Snot Man
Smash Cadet
You must be wondering why the sky just turned black and blood started raining. Why, because it’s that time of the week, again! Specifically, it’s Japan Time Time!
This week, we’re in for some high speed action as we drive through the Mario Circuit, dash through the endless labyrinth of menus upon menus, and… throw Bonsly… very fast, yes. High speed action, I said! Buckle your seatbelt, put a few mushrooms in your gas tank, close your eyes, stop thinking and get ready for the thrill ride of your life!
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/stage19_071213e.jpg" alt="Today's update features BLAST PROCESSING!" />
<strong>While viewing this dizzyingly fast Japan Time Time update, please watch out for kart-wrecking maniacs with baseball bats.</strong>
<strong>WEEK #30: December 10th to 14th, 2007</strong>
<strong>MONDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/items/mball/mball08.html"><strong>TWILIT ROCK TREE THING: Bonsly</strong></a>
<em>Bonsly walks around.</em>
Just look at it! I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone care less about being in a Smash Bros. game.
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/mball08_071210b.jpg" alt="|" />
<strong>Eh, whatever. If you’re watching this, hi, Mom.</strong>
I mean, even Mewtwo looked at least a little angry. Bonsly doesn’t seem to want out or care that it’s being thrown around either. Its day just won’t get any better or worse because Fox just reflected it. Whatever. In the end, all Pokemon either wind up serving some deadbeat ten year-old for the rest of their lives or spend their days running around in tall grass, getting clobbered by Squirtles for experience, and lying around until the wounds heal naturally and the cycle begins anew. So why bother complain? Sure, it’s being used like an ordinary rock and might be thrown onto a cliff or hit by those careless maniacs, but it’s a living. It’s not any less painful or degrading than what any other Pokemon, trained or not, has to go through. Whatever.
That silly Bonsly! I’m sure some chick with a dog will come along to brighten its mood someday, even if it acts like a totally uninterested jerk all the time for no reason.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>TUESDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various17.html"><strong>CONSTANTLY SPINNING ROMANTIC COMEDY: Rotation</strong></a>
<em>Just in case you need a little help being nice…</em>
Menus… Menus… Nothing but menus, left and right, as far as the eye can see! We sure have been seeing a lot of those lately, haven’t we? I’ll get to complaining about that in my next entry, but for now, picture the following scenario.
You’re at a <s>Christm</s> Valentine’s Day family reunion, playing Brawl on some cousin’s Wii. A few interested people have gathered, and there are like a whopping six of you around. Only four can play at a time. The two others want to play. Because this is a family reunion, at least two of the people involved in this scenario are obnoxious little brats who never held a video game controller in their lives, constantly call Samus “the robot” and aren’t always sure of who they’re controlling. So you make a deal. Whenever someone loses, they swap out and someone else takes their place, taking turns. That’s right. You just freaking <strong>take turns</strong>. It’s not hard. You can even write down who’s next if it bothers you that much. The point is, if you need a gameplay feature to do that for you, you’re probably either not in that family reunion scenario I just described, or you’re doing something horribly wrong.
But what about the custom controller settings? What if the players want to use those? Or what if you have twelve people all waiting to play? Wouldn’t it get confusing, then? Once again, I’m betting the chances of something like that happening are low. Because I’m a social recluse who lives in his mother’s basement and can’t speak to girls without having a seizure, my mind can’t grasp the concept of a social gathering where more than four people could possibly want to play Smash on the same TV at once. And even <em>then</em>, if that crazy scenario were to occur, I can’t imagine those people caring at all about custom controller settings, because the strain from imagining that freak one-in-a-million occurrence would probably make my brain explode.
Maybe it could be more useful if you’re not me. But you’re not the one writing this, anyway. HA!
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 1 Smash Icon out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>WEDNESDAY</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various18.html"><strong>MENULAND’S UNMOVABLE GUARDIANS: Options</strong></a>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/music/music17.html"><strong>REBIRTH OF THE UNREMARKABLE SONG: Ice Climber</strong></a>
<em>You can use this to adjust the balance between the game’s music and sound effects.</em>
I SO TOTALLY CALLED IT!
