NintendoMan07
Smash Journeyman
Link to original post: [drupal=3139]"Something needs to change."[/drupal]
So my counselor today offered the suggestion once again that I withdraw from a course to ease up the course load, since evidently my depression has thrown me on the wildest loop since the beginning of the semester.
And honestly... it seems as if everyone around me is angry.
My mom wants me to go to class, and is rightfully concerned and mad because I'm not going.
My dad is angry because he doesn't understand what's caused this (and as far as I'm concerned, he never will without being more open to my responses).
My friends are... well, they're not openly angry, but I can't imagine NOT holding some kind of frustration if someone went to me constantly every day with life issues.
And of course, I myself am angry that I don't understand what's going on. I feel like I should, but... I can't just articulate it in words. As close as I can get is "social anxiety" and "social klutz". It's odd to me that as much as I hate writing in general, I feel I can communicate better through writing that I can through speaking.
Since this no doubt is already looking like a blog that goes in the garbage with every other "teen drama" blog (although I'm 21, thus reducing this blog to just a "drama" blog), I figure I'll break this up with some humor.
http://www.smashboards.com/showthread.php?t=222668
It's kinda funny how I found things like that (and no, I didn't name search or whatever). I'm not sure where Maxfire or any of the other UB legends' blogs are, but I'd probably stumble across them again somehow.
The moral of that story is kind of odd for me. The "don't let other people run your life" moral... kind of backfires in my situation, it seems. Since by this point I can't even trust myself with anything, I HAVE to rely on other people to an extent. That'll be apparent when all my midterm grades come up as Fs.
So... something has to change. Depression meds have been brought up, and I'm seeing the doctor this week. I'm going to see a new counselor this Friday. I'm talking with someone from the... undergrad something-or-other about withdrawing from one of my classes (or, if my mind absolutely collapses, withdrawing from my entire course load) this week as well.
Other things that'd be extra awesome if they were to happen:
- My dad actually thinking about what I'm saying when I say it instead of just either dismissing it for what he thinks (really?) or claiming I nitpick everything he says (Because when you say you sent me an email "the other day", I'm supposed to figure out what that is given just that info; especially considering you send me 8-9 every day) or failing to consider that yes, I might actually be an IDIOT.
- If the above fails, well... there's always the flipside: Go into meltdown mode and disregard every single one of his rules for "father and son" conversation just so I can actually get what I want to say out. This might require drastic measures.
- Speaking of me being an idiot... well, I know I can't ditch that completely, but maybe I could at least be LESS of one?
- Me being able to stabilize myself in school regardless of the outcome. To the point where I can at least pass.
- Afterward, me maybe trying to sneak in and out of the Brawl scene again. Being part of a community would actually be kind of great, and heck might even be the end of this mess for good. This assuming I can ever get my love for the game back that the very act of joining SWF stripped from me.
But... the above is far too optimistic at this point. Most of it requires people that have not before met me halfway to actually do so, assuming that I can realize what it takes for me to fulfill MY end of the bargain.
So my counselor today offered the suggestion once again that I withdraw from a course to ease up the course load, since evidently my depression has thrown me on the wildest loop since the beginning of the semester.
And honestly... it seems as if everyone around me is angry.
My mom wants me to go to class, and is rightfully concerned and mad because I'm not going.
My dad is angry because he doesn't understand what's caused this (and as far as I'm concerned, he never will without being more open to my responses).
My friends are... well, they're not openly angry, but I can't imagine NOT holding some kind of frustration if someone went to me constantly every day with life issues.
And of course, I myself am angry that I don't understand what's going on. I feel like I should, but... I can't just articulate it in words. As close as I can get is "social anxiety" and "social klutz". It's odd to me that as much as I hate writing in general, I feel I can communicate better through writing that I can through speaking.
Since this no doubt is already looking like a blog that goes in the garbage with every other "teen drama" blog (although I'm 21, thus reducing this blog to just a "drama" blog), I figure I'll break this up with some humor.
http://www.smashboards.com/showthread.php?t=222668
It's kinda funny how I found things like that (and no, I didn't name search or whatever). I'm not sure where Maxfire or any of the other UB legends' blogs are, but I'd probably stumble across them again somehow.
The moral of that story is kind of odd for me. The "don't let other people run your life" moral... kind of backfires in my situation, it seems. Since by this point I can't even trust myself with anything, I HAVE to rely on other people to an extent. That'll be apparent when all my midterm grades come up as Fs.
So... something has to change. Depression meds have been brought up, and I'm seeing the doctor this week. I'm going to see a new counselor this Friday. I'm talking with someone from the... undergrad something-or-other about withdrawing from one of my classes (or, if my mind absolutely collapses, withdrawing from my entire course load) this week as well.
Other things that'd be extra awesome if they were to happen:
- My dad actually thinking about what I'm saying when I say it instead of just either dismissing it for what he thinks (really?) or claiming I nitpick everything he says (Because when you say you sent me an email "the other day", I'm supposed to figure out what that is given just that info; especially considering you send me 8-9 every day) or failing to consider that yes, I might actually be an IDIOT.
- If the above fails, well... there's always the flipside: Go into meltdown mode and disregard every single one of his rules for "father and son" conversation just so I can actually get what I want to say out. This might require drastic measures.
- Speaking of me being an idiot... well, I know I can't ditch that completely, but maybe I could at least be LESS of one?
- Me being able to stabilize myself in school regardless of the outcome. To the point where I can at least pass.
- Afterward, me maybe trying to sneak in and out of the Brawl scene again. Being part of a community would actually be kind of great, and heck might even be the end of this mess for good. This assuming I can ever get my love for the game back that the very act of joining SWF stripped from me.
But... the above is far too optimistic at this point. Most of it requires people that have not before met me halfway to actually do so, assuming that I can realize what it takes for me to fulfill MY end of the bargain.