Venus' Lyrics

[Venus of the Desert Bloom]

I know I am new here but give my stuff a chance

Here is my first one:

"Venus of the Desert Bloom"

In a whithered embrace,
Awake thy ever desert bloom
Dost thou dance in twilight tears.
Thy silent dirge of gloom
Echoes upon thy fears.
Thy desert bloom; without a face.
Crumbles to dust in thy dreams.
Thy body released from thy seams.
Frozen in a bemused stare.
Takes thee by thine eyes.
Tortured innocence; oh so fair.
A saint among thine lies.

In dreadful curses
Thou long for thee to hold.
In gold and silver; rust and mold
Thost pays thee for thy sin.
A slayer of thine kin.
A sword in hand; a lover in another.
Carrion birds pluck out her eyes
While she's adorned by flies.
Oh what joy for a candle to smother!

Chorus
Do thee feel me?
Do thee move me?
Feel thy pleasure that thy dost deprive.
Monsters make war upon my doors
While my heart yearns for crystal shores.
Oh I want to survive!

Demons of holy light
Feast on thy tender flesh.
Watch thy ever bloody moon-ray.
Purity dies in the mesh,
Should thee go or stay?
Screams steal into this holy night.
Thy ever desert bloom; save thee
From thy sins that thou dost flee.
Claws rip apart thy breast,
Thy Venus; a darkening veil.
Hither she now comes to rest.
Day dost perish and night dost fail!

Chorus

A candle blown away.
Forlorn thou dost dance
In a city of mortal decay.
Enraptured in deadly romance.
Romantic murder in thy heart.
We praise thee in ****ation
While thee cries in thy void apart.
O' hark thy sighs of condemnation.
Thy abhorrent children wail
While thy beauty hides behind thy veil.
O' sweetness of lies,
Come hither and die!

Chorus

Be thy desert bloom and walk never more.
Venus of the desert bloom.
Guides thee to thy earthly gate.
Decorated with thy ever doom
Indulged with voluptuous hate.
Velvet hearts in darkness thy tore.

 

[nintendoxxx1]

...

That was terrible. How can we know the rythem to the song or whatnot?

 

[Venus of the Desert Bloom]

...your point meaning?

What was terrible about it? Was the supposed absence of rhythm terrible, the wording, or the fact that it's in lyrical form and not in musical or listening form?

 

[Armagopalypse]

A ye olden English song is.....new....but perfectly fine. Anyway, I'm usually more confortable with critiquing stories, not music and poems, but speaking from a simple enjoyment point of view it was fine to me. I'm pretty weak when it comes to poetry, so that's all I can say.

 

[Venus of the Desert Bloom]

Thanks.

I always like seeing people's view points from different persepctives concerning my writing. I infuse alot of gothic/olde-english/a-b, a-b, a-b-a-b, c rhyme schemes into my writing. If it was put to music, think of gothic/doom metal (that is my main genre of music). "Venus of the Desert Bloom" ended up being a 20 minute song which included a female fronted vocalist, a background male vocalist, violins, cellos, fiddles, and the obvious keyboards haha. Anyways, here is a new one:

"A Rebirth Reverberates into Love"

Chorus
I am dead forever
To be seen; never
These bonds I wish to sever.
O' God kill me please.
I am dead forever.
To be seen; never.
These bonds I wish to sever.
O' death love me please.

Thy herald of rage.
Lo! I dance upon thy threshing-floor.
Thou bride of decay;
thou dress thee tore.
Thee sins I repay.
Inside thee restrictive cage.
I lost my love star.

Thee love star; I praise.
Greatest of joy; greatest of mirth.
In glory thee watched thine fall.
Pain be pain and in thy birth;
I watch in awe.
I wander in thine sinful maze.
I hold my love star.

Chorus

But now thine love is dead forever.
Thine love star will be never
By thine side as once before.
I call thee name is the gloom.
O' wretched mother and *****;
Usurper of light strays on my door.
******* mother of light.
******* father of night.
My love star did fall.
Beyond my loudest call.
Now I lay dying.

Chorus

Fly of miserable god;
To thine thone of empathy.
What I saw there all was dead,
My paradise; my love.
Death, sieze me!
In thine night, I beckon thee
Slay me as thou slew Cain.
I beg thee death;
and death begs me.
My mortal coil
My mortal heart.
My love star falls to the deeps.
And I wail for her.

Chorus
I lay dead forever
To be alive; never
This life I wish to sever.
O' god hate me please.
I lay dead forever.
To be alive; never.
This life I wish to sever.
O' death renew me please.

For lo I lost my love star.
In my arrogance.
I lost her.