<em>FLASHBACK TO WEEK #28, START!</em>
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/noscreenshotff5.png" alt="I know the entry's on now, but I still can't get the image for some reason." />
<strong>You’ll be able to adjust the ratio of sound you hear. Don’t like the music? Turn them down and turn the SFX on! Don’t like the sound effects? Do the opposite!</strong>
<em>FLASHBACK TO WEEK #28, END!</em>
…But you know, I really wish that, of all the predictions I made, the one that got realized wasn’t the one where I made fun of really terrible and bland updates. Why must you be unplayable, Mr. Resetti? Why?!
Seriously, that’s just crazy. It’s really nice that they drop info bit-by-bit about the game like that, and I can understand that they’re running out of material thanks to the delay. But that has the totally insane side effect of promotional material in which they take the time to <em>show how you deflicker in this game</em>. It’s not the only thing in that update, of course (plus, it’s a double one), but it’s like they scratched out the whole bottom of the barrel and started putting in dirt from underneath said barrel. I’m not even sure instruction manuals take the time to talk about deflicker. Maybe they do, because explaining menus in case you don’t know how to read is what they do, but still. I’m sorry, I’ve been thinking about that too much and it’s just too much to bear. Analyzing those entries too deeply can be harmful to sanity.
Now, on the brighter side, I’m rather curious about what’s in the Vault they speak of here. Judging by the button’s green color and that of the Stickers’ background, I’m betting those must be in, as well as trophies, probably. But what else could there be? It’s a treasure chest! It’s got to have some more exciting stuff in it! …It’s got to!… Right?… Right?
Moving on, here’s… another remix of the Ice Climber theme! Of course, it’s not like they had a huge selection of songs to choose from. Compiled from the only game in their franchise, the Ice Climbers boast a total of… … hold on… four songs? I thought there were less than that! At least, they did a pretty good job with it. The beginning isn’t much to scream about, but things get a lot more interesting when I presume the peak breaks off and the battle turns into an ADRENALINE-FUELED LIGHTNING-FAST ACTIONFEST!
Thought I forgot that this was a high-speed update, huh? That was just an unrelated coincidence, though. The introduction was just a joke. I won’t be writing about anything particularly fast for the rest of this entry. Ha!
Judging by how quickly the song goes into “panic mode”, I guess this means the peak will break off kind of early! That’s good because I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one to <em>hate that mountain so much</em>.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>THURSDAY!</strong>
<strong><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/stages/stage19.html">MALEVOLENT MASKED GHOULS IN GO-KARTS: Mario Circuit</a></strong>
<em>Of course, we HAVE shown it briefly in past movies…</em>
I didn’t remember there being so many Shy Guys on the Mario Circuit. Maybe they’re like those stupid no-name racers from the first F-Zero game. If you played it, you know the ones I’m talking about. You’d never ever see one of those until you’re in first place, driving past one for the first time, wondering what that lame-looking car was and why you can’t have one of those. And then you speed past two or three more and realize that the reason you’re catching up to them is that they’re one lap behind you and just suck that much. Maybe that was how the beginnings of F-Zero racing were, back when only four guys were able to afford custom racecars and actual racer numbers, and Black Shadow, Blood Falcon and Roger Buster were forced to threaten the galaxy, try to kill Captain Falcon and be completely unremarkable (respectively) in hovering garbage cans that can barely reach Mach 2.
Okay, why was I talking about F-Zero, again? I thought this was the Mario Circuit’s entry! Oh right, let me go take my pills for self-diagnosed ADD. Okay, done. Focus, man, focus. I guess it makes sense that they don’t put actual Mario Kart racers in those machines, seeing how the entire cast of Mario Kart 64 is either a playable fighter (if you bring up Luigi being unconfirmed I will destroy you) or hiding inside one of said fighters’ dress. Now seriously, what’s up with that? What does that shrieking ****** have that I don– Oooooh, pills kicking in. Distractions going away. Better start a new paragraph so you forget I said this.
