TheWaft
Smash Journeyman
Hello there. I was bored so I decided to post this paper I did for LA. Its pretty short, and give me some feedback if you want to.
Cheesehead, an incredibly fat and short guy with a gigantic rainbow afro was walking through Time Square when his assistant, Chee-Z, a twelve year-old genius with a blond mullet came up and started explaining a recent crime.
“Cheesehead, listen up! You know Umph!, that guy who loves concrete?”
“Sure do, what about him?” replied Cheesehead.
“Well, as your assistant, I have gathered up some information. First off, Umph!’s concrete has been stole, and there is not a single drop of it left.”
“Well, this is surprising! That was the most well-defended concrete in the world, what kind of mastermind would have the guts and brains to perform such a thing, and second off, why?”
“Well, Cheesehead, while you were eating chips, I actually did some investigating. You see, a few days ago, a black hole suddenly appeared by Umph!’s house. Furthermore, various objects from random time periods have consistently been appearing in Umph!’s house.
“Hmm. Most intriguing. What kind of objects?” replied Cheesehead.
“Well,” Chee-Z continued, “Twice Umph! Was almost skewered by an axe, a wagon landed on his head, he was recently seen riding around on a hover board, and some guy appeared that won’t stop rambling on about getting to the west.”
“Are there any suspects of convictions of this?” asked Cheesehead
“Yeah, a guy named !xob!xob claims that he made the black hole with his special powers, and was the cause of all this. With this admitted, the case may seem completely closed, but as you may have heard, !xob!xob desperately wants to go to jail. So I have ruled out the possibility that he actually stole the concrete, and I honestly have no idea people are believing this guy has special powers. However, he did a good job of framing himself by leaving behind a piece of cloth at Umph!’s house. I have also gathered that…”
Suddenly, a ridiculous looking man with a black and red cape popped out of a nearby ally and began talking to Cheesehead and Chee-Z.
“Hello there,” he said “You don’t need to try to solve this crime, !xob!xob is already in police custody. I do wonder how he obtained those special powers,” the man drifted off.
“But he didn’t do it!” Chee-Z exclaimed.
“He already admitted, so the case is closed. By the way, my name is Burger, and he was gone with a few steps.
“Hmph. I don’t like that guy. I have to prove him wrong. Well, I guess I’ll continue my investigation, see ya’round, Cheesehead.”
Back home, Cheesehead began to eat chips. By the time he finished four bags, he ate a bag of sour cream flavored chips. And then out of nowhere, a koala flew right into Cheesehead’s head.
That was weird, thought Cheesehead, and he continued eating chips.
(Back at Chee-Z’s investigation and the scene of the crime). “After a DNA test this cloth and these fingerprints do seem to belong to !xob!xob. Also, his DNA is on all of these things that randomly showed up and Umph!’s house. Guess I’ll go visit Umph! And see what he has to say.”
(At Umph!’s place) “Why?! Why did my concrete have to get stolen, couldn’t it of been anyone else? WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHYYYYYY!!!!!!???!??!??!??!? Why me?!”
The door opened, and a 12 year old kid walked in.
“Go away,” said Umph! dryly.
“Not before I asked you a few questions,” replied Chee-Z. “Now then, what exactly happened?”
“Exactly what seemed to happen. I went out for a snack and when I came back, there was a black hole, a giraffe, and my concrete was gone. They got !xob!xob in jail, but I didn’t get my concrete back.”
“Hmm. Most intriguing, but do you have any idea where your concrete is?”
“!xob!xob claims he threw it off a cliff.”
“Well, that’ll be all. Thank you for your time, Umph!.” Umph! grumbled back and ushered Chee-Z out of his place.
Chee-Z submitted his request for a hearing and a try for innocence of !xob!xob. Even though the evidence was against him, Chee-Z knew that !xob!xob didn’t steal the concrete. He just had some weird feeling that it wasn’t him.
About a week later, Cheesehead, Chee-Z, Umph!, !xob!xob, Burger, the judge, and a few jury members gathered around the center podium.
“Now then, let’s get this over with, shall we? All of the evidence points against !xob!xob and I want to get home in time for dinner tonight. So let’s make this quick. Your opening, Chee-Z.”
“Thank you, judge,” began Chee-Z. “People of the jury, you probably know that !xob!xob desperately wants to go to jail. So, my conclusion is that he made all of the evidence point against him and admitted to make it seem like he did the crime, when he actually did not, just to go to jail. Also…”
“That’s not true!” interrupted !xob!xob “I was the one who stole the concrete, and that is final!”
The judge quieted !xob!xob, and the jury spoke.
“Chee-Z, if !xob!xob did not commit this crime, then who did?”
“Well you see,” began Chee-Z, “um… I guess I didn’t think about that.”
“Well then, I guess the case is closed then?” asked the judge.
“Wait, stop!” exclaimed Chee-Z, “Why won’t you people listen to me? What’s wrong with you all anyway? Why is no one concerned or even wondering why there is a black hole on this planet, and we’re all still in one piece? Seriously, why is everyone around me a total idiot? Look at Cheesehead! He’s supposed to be some great detective, but he just dumps the work on me and eats chips all day! Also, !xob!xob, first of all that’s not even a name, and why in the world would you want to go to jail?”
