"Something needs to change."

[NintendoMan07]

Link to original post: [drupal=3139]"Something needs to change."[/drupal]



So my counselor today offered the suggestion once again that I withdraw from a course to ease up the course load, since evidently my depression has thrown me on the wildest loop since the beginning of the semester.

And honestly... it seems as if everyone around me is angry.

My mom wants me to go to class, and is rightfully concerned and mad because I'm not going.

My dad is angry because he doesn't understand what's caused this (and as far as I'm concerned, he never will without being more open to my responses).

My friends are... well, they're not openly angry, but I can't imagine NOT holding some kind of frustration if someone went to me constantly every day with life issues.

And of course, I myself am angry that I don't understand what's going on. I feel like I should, but... I can't just articulate it in words. As close as I can get is "social anxiety" and "social klutz". It's odd to me that as much as I hate writing in general, I feel I can communicate better through writing that I can through speaking.

Since this no doubt is already looking like a blog that goes in the garbage with every other "teen drama" blog (although I'm 21, thus reducing this blog to just a "drama" blog), I figure I'll break this up with some humor.

http://www.smashboards.com/showthread.php?t=222668

It's kinda funny how I found things like that (and no, I didn't name search or whatever). I'm not sure where Maxfire or any of the other UB legends' blogs are, but I'd probably stumble across them again somehow.

The moral of that story is kind of odd for me. The "don't let other people run your life" moral... kind of backfires in my situation, it seems. Since by this point I can't even trust myself with anything, I HAVE to rely on other people to an extent. That'll be apparent when all my midterm grades come up as Fs.

So... something has to change. Depression meds have been brought up, and I'm seeing the doctor this week. I'm going to see a new counselor this Friday. I'm talking with someone from the... undergrad something-or-other about withdrawing from one of my classes (or, if my mind absolutely collapses, withdrawing from my entire course load) this week as well.

Other things that'd be extra awesome if they were to happen:

- My dad actually thinking about what I'm saying when I say it instead of just either dismissing it for what he thinks (really?) or claiming I nitpick everything he says (Because when you say you sent me an email "the other day", I'm supposed to figure out what that is given just that info; especially considering you send me 8-9 every day) or failing to consider that yes, I might actually be an IDIOT.

- If the above fails, well... there's always the flipside: Go into meltdown mode and disregard every single one of his rules for "father and son" conversation just so I can actually get what I want to say out. This might require drastic measures.

- Speaking of me being an idiot... well, I know I can't ditch that completely, but maybe I could at least be LESS of one?

- Me being able to stabilize myself in school regardless of the outcome. To the point where I can at least pass.

- Afterward, me maybe trying to sneak in and out of the Brawl scene again. Being part of a community would actually be kind of great, and heck might even be the end of this mess for good. This assuming I can ever get my love for the game back that the very act of joining SWF stripped from me.

But... the above is far too optimistic at this point. Most of it requires people that have not before met me halfway to actually do so, assuming that I can realize what it takes for me to fulfill MY end of the bargain.

 

[Kmar]

Why did joining SWF make you lose your love for Brawl?

 

[NintendoMan07]

Quite a combination of things:

1. "Playing to win". Sirlin's basic idea is more or less okay with me: "Do whatever it legally takes to win." I have no issue with chaingrabbing. I have no issue with there being a best character. I have no issue with the idea of being edgehogged. And so on.

But... looking at the bigger picture, I can't agree. I subscribe to having the equal opportunity to improve. But "playing to win" doesn't allow that: you can't play worse players and expect to improve, so you look higher up. If everyone does this, the "worst" player is screwed over before he even gets a chance. It's some what exhibited in reality, to an extent. Online players going "Good players only plz" makes me headdesk. This makes me headdesk. It's basically a pre-emptive "no" to any requests from someone like me to play them.

Granted, no one's told me YET if "playing to win" has its limits. So I assume it's limitless. So why mourn the death of someone? You're playing to win, right? So shouldn't you be celebrating what's technically a "victory"? Some things just don't fit the model, but having not been given anything concrete on the limits of PTW, I can't make any assumptions.