Okay, I was talking about those Shy Guys. You know, I look at the big screen in the background, and see what appears to be the race’s standings. Now, what do they write there? Mario and Yoshi aren’t racing, so all that’s left is those Shy Guys. But the thing is, they’re all identical! You just can’t tell them apart, aside from kart colors, and they even share some of those! <em>What do they write?</em> Do those Shy Guys only have very distinct clichéd personalities you can tell them apart from, like the Smurfs originally did? Will they, like the Smurfs, eventually gain fashion accessories that miss the point of them being identical in the first place but make them that much more marketable? Will they eventually spin off into a massively popular franchise of their own, one so hyped everywhere that even their creator will become completely sick of them? Will they still sell cereals, plush toys and magazines <em>fifty years after their creation</em>? Will they– for the love of Sakurai, those pills aren’t worth CRAP. All right. I went to the store and got myself another brand between those last two sentences. Let’s see it they work.
Okay, the entry about Mario Circuit. We knew about it already, but I’m feeling lightheaded for some reason and I really like Mario Kart so I guess it’s pretty cool.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 4 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>FRIDAY!
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/items/assist/assist14.html">KING OF EGGPLANTS: Waluigi</a>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/items/assist/assist13.html">AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD NEVER HEARD OF THAT THING BEFORE LAST FRIDAY OR WHAT: Stafy</a></strong>
<em>Stafy, why did you even come here?!</em>
First, let’s get the less interesting one out of the way. Waluigi!
Here, Waluigi appears with his tennis racket, as a tribute to his first appearance in Mario Tennis, and possibly as a way to point out that he never appears in anything but Mario Party and sports games, and that he should show up in the main series already. Why hasn’t he, anyway? In any given game Camelot does, Wario and Waluigi are always hanging out together and causing mischief in the game’s intro movie, but in WarioWare, ol’ Waluigi never seems to ever pay his brother (cousin? best pal? assistant? father? summoner? former roommate?) visits anymore. Is it because of the new duds? It has to be the new duds.
When they started teaming up all those years ago, Waluigi had to go and buy himself a whole new purple wardrobe and groom his mustache in a new exciting way so he and Wario could have a matching color scheme while playing doubles. YOU try and find a store selling a purple cap with an upside-down L on a it only three hours before the tennis game starts. And now, Wario’s become a bigshot CEO and has to throw the whole “evil Mario” gig out the window, along with the yellow clothes, without consulting his partner (lackey? builder? conjoined twin?). It would be pretty normal for a guy, after all these years of hard work to become the perfect evil sidekick, to get angry when his boss (adopter? trainer? general?) suddenly changes his mind. So basically, the reason Waluigi’s still waving a tennis racket around but still won’t go anywhere near Diamond City is not because Ashley scares the crap out of him, but because he’s trying to send a message. He wants the old Wario back.
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/assist14_071214d.jpg" alt="I think Mario's having a really nice dream where he plays electric guitar like a god of rock." />
<strong> See, Wario? Isn’t it fun to kick Mario in the face?</strong>
Why did you have to change, Wario? You’re breaking poor Waluigi’s heart. Wario. If you’re reading this, I implore you. Put on your old purple overalls and yellow everything else, set a bag of flaming poop on Mario’s doorstep, then call Waluigi with your fancy Japanese cell phone (with camera) so he can watch the drama unfold and maybe come over to laugh sinisterly if he lives close enough. It would make him so happy.
Next up is Stafy. Who the heck is Stafy? I checked around and it seems like I’m the only one around here who had never heard of Stafy. I liked it when they announced Assist Trophies and said there would be some characters only hardcore fans would recognize. I took it as a challenge to my video game nerdiness. But forcing me to do research on characters from games they never released outside Japan? That’s crossing a line. There’s “Maniac Mansion” obscure and there’s “Shin Meido Arufuredo-chan: Nekkutsu Neko Destiny” obscure. You may know about the first game but not the second one. Not just because I obviously made it up, but because there <em>is</em> a chance you’ve one day walked by a video game store’s used games bin and saw Maniac Mansion in it, but the ONLY way you could’ve possibly heard of Arufuredo-chan’s game is by spending too much time on the Internet.
