Rate the above user's poem!

[technomancer]

lol deleted?

 

[demoncaterpie]

Demon, your poem is all stream-of-thoughty and random, and um... rather pointless. :/

It was a response to Zook's deleted poem. Now that it's gone, it's just wasted space (I'll fix that right now).

 

[Zook]

It was a response to Zook's deleted poem. Now that it's gone, it's just wasted space (I'll fix that right now).

Sorry about that. It seems someone has hacked my account and 'deleted' a few of my posts. Nothing major.

 

[twally]

Sounds

edit: sorry but i am taking some of my stuff off.

 

[demoncaterpie]

I've always liked your poems twally, and this one is no different.

It's so simple, but it sounds so good. Keep it up.

 

[twally]

I've always liked your poems twally, and this one is no different.

It's so simple, but it sounds so good. Keep it up.

thanks for the encouragement, demoncaterpie! it's nice to have a fan

 

[twally]

ediT: sorry guys

 

[demoncaterpie]

I don't know what to say. It's simple, but it just sounds cool, like something Morgan Freeman would say in a movie.

My only suggestion would be to maybe condense it. A few of the things you said, while good, was somewhat repetitive. There is nothing wrong with repetition and parallelism, but I think that with each duplicate of an idea you write, you should sneak a new idea into that same sentence.

That may just be nit-picky of me, but those are just my suggestions. Besides, the poem's sweet as it is.

 

[twally]

edit:sorry

 

[EEvisu]

good word choice and not bad struture, 8.5/10

So yeah woah its been awhile since I posted here, wrote this for my cuz lol she is so lazy

You need to understand me,
I don't need you in my life.
I never wanted your touch,
your kiss when i'm lonely at night.
don't want you to come,
nor want you to talk.

No, your words are fake.
They rain on me on me
as if i were the surface of a lake,
changing the world for me,
shaking up the calmness in myself.

But why do I love it when you're around me?
You've taken my freedom
like a fish that has been caught.
Even though I know I'm dieing
obedient I shaff forever be to you.

 

[demoncaterpie]

I like the motif of water in your poem, and how that connects to you describing yourself as a fish in the end. I would say next time use a better word choice, because some of the stuff you said didn't really sound all that poetic (I'm so picky ).

I would comment more, but your awesome signature keeps distracting me (is there anyone Clint Eastwood couldn't kill? Signs point to no.)

 

[twally]

ok guys. this poem is very important seeing as how i plan on making it a gift for someone. PLEASE say exactly what you think. i can't help but feel like it is a bit too jagged at some parts. ANY criticism is welcome! thanks...
--twally

 

[twally]

i like the way you put the face thing at the end instead of the beginning

 

[twally]

i like the way you put the face thing at the end instead of the beginning

...
how the heck did someone make a comment with my name? mo is that you?

 

[you are a butt]

The imagery in this poem was nicely done. However, you did use some cliche words like beauty, shooting stars, and starry night skies. I like the night theme to it, but there are other words that you can use. In my opinion you could have added a small amount of rhyme going on, but hey that's just how I like my poetry. But overall I thought that it was a very good poem.

Only in our life can we try,
only in our life can we fly to the clouds and evade all enshrouding of truth.
Fly high, go touch the sky, keep going.
Touch Mars, the stars, the nebulas and let the mind keep flowing.
Drink from the heaven river and keep growing.
Expand, flood and tribulate into further and infinite knowing.
Remember, the river will reflect your skies, but the liver will reflect his own status on high.
Sure, many an infinite sky, but also a worldly wide width water,
from which fore fathers have lived and withered upon,
from which roots have first fed upon,
from which sky lives have walked and put seeds upon.
Stay balanced and on the ground but let the dreams flow further than sky high.
Stay down to earth but let your spirit rise up to the heavens, as you watch it fly by

 

[twally]

well first off i just want to extend a warm welcome from everyone here in the CM forum. i may not be the most experienced person around here but i am sure i speak for everyone when i say welcome to the gang!

now as for you poem. i liked your rhyming patterns the most. it really helped the poem flow kind of like the theme of your dreams flying and stuff. that's just how i saw it though. the only part i got snagged on was where you repeated "upon" 3 times. it wasn't a huge slow down or anything so keeping it how it is just fine as long as you like it.

nicely done...

now this is mymost recent poem. it is kind of supposed to go along with visage of the heavens... but only a teeny tiny bit because it is about two completely different people. so here we go!