After searching some I did remember I had a blog on this, but were more likely to call TROLL than actually answer anything or combat any misconceptions (maybe one or two people actually tried to address what was going on, and as a result I'm honestly a bit more shaky on my opinion than I was before). If you care to read and necro, it's here.

2. "****". I know some people are going to bite my head off over this, but thanks to the use of the term I can't exactly break the link between sexual assault and losing. So now I'm somewhat reluctant to ask for matches in the first place. Heck, I can't even play with a friend because of this, despite him not even being remotely associated with SWF.

3. Just the general... suffocating nature of the site. Understandably, casual play isn't the focus at all, and so any thread about items gets locked on sight. It's not that I even want to play with items, but just that... well, I personally don't mind playing with them if that's what my opponent wants (I'm assuming non-tournament play when I refer to me playing... I honestly don't see myself showing up at a tournament.)

4. "You go to tournaments to get good." So I can't play matches with people unless I go to a tournament? Again, that kinda breaks my equal opportunity to improve there. That seems to leave Wi-fi, but when everyone only wants to play the "good" players... well, that narrows my options down pretty quickly.

inb4trollpics.

Seriously, though I've gotta be wrong on most if not all these points, so I'm hoping to be told why (in a somewhat productive fashion: yes, I know that "I'm an idiot", but what have you accomplished again?). For what it's worth though... I have no idea what to think about anything now, so all that's coming out here is just stuff that's on the top of my head.

 

[#HBC | Acrostic]

How are you actually doing in your classes?

If you're not doing as good as you should be doing, then you may want to drop certain courses. But you also have to weigh this in with graduating on time. Is it worth it to stay at your University another year just because you can't handle the current course load?

If you are failing courses then this should be an indicator to rethink your major and your goals in life. If you are about to graduate, then the only thing left is to power through and finish your degree. It's not worth it to invest another three years in order to change to a different study. If you're still early on in your education then I would suggest finding something that you enjoy studying so that you are not tempted to blow off time with videogames. Even if you finish with a respected degree in engineering or the sciences, the degree doesn't do much for you if you end up hating the sciences and engineering because your job prospects would be in those respective fields.

In order to deal with emotions I usually try to get six hours of sleep (if lucky) and do a lot of cardio (sprinting, running, stamina drills). Pretty much sleep and cardio clear up a lot of my emotional problems. I wouldn't turn so quickly to anti-psychotics like SSRIs and other anti-depressants. When medication was swapped for sugar pills (placebo) 50% of the patients never noticed according to Valenstein. College is tough and stressful. But you are most probably not insane. Probably.

 

[Kmar]

First of all, you're not an idiot. The fact that you're in a bad situation doesn't make you one.

I think you should follow what Acrostic said about your major and your goals. You should try your best to find something interesting enough to keep you going until graduation.

I personally don't like how high school kids immediately go off to college before they've gotten any sense of the real world... it doesn't give them any perspective. So while you shouldn't give up on school, you can always consider taking an indefinite break from college. You can always reapply as long as you or your parents are capable and willing to pay for it. This will allow you to take a breath and relax... because it seems like you're feeling cornered and trapped.

See where this takes you. Get a job and get a feel for work. Maybe you'll get a better perspective on the benefits of college, or maybe you won't. Hey, school isn't for everyone.

Also, many colleges allow for students to take a quarter off. You should ask about this option if you think that a quarter off is enough time for you to recalibrate.

As for your comments about Brawl, I think they just reveal your feelings of defeat and frustration. I agree that many people here on SWF are elitist and closed-minded, but those are the people that you don't have to associate with. About the word "****," I think that you have to remember that usually people say this with no intention to relate what's going on to sexual assault. And sometimes people are just @ssholes when it comes to competition. One guy I know is this way, and no one will play with him.

Also for Brawl, consider meeting more people. I joined the student Smash club here on campus, and a lot of them are great people. It's also given me a great outlet to break up my mundane math homework.

And like Acrostic said, consider physical activity. While it doesn't really do much for me unless I do it with friends, it works for a lot of people.