Look, I know I spend way too much time on the Internet myself. I’m just saying.
Oh, and Maniac Mansion might not count as obscure because you’ve heard of it. My point still remains. (You should all play Maniac Mansion, by the way. I don’t care if you can make the game unwinnable in weird ways or if the puzzles make no sense. It’ll build your character, and it’ll make you realize how I got that way.)
So all that whining aside, I guess the only way I can get a decent opinion of Stafy is by playing its game or doing a little bit of research, huh? No way. I’m not doing that again. It seems they’ve been showing us material from Japan-only games because they really enjoy it when I try to review them, then wind up playing a Castlevania game and only realize it a few hours after I’ve posted the Japan Time Time entry and made a complete fool of myself. Not so this time! You can’t trick me, Japan, because I will now only <em>make stuff up</em> and <em>pretend</em> to have played Densetsu no Stafy. I have you this time!
Stafy’s game is quite unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. Seeing his trophy in action made me expect something like a generic platformer, but I was pleasantly surprised. I like both monster collecting and army-managing strategy games like Pokémon and Super Robot Taisen, so the blend of both genres appealed to me greatly. Collecting the different Stafies and using their unique abilities on the battlefield proved quite the challenge because of the fact that it’s in Japanese, but I did manage to survive long enough to write this review.
What truly makes Densetsu no Stafy stand out is the exciting over-the-top beat-’em-up sequences that occur whenever one of your units (with or without reinforcement from nearby Stafies) encounters an enemy squad. Each of the Stafies is part of one of 25 different classes with its own distinct fighting style. Gunner Stafies will have deadly multitargetting techniques and crazy lightning-quick ranged combos, but must not let the enemy grunts sneak up on them or they’ll be sorry! Meanwhile, bruiser Stafies can both easily dish out hits and take them, but their straightforward style can be countered by the sneakier enemy types, which you may encounter a lot more or less depending on the plot branch you followed. The mini-battles, I’m glad to say, are long enough to be enjoyable but not so much as to make missions drag on. Strategy also plays a large part, unlike in some games that attempted a similar formula, in which a sufficiently skilled player could plow through the action sequences without thinking. Here… not so much.
The game’s graphics, in accordance with Nintendo’s design philosophy, don’t destroy the hardware but have a style and flair of their own that you’ll never see anywhere else. Once you reach the higher levels, you’ll be seeing some truly awe-inspiring attack animations coming from both sides of the conflict, as Stafies and enemies alike team up to perform beautifully brutal combos on each other.
I could go on more about the game’s varied but generally top-notch music, the lighthearted and humorous but intriguing storyline and the relationship and plot branch systems that give the game potentially years of replay value, but I advise you to find out for yourself. Densetsu no Stafy earns a gold star here! Now, Nintendo, what are you waiting for to bring this little gem over here? Hopefully Stafy’s appearance in Smash will be enough of a catalyst…
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
<h1>GAME!</h1>
<strong>1ST PLACE WINNER:</strong> I bet there’s a mob waiting to lynch me now because I didn’t give Stafy eight stars over there, but it’s just… um… because he’s not playable, yeah. And not because I could probably only care about Stafy if you paid me to. That’s the ticket. Meanwhile, I bet a second, different mob is forming up because I gave a score of four to a stage we already knew pretty much everything about. This stage, incidentally, also wins this week’s First Place Winner trophy! To the lynch mobs, I say… You may have pitchforks, but have you got a <strong>JETPACK</strong>? HAHAHAHAHA! SO LONG, SUCKERS!
<strong> LAST PLACE LOSER:</strong> Oh right, I still have to type this. Um. Look! Rotation sucks! Don’t we at least all agree on that?! …I think? Yes? You’d better!
<strong>THIS WEEK’S OVERALL RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
That’s all for today! You can go home, now! Please stop maiming me! Aaaaaaaah!
Now that I’ve stopped imagining myself being maimed by you, the reader, I can preview next week’s episode. Tune in next week, as it turns out every single word I said in my Stafy review turns out to be true, Final Final Smash attacks are revealed, and ace prosecutor ace Miles Edgeworth is shown to not only appear but also the only actual playable character in the game, despite what all promotional material said until now! Until then, ta-ta!
