flaco
The Terminator
omg mine is yoo short anyway good going both of you 9 out of 10 good poems indeed
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Rate the above user's poem!
- Thread starter Xegony
- Start date
twally
Smash Apprentice
techno, i really enjoyed that poem. it was different from everything else i've read so far. very nice. only thing is i think you should...actually, i think it is fine just the way it is. some poems are meant to be left alone! 
simply waiting
technomancer
Smash Champion
- Joined
- May 17, 2006
- Messages
- 2,053
I don't have anything to post right now, but I'll give Flaco a once over because he got skipped.
Looks like a standard AABB rhymer, written in the poetic. Looks like you fell into the rhyme trap; you have some nice lines and rhymes in there, but some of them are a bit stale or forced. For instance, the word "Displayed" fits in more with projectors and has a bland taste to it that eats up the tone of your poem. The -ion rhymes (you used confession three times, which kind of nerfs the cool repitition at the beginning and end), are generally used in place of much stronger active verbs; e.g. "I confess" as opposes to "my confession." Another quick one is "A small hidden truth is this / I fell in love by a gentle kiss" - You gotta work on rewording this kind of sentance so it sounds like it's supposed to. "The truth, whispered by a gentle dove / By a gentle kiss I fell in love." Or something like that.
6/10; a better than average poem with some great lines a few beginner's mistakes.
Looks like a standard AABB rhymer, written in the poetic. Looks like you fell into the rhyme trap; you have some nice lines and rhymes in there, but some of them are a bit stale or forced. For instance, the word "Displayed" fits in more with projectors and has a bland taste to it that eats up the tone of your poem. The -ion rhymes (you used confession three times, which kind of nerfs the cool repitition at the beginning and end), are generally used in place of much stronger active verbs; e.g. "I confess" as opposes to "my confession." Another quick one is "A small hidden truth is this / I fell in love by a gentle kiss" - You gotta work on rewording this kind of sentance so it sounds like it's supposed to. "The truth, whispered by a gentle dove / By a gentle kiss I fell in love." Or something like that.
6/10; a better than average poem with some great lines a few beginner's mistakes.
applejack
Smash Journeyman
wow, this thread really took off after I left......
Okay twally now going to say what I thought.
It has a great flow, some tough spots but usually very easy to say. Sounds kinda like a song too.
"You with your eyes swelled with tears" is kinda long. How about "You, with your teary eyes"?
"And me,With my life, ready to sacrifice" seems kinda jagged. Life and sacrifice don't really seem to fit. don't know how to fix it, but it may not be wrong at all, just to me.
I love those short stanzas. You just say them naturally and they sound right.
Not so sure about "gently healing", maybe gentle healing?
Overall very good. Really liked it, poor guy though.
I'd say somewhere around 8.5/10. Good job.
This isn't so much a poem as a sort of lymerick. I heard it on TV (spongebob) and it has been in my head ever since.
There once was a dragon so handsome and smart
He let me go free, for he had a big heart
Over and over again that song has been on
Over and over again, until sanity is gone.
Okay twally now going to say what I thought.
It has a great flow, some tough spots but usually very easy to say. Sounds kinda like a song too.
"You with your eyes swelled with tears" is kinda long. How about "You, with your teary eyes"?
"And me,With my life, ready to sacrifice" seems kinda jagged. Life and sacrifice don't really seem to fit. don't know how to fix it, but it may not be wrong at all, just to me.
I love those short stanzas. You just say them naturally and they sound right.
Not so sure about "gently healing", maybe gentle healing?
Overall very good. Really liked it, poor guy though.
I'd say somewhere around 8.5/10. Good job.
This isn't so much a poem as a sort of lymerick. I heard it on TV (spongebob) and it has been in my head ever since.
There once was a dragon so handsome and smart
He let me go free, for he had a big heart
Over and over again that song has been on
Over and over again, until sanity is gone.
EEvisu
Smash Lord
- Joined
- Sep 18, 2006
- Messages
- 1,898
^ no comment...
sadly my skills for writing poetry have fallen but heres something...
4 corners:
1
Transitions, life changes,
Instances of subtraction,
Addition is absent.,
God's mal-practice,
Chances.
My lifes balance.
Tip the scales toward malice.
Anger, hatred, follows me pacin.
The placement, my hearts stuck inside a basement.
2
Sentancing complete,
Defeat.
My minds eye is obsolete.
Mistreatment prevails, hail,
Black vails and faceless tales.
3
Entertainment relates,
Negates efects of hate,
Societys propriety,
Perpetuates debate.
4
Seeping through the seems,
Spilled liquid begins to cream.
