MarKO X
Smash Champion
- Joined
- Mar 18, 2008
- Messages
- 2,542
- Location
- Brooklyn
- NNID
- legendnumberM
- 3DS FC
- 2595-2072-2390
- Switch FC
- 531664639998
Link to original post: [drupal=1403]Lack of Grief, and the Reasons Why[/drupal]
Hmmm...
The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I had to look them up because currently, I’m suffering through the loss of a good friend of mine, and I’m almost not feeling any of these stages except acceptance. It like, I did an April Fools joke on her, mixed it in to get even more out of it but then quit it pretty fast because she basically got hit with the feelings I wanted her to feel, apologized, and it seems as though she’s not accepting my apology. We’ve been friends for a good 2 years and change now, got pretty close over the last year and change, but to me, it’s like, if you’re really going to ignore me over an April Fool’s joke, then apparently our bond that was claimed to be so strong wasn’t that strong after all... which saddens me in a way, but relieves me in another way because, like, I don’t need to be expecting someone to be there for me, only to realize, “Oh ****, you ain’t there because it ain’t like that.” Really? Good.
But you see, the problem is that I’m having issues actually moving on with it. Despite the fact that I knew the consequences of doing the joke and did it anyway (and caught MAD people in the process) and despite the fact that if I knew it would go down like this I would honestly do it anyway just to get those MAD people that I got because it was April Fools, and I will continue to do sick in the head April Fools joke in the future despite this, I don’t actually care to a certain extent if she continues to not talk to me... and there are a number of reasons for this.
Reason number one, there is a year known as 2007. That year was utterly horrible for me, possibly the worst year that could have ever went down for me. With a bunch of bull**** that just kept topping each other as life went on, the ultimate bull**** that hit was my father passing away, very early in the year. That, along with the all the bull**** that went down and kept topping each other as the year went on, did not kill me. It only made me stronger. Thus I have this interesting little emotional buffer that doesn’t necessarily give me a cold heart, but it lets some **** just pass over and not hit me as hard.
Reason number two, my grandma down south... she’s having serious health problems. It was thought that she was dead, but now, she’s not quite dead yet, but I don’t even get fed the information and updates about her like an adult, I’m always the last one to know like I some kind of little kid. Hello, I’m 21, and my father passed, and I had to live through that first hand. ****, I was the one who ****ing called 911 the day he got really sick. But they wanna hit me up with the updates at the last second (and apparently they don’t even tell me everything when I do get updated, because, you know, I’m much younger than 21 years old). So like, I don’t even had half a thought to try and think about her.
Reason number three, I’m writing a book. Well, I’m trying to write a book. With all of this nonsense going on in my life and in my head, I cannot bring myself to use my full potential to actually write this book. I started it the other day, and I wrote three or four totally garbage paragraphs that are just garbage. I have the ideas for what I want to do written down, and my mind is actually pretty constantly coming up with new ideas that I may or may not be able to flowingly fit into the story I’m writing, but as far as being able to sit down and actually write it... it’s not happening at all.
Reason number four, I’m trying to find a job. I got many different hook ups or whatever, and I have no idea which hook up I truly wanna follow because... you guess it, so much bull**** in my head.
Reason number five, home annoys me. And really, it’s not so much that home is annoying, it’s just that I’m in this general mode where I want to be left alone, but like, I can’t, because my little brother Justin loves me and he’s constantly bothering me. Technically, he’s not bothering me, he’s just being a little brother, and if I was in any ordinary mood, it’d be all good, but it’s not.
Reason number six, I’m trying to get into school, but I’m not quite sure how that’s gonna work just yet because... well, you get the picture.
So I’m just this incredible mess right now... and you know what? Somehow, I still manage to get a smile on my face. Like, literally, as I write this, I’m smiling, because you know what? When all this bull**** passes and is finally over, I’ll have nothing to show for it. The strength that I gain from this won’t show itself on a regular basis, it’ll just remain hidden in the foundation until it’s really time to dig down deep and get something super necessary done. (not that getting a job, getting into school, and writing my book isn’t super necessary, but you get the point I hope.)
I wasn’t going to call her and see what’s up with her because apologized twice already and I figured that it’s up to her to accept the apology, but I think I will actually call her later today to try and get this monkey off my back. One way or another, I think I need to get this settled, because there is no way in hell I can be at the acceptance stage of this grief of this loss of this friend without having consciously done the other stages of grief And trust me, I know EXACTLY what each stage of grief feels like, and I **** sure haven’t done anything other than acceptance yet.... which kinda worries me. Because, it’s not like I don’t wanna be friends with her, I do, she’s mad cool and whatnot. But like, if we’re really done over a [very well executed (lol)] April Fools joke, then like... well, it is what it is.
Wow, I feel a whole lot better now. Yay!