This week, we’re in for some high speed action as we drive through the Mario Circuit, dash through the endless labyrinth of menus upon menus, and… throw Bonsly… very fast, yes. High speed action, I said! Buckle your seatbelt, put a few mushrooms in your gas tank, close your eyes, stop thinking and get ready for the thrill ride of your life!
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/stage19_071213e.jpg" alt="Today's update features BLAST PROCESSING!" />
<strong>While viewing this dizzyingly fast Japan Time Time update, please watch out for kart-wrecking maniacs with baseball bats.</strong>
<strong>WEEK #30: December 10th to 14th, 2007</strong>
<strong>MONDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/items/mball/mball08.html"><strong>TWILIT ROCK TREE THING: Bonsly</strong></a>
<em>Bonsly walks around.</em>
Just look at it! I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone care less about being in a Smash Bros. game.
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/mball08_071210b.jpg" alt="|" />
<strong>Eh, whatever. If you’re watching this, hi, Mom.</strong>
I mean, even Mewtwo looked at least a little angry. Bonsly doesn’t seem to want out or care that it’s being thrown around either. Its day just won’t get any better or worse because Fox just reflected it. Whatever. In the end, all Pokemon either wind up serving some deadbeat ten year-old for the rest of their lives or spend their days running around in tall grass, getting clobbered by Squirtles for experience, and lying around until the wounds heal naturally and the cycle begins anew. So why bother complain? Sure, it’s being used like an ordinary rock and might be thrown onto a cliff or hit by those careless maniacs, but it’s a living. It’s not any less painful or degrading than what any other Pokemon, trained or not, has to go through. Whatever.
That silly Bonsly! I’m sure some chick with a dog will come along to brighten its mood someday, even if it acts like a totally uninterested jerk all the time for no reason.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>TUESDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various17.html"><strong>CONSTANTLY SPINNING ROMANTIC COMEDY: Rotation</strong></a>
<em>Just in case you need a little help being nice…</em>
Menus… Menus… Nothing but menus, left and right, as far as the eye can see! We sure have been seeing a lot of those lately, haven’t we? I’ll get to complaining about that in my next entry, but for now, picture the following scenario.
You’re at a <s>Christm</s> Valentine’s Day family reunion, playing Brawl on some cousin’s Wii. A few interested people have gathered, and there are like a whopping six of you around. Only four can play at a time. The two others want to play. Because this is a family reunion, at least two of the people involved in this scenario are obnoxious little brats who never held a video game controller in their lives, constantly call Samus “the robot” and aren’t always sure of who they’re controlling. So you make a deal. Whenever someone loses, they swap out and someone else takes their place, taking turns. That’s right. You just freaking <strong>take turns</strong>. It’s not hard. You can even write down who’s next if it bothers you that much. The point is, if you need a gameplay feature to do that for you, you’re probably either not in that family reunion scenario I just described, or you’re doing something horribly wrong.
But what about the custom controller settings? What if the players want to use those? Or what if you have twelve people all waiting to play? Wouldn’t it get confusing, then? Once again, I’m betting the chances of something like that happening are low. Because I’m a social recluse who lives in his mother’s basement and can’t speak to girls without having a seizure, my mind can’t grasp the concept of a social gathering where more than four people could possibly want to play Smash on the same TV at once. And even <em>then</em>, if that crazy scenario were to occur, I can’t imagine those people caring at all about custom controller settings, because the strain from imagining that freak one-in-a-million occurrence would probably make my brain explode.
Maybe it could be more useful if you’re not me. But you’re not the one writing this, anyway. HA!
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 1 Smash Icon out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>WEDNESDAY</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various18.html"><strong>MENULAND’S UNMOVABLE GUARDIANS: Options</strong></a>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/music/music17.html"><strong>REBIRTH OF THE UNREMARKABLE SONG: Ice Climber</strong></a>
<em>You can use this to adjust the balance between the game’s music and sound effects.</em>
I SO TOTALLY CALLED IT!