Spoil our minds, tained with thorned vines.
Im fine.
Never told a lie.
Never cried.
Always abided by the rules of time.
sadly my skills for writing poetry have fallen but heres something...
4 corners:
1
Transitions, life changes,
Instances of subtraction,
Addition is absent.,
God's mal-practice,
Chances.
My lifes balance.
Tip the scales toward malice.
Anger, hatred, follows me pacin.
The placement, my hearts stuck inside a basement.
2
Sentancing complete,
Defeat.
My minds eye is obsolete.
Mistreatment prevails, hail,
Black vails and faceless tales.
3
Entertainment relates,
Negates efects of hate,
Societys propriety,
Perpetuates debate.
4
Seeping through the seems,
Spilled liquid begins to cream.
Spoil our minds, tained with thorned vines.
Im fine.
Never told a lie.
Never cried.
Always abided by the rules of time.
applejack
Smash Journeyman
Not bad, kinda hard to tell what is going on, but easy to read and pretty good. Some spelling and grammer (mainly ownership things) mistakes though.
Also my last thing was in no way meant to be taken seriously, just a funny one.
Can someone give me a topic to write about? Unless I can have a thing to write about I just get random (often bad) ideas.
Also my last thing was in no way meant to be taken seriously, just a funny one.
Can someone give me a topic to write about? Unless I can have a thing to write about I just get random (often bad) ideas.
technomancer
Smash Champion
- Joined
- May 17, 2006
- Messages
- 2,053
Here's a topic, in the form of a poem:
Roses are Red
Violets are blue
You can't write a word
And not stop to review
Roses are Red
Violets are blue
You can't write a word
And not stop to review
clever heres a poem I wrote like 4 years ago.
I siped with my lips the filled dips I found in dampened ground
And then I began to weep
I felt tears from a twitching eye drip down to dampened ground and die
Had dreams of land not so deep
My head had holes that hurt, poured hope found ground and mixed with dirt
Land gone, I thought I could keep
My hands had soars and dirt, bound ground for only small rocks that hurt
Lands with things my hands can reap.
I gave up good land to come down here to see
That night I begged for dirt and dreams
I gave up god and dug this deep
for land I like so many things
Would god give up those things to me
I claimed with these I that I could sleep
If i went blind and could not see
I claimed come morning I would not weep
yea I was emo but I still kinda like the poem.
I siped with my lips the filled dips I found in dampened ground
And then I began to weep
I felt tears from a twitching eye drip down to dampened ground and die
Had dreams of land not so deep
My head had holes that hurt, poured hope found ground and mixed with dirt
Land gone, I thought I could keep
My hands had soars and dirt, bound ground for only small rocks that hurt
Lands with things my hands can reap.
I gave up good land to come down here to see
That night I begged for dirt and dreams
I gave up god and dug this deep
for land I like so many things
Would god give up those things to me
I claimed with these I that I could sleep
If i went blind and could not see
I claimed come morning I would not weep
yea I was emo but I still kinda like the poem.
twally
Smash Apprentice
hey varuna
it's hard to say why, but i like that poem. i really do. a few lines felt a bit difficult to read though like:
"My hands had soars and dirt, bound ground for only small rocks that hurt"
and
"My head had holes that hurt, poured hope found ground and mixed with dirt"
they were just a bit too long i think, but the poem was still very enjoyable!
nicely written...8.25378966489595/10
it's hard to say why, but i like that poem. i really do. a few lines felt a bit difficult to read though like:
"My hands had soars and dirt, bound ground for only small rocks that hurt"
and
"My head had holes that hurt, poured hope found ground and mixed with dirt"
they were just a bit too long i think, but the poem was still very enjoyable!
nicely written...8.25378966489595/10
K, this isn't for an assignment or anything, I just wanted to see what people thought of it b/c I might enter it into a poetry contest. My teacher told me it would be a good thing to do, once she heard that I wrote. Apparently she thinks little math nerds can't write, or something. Anyway, I'm a senior, just to put it in perspective.
This is my plea to the world,
Please listen to my cry;
The depths of my mind are unfurled,
My head is finally wrung dry.
The ignorance of the masses
Completely blows my mind.
It's their own live they're trashing,
I'll stay with my own kind.
I've been blessed with wisdom
that's far beyond my years.
The only help I'll give them
Is 'throw yourself against the gears.'
Live your own life,
Change the world around you;
So full of grief and strife,
What can a poor boy do?
These machines control your lives,
Stop them at any cost.
Always remember 'Do, don't try'
Or all your hope is lost.