 

[Zook]

Twally, your poems are good, but you over use too many words.

____

Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each of them had a quarter
Jill came down with fifty cents
Let's just say they weren't getting water.

 

[twally]

well i wrote this under the got quotes thread (check it out if you haven't already!!!) but it is so cool, i thought i should put it here too.

haikus are easy,
but sometimes they don't make sense.
refrigerator.​

genius...pure GENIUS!!!

 

[Zook]

All haiku follow
Quite a strict writing format
But not this one

 

[chronofreak]

Haha, nice, a haiku explaining its own flaw. Clever.

Okay, here's a poem I had to write for my English class. It's a parody of Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken".


The Sample Not Eaten

Two samples were offered at Wal-Mart,
And sorry I could not savor both
And be one customer, by my cart
I stood and hungrily eyed a tart
That promised me a delicious oath;

Then took the cheese, which was just as good,
And probably was the better choice,
Because no one else ate it while I stood;
Since the other passersby could
Have eaten either, I did rejoice.

And both that evening equally lay
On platters no one else had touched.
If only I had sampled both that day!
I could take only one anyway,
And it was the cheese, not the tart, I clutched.

I will be telling this with remorse
When the time passed by is ample:
Two free snacks from a sufficient source—
I had taken the cheese, of course,
But now I miss that other sample.

 

[technomancer]

Haha, nice, a haiku explaining its own flaw. Clever.

Okay, here's a poem I had to write for my English class. It's a parody of Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken".


The Sample Not Eaten

Two samples were offered at Wal-Mart,
And sorry I could not savor both
And be one customer, by my cart
I stood and hungrily eyed a tart
That promised me a delicious oath;

Then took the cheese, which was just as good,
And probably was the better choice,
Because no one else ate it while I stood;
Since the other passersby could
Have eaten either, I did rejoice.

And both that evening equally lay
On platters no one else had touched.
If only I had sampled both that day!
I could take only one anyway,
And it was the cheese, not the tart, I clutched.

I will be telling this with remorse
When the time passed by is ample:
Two free snacks from a sufficient source—
I had taken the cheese, of course,
But now I miss that other sample.

I loled, good spoof on Frost. Well done sir.

 

[Zook]

This poem I wrote for a certain... Erm... Someone *looks at profile*... I was planning on slipping it into her bag sometime next week. My life sucks.

I know I'm not very good at poetry, but here it is.

I wish I could say
How I truely feel for
You
And yet I haven't
Instead I watch
You
Your long
Brunette
Hair
Your skin
Fair
Beautiful
You dark coppereyes that I so often look upon
The stare rarely returned
Perhaps someday I could be with you
Kristina
I hope
Wish
Want
Foolish, perhaps
But in love

 

[MorbTheLuigi]

I like it. Simple, full of that emotion everyone has felt at least one. I know where you're comming from man. Well I got a couple of poems I've written but Id like to take one out of my head right now so.. here it goes

Before you leave me
let me see your face once more
I never want to forget you
If I'm not what you love and adore
I understand that your feelings are new
The feelings that made you forget
But I can tell you
As I hold my broken heart in hand
I'll love you with every piece
Of this broken, no, shattered heart
But I thank you for the times we had
Long gone but seeming like yesterday
That kiss, that touch, that smell
Now I'm here hoping you're feeling well
As I'm feeling 6 feet under and sinking
Needing someone like you to pick me back up
But no one's there
No one at all
Sinking deepere and deeper
But I have to be strong
I can get through all this
I know I can live without you
As strong as this pain is, I'll overcome
You never appreciated what you had
And I might have made my couple of mistakes
But you hurt me too much
This pain is too hard
I'll crawl out of this hole
And make myself whole
Because I know that if you can forget how to love me
I'll forget how to miss you
Don't show yourself to me anymore
You don't interest me at all

 

[technomancer]

You come seeking honest critique or simple praise, Morb?