“I love jail,” replied !xob!xob. Chee-Z was getting angrier.
“Umph!! That’s not a name eith-”
“Did you just insult my name,” Umph! began angrily, pulling out a sword.
“Alright, this just doesn’t make sense anymore. Why is my name Chee-Z, why is my partner named Cheesehead, why is that guy name Burger, why does !xob!xob want to go to jail, why is Umph! making such a big deal out of concrete, and where did that sword come from? Plus, there can’t even be a black hole, or a time rift about three blocks away.
Right after Chee-Z finished, the same flying koala once again collided with Cheesehead’s face, flew away, and Cheesehead continued eating chips.
“See what I mean?” Chee-Z pointed out.
“Yes, this all does seem a little weird,” said the judge, “but that’s beside the point. If !xob!xob didn’t steal the concrete, then who did?”
“I know,” Cheesehead stood up, took a deep breath, and revealed the criminal. “Burger stole the concrete.”
Silence
“What?! How could some chip-lover like you figure me out? My plan was perfect! I split the molecules of that black hole, and, using a radioactive powered fan, blew the right next to Umph!’s house, where they diffused and rearranged back into a black hole that appeared right by Umph!’s house. After that, I used a high fructose auto glucose energy dispenser over the black hole, giving it a mass amount of energy that was released and displaced into a large flow of inertia, and the opposing forces collided, keeping the planet alive, but creating a hole in the fabric of time. I passed through it into the only time that Umph! was guarding his concrete, and took it. Because I stole it from the past, any onlooker would simply see it disappear. And, no one would see me take it. Ever. But I guess you saw through me, Cheesehead. Tell me, how did you figure it out?”
“Well, I didn’t really, I just guessed. And you just told us all.”
Silence
“Why did I say that? All my plans, RUINED!!!” and the police officers took him away.
“Wait! Take me with you!” !xob !xob said, and ran after them.
IT’S EPILOUGE TIME J
Chee-Z apologized to Cheesehead for yelling. Umph! went back home, grasping his concrete. !xob!xob punched a total of four hundred civilians, and was, eventually, sent to jail. Chee-Z went back to solve many cases, and Cheesehead set a world record, he ate a total of 100,00 bags of chips in his lifetime. Burger spent his life in jail, and the same flying koala that hit Cheesehead so many times tormented Burger at least once per day. Thus ends the story of “The Stolen Concrete.” Chocolate is good. Yum.
Cheesehead, an incredibly fat and short guy with a gigantic rainbow afro was walking through Time Square when his assistant, Chee-Z, a twelve year-old genius with a blond mullet came up and started explaining a recent crime.
“Cheesehead, listen up! You know Umph!, that guy who loves concrete?”
“Sure do, what about him?” replied Cheesehead.
“Well, as your assistant, I have gathered up some information. First off, Umph!’s concrete has been stole, and there is not a single drop of it left.”
“Well, this is surprising! That was the most well-defended concrete in the world, what kind of mastermind would have the guts and brains to perform such a thing, and second off, why?”
“Well, Cheesehead, while you were eating chips, I actually did some investigating. You see, a few days ago, a black hole suddenly appeared by Umph!’s house. Furthermore, various objects from random time periods have consistently been appearing in Umph!’s house.
“Hmm. Most intriguing. What kind of objects?” replied Cheesehead.
“Well,” Chee-Z continued, “Twice Umph! Was almost skewered by an axe, a wagon landed on his head, he was recently seen riding around on a hover board, and some guy appeared that won’t stop rambling on about getting to the west.”
“Are there any suspects of convictions of this?” asked Cheesehead
“Yeah, a guy named !xob!xob claims that he made the black hole with his special powers, and was the cause of all this. With this admitted, the case may seem completely closed, but as you may have heard, !xob!xob desperately wants to go to jail. So I have ruled out the possibility that he actually stole the concrete, and I honestly have no idea people are believing this guy has special powers. However, he did a good job of framing himself by leaving behind a piece of cloth at Umph!’s house. I have also gathered that…”
Suddenly, a ridiculous looking man with a black and red cape popped out of a nearby ally and began talking to Cheesehead and Chee-Z.
“Hello there,” he said “You don’t need to try to solve this crime, !xob!xob is already in police custody. I do wonder how he obtained those special powers,” the man drifted off.
“But he didn’t do it!” Chee-Z exclaimed.
“He already admitted, so the case is closed. By the way, my name is Burger, and he was gone with a few steps.
“Hmph. I don’t like that guy. I have to prove him wrong. Well, I guess I’ll continue my investigation, see ya’round, Cheesehead.”
Back home, Cheesehead began to eat chips. By the time he finished four bags, he ate a bag of sour cream flavored chips. And then out of nowhere, a koala flew right into Cheesehead’s head.
That was weird, thought Cheesehead, and he continued eating chips.
