Just a bit of writing I've been doing, critique is appreciated

[JustKindaBoredUKno]

Link to original post: [drupal=2652]Just a bit of writing I've been doing, critique is appreciated[/drupal]



forgive spelling, its a bit early.


Forever Unfinished

As mankind falls from nobility, I sit back and watch. Maybe I'm the outlier. Maybe I have a sixth sense. I saw something coming the whole world didn't. Keep living in your fake fairytale land of pretend. It won't be here tomorrow.


The unspoken voice of the unheard
Secrets meanings found in every word
Words that striking meaning, sorrow, fear
Words that will forever remain unclear

The unspoken voice of the forgotten
Words past their prime, have ripened and rotten
Words that could have changed the world
Words that will forever leave my world twirled

The unlistening ears of those never born
Whose lives before birth were already torn
Never stood a chance in a world they never knew
All due to the mistakes, all because of you

The untouched emotions, of an old friend
Who has been there for you, time and time again
Who's back you've stabbed for the very last time
A silent death for those who have committed the crime

The untouched paper, unmarked by the pen
In the hands of a man, who was once someone back then
Who never said anything, whose thoughts have just diminished
Who's life shall always remain, forever unfinished


Possible add ons, if liked enough:

Anonymous voices never known to mankind
Thoughts never thought, no one to take the time
No one would care, all would remain unaware
of the chaos, destruction, and burden to bare

The quest for perfection is a foolish man's dream
In a self destructive world, its scary when it seems
Yesterday's demons make more sense than today's angels
Corruption, deception, minds messed up and mangled

 

[mountain_tiger]

I like it. Stark, depressing poems are a favourite of mine.

 

[El Nino]

There's a difference between implicit writing and stuff that's simply vague. This is a little too vague, in my opinion. It seems that you may have added a few extra words to adhere to a form, but even then the form is inconsistent.

Lines like this: "The unspoken voice of the unheard"

...are redundant. An unspoken voice is naturally "unheard." Also, "unspoken" may not be the appropriate descriptive word for "voice." "Unspoken" describes words. "Voice of the unheard" works fine as that.

I think it'd help you to be more direct. I'm not entirely sure what this poem is about. I don't mean "more direct" as in plainly stating the theme in blunt terms. I mean that you can use language that is more clear, and also use symbolism to your advantage. Use words more wisely; make sure that each word you put down has a reason for being there.

Anyway, good luck, keep reading poetry that you admire, and keep writing.