Secrets of life (a pretty long poem)

[Mr.Talk]

Secrets of life

Everything is hidden from your mind.
Just sitting there… waiting ,waiting for you to find.

“But there’s so many things”, you’ll say
Things you’ll probably forget and let drift at bay.

Their importance seems unknown to the mind.
But as soon as life moves on, they begin to shine.

This world is filled with limits that were ment to break.
Facing your fears and reaching your fate.

Haha, that was a funny thing I said.
Because it seems that no one reaches their fate until their dead.

The love of your life is standing write there.
But your so afraid of how life will be with them that you’ll just stare.

Soon that love will drift away.
Leaving answers to your heart set to drift at bay

The light fades and now it’s night.
But your eyes shining in the moonlight seem quite bright.

You want to know so many things and you begin cry
People come from all over trying to ask why

Questions… questions that are answered with lies.
People blindlessly chase chase after them like there first prize

“This world is full of lies” you’ll say when your mind begins to bend.
Can we find the truth? Can we comprehend?

“Yes” you say. But were you right?
As soon as someone questions you, you’ll be filled with fright.

People question answers, and answers are filling those questions.
But are they the truth? Oh, this is giving me indigestion.

Sex… hmm, that’s the power of lust.
Some people have it to gain another’s trust.

People have it to gain popularity
Hah, I laugh at your hilarity

Your having it right now, How good it must feel.
But you can’t see what your act really conceals.

You told your friend and ask if they had sex.
You laugh when they say “No” but they laugh back and you’ll be vexed.

Questions, all of them have been hiding somewhere.
You keep looking but not finding. Boy, aren’t we a pair.

Your asking right now “Is this poem gonna end”
But this poem follows the mind, it’s a popular trend

A mysterious adventure a mysterious place.
I cannot give up I must make haste.

To be wise, does it have to come with age?
I feel like I’m showing my intelligence all on stage.

****! I’m running out of ink.
I must find a new pen, I must continue to think.

For you see these are my thoughts on life.
These thoughts will be shown to the ones that I like.

This poem may be truth or a lie
But it will only end when I die

To be continued...

Part 2

Ah another pen, It's in red
What should we do next? Where should we tread

My mind?hmm... Go ahead, I'm not your boss
I'll tell you my dreams, hope you don't get lost

If you expect to learn don't expect me to teach
Because in my dreams I have no hearing or speech

You must see through desecption, You must find the truth
You will need your own sources, You must have your own proof

Here's one dream, do you see the notion?
I'm that boy over there, the one without emotion.

He standing in the darkness with his locker close
A girl appears, she smiles and gives a pose

She hugs hime, gives a kiss and a push
He begins to drift, never falling on his tush

The girl then gives a wave and she joyfully walks away
The darkness seems to have left and kids began to appear and to thier lockers they stay

The crowd looks and talks while he continues to drift
He suddenly shows sadness and then gravity begins to shift

He's falling, falling into a never ending void
His heart weakening, his mind being toyed

Oh now I begin to see the ground
This deepens the sadness. I wonder what would be the sound?

His hairs begin to stand on end with each and every strand
The fear. The fright. He's getting closer and closer and.....

Well that's it. That's how the dream ends
Thoughts on action my mind seems to send

Are you done with your views? Are you done with the session?
Did you find the true meaning? Did you learn the lesson?

If you did then I applaud
If you didn't then are you a fraud?

Question your thoughts. Answer those questions
Oh... don't mind me, it's just a suggestion

Oh, by the way my name is confusing words
Morning is about to come, just look at the birds

I have to go for now but you got this far... not bad for a rookie
I need to give you a prize... Here have a cookie

Bye Bye
to be continued....

 

[Luigitoilet]

say friend. how old are you? i'm curious

 

[Mr.Talk]

I'm fifteen years old

 

[Luigitoilet]

the concept of the poem is pretty cool. however, the execution, i must say, is pretty lame. you used an internet acronym seriously for christs sake.

 

[Mr.Talk]

I kind of like the lol acronym even though that could be easily changed with a HAHA or other types of laughter. I might enter this in a contest so I'll see if I can change that.

what was wrong with the internet acronym anyway?

 

[Eor]

I admit, I know nothing about poems. But, a poem is more then rhymes. LT could probably tell you more, but they usually have repetition of sounds, and such. The lines should flow more before they get to the rhyme.

The internet acronym makes you just look dumb. Poetry is usually more formal. LOL could be used in a poem if it the slang was repeated in other words or had a type of meaning, but at the moment it just serves as a stopping point. I had to stop reading at that moment, though I did then skim the rest of it. It's awkward.

Everything is hidden from yo' mind.
Just sitting there… waiting ,waiting for you to find.