So open your mind to reality
Else this is all you'll be:
A poor soul without freedom,
A casualty of conformity.
I wrote this when I was in 10th grade, and just felt like ranting about society and stuff. After typing it, the only part that really sounds bad (at least from an aesthetic view) is the fourth stanza.
Well there it is. Have a go at it. Let us carve him as a dish fit for the gods, not hew him like a carcass fit for hounds.
Who said that?
(I've posted the same thing in to threads. Maybe I'll get another infraction.)
This is my plea to the world,
Please listen to my cry;
The depths of my mind are unfurled,
My head is finally wrung dry.
The ignorance of the masses
Completely blows my mind.
It's their own live they're trashing,
I'll stay with my own kind.
I've been blessed with wisdom
that's far beyond my years.
The only help I'll give them
Is 'throw yourself against the gears.'
Live your own life,
Change the world around you;
So full of grief and strife,
What can a poor boy do?
These machines control your lives,
Stop them at any cost.
Always remember 'Do, don't try'
Or all your hope is lost.
So open your mind to reality
Else this is all you'll be:
A poor soul without freedom,
A casualty of conformity.
I wrote this when I was in 10th grade, and just felt like ranting about society and stuff. After typing it, the only part that really sounds bad (at least from an aesthetic view) is the fourth stanza.
Well there it is. Have a go at it. Let us carve him as a dish fit for the gods, not hew him like a carcass fit for hounds.
Who said that?
(I've posted the same thing in to threads. Maybe I'll get another infraction.)
twally
Smash Apprentice
i think that was macbeth, but i might be wrong...sorry i didn't have time to read the poem yet.
twally
Smash Apprentice
alright jaej
that wasn't bad. i liked some of the imagery and metaphors that you used. when i first started writing i kind of went through an anti-conformity phase and i wrote a lot of stuff like this. this is just some advice from my perspective. maybe you are different but for me, i found myself burned out because of lack of material. again, maybe you are different. i mean that is totally cool. like i said earlier. i liked this poem and if you like this style more, power too you. i was just wondering if you ran into the same problems as me. anyways, good job man.
8/10
that wasn't bad. i liked some of the imagery and metaphors that you used. when i first started writing i kind of went through an anti-conformity phase and i wrote a lot of stuff like this. this is just some advice from my perspective. maybe you are different but for me, i found myself burned out because of lack of material. again, maybe you are different. i mean that is totally cool. like i said earlier. i liked this poem and if you like this style more, power too you. i was just wondering if you ran into the same problems as me. anyways, good job man.
8/10
I liked it, but the tear down the cheek seemed cliche. But the message was good.
Here is a poem I wrote a long time ago:
I went to the North Pole
To be rid of restrictions
But found a bitter taste in my mouth;
As it had occured to me
That no matter how hard I try,
Now I had to go South.
Here is a poem I wrote a long time ago:
I went to the North Pole
To be rid of restrictions
But found a bitter taste in my mouth;
As it had occured to me
That no matter how hard I try,
Now I had to go South.
Just the palpable realization that there will always be some rules that need to be followed
7ak
Smash Journeyman
Is the South Pole Tennessee?
Here's a poem:
I like chocolate.
It is good.
Chocolate is good.
Eat chocolate you must.
Says Yoda.
Here's a poem:
I like chocolate.
It is good.
Chocolate is good.
Eat chocolate you must.
Says Yoda.
I guess you could say that, though I didn't intentionally do that. It just needed to be a place where you could only go one way after you got there. So it was either North pole or South pole and I just happened to pick North
Wilhelmsan
Smash Lord
What holds us back?
Words?
Wisdom?
The past?
Never truly will one succeed
Gathering dust on the rack.
Words?
Wisdom?
The past?
Never truly will one succeed
Gathering dust on the rack.
mkmelee
Smash Lord
Willhelmsan. Excellent poem. Not too long, but it has a deep moral to it, and flows well, without following some set pattern.
Here's a poem I decided to write. Not too complicated, but deep enough. Tell me what your take on its meaning is.
"Why try to fly?
With melted wings you'll die,
Ocean deep you lie,
Wondering why?",
I sigh, as you walk by.
Also, here's a poem my older brother wrote a year ago, that I thought was great.
Gray Will Stay
Why look “forward to tomorrow”
As if today was not enough?
Billowing dreams and distant hope
Close the lids to what nature’s wrote,
As she yells, “Listen up.
Tears and thorns wisely expect,
Lest with shame a gift reject.”
What good is the good in “good bye”
If not added merely in vain?
Herbs and spices do blind the eye
While sorrows in secret do multiply.
Liars, forget their true name.
