Fatmanonice
Banned via Warnings
Link to original post: [drupal=3393]Thoughts on Being Alone[/drupal]
Before I begin, this isn’t a rant and it isn’t a cry for attention. With the title, you’d expect that but I’m past the days where I kept to myself and bemoaned how alone I was despite it being almost entirely my fault. A lot has changed in the past year and a half including my thoughts on being alone. The reason I’m writing this essay is because, for the past week, I’ve mostly kept to myself in my basement trying to beat a game I borrowed from a friend almost a year ago and the shift in my mental mindset has become all the more apparent.
At home, the basement is where my “room” is. It’s not really a room as it is a futon, a TV, and various treasures/crap that I’ve collected over the years. My real room is on the second story but I’ve used the basement as my room for about ten years now for a variety of reasons. One reason is that I could be closer to the cats as I usually spent a good half of my day with them when I’m at home anyways. Another was to secretly watch TV and play video games past midnight back in the days when my “bed time” was 9 and staying up until four in the morning to beat a game or watch an R rated movie and not get caught was like Mission Impossible. Yet another reason is that, probably since I was four, it has acted as a sanctuary of sorts. When I was sad about something, I’d go to the basement. If I got in trouble, I’d go to the basement. If I was annoyed, angry, or depressed, I’d go to the basement. The only thing noteworthy about the basement for years was that was where my “game corner” was and then I just sort of moved most of my stuff down there. It was my cave and I didn’t get visitors very often both to my joy and dismay. Some nights the only source of light was that which flickered from the TV as I played Megaman X or Super Smash Bros until the sun rose. It was dark and somewhat dank but it was home within my home.
Things haven’t changed that much over the years when it comes to the basement. When I’m at home I still spend most of my time in the basement and my family usually only comes down when they want to talk about something serious or ask me something that can’t be asked by simply shouting from upstairs. It’s still a place that I do a lot of thinking although now-a-days my thoughts are, by in large, much more positive and less cynical. I’m more at peace when I’m by myself now-a-days. In the past, it was generally a time when I beat myself up over little things. Despite being a loner, looking back, I think being alone stressed me out more than being around people. I generally didn’t like being around other people but I didn’t like being alone all that much either. There were some people who helped me forget/forgive my faults while others seemed to magnify them. As I grew older, the people who made me feel bad about myself decreased. Elementary school was the worst and by the time I was in college I was virtually the only antagonist left. Despite this, my overall attitude didn’t change too much.
To keep things simple, I became prejudice towards various groups because, at the time, combating hate with hate seemed fully justified. For a short time in elementary school, I hated teenagers because of a large number of incidents throughout those years. For about a year in middle school, I hated black people because of the interactions with the few I actually knew in real life. For another year in high school, I hated gay people because of the life decisions my cousin was making at the time when he came out of the closet. This habit changed to one that was arguably just as bad during the first 2 ½ years of college when I directed all my hate onto myself. During each of these times, my hate was the most apparent when I was by myself because, truthfully, a vast majority of people didn’t know these things about me. I covered it up, for the most part, and carried being annoyed with not only those groups but people in general. I rarely had a moment of peace and a part of me believed that was how things were meant to be.
As I said before, my attitude made a major shift about a year and a half ago. For the first time in years I felt reasonably comfortable around more than just a few people and I’ve been able to connect with a lot of great people since then. By connecting with other people, I started to become more concerned with their problems than my own and that brings us to the point of this essay. As I’ve said in past essays, my life is pretty easy going at the moment. I don’t have too many responsibilities to worry about especially when you consider that I’m still in school and still dependent on my parents for various things. I’ve come to realize that every problem I’ve ever had in my life is laughable in the grand scheme of things and that they shouldn’t stress me out. My stress, now-a-days, comes entirely from involving myself in other people’s problems.
Now more than ever, I’m at peace when I’m alone but I’m not satisfied with that. I don’t believe the purpose of life is to be perpetually comfortable and one of the easiest ways to find comfort is to remove yourself from other people. People cause conflict but does conflict have to be such a negative thing? Are most people’s problems really so bad that getting involved in them destroys our sense of peace? Shouldn’t we seek to make a negative a positive and try to bring peace that way? I’m not an idealist and I fully realize that peace is, just that, an ideal. Whenever there’s people involved, there’s bound to be biting, scratching, and the throwing of pies. Every major social problem that effects our world right now can just as easily be labeled a farce. With all this never ending monkey business going on, why bother getting involved at all? Why not just crack open a beer while the whole world burns and complain about the ashes that waft into your can?