“But there’s a *****load of things”, you’ll say
Things you’ll probably forget and let drift at bay.

You see? That just sounds dumb. True, I overdid it just for the purpose of making it look stupid, but it's not too far from what your LOL does.

 

[demoncaterpie]

They're right Mr. Talk. If you're gonna start the poem with formal language, then you have to finish it with formal language. Random slang just makes you seem dumb.

The last thing you want is to look dumb in a poem.

 

[Mr.Talk]

changed now it's better

 

[demoncaterpie]

It's still really corny.

My suggestion is that you work on making a shorter poem perfect before you move onto these really long poems. Trust me, you'll like the outcome a lot better.

 

[Mr.Talk]

I don't think I will ever shoeten my poems. My poems puts out my thoughts and my thoughts has driven the poem to a long state. Although I respect your opinion I don't think I will follow what you say bacause a lot of my friends + teachers said the poem was real original and spoken like an adult with a teen touch. It's already gonna be in a magazine so I'm quite proud of my poem thank you very much.

 

[demoncaterpie]

Hey, it's just my opinion. If you like the way you write, then who cares what I think?

What magazine is it going to be in?

 

[Mr.Talk]

Hey, it's just my opinion. If you like the way you write, then who cares what I think?

What magazine is it going to be in?

It's some local magazine that one of my teachers are in. Since it's gonna be in there I don't have to worry about my poem getting stolen

I'm sorry if I went a little to far on my last comment. I just feel that short poems aren't enough for me to express everything that I want to express. I've made more poems in continuation on the one posted above(planning on making a book one day, the only goal I have right now) to express even more thoughts in a series of different situations. I just pretty much try to get points across about the the world while in the form of rhyming many different words.

I hope you understand

 

[valtiel]

i liked you your poem but those jokes at the end killed it, but still i thought it was pretty good poem.

 

[demoncaterpie]

It's some local magazine that one of my teachers are in. Since it's gonna be in there I don't have to worry about my poem getting stolen

I'm sorry if I went a little to far on my last comment. I just feel that short poems aren't enough for me to express everything that I want to express. I've made more poems in continuation on the one posted above(planning on making a book one day, the only goal I have right now) to express even more thoughts in a series of different situations. I just pretty much try to get points across about the the world while in the form of rhyming many different words.

I hope you understand

Hey man, good on you. I hope to see your book one day!

 

[Luigitoilet]

i think the problem with your poem, though you might not see it as such, is that it has no grace. no subtlety, no beauty. hardly anything to really ponder. however, what i said before still goes. i like the concept. keep the poem in your mind, and if you keep on writing and improving, maybe edit it however long down the road.

 

[Mr.Talk]

well I'll consider it in the long run. Only time will tell what I might do in the future

 

[demoncaterpie]

i think the problem with your poem, though you might not see it as such, is that it has no grace. no subtlety, no beauty. hardly anything to really ponder. however, what i said before still goes. i like the concept. keep the poem in your mind, and if you keep on writing and improving, maybe edit it however long down the road.

It's true. Even though you don't want to change your poetry-writing techniques, keep Luigitoilet's words in mind.

 

[Mr.Talk]

I put up another part to my poem so I hope you like that one better

 

[demoncaterpie]

It still doesn't have any rhythm. Your lines and syllables don't even try to match. This will lead the reader to confusing stopping points, and they'll slowly lose interest. Flow is very important in a poem.

It seems you were reaching with your rhymes as well. Don't try to force them, let them come naturally.

I like the connection between the dreams at the beginning being like lessons, and at the end the lesson was taught. That was really clever.

You have talent, no question about that, you just need to practice. Keep writing poems, listen and take in the critiques you think will help you, and you'll get better in no time!

 

[Mr.Talk]

could you elaborate on the reaching part. I don't get much of it.

I'll take yours and LG's words in mind in my fifth poem I have two more parts to this one has a few profain words in it though

 

[demoncaterpie]

She hugs hime, gives a kiss and a push
He begins to drift, never falling on his tush

If you did then I applaud
If you didn't then are you a fraud?

These in particular bothered me. The rhymes just didn't seem natural. It almost makes the poem funny, when I know it's not supposed to be.

 

[Mr.Talk]

My writing does that to a lot of people and my mom. It says it gives them wierd feelings and makes them think about stuff. My brother said I was possesed because he is not use to me writing that kind of way.

They said it's like someone else did it not me. Those rhymes are somewhat light hearted reasoning to some unexpected questions really. Can't go to deep into it because I like my readers to think about it

 

[demoncaterpie]

My writing does that to a lot of people and my mom. It says it gives them wierd feelings and makes them think about stuff. My brother said I was possesed because he is not use to me writing that kind of way.

