Let's Hack the US Database

[Wikipedia]

Just like all movies with these kinds of hacking gangs we need to fulfill an aray of personalities.

We need the following:

-The mastermind. The straight up man's man type. Really freakin strong but never actual does anything.
--Wikipedia

-Strong Russian figure for holding the hostages in one place with his awkward charm.
--LuigiTheButcher

-Wacky black guy with weird talents like bending his fingers all the way back. (Does all the hacking)
--Lesheik

-Three more Russian goons that will most likely get killed.
--AltF4Warrior
--Ademisk
--Zantetsu

-Fat White guy that has money and all the connections.
--Jammer

-Scrawny little frat boy that has a squeeky voice but is always getting layed. Also, always dresses like he's in Miami Vice.
--aAndy

-Fine, we need someone to drive the van. Probably a short Hispanic, secretly homosexual.
--KevinM

-Chopper Pilot, high school debate teacher at heart.
--Blazey


-The enemy
--Tom

Go ahead and sign up. I think we can get into the US database in 5 minutes tops.

 

[Ademisk]

I'm pretty skinny, and I could probably dress like I'm in Miami Vice. Where do I interview for the part?

 

[PohTayToez]

Don't you need the tech guy for the actual hacking? The guy that will shout out nonsensical computer gibberish such as "I'm in the firewall's BIOS!" and "I have to hard reset the boot sector of the UNIX mainframe!"?

And who's driving the van? Someone has to drive the van.

Oh, and there's always the really hot but really butch chick that kicks ***, but then gets all girly over the mastermind guy.

 

[snoblo]

I'll be the one making the dramatic sound effects. You gotta have the sound effects in order for this to be epic.

 

[Ademisk]

Don't you need the tech guy for the actual hacking? The guy that will shout out nonsensical computer gibberish such as "I'm in the firewall's BIOS!" and "I have to hard reset the boot sector of the UNIX mainframe!"?

And who's driving the van? Someone has to drive the van.

Oh, and there's always the really hot but really butch chick that kicks ***, but then gets all girly over the mastermind guy.

I think this is the stereotype where they're ALL master hackers, even the red shirt Russian guys.

 

[Wikipedia]

No. Only the black guy does the hacking. Incidentally, he is also the one that does all the "dramatic sound effects" just think of Space Balls.

 

[LuigiTheButcher]

I am not black but I can bend my fingers all the way back! I think being Afghan makes it more unique...>.>

 

[Ademisk]

but if its unique it won't work. We're going for the cliche` here.

 

[Jammer]

Hmm... Can I be the guy on the inside (I'm an American) who gives you the access codes for the station nexus uplink in exchange for 15 million dollars?

Also, if this is for real, I thought it was a joke. Please don't hurt me, NSA.

 

[Wikipedia]

You would only be a minor role character. It's the fat white guy with connections that would pry the access code out of you.

 

[Jammer]

I thought I would be the fat white guy.

I'd like to have a major role. How about I come back unexpectedly when I find out the money you wired to me was hacked so that I would lose it after 6 months?

Then I come in and complicate things.

 

[Wikipedia]

This is real life. This isn't something you plan out, Jammer.

Sure, you can be the fat white guy.

 

[Jammer]

This is real life. This isn't something you plan out, Jammer.

shhhh...Wikipedia, I know it's for real....

[DON'T READ THIS IF YOU'RE A GOVERNMENT AGENT, PLEASE]

Spoiler

I'm just trying to keep the NSA off my back.

[THANK YOU]

They'll never know. It's what fat white guys do.

 

[Wikipedia]

Don't worry, I got it covered, I had Gideon put up a firewall to stop those agents of the government from viewing this page.

 

[Tom]

Arg! For some strange reason, I can't view this page!

 

[Wikipedia]

teehee

 

[Sensai]

Sweet. I'm in. I don't even care what job I have really, I just wanna hack into some governmentz.

....yo.

 

[Crooked Crow]

I wanna be the guy that has pretty much no talent, but ends up having to sacrifice himself for everyone

What would all of our aliases be? And a team name?

Operation "H4CK T3H G0V3RNM3NT"???

They could NEVER decode that ****.

 

[hugglebunny]

Can i be teh servent that gets you guys all the drinks (i can be a good servent) just goin w/ teh steriotypes... then i come up with a genius idea, thus supprising you. i am perfect 4 teh job

 

[Zantetsu2]

I'm 14. I can be the kid that get's kidnapped because you guys did something bad. You can then free me and also get away with your plan >=)

 

[Crooked Crow]

We need a hot girl for the main character to fall in love with

But she dies at the end

 

[Wikipedia]

Sweet. I'm in. I don't even care what job I have really, I just wanna hack into some governmentz.

....yo.

Perfect. Sounds like you'd make a perfect sacrificial Russian gunman. You will probably be the guy that gets thrown down an elevator shaft by a Bruce Willis type figure.

I wanna be the guy that has pretty much no talent, but ends up having to sacrifice himself for everyone

What would all of our aliases be? And a team name?

Operation "H4CK T3H G0V3RNM3NT"???

They could NEVER decode that ****.

That is the stupidest idea ever. Seriously, do you even understand how this works. We don't need any freakin talentless homosexuals in the gang. Aliases? We're so legit that we don't even need to hide under uncreative pseudonyms. You want an alias? How about, "1337 SP3ll3r" because I sure as heck wouldn't post the way you do without an alias. How about this, don't call us, we'll call you?

This is not a game.

Can i be teh servent that gets you guys all the drinks (i can be a good servent) just goin w/ teh steriotypes... then i come up with a genius idea, thus supprising you. i am perfect 4 teh job

I think you are actually trying to say something. And it has something to do with a waitress and bad spelling. Meaning, you failed school and so now you are settling for becoming a waitress and may or may not be offering sex for the job. Because if you were perfect for the job that's what you'd be doing.

