second. Already several of the city’s first buildings, made from wood, had been struck by lightning and burned to the ground. None of the newer structures, made from matches, had been struck yet, but it was only a matter of time.

“Are you sure we shouldn’t stop now?” Crygor said. “I don’t think anybody wants a ride at this point.”

“No matter rain or snow or war or world-ending Apocalypse, the taxi must be driven until the shift is over,” Dribble said with his chest puffed out and chin held high. “Learned that at the Cabby Academy.”

“But isn’t it kind of pointless when we can hardly see a thing!?”

“Nonsense! In fact, there’s one guy over there!”

“Really? Where?”

“Oh, darnit. Nevermind, that.”

“What? What happened, did we pass them?”

“No, it’s just that they were struck by lightnin’ and burnt to a crisp.”

Crygor had just about lost it at this point. “I know you’re a friend and all, and I respect your choice of profession, but I’m afraid that if I do not make it to a warm and hospitable motel soon, then I will get stressed and you know what stress does to my ability to invent!”

“But Doc, we can’t stop yet!” Dribble insisted. “You can wait twenty minutes, can’t you? The shift’s almost over.”

“Look, just drop me off and I’ll go inside myself. I know you promised to pay for my room, but I can do it myself. Really, it’s no hassle.”

Dribble became disheartened, and the radio’s melody grew distorted before fading to a mere whisper. The taxi came to a sudden stop, throwing Crygor against the door. Spitz could be heard thrashing about in the trunk, hissing in pain.

“I see…” Dribble murmured. “Well, Doc, if that’s what you want, there’s a nice motel up ahead. Quite cheap, but it has its benefits. Hope you don’t mind walking there…”

Crygor rubbed his head and looked at Dribble, feeling pity for the miserable, inferior dog. However, there was no time to sit around and console him, as Crygor had blueprints to draw up, inventions to make, and finished products to sell.

“Alright, Dribble. Hope the rest of your shift goes well, and hopefully, we shall cross paths tomorrow.”

“Right…see ya…Doc.”

Crygor unbuckled and jumped out of the cab, giving one last glance towards the sniveling Dribble before walking towards the rundown motel with a neon sign that read “Sally’s Funhouse” in an eye melting pink. The windows were cracked, the front door was ripped off its hinges, and the sound of moans, whoops of joy, and drunken laughter came from inside in sudden bursts before fading to awkward silence. Whatever benefits Dribble believed it to have Crygor could not see. He did agree that it looked pretty cheap.

Dribble watched Crygor step inside the motel with tear-streaked eyes, blubbering uncontrollably while the radio became a cacophony of ear-splitting wails and shrieks, the original song distorted to the point of being unrecognizable. Spitz had gotten out of the trunk, storming towards the front seat and hopping in with a scowl on his bruised face. He spoke with a mouth full of dust, pieces of bent metal, and other objects strewn about in a car’s trunk.

“Fwut’r ‘e ‘atin’ fer?” Spitz managed to say.

“W-W-What?” Dribble whimpered.

Spitz spat out his mouth’s content and tried again. “What are we waitin’ for? Doc’s gone now and we’ve still got a shift to finish. Let’s get goin’!”

“Yes, yes…I know,” Dribble said as he started the car. “It’s just that…have you ever noticed that nobody wants to ride with us for long? Some customers ask to get off early before we’re even close to the destination, and others take one look at my baby and…well, they’re runnin’ away with fear in their eyes. Even the Doc, our best bud, demands to get off before the shift is done…and it’s not even that long a wait!”

“Dribble, ya worry too much about these things, ya know?” Spitz said with a chuckle. “Business just ain’t good in the city, that’s all. I mean, who wants to take a ride around this dump, pshh…”

Dribble gave one look at Spitz, his eyes widened in a pathetic display of sorrow, before the car began to trudge forward at a snail’s pace. Spitz rolled his eyes and sighed. “Come on! You’re getting’ all uppity over the Doc wantin’ to get off early? You know how eager the guy gets when he wants to invent. It’s nothin’ personal!”

“I know, I know!” Dribble sputtered. “But just once I’d like a friend, a customer, a family member…somebody who could stick through the entire ride with me.”

“Well, I---”

“Besides you, I mean…somebody like Coco…”

“Oh jeez,” Spitz said, “Dribz, you can’t tell me you’re still thinkin’ of the girl! It’s been five years since the break-up, for cryin’ out loud!”

“But we were perfect for each other!” Dribble wailed. “Everything was looking good, but then…”

“Stop it, Dribble! You can’t let your emotions get a hold of you!”

Dribble turned and gave Spitz the coldest glare the cat had ever received. Few eyes had ever held such a chilling glint, not even the ill-tempered boss of the Diamond Taxi. The radio started to blare a wall of incoherent sounds that would put any metalhead to shame, keeping up with Dribble’s rapid decent into anger and frustration.