They said it's like someone else did it not me. Those rhymes are somewhat light hearted reasoning to some unexpected questions really. Can't go to deep into it because I like my readers to think about it

Unfortunately, that's not the effect these lines give.

They're just so...corny and lazy. It just seems like you didn't try on the rhyme scheme. I know you probably thought hard about them, but that's just not what it seems like.

Also, there isn't a whole lot to think about in your poetry. The messages is pretty clear. There is no subtility. Without subtility, it's just bad music lyrics.

Sorry if I sound mean. It's just that I know you can do better then this. Keep at it, and I know you'll get better.

 

[Akebo]

Actually, DC, you are a nice critiquer. Leave the wreckaging for me.

Okay, a few points to cover up on:

No emotional flow. It was confusing. I saw no flow whatsoever. It just looked like a bunch of lines sprawled together because you felt like it, not because they had any particular meanings whatsoever.

Rhymes were forced. You rhyme in places where it was weird. Maybe you can't find the specific rhyme you are looking for. Trying some rhyming sites such as Rhyme-Zone or Rhymer.com. I agree with DC; It was rather comicall the way you place the rhymes. I just hope you know that not all poems have to rhyme. In fact, I barely write in my poetry.

If you want people to think about your poem, then don't be brash with the message. I can see it there, plain as day. Poetry is all about word tricks and multiple meanings. Say something that makes them think of a few possiblities. An example:

"I walk through my heart's black gates
Dragged through a dark world that everyone hates.
And the stone pillars rise before me
The epitaphs of the fallen are all I can see."

I realize the flow deflected in there; I'm not used to rhyming. I didn't state what I really meant. I could be walking thourhg actual black gates, or talking about an experience in my own soul. It takes some practice.

 

[tmw_redcell]

The word you're all looking for is doggerel.

 

[Mr.Talk]

Actually, DC, you are a nice critiquer. Leave the wreckaging for me.

Okay, a few points to cover up on:

No emotional flow. It was confusing. I saw no flow whatsoever. It just looked like a bunch of lines sprawled together because you felt like it, not because they had any particular meanings whatsoever.

Rhymes were forced. You rhyme in places where it was weird. Maybe you can't find the specific rhyme you are looking for. Trying some rhyming sites such as Rhyme-Zone or Rhymer.com. I agree with DC; It was rather comicall the way you place the rhymes. I just hope you know that not all poems have to rhyme. In fact, I barely write in my poetry.

If you want people to think about your poem, then don't be brash with the message. I can see it there, plain as day. Poetry is all about word tricks and multiple meanings. Say something that makes them think of a few possiblities. An example:
"I walk through my heart's black gates
Dragged through a dark world that everyone hates.
And the stone pillars rise before me
The epitaphs of the fallen are all I can see."

I realize the flow deflected in there; I'm not used to rhyming. I didn't state what I really meant. I could be walking thourhg actual black gates, or talking about an experience in my own soul. It takes some practice.

um dude you gotta slow down ok.

1. I always write when I feel like writing. If something I'm thinking about at the moment is something I want to write about, I write it ok. My stuff relates to me personally (I actually had that dream if you didn't know that and some of the stuff I write is what I feel and my friends can relate when they think about their lives and not mine) though my poems tells what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling, you shouldn't read so far into them that yourstaring at my life and not thinking about yours. All and all it's opinion and I think yours is a little critical even

2. Rhyming is what I do, nothing is gonna change that. Rhymeing comes very easily to me actually and no I don't try to get rhyming help from some other site because then it wouldn't feel like me again. I always like doing things independently. Why don't you try to think up the number of rhymes for 6 poems the same length as the ones at the top of this thread.

3. Stop making your assumption seem so truthful. I know your stating your opinion and all but when I read it it seems like you think my poems are complete trash. Whether you think that or not does not put out the fact that there may be others that think differently than you. You may not believe it but you guys are in the minority of people who don't like my poems, compared to my highschool, family, and a few other websites that really enjoy reading them, I don't see why I need to change much.

I know my poems might have a few flaws in them (most poems do anyway) but I simply do not believe most of your critical review .

4. The paragraph in bold is what really got me a little angry (no offense). Really did you even think about one word I said in my poems? Many others have, especially the last piece in my first poem

"This poem may be truth or a lie
but it will only end when I die"

that part right there is what got my friends and family thinking and they reread the poem and thought about it. Though you may not have taken it the same way the thinking part is there. My poems are not all about tricky wordplay, they do have meaning try rereading them and think about the words instead of criticizing them and maybe you'll get something.

I think I'm done

 

[Akebo]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to attack you like that. I am very hypercritical; I even do to myself. More so, actually. Those were just my opinions. Another person could find nothing wrong with the poem. I just go for more old 19th century poetry and you are just a different flavor.