I'm 14. I can be the kid that get's kidnapped because you guys did something bad. You can then free me and also get away with your plan >=)

"I'm 14 and...blah blah blah." Perfect way to start out a resume for a job as a governmental database hacker. I once ***** a kid about your age because when I walked across his kitchen hard wood floor I could feel a bunch of crap under my feet. I figured if he didn't know how to use a broom for what it is meant to be used for I might as well shove it up his butt. Idiot kids.

Better idea, you get kidnapped and we leave you for dead.

We need a hot girl for the main character to fall in love with

But she dies at the end

Ok, I thought we actually had something here. It started out good, I'm thinking we pick up a couple prostitutes, sodomize them and then move on before the cops figure out the earthquake is just a couple of large phallused frat boys.

The idea took a sharp left toward the Hilary Clinton campaign office when you submitted that she is the main character, like it's some stupid chic flick movie. This isn't Steel Magnolias buddy.

A riddle: What is the difference between a pencil and a girl?
A pencil still works when it is pumped full of lead.

So let's just pick up a few hookers and drop by Office Max for a few pencils for sentiments and get back to the freakin plan.



805,269 idiots think this is a joke.

 

[Tom]

You had better make it hard for me to arrest you all. Gets pretty boring at the NSA, afterall.

Call this a two weeks head-start, if you will.

 

[AltF4]

Anyone here ever been to Defcon?

 

[Jammer]

Anyone here ever been to Defcon?

Hardcore criminal black hats like us would never be caught dead at Defcon, my naive friend. That event is a goldmine for government agents.

We once hacked the capture the flag part of Defcon from the outside, even though it wasn't even connected to the Internet. We did it from Russia. With modified microwave ovens. It was sweet, and we got to microwave a lot of s'mores.

 

[AltF4]

Lol. There's plenty of black hats at Defcon...

(What makes you think someone can't be a black hat AND a fed...)

 

[Jammer]

Lol. There's plenty of black hats at Defcon...

Yeah, but we're hardcore. We want to stay completely off the radar. We can not be seen going to a computer security convention, because then the CIA will have pictures of our faces.

Remember, this is a covert operation. We can't compromise it by going to silly conventions, no matter how much we would pwn them.

 

[Wikipedia]

Ok, boys, let's do this.

 

[Lesheik]

I'm the: -Wacky black guy with weird talents like bending his fingers all the way back.

 

[KevinM]

I can be the driver, i can get you guys where you need to go and when you need to get there... but earlier.

 

[Ned]

Yeah!

Yeah! We will hack the US Database! Then we can fill a poptart full of nasty meat! Oh..wait. They already made those. (HAAAAWWWWWWTTT Pocket)

Seriously though, good luck. I will not be bailing you out :/

 

[antimatter]

have fun in prison!

 

[Gerudo Warrior]

what the hell is this thread about. it isn't funny

 

[Jammer]

Okay, Wikipedia (the Russian hacker team leader) has ushered everyone into the chopper.

Wikipedia's cell phone rings--it's an unlisted number. He answers it and a gruff voice emanating from the belly of an extremely fat man says, "Do you have the money?"

"We have. What's account number?"

"12-49-84-72-43, passphrase 'Linux Rocks'."

"Spasiba. We send you fifteen million US dollar when you give us Internet ISP DNS transmogrifier location. And Jammer, no trick this time, da? We not want repeat of Free Willy fiasco, da?"

The fat man on the other end slowly drew in his breath. "Do not use names on this unsecured line. Egor has the device. I suspect he's on the helicopter with you."

Wikipedia looked around the helicopter, then spoke in rapid Russian to a single man. The man smiled grimly and produced a small memory card. Talking into the cell phone, Wikipedia said, "What is this? This is not device. How can this possible tranmogrify anything?"

Jammer answered, "It is software for interfacing securely with the actual device, which is kept safely somewhere in Africa. I will not tell anyone it's location. Even you, my friend."

"This is not what I ask for, my friend. I ask for device, not software. How do I know you don't lie? How do I know you don't shut off device when you want?"

"Take it or leave it. If you don't send me the fifteen million in 6 hours, I will shut it off. But you have my word that I will be fair with you. If you give me my money, I will adhere to our deal."

"пошел на хуй! You have already broken it."

"I'm only protecting myself. There is nothing you can't do with the software on that memory card that you couldn't do if you had the device in your possession."

Okay, did I do that right?

I guess now it's up to Wikipedia to decide what to do, or some random person in the helicopter to speak up. Go for it, guys.

 

[Wikipedia]

Ah, what the hell, why not.

I glare at my cellular device, "Vah, I vill send the money over. I hope you enjoy your petty women and cheap vodka you dirty swine! I'll have you know that I have two men vaiting in an undisclosed area with the cross hairs of a sniper rifle pointed directly in between your eyes. Don't mess up."

I scan the scene of 12 men crammed in a helicopter over a busy city at noon day, "Vat the hell are we doing? Get the chopper down. Vee vill take the city metro, I found a frayed up day pass in my pant pocket after being laundered the other day."

Alt4warrior tried to let out a peep but not before a snarky, "Shut up," from me.

 

[Wikipedia]

Double post hax.

 

[Eight Sage]

what the hell is this thread about. it isn't funny

Agrees. This isn't the Forum Games. But If you're having fun go ahead

 

[Wikipedia]

This isn't a game.

Get out.

 

[Gerudo Warrior]

yeah and this forum is not a game. get out

 

[Blazey]

Oh NO! So sorry, SIR. Didn't mean to try to have FUN on your INTERNET. Next time we'll all be sure to remember that the internet is SERIOUS BUSINESS.