Rocks are not jewels of May,
But wistful blooms faint, while gray will stay.
Hope you like it.
Here's a poem I decided to write. Not too complicated, but deep enough. Tell me what your take on its meaning is.
"Why try to fly?
With melted wings you'll die,
Ocean deep you lie,
Wondering why?",
I sigh, as you walk by.
Also, here's a poem my older brother wrote a year ago, that I thought was great.
Gray Will Stay
Why look “forward to tomorrow”
As if today was not enough?
Billowing dreams and distant hope
Close the lids to what nature’s wrote,
As she yells, “Listen up.
Tears and thorns wisely expect,
Lest with shame a gift reject.”
What good is the good in “good bye”
If not added merely in vain?
Herbs and spices do blind the eye
While sorrows in secret do multiply.
Liars, forget their true name.
Rocks are not jewels of May,
But wistful blooms faint, while gray will stay.
Hope you like it.
demoncaterpie
Smash Champion
I like your brother's poem, very clever.
As for yours, I like it. Why try to do the impossible when it will only cause you pain? Great connection with Icarus.
It's really hard to critique poetry. I believe that if a poem comes from the heart, and if a strong, distinct emotion can be obtained from it, then it's a good poem.
Here's a haiku I wrote four year ago. Although I've gotten much better at writing since then, I've always had a soft spot for this poem.
I saw a shadow
In my room, but as I walked
Towards it, it was gone.
As for yours, I like it. Why try to do the impossible when it will only cause you pain? Great connection with Icarus.
It's really hard to critique poetry. I believe that if a poem comes from the heart, and if a strong, distinct emotion can be obtained from it, then it's a good poem.
Here's a haiku I wrote four year ago. Although I've gotten much better at writing since then, I've always had a soft spot for this poem.
I saw a shadow
In my room, but as I walked
Towards it, it was gone.
mkmelee
Smash Lord
To be honest, I was never a big fan of haikus but I I enjoyed yours.
I'm sure alot of the meaning behind it is personal, but it sort of reminds me of a few times, where I was really scared about something in the dark. I just stood watching the object, for minutes, and then as I finally picked up the courage to apporach it, it was really nothing.
Heheh... probably nothing like what you had intended, but I thought that your haiku gave off this really mysterious, but not scary feeling. Almost calm... I guess most haikus do that anyways.
Just a question. I don't write haikus but doesn't the last line have 6 syllables? Or is there like rules so that you can pronounce it and count it as 5?
I didn't have a poem in mind but I have another one of my brother's poems that I enjoyed.
Carpe Diem
When I think about tomorrow,
And today’s routine repeating
For as far as I can see
(Like endless rolling hills,
Which pretend to cease
At the cusp of the horizon),
death hangs nigh.
And inside,
Oh, how my heart rouses at the sight of the finish line.
I'm sure alot of the meaning behind it is personal, but it sort of reminds me of a few times, where I was really scared about something in the dark. I just stood watching the object, for minutes, and then as I finally picked up the courage to apporach it, it was really nothing.
Heheh... probably nothing like what you had intended, but I thought that your haiku gave off this really mysterious, but not scary feeling. Almost calm... I guess most haikus do that anyways.
Just a question. I don't write haikus but doesn't the last line have 6 syllables? Or is there like rules so that you can pronounce it and count it as 5?
I didn't have a poem in mind but I have another one of my brother's poems that I enjoyed.
Carpe Diem
When I think about tomorrow,
And today’s routine repeating
For as far as I can see
(Like endless rolling hills,
Which pretend to cease
At the cusp of the horizon),
death hangs nigh.
And inside,
Oh, how my heart rouses at the sight of the finish line.
demoncaterpie
Smash Champion
I kind of left it up to interpretation, but that's pretty much what I was thinking when I wrote it.
When I was in eight grade, I was really scared of the dark. I believed that behind every shadow of my room was a creature waiting to kill me. When I walked towards these things, they would dissapear, but not for long. I would always see them again the next night.
I always believed towards to be one syllable. Oh well, I was in middle school when I wrote it
.
I really liked your brother's poem. Waiting and hoping for death to break the monotony of life is kind of depressing. But, that's probably what he wanted the reader to fell anyway.
I can't think of a poem. So, if anyone wants to jump in...
When I was in eight grade, I was really scared of the dark. I believed that behind every shadow of my room was a creature waiting to kill me. When I walked towards these things, they would dissapear, but not for long. I would always see them again the next night.
I always believed towards to be one syllable. Oh well, I was in middle school when I wrote it
.I really liked your brother's poem. Waiting and hoping for death to break the monotony of life is kind of depressing. But, that's probably what he wanted the reader to fell anyway.
