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The SOSDS

DerpDaBerp

Smash Champion
Joined
Oct 26, 2008
Messages
2,589
Location
AZ
Henry Lechner, for four days and nights, had been sitting in a lawn chair that he had perched on the roof of his and his family's temporary apartment residence peering through a spyglass. His bathing and sleeping habits were lacking and there were dirty paper plates and coffee cups all around him.

The metal doorway behind him that led down to the suites concealed a more-than-concerned wife who took a deep breath of preparation before revealing herself under the apartment's cheap mercury vapor lamp. It was her husband's new hobby that disturbed her and their daughter most. His recent detatchment and their moving to a particularly bad side of town was a sudden source of anxiety.

Henry turned around startled. "Oh, hello Edna."

"Hello, Henry." she said lowly. He turned back to his telescope.

She didn't really know how to approach the matter. She gazed up as if looking for help, as she does during times of any stress. Edna finds some solace in observing the stars in the night sky. She doesn't really know anything about them and so frequently arranges new figures between them. The greenish one straight up caught her eye and its beauty gave her comfort.

"Mary's asleep. Finally." She said, and paused for a few moments. "She wouldn't stop scratching at herself."

He said nothing.

She began to rub the left side of her neck. "I've been doing it too, actually. Ever since the surgery," as if to test Henry's empathy.

"That's to be expected, I suppose." he stated.

She continued to rub as she walked toward the building's edge and stared out, trying to find the same significance her husband did. She didn't want to be here in this complex. One could hear the clangs and hollers of a vulgar populace at night. The general environment imposed a more dubious sense of security than what the Lechners are accustomed to. But apparently this area was important enough to Henry to draw them out of their suburban shells for a little while.

"Henry, I need to ask you about something." she admitted eventually.

Again, he didn't respond.

There were many things on Edna's mind, and chiselling away at her husband's inanimation was the only way to get an explanation.

She came a bit closer and restated, "Henry? Henry, we need to talk."

"About what?" He asked, not turning around.

"About these things, Henry." she said, a massaging hand around her throat, "What are they for? They don't feel right."

The man rotated a few degrees to get a fresh vantage point on the streets below. "Didn't the uh... the doctors tell you anything?"

"Nothing that would really answer the question."

He adjusted his view again for a few moments. "Well. They're essentially um... well they're tiny little gizmos. And... some very important people were very interested in them, aaand I was paid a lot of money to make them." Edna did not appreciate his answer's lack of dedication.

"A Gizmo? What are they supposed to do?"

Henry exhaled audibly. "They're kind of like... They're just safety measures, Dear, please..."

There was a bit more nerve in her tone by now. "And why were we not safe before?"

For the first time tonight he stood from his seat, taking off his glasses and wiping his forehead as he did so.

"Dear, I've told you before that I'm not allowed to go into detail about it for the time being." foregoing any clarification.

"You can understand my concern though, can't you? You can't expect me to pass it off like nothing. It's a strange thing to know something you're not familiar with is inside of you, Henry! And now it's supposed to be for our own good? I'm worried about Mary too."

"Look, honey," he said conclusively, "everyone in the city went through the same procedure as you, you're not the only one with that chip." This did not help much. Edna crossed her arms in frustration. "And soon enough it's going to be accepted as a standard across the whole country. It'll be strange NOT to have one. You need to relax."

"I've never heard of anything like this being done before."

"I know you must be stressed. I've put this family through a lot recently what with the new job and late nights and such, but it's all for you guys. I love you and Mary very much. After all these years, would you not trust me?" He said this all in a rushed fashion, but it is a rather heavy question.

"I do," she said, "I just... I need some kind of answer." Henry sat back down. "Like why didn't you get one?"

A series of violent pops struck at the air.

"Oh my God, what was that?" Edna exclaimed.

Henry grabbed his telescope with both hands and quickly looked around at the streets below.

"There we are!" he said once he held position. Edna came up to him and looked in the direction his telescope was aimed. About a quarter mile away it seemed a young man was firing rounds into some kind of shop. It appeared to be an attempted robbery.