<em>FLASHBACK TO WEEK #28, START!</em>
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/noscreenshotff5.png" alt="I know the entry's on now, but I still can't get the image for some reason." />
<strong>You’ll be able to adjust the ratio of sound you hear. Don’t like the music? Turn them down and turn the SFX on! Don’t like the sound effects? Do the opposite!</strong>
<em>FLASHBACK TO WEEK #28, END!</em>
…But you know, I really wish that, of all the predictions I made, the one that got realized wasn’t the one where I made fun of really terrible and bland updates. Why must you be unplayable, Mr. Resetti? Why?!
Seriously, that’s just crazy. It’s really nice that they drop info bit-by-bit about the game like that, and I can understand that they’re running out of material thanks to the delay. But that has the totally insane side effect of promotional material in which they take the time to <em>show how you deflicker in this game</em>. It’s not the only thing in that update, of course (plus, it’s a double one), but it’s like they scratched out the whole bottom of the barrel and started putting in dirt from underneath said barrel. I’m not even sure instruction manuals take the time to talk about deflicker. Maybe they do, because explaining menus in case you don’t know how to read is what they do, but still. I’m sorry, I’ve been thinking about that too much and it’s just too much to bear. Analyzing those entries too deeply can be harmful to sanity.
Now, on the brighter side, I’m rather curious about what’s in the Vault they speak of here. Judging by the button’s green color and that of the Stickers’ background, I’m betting those must be in, as well as trophies, probably. But what else could there be? It’s a treasure chest! It’s got to have some more exciting stuff in it! …It’s got to!… Right?… Right?
Moving on, here’s… another remix of the Ice Climber theme! Of course, it’s not like they had a huge selection of songs to choose from. Compiled from the only game in their franchise, the Ice Climbers boast a total of… … hold on… four songs? I thought there were less than that! At least, they did a pretty good job with it. The beginning isn’t much to scream about, but things get a lot more interesting when I presume the peak breaks off and the battle turns into an ADRENALINE-FUELED LIGHTNING-FAST ACTIONFEST!
Thought I forgot that this was a high-speed update, huh? That was just an unrelated coincidence, though. The introduction was just a joke. I won’t be writing about anything particularly fast for the rest of this entry. Ha!
Judging by how quickly the song goes into “panic mode”, I guess this means the peak will break off kind of early! That’s good because I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one to <em>hate that mountain so much</em>.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>THURSDAY!</strong>
<strong><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/stages/stage19.html">MALEVOLENT MASKED GHOULS IN GO-KARTS: Mario Circuit</a></strong>
<em>Of course, we HAVE shown it briefly in past movies…</em>
I didn’t remember there being so many Shy Guys on the Mario Circuit. Maybe they’re like those stupid no-name racers from the first F-Zero game. If you played it, you know the ones I’m talking about. You’d never ever see one of those until you’re in first place, driving past one for the first time, wondering what that lame-looking car was and why you can’t have one of those. And then you speed past two or three more and realize that the reason you’re catching up to them is that they’re one lap behind you and just suck that much. Maybe that was how the beginnings of F-Zero racing were, back when only four guys were able to afford custom racecars and actual racer numbers, and Black Shadow, Blood Falcon and Roger Buster were forced to threaten the galaxy, try to kill Captain Falcon and be completely unremarkable (respectively) in hovering garbage cans that can barely reach Mach 2.
Okay, why was I talking about F-Zero, again? I thought this was the Mario Circuit’s entry! Oh right, let me go take my pills for self-diagnosed ADD. Okay, done. Focus, man, focus. I guess it makes sense that they don’t put actual Mario Kart racers in those machines, seeing how the entire cast of Mario Kart 64 is either a playable fighter (if you bring up Luigi being unconfirmed I will destroy you) or hiding inside one of said fighters’ dress. Now seriously, what’s up with that? What does that shrieking ****** have that I don– Oooooh, pills kicking in. Distractions going away. Better start a new paragraph so you forget I said this.