(Back at Chee-Z’s investigation and the scene of the crime). “After a DNA test this cloth and these fingerprints do seem to belong to !xob!xob. Also, his DNA is on all of these things that randomly showed up and Umph!’s house. Guess I’ll go visit Umph! And see what he has to say.”
(At Umph!’s place) “Why?! Why did my concrete have to get stolen, couldn’t it of been anyone else? WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHYYYYYY!!!!!!???!??!??!??!? Why me?!”
The door opened, and a 12 year old kid walked in.
“Go away,” said Umph! dryly.
“Not before I asked you a few questions,” replied Chee-Z. “Now then, what exactly happened?”
“Exactly what seemed to happen. I went out for a snack and when I came back, there was a black hole, a giraffe, and my concrete was gone. They got !xob!xob in jail, but I didn’t get my concrete back.”
“Hmm. Most intriguing, but do you have any idea where your concrete is?”
“!xob!xob claims he threw it off a cliff.”
“Well, that’ll be all. Thank you for your time, Umph!.” Umph! grumbled back and ushered Chee-Z out of his place.
Chee-Z submitted his request for a hearing and a try for innocence of !xob!xob. Even though the evidence was against him, Chee-Z knew that !xob!xob didn’t steal the concrete. He just had some weird feeling that it wasn’t him.
About a week later, Cheesehead, Chee-Z, Umph!, !xob!xob, Burger, the judge, and a few jury members gathered around the center podium.
“Now then, let’s get this over with, shall we? All of the evidence points against !xob!xob and I want to get home in time for dinner tonight. So let’s make this quick. Your opening, Chee-Z.”
“Thank you, judge,” began Chee-Z. “People of the jury, you probably know that !xob!xob desperately wants to go to jail. So, my conclusion is that he made all of the evidence point against him and admitted to make it seem like he did the crime, when he actually did not, just to go to jail. Also…”
“That’s not true!” interrupted !xob!xob “I was the one who stole the concrete, and that is final!”
The judge quieted !xob!xob, and the jury spoke.
“Chee-Z, if !xob!xob did not commit this crime, then who did?”
“Well you see,” began Chee-Z, “um… I guess I didn’t think about that.”
“Well then, I guess the case is closed then?” asked the judge.
“Wait, stop!” exclaimed Chee-Z, “Why won’t you people listen to me? What’s wrong with you all anyway? Why is no one concerned or even wondering why there is a black hole on this planet, and we’re all still in one piece? Seriously, why is everyone around me a total idiot? Look at Cheesehead! He’s supposed to be some great detective, but he just dumps the work on me and eats chips all day! Also, !xob!xob, first of all that’s not even a name, and why in the world would you want to go to jail?”
“I love jail,” replied !xob!xob. Chee-Z was getting angrier.
“Umph!! That’s not a name eith-”
“Did you just insult my name,” Umph! began angrily, pulling out a sword.
“Alright, this just doesn’t make sense anymore. Why is my name Chee-Z, why is my partner named Cheesehead, why is that guy name Burger, why does !xob!xob want to go to jail, why is Umph! making such a big deal out of concrete, and where did that sword come from? Plus, there can’t even be a black hole, or a time rift about three blocks away.
Right after Chee-Z finished, the same flying koala once again collided with Cheesehead’s face, flew away, and Cheesehead continued eating chips.
“See what I mean?” Chee-Z pointed out.
“Yes, this all does seem a little weird,” said the judge, “but that’s beside the point. If !xob!xob didn’t steal the concrete, then who did?”
“I know,” Cheesehead stood up, took a deep breath, and revealed the criminal. “Burger stole the concrete.”
Silence
“What?! How could some chip-lover like you figure me out? My plan was perfect! I split the molecules of that black hole, and, using a radioactive powered fan, blew the right next to Umph!’s house, where they diffused and rearranged back into a black hole that appeared right by Umph!’s house. After that, I used a high fructose auto glucose energy dispenser over the black hole, giving it a mass amount of energy that was released and displaced into a large flow of inertia, and the opposing forces collided, keeping the planet alive, but creating a hole in the fabric of time. I passed through it into the only time that Umph! was guarding his concrete, and took it. Because I stole it from the past, any onlooker would simply see it disappear. And, no one would see me take it. Ever. But I guess you saw through me, Cheesehead. Tell me, how did you figure it out?”
“Well, I didn’t really, I just guessed. And you just told us all.”
Silence
“Why did I say that? All my plans, RUINED!!!” and the police officers took him away.
“Wait! Take me with you!” !xob !xob said, and ran after them.
IT’S EPILOUGE TIME J
Chee-Z apologized to Cheesehead for yelling. Umph! went back home, grasping his concrete. !xob!xob punched a total of four hundred civilians, and was, eventually, sent to jail. Chee-Z went back to solve many cases, and Cheesehead set a world record, he ate a total of 100,00 bags of chips in his lifetime. Burger spent his life in jail, and the same flying koala that hit Cheesehead so many times tormented Burger at least once per day. Thus ends the story of “The Stolen Concrete.” Chocolate is good. Yum.