I’ve always believed in doing good for the sake of doing good (AKA altruism) but in the past it mostly had negative feelings tied to it because I believed very few people were genuinely grateful for it. The truth is that really is the case. Most people don’t really think about good deeds that much and everybody’s guilty of it to some degree. Genuinely compassionate people are often given the cold shoulder and those that give the most often get nothing in return aside from “the warm fuzzies.” Is this right? No. Does this mean that good deeds shouldn’t be done at all? Of course not. Obviously, it’s much harder to shake a man’s hand if you know his intent is to break your arm but the effort should be made never-the-less. When it comes to interacting with people, there are always risks. Working with people risks you sacrificing a part of your ego, a part of your free time, a part of your sanity. It makes you wonder why more people aren’t recluses and I’m sure that, if it were more practical, more people would be. Knowing that you may very well get nothing back in return makes this even harder and the idea of being alone seem more ideal. Once again, this further stresses how important it is to let go of that side of yourself that says doing good is only worth doing if it makes you comfortable or you get something back in return.
As a longtime basement dweller, I know what being alone for long periods of time is like. When you really sit down and look around you though you notice that there are four walls and you are almost literally in a box. You may feel comfortable but that’s only because you’re depriving yourself of what the outside world has to offer. The outside world may hurt you and drive you up a wall with all the meager problems that people face but how do you expect those problems to go away if you don’t do anything to help better them? Even helping a friend is still helping. I think the box that most people trap themselves in is believing that unless they do something on a large scale that it doesn’t mean anything at all when the reality of things is that big problems can be chipped down by dealing with the smaller ones. I’ll admit that I get worn out by looking at other people’s problems but I still find something rewarding about it. I’ve come to learn that patience really is a virtue and that simply learning to put up with people can be task all on its own. People are difficult but so are the bigger problems that we face. To deal with both, it’s necessary to step out of the basement and ask “what can I do to help?”
Fatmanonice, May 31st 2010
“The biggest reward for a job well done is to have done it.” –Voltaire
“Blessed is he who expects nothing for he will never be disappointed.” –Jonathan Swift
“If a man be gracious and courteous to strangers, it shows that he is a citizen of the world.”- Sir Francis Bacon Sr.
Before I begin, this isn’t a rant and it isn’t a cry for attention. With the title, you’d expect that but I’m past the days where I kept to myself and bemoaned how alone I was despite it being almost entirely my fault. A lot has changed in the past year and a half including my thoughts on being alone. The reason I’m writing this essay is because, for the past week, I’ve mostly kept to myself in my basement trying to beat a game I borrowed from a friend almost a year ago and the shift in my mental mindset has become all the more apparent.
At home, the basement is where my “room” is. It’s not really a room as it is a futon, a TV, and various treasures/crap that I’ve collected over the years. My real room is on the second story but I’ve used the basement as my room for about ten years now for a variety of reasons. One reason is that I could be closer to the cats as I usually spent a good half of my day with them when I’m at home anyways. Another was to secretly watch TV and play video games past midnight back in the days when my “bed time” was 9 and staying up until four in the morning to beat a game or watch an R rated movie and not get caught was like Mission Impossible. Yet another reason is that, probably since I was four, it has acted as a sanctuary of sorts. When I was sad about something, I’d go to the basement. If I got in trouble, I’d go to the basement. If I was annoyed, angry, or depressed, I’d go to the basement. The only thing noteworthy about the basement for years was that was where my “game corner” was and then I just sort of moved most of my stuff down there. It was my cave and I didn’t get visitors very often both to my joy and dismay. Some nights the only source of light was that which flickered from the TV as I played Megaman X or Super Smash Bros until the sun rose. It was dark and somewhat dank but it was home within my home.
Things haven’t changed that much over the years when it comes to the basement. When I’m at home I still spend most of my time in the basement and my family usually only comes down when they want to talk about something serious or ask me something that can’t be asked by simply shouting from upstairs. It’s still a place that I do a lot of thinking although now-a-days my thoughts are, by in large, much more positive and less cynical. I’m more at peace when I’m by myself now-a-days. In the past, it was generally a time when I beat myself up over little things. Despite being a loner, looking back, I think being alone stressed me out more than being around people. I generally didn’t like being around other people but I didn’t like being alone all that much either. There were some people who helped me forget/forgive my faults while others seemed to magnify them. As I grew older, the people who made me feel bad about myself decreased. Elementary school was the worst and by the time I was in college I was virtually the only antagonist left. Despite this, my overall attitude didn’t change too much.
