My poem using only words beginning with "S"

[Pikaville]

My poem is called "Sleep"

Sleep slides sudden,slower.
Sided solemly,swallows shudder.
Sang songs saying "suspicious sound"
Shifting sharks?Startled swans?

Slick,silent,stealthy,swift
Stumbled sampling satans sword

Standing silloette,sitting shaking something.
Sesmic seisure,sickly sharp.

Soilders saving same survivors.
Staking secrets spies stole.
Sentry sniper "seargent sighted"
Shotgun shoots,slowly smoking.

Seaside shack,swaying sea.
Sunshone sands,scorched,smouldering.

"Seventeen stitches sons skull split"
"Stay still"............... "Sam sit!"

It basically about falling asleep straight into random dreams(which happens to me alot) but I was really proud of this when I wrote it.It was nearly 4-5 years ago now.

Feel free to comment,rate or criticise!

 

[McCloud]

I dunno. It's a nice exercise to think of words that begin with S or to work on alliteration, but from a technical standpoint I can't really say anything but "don't only make a poem that uses s words"

At any rate, I got nothing of the sort of "dreams." The words all feel like disconnected phrases. If you want to convey a dream that is discordant and random, then do so in your poem. Any disclaimer you put on a work of art should be present in your art. Let the art talk, not you.

Hope this helpsies

 

[Crimson King]

I've done some wordplay like this before. It's great for beginning a deeper poem with lots of alliteration.

For example, as McCloud said, some lines make no sense and are just there because they start with an "S." With these, rewrite the line to make it flow better. I don't have examples, but I remember the "shifting sharks" part didn't fit at all. In that case, add something without "S's," and this will actually make a better poem.

 

[Pikaville]

I just did it to see if I could really.Oh and its not nescessarily about 1 dream.Its about a few of the infinite posibilities of dreams.If you knew how it went in my head it sounds better too.(Kinda like that double trouble,boil and bubble rhyme.)

Cool thanks for the critique guys!

 

[Ixnay]

So silly, seeing "S" start sayings. Slightly strange, still... ok, I can't keep this up. Interesting idea!

 

[Crimson King]

See, though? "seeing 'S' start sayings," is such a forced way of saying what you mean. That force diminishes the overall affect of your message. I love the idea of dreams, so many different ways to go, but don't limit yourself just to sound smarter or artistic.

 

[Pikaville]

Cool.It was an experiment I think I pulled of decently.Im sure I could write better poems(like when I was younger) but I dont really have time anymore.

 

[Crimson King]

Please try. Since poetry is basically a dead market compared to what is was even 20 years ago, I love to see new poets. One of my favorite teachers actually did A LOT of experimental poetry, but I dunno if I can get any from him. I may e-mail one of my professors for it.

 

[Amide]

I'd get the story down first, and then change words to S. It's just that, some things don't make sense. Overall though, nice job.

 

[Pikaville]

Do dreams make sense most of the time?

 

[Amide]

Do dreams make sense most of the time?

Ok, good point. And that was all the criticism I can think of so, you got me.

 

[Virgilijus]

Silently,
Slowly,
Steadily...
She stabbed.
Stabbed.
Smiled.

 

[Crimson King]

Do dreams make sense most of the time?

That's where you have to be careful. ALL my dreams are vivid and in color (fun fact: only a small percentage of people dream in color), so this explains why your stuff doesn't make much sense to me.

 

[AzSvFeZ]

I think that was written quite nicely it may be a disconnected image but it leaves the reader to view what he's dreaming, like comparing a book to a movie, instead of showing you it leaves you to make the connection yourself