“It’s not like you would understand,” Dribble said, “being single and all. But I’ve seen love, I was tortured by love, I was left for dead by love. You were ignored by love, left alone by love, saved BY LOVE! You don’t have the authority to tell me to not let my emotions grab a hold of me!”

Spitz unbuckled and stood on top of his seat, face-to-neck with Dribble. “Well, you will not be defeated by love, because you do not deserve to be chained up by love, because you’re better than lo---I mean, by love---”

“JUST SHUT UP!” Dribble screamed. Spitz shriveled back into his seat, staring up into his partner’s cold eyes with a newfound fear. Perhaps it was the natural tension between cats and dogs. Maybe it was the fact that Dribble was staring him down while driving in the rain. Either way, Dribble was out for blood, and Spitz was conveniently located next to him.

“Look, just calm down,” Spitz sputtered. “Keep your hands on the wheel, turn back towards the road, and finish the shift. There’s no need to be worryin’ ‘bout the past at a time like this!”

Spitz instinctively curled up into a ball as soon as he was done talking, anticipating a blow to the head or a throw through the windshield. Instead, all he heard was Dribble whining as the taxi came to a slow, steady halt.

“I’m sorry,” Dribble murmured. “I know I should forget about her after five years, but sometimes the memories come back. That smooth, silky brown hair, firm tail, body like a huntin’ dog...surely you must understand that feeling, Spitz.”

Spitz shrugged as he got back into a sitting position. “Dribble, you have to understand that she’s gone. If she had the guts to leave ya, then she ain’t a good lover. You’ve got to move on, graze better fields.”

“Yeah, yer probably right,” Dribble said with a weak smile. “Look, sorry ‘bout my attitude, I’m just not here in the head. How ‘bout you drive while I calm down. That okay?”

“Sure. Just get the baby seat from the trunk, a’ight?”

“A’ight.”

Before the two could get too soppy, they leapt out of the taxi and walked around in the driving rain to the opposite side of the car. Dribble stopped by the trunk to pull out a worn baby seat that had held many a wet, diaper-wearing rear and handed it to Spitz, who was almost crushed by its weight. With some effort, Spitz threw the chair onto the driver’s seat and got inside, struggling to look over the wheel as he started the engines. Dribble sat beside him, wiping away the last of his tears.

“Hey, Spitz?”

“Yeah, Dribble?”

“After the shift’s done, how ‘bout goin’ to Tomorrow Hill. That place always cheers me up.”

“Sure thing, Dribble. Just sit back and relax until then, a’ight?”

“A’ight.”

The taxi once again began rolling along the street, cutting through the raindrops like a yellow, black-and-white checkered knife. Spitz turned the radio back on, which now played a song about being a lawyer, playing basketball, and some girl named Fontaine, as the animal duo finished off their shift and went to Tomorrow Hill, a mystical place where dreams came true and people couldn’t help but smile. It was also the subject of urban legend, the place where the two Chosen Ones would come crashing from the heavens. Dribble and Spitz knew nothing of the legend, as neither were avid newspaper readers, and ended up driving into the eye of the storm while carrying an unwanted passenger.

 

[Ninja-Z]

CHAPTER 3

Millions of light years away, in a galaxy named by the gods after their favorite candy, there existed a planet known as Earth. Compared to other celestial bodies such as the Mushroom Planet, it was largely insignificant in its size and reputation. Mushroomers were far more likeable than smelly, war-waging humans, the Mushroom Kingdom had a happier populace than the United States, and Cookie Mountain was a finer delicacy than Mount Everest could ever hope to be. In fact, the only reason otherworldy tourists bothered visiting Earth was to buy watches and surf across oceans slowly expanding under global warming.

It was on Earth, however, that an extraordinary event would forever alter its landscape. For years to come wars would end and begin based on the actions that had transpired, foreign policies would be changed drastically, and schools would change their curriculum to inform students of the most important date in the history of the universe. For centuries man would remember October 21, 1992, and weep.

It was in Brooklyn where a portly plumber and his anorexic accomplice were working on a leaking toilet when a careless swing of the wrench tore open the space-time continuum and created a dimensional link between Earth and the Mushroom Planet. Both men were sucked in along with the toilet and sink of the bathroom they were working in. It was at that moment that the gears of destiny were set into motion, and nothing would remain the same.