I can't think of a poem. So, if anyone wants to jump in...
Wilhelmsan
Smash Lord
Your computer is infected
Because you neglected
To let that man dissect it
Spyware has been detected.
Because you neglected
To let that man dissect it
Spyware has been detected.
Wilhelmsan
Smash Lord
Both heroes fall,
The room holds its breath
Who is the victor?
This game's winner is:
Sudden death!
The room holds its breath
Who is the victor?
This game's winner is:
Sudden death!
applejack
Smash Journeyman
made me laugh ^^
I thought haikus were 5 7 5.
A new dawn coming
Next generation so close
Can't wait for the Wii
I thought haikus were 5 7 5.
A new dawn coming
Next generation so close
Can't wait for the Wii
Ok. It would have sounded better if you could have made them structurally correct, but that is neither here nor there.
As a small child
I learned lessons the hard way.
Our cat once had kittens
That slept under my bed.
My father told me
to watch over them.
Every night I would go
And check on the poor creatures
Who still walked around
Like a bottle of gin.
But one night I forgot
And went off to slumber
And awoke to find one
Stone cold and dead.
I picked up the poor thing
And cried all alone.
I did not know what to do.
And at that small hour
I knocked on
My fathers door
To which he answered
Completely nude.
Why must I learn things the hard way?
As a small child
I learned lessons the hard way.
Our cat once had kittens
That slept under my bed.
My father told me
to watch over them.
Every night I would go
And check on the poor creatures
Who still walked around
Like a bottle of gin.
But one night I forgot
And went off to slumber
And awoke to find one
Stone cold and dead.
I picked up the poor thing
And cried all alone.
I did not know what to do.
And at that small hour
I knocked on
My fathers door
To which he answered
Completely nude.
Why must I learn things the hard way?
Wilhelmsan
Smash Lord
^Teriffic!
Work on meter, stress, etc.
Work on meter, stress, etc.
Zook
Perpetual Lazy Bum
Jimmy found his father's gun
Thought that he would have some fun
Pulled the trigger with all his might
Jimmy's funeral is tommorrow night.
-
Jimmy with a lust for gore
Staked his sister onto the door
Said his mommy, humor quaint,
"Jimmy, dear, don't scratch the paint."
Thought that he would have some fun
Pulled the trigger with all his might
Jimmy's funeral is tommorrow night.
-
Jimmy with a lust for gore
Staked his sister onto the door
Said his mommy, humor quaint,
"Jimmy, dear, don't scratch the paint."
Wilhelmsan
Smash Lord
^Disturbing, I'd say almost funny. Still pretty good in their syntax, rhyming, etc.
Zook
Perpetual Lazy Bum
Jimmy found some dynamite
Didn't understand it quite
Curiosity never pays
It rained Jimmy 7 days.
Didn't understand it quite
Curiosity never pays
It rained Jimmy 7 days.
applejack
Smash Journeyman
Do you have a grudge against Jimmy?
It flows easily and is pretty funny. Nice. If they weren't so violent they could be in a child's book, it is a compliment. They are fun and quick.
Okay, looked it up. The dictionary says haikus have 17 syllables. 5+5+7= 17.
It flows easily and is pretty funny. Nice. If they weren't so violent they could be in a child's book, it is a compliment. They are fun and quick.
Okay, looked it up. The dictionary says haikus have 17 syllables. 5+5+7= 17.
Wilhelmsan
Smash Lord
5+7+5
It has rained all day
Nobody here wants to play
Time for the forums
It has rained all day
Nobody here wants to play
Time for the forums
applejack
Smash Journeyman
I meant that.
Getting pain in throat
Must be strong, must not get sick
Cannot miss Wii launch
Getting pain in throat
Must be strong, must not get sick
Cannot miss Wii launch
Zook
Perpetual Lazy Bum
This would make a good poem...applejack said:
Do you have a grudge against
Jimmy?
It flows
easily and is pretty
funny. Nice. If they weren't so violent
they could be in a child's book,
it is a compliment.
They
are fun
and
quick.
Okay, looked it up.
The dictionary says
haikus
have 17 syllables.
5+5+7
=
17.
applejack
Smash Journeyman
......OK....
a style all it's own. Interesting.....
If that gets published and makes you a lot of money I would like a share. lol.
a style all it's own. Interesting.....
If that gets published and makes you a lot of money I would like a share. lol.
Zook
Perpetual Lazy Bum
This message has been deleted
demoncaterpie
Smash Champion
This response to Zook's message has been deleted