To keep things simple, I became prejudice towards various groups because, at the time, combating hate with hate seemed fully justified. For a short time in elementary school, I hated teenagers because of a large number of incidents throughout those years. For about a year in middle school, I hated black people because of the interactions with the few I actually knew in real life. For another year in high school, I hated gay people because of the life decisions my cousin was making at the time when he came out of the closet. This habit changed to one that was arguably just as bad during the first 2 ½ years of college when I directed all my hate onto myself. During each of these times, my hate was the most apparent when I was by myself because, truthfully, a vast majority of people didn’t know these things about me. I covered it up, for the most part, and carried being annoyed with not only those groups but people in general. I rarely had a moment of peace and a part of me believed that was how things were meant to be.
As I said before, my attitude made a major shift about a year and a half ago. For the first time in years I felt reasonably comfortable around more than just a few people and I’ve been able to connect with a lot of great people since then. By connecting with other people, I started to become more concerned with their problems than my own and that brings us to the point of this essay. As I’ve said in past essays, my life is pretty easy going at the moment. I don’t have too many responsibilities to worry about especially when you consider that I’m still in school and still dependent on my parents for various things. I’ve come to realize that every problem I’ve ever had in my life is laughable in the grand scheme of things and that they shouldn’t stress me out. My stress, now-a-days, comes entirely from involving myself in other people’s problems.
Now more than ever, I’m at peace when I’m alone but I’m not satisfied with that. I don’t believe the purpose of life is to be perpetually comfortable and one of the easiest ways to find comfort is to remove yourself from other people. People cause conflict but does conflict have to be such a negative thing? Are most people’s problems really so bad that getting involved in them destroys our sense of peace? Shouldn’t we seek to make a negative a positive and try to bring peace that way? I’m not an idealist and I fully realize that peace is, just that, an ideal. Whenever there’s people involved, there’s bound to be biting, scratching, and the throwing of pies. Every major social problem that effects our world right now can just as easily be labeled a farce. With all this never ending monkey business going on, why bother getting involved at all? Why not just crack open a beer while the whole world burns and complain about the ashes that waft into your can?
I’ve always believed in doing good for the sake of doing good (AKA altruism) but in the past it mostly had negative feelings tied to it because I believed very few people were genuinely grateful for it. The truth is that really is the case. Most people don’t really think about good deeds that much and everybody’s guilty of it to some degree. Genuinely compassionate people are often given the cold shoulder and those that give the most often get nothing in return aside from “the warm fuzzies.” Is this right? No. Does this mean that good deeds shouldn’t be done at all? Of course not. Obviously, it’s much harder to shake a man’s hand if you know his intent is to break your arm but the effort should be made never-the-less. When it comes to interacting with people, there are always risks. Working with people risks you sacrificing a part of your ego, a part of your free time, a part of your sanity. It makes you wonder why more people aren’t recluses and I’m sure that, if it were more practical, more people would be. Knowing that you may very well get nothing back in return makes this even harder and the idea of being alone seem more ideal. Once again, this further stresses how important it is to let go of that side of yourself that says doing good is only worth doing if it makes you comfortable or you get something back in return.
As a longtime basement dweller, I know what being alone for long periods of time is like. When you really sit down and look around you though you notice that there are four walls and you are almost literally in a box. You may feel comfortable but that’s only because you’re depriving yourself of what the outside world has to offer. The outside world may hurt you and drive you up a wall with all the meager problems that people face but how do you expect those problems to go away if you don’t do anything to help better them? Even helping a friend is still helping. I think the box that most people trap themselves in is believing that unless they do something on a large scale that it doesn’t mean anything at all when the reality of things is that big problems can be chipped down by dealing with the smaller ones. I’ll admit that I get worn out by looking at other people’s problems but I still find something rewarding about it. I’ve come to learn that patience really is a virtue and that simply learning to put up with people can be task all on its own. People are difficult but so are the bigger problems that we face. To deal with both, it’s necessary to step out of the basement and ask “what can I do to help?”
Fatmanonice, May 31st 2010
“The biggest reward for a job well done is to have done it.” –Voltaire
“Blessed is he who expects nothing for he will never be disappointed.” –Jonathan Swift
“If a man be gracious and courteous to strangers, it shows that he is a citizen of the world.”- Sir Francis Bacon Sr.