"Oh my God," Edna yelped again, "We should call the police!"

"No, wait! Wait." demanded Henry, "Just wait."

"People are shooting down there, I'm calling 9-1-1 right now!" She began for the door back.

The shooter was running down the avenue in the direction of their apartment. Perhaps fifty yards were covered before he started slowing down.

Henry gasped. "It's working," he said to himself with pleasure in his voice.

Through the telescope, he could see the air around the young man start to waver and vibrate like some kind of far-off mirage. Little glowing specks began to swim around that spot on the sidewalk and align themselves vertically where the young man now stood, disoriented.

Edna had heard what her husband said and looked back. She too was able to observe the column of little dimly lit dots which were beginning to coalesce. Between the frustration, confusion and now a foreboding fascination, she found herself coming slowly back to where she could see what was going on.

Henry silently thanked the streetlights as, through his magnified view, he could clearly see the young man bent over for a few tense moments as the little specks of light began to grow more dense. The boy then vomited blood all over the ground.

Edna put her hand to her mouth in surprise. She didn't feel much like talking anymore.

Her periheral vision had suddenly registered a change and snatched her attention. She looked toward the sky and didn't see the green star anymore, for that once soothing light was now a distinguished red.

Edna, and anyone else watching, was then caught greatly off guard. From that point in the sky, a magnificient flash of light bore down on the street. It seemed at first to be lightning, but it was so unnaturally exact. It was a glaring and deliberate cylinder. It was accompanied by no crash of thunder, but a loud buzz that choked the air for a few moments.

When it ceased, and after recovering from the brightness, the two on the roof stared back down at the sidewalk they had just betrayed their attention from. There was no more boy. Naught but a char on the concrete.

"There it is, Dear!"

She turned to him slowly and wide-eyed.

"They're calling it the 'Strike-One Security Defense System'. Isn't it fantastic?"

The light from the roof's lamp bounced off of his eyes and toothed smile.

Edna fainted.
 

Jim Morrison

Smash Authority
Joined
Aug 28, 2008
Messages
15,287
Location
The Netherlands
I really have no opinion on the story being told and the general progression of the contents, but I do however have an opinion on the style of how this is written!

The first thing to note is, you have found an amazing balance between description and dialogue, particularly the characters during the dialogue. It didn't detract from it, nor add too much.
The trouble I had, though it is most likely due to it being a short story, I couldn't envision in what kind of city this was. Would it be a futuristic city, was it just like New York present day or still something different? It left me with a lot to fill in myself, which is nice, but envisioning EVERYTHING in the surroundings (except it being on a rooftop) is quite hard and makes me put the story down for a bit.

On the characters: I enjoyed Henry. I felt that, within the short timeframe of this story, I already got to know a lot about what kind of person Henry would be in other situations. Henry is a ****.
Edna on the other hand, I had no idea what to think of her. She was kind of just there to have a dialogue with Henry and make him stick out. Well no, that's not entirely true, it's just that she kind of paled in comparison to the more interesting character of Henry.

Also, scratch what I said first, about not having an opinion on the story, I do.
It was a very interesting, and a bit disturbing concept. At first I didn't understand exactly what happened and what the green star in the sky was supposed to be, but after re-reading it, I fully understood and it made a lot more sense.
I've recently read a work by Aldous Huxley (and a friend of his), called Jacob's Hands. It was an unpublished book, probably meant to be a screenplay. As it was written like a screenplay, it was incredibly easy to picture the story. I had the same feeling with your story. It was very vivid, once I figured out what kind of city this was taking place in.

Finally, the pace is something I can appreciate. It didn't drag on or rush through things, and I can definitely see why you got the WWYP feather :p.

Question: Did you write this up prior to posting it here, or was it just inspiration, write a story, post it here (as well)? It seems like it could be something of a larger bundle of stories, like it had a pre- or sequel.
My guess is not, because it is very obvious that this was intended and you just start the story in medias res.
 