So yeah, I’ll call her tomorrow (even though I originally said that I wouldn’t because I already apologized. Twice.) and see what happens.
PS: yes, I am very, very sick in the head. o_O
Hmmm...
The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I had to look them up because currently, I’m suffering through the loss of a good friend of mine, and I’m almost not feeling any of these stages except acceptance. It like, I did an April Fools joke on her, mixed it in to get even more out of it but then quit it pretty fast because she basically got hit with the feelings I wanted her to feel, apologized, and it seems as though she’s not accepting my apology. We’ve been friends for a good 2 years and change now, got pretty close over the last year and change, but to me, it’s like, if you’re really going to ignore me over an April Fool’s joke, then apparently our bond that was claimed to be so strong wasn’t that strong after all... which saddens me in a way, but relieves me in another way because, like, I don’t need to be expecting someone to be there for me, only to realize, “Oh ****, you ain’t there because it ain’t like that.” Really? Good.
But you see, the problem is that I’m having issues actually moving on with it. Despite the fact that I knew the consequences of doing the joke and did it anyway (and caught MAD people in the process) and despite the fact that if I knew it would go down like this I would honestly do it anyway just to get those MAD people that I got because it was April Fools, and I will continue to do sick in the head April Fools joke in the future despite this, I don’t actually care to a certain extent if she continues to not talk to me... and there are a number of reasons for this.
Reason number one, there is a year known as 2007. That year was utterly horrible for me, possibly the worst year that could have ever went down for me. With a bunch of bull**** that just kept topping each other as life went on, the ultimate bull**** that hit was my father passing away, very early in the year. That, along with the all the bull**** that went down and kept topping each other as the year went on, did not kill me. It only made me stronger. Thus I have this interesting little emotional buffer that doesn’t necessarily give me a cold heart, but it lets some **** just pass over and not hit me as hard.
Reason number two, my grandma down south... she’s having serious health problems. It was thought that she was dead, but now, she’s not quite dead yet, but I don’t even get fed the information and updates about her like an adult, I’m always the last one to know like I some kind of little kid. Hello, I’m 21, and my father passed, and I had to live through that first hand. ****, I was the one who ****ing called 911 the day he got really sick. But they wanna hit me up with the updates at the last second (and apparently they don’t even tell me everything when I do get updated, because, you know, I’m much younger than 21 years old). So like, I don’t even had half a thought to try and think about her.
Reason number three, I’m writing a book. Well, I’m trying to write a book. With all of this nonsense going on in my life and in my head, I cannot bring myself to use my full potential to actually write this book. I started it the other day, and I wrote three or four totally garbage paragraphs that are just garbage. I have the ideas for what I want to do written down, and my mind is actually pretty constantly coming up with new ideas that I may or may not be able to flowingly fit into the story I’m writing, but as far as being able to sit down and actually write it... it’s not happening at all.
Reason number four, I’m trying to find a job. I got many different hook ups or whatever, and I have no idea which hook up I truly wanna follow because... you guess it, so much bull**** in my head.
Reason number five, home annoys me. And really, it’s not so much that home is annoying, it’s just that I’m in this general mode where I want to be left alone, but like, I can’t, because my little brother Justin loves me and he’s constantly bothering me. Technically, he’s not bothering me, he’s just being a little brother, and if I was in any ordinary mood, it’d be all good, but it’s not.
Reason number six, I’m trying to get into school, but I’m not quite sure how that’s gonna work just yet because... well, you get the picture.
So I’m just this incredible mess right now... and you know what? Somehow, I still manage to get a smile on my face. Like, literally, as I write this, I’m smiling, because you know what? When all this bull**** passes and is finally over, I’ll have nothing to show for it. The strength that I gain from this won’t show itself on a regular basis, it’ll just remain hidden in the foundation until it’s really time to dig down deep and get something super necessary done. (not that getting a job, getting into school, and writing my book isn’t super necessary, but you get the point I hope.)
I wasn’t going to call her and see what’s up with her because apologized twice already and I figured that it’s up to her to accept the apology, but I think I will actually call her later today to try and get this monkey off my back. One way or another, I think I need to get this settled, because there is no way in hell I can be at the acceptance stage of this grief of this loss of this friend without having consciously done the other stages of grief And trust me, I know EXACTLY what each stage of grief feels like, and I **** sure haven’t done anything other than acceptance yet.... which kinda worries me. Because, it’s not like I don’t wanna be friends with her, I do, she’s mad cool and whatnot. But like, if we’re really done over a [very well executed (lol)] April Fools joke, then like... well, it is what it is.
Wow, I feel a whole lot better now. Yay!
So yeah, I’ll call her tomorrow (even though I originally said that I wouldn’t because I already apologized. Twice.) and see what happens.
PS: yes, I am very, very sick in the head. o_O