Okay, I was talking about those Shy Guys. You know, I look at the big screen in the background, and see what appears to be the race’s standings. Now, what do they write there? Mario and Yoshi aren’t racing, so all that’s left is those Shy Guys. But the thing is, they’re all identical! You just can’t tell them apart, aside from kart colors, and they even share some of those! <em>What do they write?</em> Do those Shy Guys only have very distinct clichéd personalities you can tell them apart from, like the Smurfs originally did? Will they, like the Smurfs, eventually gain fashion accessories that miss the point of them being identical in the first place but make them that much more marketable? Will they eventually spin off into a massively popular franchise of their own, one so hyped everywhere that even their creator will become completely sick of them? Will they still sell cereals, plush toys and magazines <em>fifty years after their creation</em>? Will they– for the love of Sakurai, those pills aren’t worth CRAP. All right. I went to the store and got myself another brand between those last two sentences. Let’s see it they work.
Okay, the entry about Mario Circuit. We knew about it already, but I’m feeling lightheaded for some reason and I really like Mario Kart so I guess it’s pretty cool.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 4 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>FRIDAY!
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/items/assist/assist14.html">KING OF EGGPLANTS: Waluigi</a>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/items/assist/assist13.html">AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD NEVER HEARD OF THAT THING BEFORE LAST FRIDAY OR WHAT: Stafy</a></strong>
<em>Stafy, why did you even come here?!</em>
First, let’s get the less interesting one out of the way. Waluigi!
Here, Waluigi appears with his tennis racket, as a tribute to his first appearance in Mario Tennis, and possibly as a way to point out that he never appears in anything but Mario Party and sports games, and that he should show up in the main series already. Why hasn’t he, anyway? In any given game Camelot does, Wario and Waluigi are always hanging out together and causing mischief in the game’s intro movie, but in WarioWare, ol’ Waluigi never seems to ever pay his brother (cousin? best pal? assistant? father? summoner? former roommate?) visits anymore. Is it because of the new duds? It has to be the new duds.
When they started teaming up all those years ago, Waluigi had to go and buy himself a whole new purple wardrobe and groom his mustache in a new exciting way so he and Wario could have a matching color scheme while playing doubles. YOU try and find a store selling a purple cap with an upside-down L on a it only three hours before the tennis game starts. And now, Wario’s become a bigshot CEO and has to throw the whole “evil Mario” gig out the window, along with the yellow clothes, without consulting his partner (lackey? builder? conjoined twin?). It would be pretty normal for a guy, after all these years of hard work to become the perfect evil sidekick, to get angry when his boss (adopter? trainer? general?) suddenly changes his mind. So basically, the reason Waluigi’s still waving a tennis racket around but still won’t go anywhere near Diamond City is not because Ashley scares the crap out of him, but because he’s trying to send a message. He wants the old Wario back.
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/assist14_071214d.jpg" alt="I think Mario's having a really nice dream where he plays electric guitar like a god of rock." />
<strong> See, Wario? Isn’t it fun to kick Mario in the face?</strong>
Why did you have to change, Wario? You’re breaking poor Waluigi’s heart. Wario. If you’re reading this, I implore you. Put on your old purple overalls and yellow everything else, set a bag of flaming poop on Mario’s doorstep, then call Waluigi with your fancy Japanese cell phone (with camera) so he can watch the drama unfold and maybe come over to laugh sinisterly if he lives close enough. It would make him so happy.
Next up is Stafy. Who the heck is Stafy? I checked around and it seems like I’m the only one around here who had never heard of Stafy. I liked it when they announced Assist Trophies and said there would be some characters only hardcore fans would recognize. I took it as a challenge to my video game nerdiness. But forcing me to do research on characters from games they never released outside Japan? That’s crossing a line. There’s “Maniac Mansion” obscure and there’s “Shin Meido Arufuredo-chan: Nekkutsu Neko Destiny” obscure. You may know about the first game but not the second one. Not just because I obviously made it up, but because there <em>is</em> a chance you’ve one day walked by a video game store’s used games bin and saw Maniac Mansion in it, but the ONLY way you could’ve possibly heard of Arufuredo-chan’s game is by spending too much time on the Internet.
Look, I know I spend way too much time on the Internet myself. I’m just saying.