DerpDaBerp

Smash Champion
Joined
Oct 26, 2008
Messages
2,589
Location
AZ
I really have no opinion on the story being told and the general progression of the contents, but I do however have an opinion on the style of how this is written!

1 The first thing to note is, you have found an amazing balance between description and dialogue, particularly the characters during the dialogue. It didn't detract from it, nor add too much.
The trouble I had, though it is most likely due to it being a short story, I couldn't envision in what kind of city this was. Would it be a futuristic city, was it just like New York present day or still something different? It left me with a lot to fill in myself, which is nice, but envisioning EVERYTHING in the surroundings (except it being on a rooftop) is quite hard and makes me put the story down for a bit.

2 On the characters: I enjoyed Henry. I felt that, within the short timeframe of this story, I already got to know a lot about what kind of person Henry would be in other situations. Henry is a ****.
Edna on the other hand, I had no idea what to think of her. She was kind of just there to have a dialogue with Henry and make him stick out. Well no, that's not entirely true, it's just that she kind of paled in comparison to the more interesting character of Henry.

Also, scratch what I said first, about not having an opinion on the story, I do.
It was a very interesting, and a bit disturbing concept. At first I didn't understand exactly what happened and what the green star in the sky was supposed to be, but after re-reading it, I fully understood and it made a lot more sense.
I've recently read a work by Aldous Huxley (and a friend of his), called Jacob's Hands. It was an unpublished book, probably meant to be a screenplay. As it was written like a screenplay, it was incredibly easy to picture the story. I had the same feeling with your story. It was very vivid, once I figured out what kind of city this was taking place in.

3 Finally, the pace is something I can appreciate. It didn't drag on or rush through things, and I can definitely see why you got the WWYP feather :p.

4 Question: Did you write this up prior to posting it here, or was it just inspiration, write a story, post it here (as well)? It seems like it could be something of a larger bundle of stories, like it had a pre- or sequel.
My guess is not, because it is very obvious that this was intended and you just start the story in medias res.
Oh awesome. thanks for a sizable review :)

1. You know what, that's a really good point. I guess it was one of those things where after I had envisioned the whole thing, I assumed inadvertently that the description of the city was already understood by the reader. That's definitely something I want to avoid, so thanks for that.

2. Yeah Edna was kind of just the reader's vehicle. I thought that if I add more (ultimately inconsequential) info about her that it would bore the reader. I will try to incorporate something that will develop her a little more.

3. Haha, thanks man

4. I actually wrote this a few months ago. I went back to it after forgetting about it for a while, the "freshness" of which I think helped a lot in the editing process. So when I considered it finished I figured this would be as good a place as any to post.
Yeah it's just a snippet. I'm not too down with things like govt. intrigue as a genre and I think it would become that if it were to be developed beyond what's there.


Thanks for all that
 

GoldShadow

Marsilea quadrifolia
BRoomer
Joined
Jun 6, 2003
Messages
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Henry Lechner, for four days and nights, had been sitting in a lawn chair that he had perched on the roof of his and his family's temporary apartment residence peering through a spyglass. His bathing and sleeping habits were lacking and there were dirty paper plates and coffee cups all around him.
I like the imagery, and I can form a convincing picture in my head of this guy who's been sitting on a roof for several days living on coffee and reheated food. However, I think you can do one better by, instead of saying "his bathing and sleeping habits were lacking," show how his bathing and sleeping habits had suffered. I like the dirty paper plates and coffee cups, but it'd be even better if you painted a picture of the whole scene (instead of painting a picture of most of it and filling in the rest with words).

His recent detatchment and their moving to a particularly bad side of town was a sudden source of anxiety.
Detachment from what? Are you referring to emotional detachment or something else?

Henry turned around startled. "Oh, hello Edna."
The action tag says he turned around startled, but I read his statement ("Oh, hello") as very nonchalant for someone who's just been startled. Perhaps something along the lines of "Didn't see you standing there, Edna."

"Hello, Henry." she said lowly. He turned back to his telescope.
I understand that some emotional distance has come between them lately, but "Hello, Edna," "Hello, Henry," still comes across as too stiff for dialogue between a husband and wife.