That poem is pretty bad. I understand that this sort of thing has an extensive meaning to the writer, and is quite helpful in getting over a lost loved one and that sort of thing, and I have a few of these kicking around on my hard drive somewhere.

Gentlemen, please, save us your efforts.

The rhyme scheme in this poem is random, distracting, and in several cases forced. It's arhythmic, essentially a series of statements broken onto lines, meant for the one that is breaking the heart. It attempts to be profound and deeply moving to it's intended audience, which is a nice touch, but since the intended audience isn't me, it comes of as really cheesy.

Sinatra does not sing your songs; you must include your own rhythm using punctuation and metrical choices.

Also, show, and don't tell. I'd much rather hear a story about why love is cruel than have you just stand there and tell me how sad you feel.

 

[twally]

sorry about this guys

 

[Dr_Twist]

twally i love your poems excpecially that one so much emotion
well heres my first poem ever

you fly and fly with the wind in your hair
but its just not fair
that you fly so high in the air
but you still cant reach you grandma and grandpa that you hold so dear
all becuase you have one fear
that the sun will burn you up once you get near

2nd verse

although while you fly so high
in the moonlit sky
when you wish you were like every other guy
you find yourself so sad that you want to fall to the ground
while you wish you could make a trip to heaven and then come back around
you wish you could touch the sun
while you feel yourself weighing a ton
you wish you could just have some fun
so dont be sad about your grandparents
just be happy you still have your parents.

 

[twally]

first poem ever? not bad or at least it was a LOT better than my first i'm sure. you a least have some concept of rhyme and rhythm. your theme was pretty clear so no beef there. nice one too. i remember my first poem was about a death too.

since you're just starting, my best advice to you would be to develop your own style from now!!!! this is your chance. change sentence structures, vary rhyming patterns, and always keep true to what you are trying to say. i don't mean to be cliche when i say that, but seriously make sure that what you are trying to say is actually being said or inferred somewhere.

keep writing man. i would like to see more stuff come out of you to see how your style progresses!

 

[Dr_Twist]

thx got one in progress
EDIT: New Poem
Meadows are such wonderful sights
When you go there you feel yourself Going to new heights
But your stuck in a wasteland
Hoping that you could always feel grand
Wishing
Hoping
That your not a failure in life
Even if your stuck
You still have a chance to be the best you can
So dont be sitting in front of your fan
And wondering if you can make it
Just get up, and go for it

How ya like???

 

[twally]

hey twist

ok so let's actually take a look at this one.

first off start using some punctuation. periods, commas, etc. now it is ok to end a sentence without punctuation (i do it all the time) but you have to kind of know when to use it. once you start using punctuation your poetry is going to stand out in a whole new light.

again, i understood your theme and i knew exactly what you were trying to say the entire time. change that up a bit. one of the hardest thing for a poet to do is to communicate their theme to the reader. sometimes it is more effective if the reader figures out the theme on their own. use metaphors, similies, everything!

sorry but i got to run now!

 

[Dr_Twist]

kk thx for critique

 

[Zook]

I'm getting sick of all this seriousness and depressing poems. This thread needs some good, Proom-style humor.

Jimmy on the railroad track
Didn't hear the engine squeal.
Now the train is coming back
Scraping Jimmy off the wheel.
___

Help!
Jimmy playing in zoo
Fell in a pen
Didn't know what to do.
Help!
Someone please help Jimmy soon.
And besides,
The tiger's feeding isn't 'till noon.

 

[twally]

well that was...nice? hah, i liked those two shorts, man!