Oh, and Maniac Mansion might not count as obscure because you’ve heard of it. My point still remains. (You should all play Maniac Mansion, by the way. I don’t care if you can make the game unwinnable in weird ways or if the puzzles make no sense. It’ll build your character, and it’ll make you realize how I got that way.)
So all that whining aside, I guess the only way I can get a decent opinion of Stafy is by playing its game or doing a little bit of research, huh? No way. I’m not doing that again. It seems they’ve been showing us material from Japan-only games because they really enjoy it when I try to review them, then wind up playing a Castlevania game and only realize it a few hours after I’ve posted the Japan Time Time entry and made a complete fool of myself. Not so this time! You can’t trick me, Japan, because I will now only <em>make stuff up</em> and <em>pretend</em> to have played Densetsu no Stafy. I have you this time!
Stafy’s game is quite unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. Seeing his trophy in action made me expect something like a generic platformer, but I was pleasantly surprised. I like both monster collecting and army-managing strategy games like Pokémon and Super Robot Taisen, so the blend of both genres appealed to me greatly. Collecting the different Stafies and using their unique abilities on the battlefield proved quite the challenge because of the fact that it’s in Japanese, but I did manage to survive long enough to write this review.
What truly makes Densetsu no Stafy stand out is the exciting over-the-top beat-’em-up sequences that occur whenever one of your units (with or without reinforcement from nearby Stafies) encounters an enemy squad. Each of the Stafies is part of one of 25 different classes with its own distinct fighting style. Gunner Stafies will have deadly multitargetting techniques and crazy lightning-quick ranged combos, but must not let the enemy grunts sneak up on them or they’ll be sorry! Meanwhile, bruiser Stafies can both easily dish out hits and take them, but their straightforward style can be countered by the sneakier enemy types, which you may encounter a lot more or less depending on the plot branch you followed. The mini-battles, I’m glad to say, are long enough to be enjoyable but not so much as to make missions drag on. Strategy also plays a large part, unlike in some games that attempted a similar formula, in which a sufficiently skilled player could plow through the action sequences without thinking. Here… not so much.
The game’s graphics, in accordance with Nintendo’s design philosophy, don’t destroy the hardware but have a style and flair of their own that you’ll never see anywhere else. Once you reach the higher levels, you’ll be seeing some truly awe-inspiring attack animations coming from both sides of the conflict, as Stafies and enemies alike team up to perform beautifully brutal combos on each other.
I could go on more about the game’s varied but generally top-notch music, the lighthearted and humorous but intriguing storyline and the relationship and plot branch systems that give the game potentially years of replay value, but I advise you to find out for yourself. Densetsu no Stafy earns a gold star here! Now, Nintendo, what are you waiting for to bring this little gem over here? Hopefully Stafy’s appearance in Smash will be enough of a catalyst…
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
<h1>GAME!</h1>
<strong>1ST PLACE WINNER:</strong> I bet there’s a mob waiting to lynch me now because I didn’t give Stafy eight stars over there, but it’s just… um… because he’s not playable, yeah. And not because I could probably only care about Stafy if you paid me to. That’s the ticket. Meanwhile, I bet a second, different mob is forming up because I gave a score of four to a stage we already knew pretty much everything about. This stage, incidentally, also wins this week’s First Place Winner trophy! To the lynch mobs, I say… You may have pitchforks, but have you got a <strong>JETPACK</strong>? HAHAHAHAHA! SO LONG, SUCKERS!
<strong> LAST PLACE LOSER:</strong> Oh right, I still have to type this. Um. Look! Rotation sucks! Don’t we at least all agree on that?! …I think? Yes? You’d better!
<strong>THIS WEEK’S OVERALL RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
That’s all for today! You can go home, now! Please stop maiming me! Aaaaaaaah!
Now that I’ve stopped imagining myself being maimed by you, the reader, I can preview next week’s episode. Tune in next week, as it turns out every single word I said in my Stafy review turns out to be true, Final Final Smash attacks are revealed, and ace prosecutor ace Miles Edgeworth is shown to not only appear but also the only actual playable character in the game, despite what all promotional material said until now! Until then, ta-ta!