She didn't really know how to approach the matter. She gazed up as if looking for help, as she does during times of any stress. Edna finds some solace in observing the stars in the night sky. She doesn't really know anything about them and so frequently arranges new figures between them. The greenish one straight up caught her eye and its beauty gave her comfort.
Keep your verb tenses straight! You start the piece in past tense, but then switch to present here a number of times, which I've highlighted red. These ought to be in past tense.

"Mary's asleep. Finally." She said, and paused for a few moments. "She wouldn't stop scratching at herself."
A note on grammar: Dialogue followed by a dialogue tag (such as "she said") must end with a comma (unless it ends with a question mark or exclamation point), and the "she" shouldn't be capitalized. So this should be written (corrections in blue):
"Mary's asleep. Finally," she said, and paused for a few moments. "She wouldn't stop scratching at herself."
He said nothing.

She began to rub the left side of her neck. "I've been doing it too, actually. Ever since the surgery," she said, as if to test Henry's empathy.
Must have a dialogue tag after the dialogue here (correction in blue).

"Look, honey," he said conclusively, "everyone in the city went through the same procedure as you, you're not the only one with that chip." This did not help much. Edna crossed her arms in frustration."
Leave out unnecessary words. You don't have to say "in frustration," because I already know from her act of crossing her arms that she is frustrated.



Overall, minor and grammatical issues aside, that was a hell of a story idea. I love how, as a whole, the piece is so concise, and the idea of this draconian security measure that allows the government/security forces/etc to instantly locate and target anyone with this chip in them. I also loved the ending, how Henry was simply amazed and proud and Edna simply fainted. Perfect.

I'm going to echo some of Jim Morrison's comments. I did not get a good feel for the city or the setting. Is it a futuristic city? Run-down? Are there other signs of the government's intrusion into people's lives?

Also,
It was a very interesting, and a bit disturbing concept.
Pretty much sums up my thoughts on the premise.


Another issue I saw was the characterization. I must say, I got a pretty good feel for Henry's character, and I understand this story wasn't intended to be a lengthy character study, but I would have enjoyed it more if we learned more about Henry and Edna's lives as well as the world they're living in. For example, the fact that Henry supported and defended the chips' use (going so far as to allow his own family to receive them) while himself opting out is huuuuge. That's something that could definitely be fleshed out, or at least provide lots of fodder for husband-wife argument. But I also think that it would make more sense if Henry staunchly supported the development and implementation of these chips while refusing to let himself or his family get implanted with them... I can't imagine any situation in which a wife would allow her husband to put this thing in her and in her daughter while he himself didn't put one in himself, at least no situation in which she stays with him and moves to a run-down apartment with him.

But yeah, overall I enjoyed this story and the concept.
 

DerpDaBerp

Smash Champion
Joined
Oct 26, 2008
Messages
2,589
Location
AZ
I REALLY appreciate your feedback. It's pretty hard for me to sit at the "finished" product and pick things out like that so thanks.

concerning the tenses, where she "does during times of stress" and "finds solace", does that tense not properly express a past but habitual action, like an "imperfect" tense
 

GoldShadow

Marsilea quadrifolia
BRoomer
Joined
Jun 6, 2003
Messages
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No, that's not correct. A habit or behavior would still be expressed in past tense. Read any published book and you will find that the tenses remain consistent. You have to think of a story being told in past tense as something that has already happened being retold to the reader, not as a story currently happening. For example, I might say something like "It was a Wednesday. John dug out his flowerpots from the bedroom closet. In times of stress, John often arranged flowers by the window to remind himself of times past when his mother would tend to the garden." I would not say "In times of stress, John often arranges flowers by the window..." Same thing in your story.
 

DerpDaBerp

Smash Champion
Joined
Oct 26, 2008
Messages
2,589
Location
AZ
lol, at first I had a bit of a raised eyebrow, then your example sounded right so yeah, I'll try to kill that habit
 
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