Except for Mount Everest, which lost at the Tastiest Mountain Competition (TMC) for the 4,540,000,000th time. Its dry, bitter taste would always lose out to Cookie Mountain’s sweetness no matter how hard it tried.

~~~

“Sally’s Funhouse” was not, as the name implied, a carnival attraction filled with mirrors that turned ******* into Goliath and boys into girls. It was a reflection of society’s realization that there were far more lonely men in the world than previously suspected. They walked the streets alone, moping about and spreading their sorrows like a contagious disease, leading to a brief but widespread panic over the issue. For years, government officials worked to find a solution, and at last they reached an agreement. If lonely men couldn’t find one woman for life, then why not give them a new woman every night? The special of the day, so to speak. Lonely men would still be lonely, but at least they could pretend they were in love.

Thus, businesses catering to lonely men all across the Mushroom Planet began popping up in swarms, rivaling the Earth phenomena of fast food chains. Even the polar ice caps had “funhouses” catering to lonely Eskimos, who were admittedly some of the loneliest people in existence. Sally’s Funhouse wasn’t the first of these establishments, nor would it be the last, but as it was the only business of its kind in Diamond City, it gained considerable traffic from men looking to satisfy their libido.

Dr. Crygor was not one of those men, primarily because he felt that he was above the selfish desires of mere mortals. His cryogenic suit was armed with several lasers and gadgets designed to prevent unwanted encounters with lusty women, and in his two-hundred and sixty years of life his suit had yet to fail him. With that in mind, he marched into Sally’s Funhouse with little regards towards the questionable conduct going on around him. He walked past overturned tables without a care, stepped over drunks while whistling calm tunes, and casually greeted two Mushroomers caught in the middle of a brawl over who was more wasted. Crygor oozed confidence, certain that his suit would save him from any trouble.

Heads turned towards Crygor as he walked towards the counter where a bored, droopy-eyed woman stared at him with a piece of gum sitting in her mouth. She yawned in his face before saying in a country drawl, “What’cha lookin’ fer, son?”

“Small, but still cozy. The sort that really gets the gears in your head turning if you sit in it for a while. I hope that’s not too demanding, Ms…” Crygor took a quick glance at the woman’s nametag, “Sally?”

Sally spat out her gum and pulled from underneath the counter a large, dusty book. She flipped through it quickly. “Le’see…small, cozy, gits yer brain twirlin’...there’s Kate, but she’s takin’.”

Crygor’s eyebrows furrowed. He was not aware that motels gave their rooms female names. He was never really up to date with new lingo, so he shrugged it off as a trivial detail.

“Is there anything available at the moment?” Crygor asked.

“Well, y’can wait fer a few seconds ‘fore Kate’s finished---” There came a scream from upstairs. “Oh, seems like they’re done already.”

The slamming of a door could be heard through the ceiling, followed by a series of forceful footsteps that made their way down the stairs into the lobby. A disheveled koopa, shell caved in and scales covered in wide gashes, emerged and pointed an accusatory finger at Sally.

“I demand a refund!” the koopa shouted.

Sally put her hands on her hips and stared at the dissatisfied customer in disbelief. “Now what’cha gettin’ at, boy? Y’ asked fer a wild night, you got wild. What else d’ I need to give ya?”

“When I asked for wild, I didn’t know you’d take it literally! I got thrown in with a monty mole; nearly got my head cut off!”

“Now, now, ‘Sally’s Funhouse’ has a strict, tolerance policy. Our employees should be respected regardless of their species---”

The Koopa tried to spit in Sally’s face, but through his swollen lips he only managed to drool a tooth out. “Forget tolerance, I’m out of here!” And with that, he stormed past the unconscious drunks and pushed out the door.

“Customers these days,” Sally remarked to Crygor. “Ya know what they be sayin’, ‘Ya can’t tame a mole,’ or somethin’ like that.”

Crygor was slightly perturbed by the encounter he had just witnessed, staring at the door the koopa had walked through in shock. “I believe that I’d rather not stay a night in Kate, if that’s alright.”

“No worries, sonny, not many people can stay in Kate fer more ‘en fifteen minutes,” Sally said before turning back to her book. “Now le’see, what else we got ‘ere…oh…oh dear.”

“What? I hope they’re not all taken.”

“No, no, we got one open, but she ain’t the best,” Sally insisted, her face growing pale.

Crygor shrugged. “I’m not really picky. So long as there’s room to work, I’ll take it.”

“Um…a’ight, then. Five coins fer one night. Room number is 217, stay as long as ya want.”

With a flourish, Crygor conjured five coins from his Auto-Smelting Purse---a device that automatically smelted copper into coins---and placed them on the counter. After a hasty “Thank you,” Crygor quickly ran up the stairs, ready to invent. In his rush, however, he failed to see Sally shake her head in sympathy as she marked off the name “Mona” in her book of employees.

 

[The Mano Games VII]

Hmmm you know from the start of the story as well as what the story basically was about, I thought this was going to be a boring and uninteresting oneshot where the characters were boring and said cliched things. I was wrong, this is great. Your characters are surprisingly well written and interesting and I love the personification you gave to the characters, especially Wario (oh I'm sry, thats "Dr. Crygor" isn't it? hehehe). That being said, I hope you do more chapters as I am very interested to see what happens to Crygor and his gang. Oh and don't take my sarcasm about Warios name seriously, I actually really like that name.