Link to original post: [drupal=5284]Call me an air vent[/drupal]
I'm writing this as an 18 year old who has recently completed high school. While I've had these thoughts for the past 6 months or so, I kind of just want to vent and write down my feelings about these last few months. Also I'm not looking for advice or responses. I just want the feeling that maybe someone will read this, and of course the nice feel of getting stuff off your chest
--
At the beginning of December last year, I was still a child. That sounds strange to say, but I truly was. I didn't have a driving licence, a "good" job, and had not even applied for college yet because I didn't need to. That is something I was pretty ashamed about and it made me feel pretty inadequate for more than it should have back then. It's not like I didn't have the grades-- I was a 3.2 GPA student. That isn't exactly great, I know, but even still, friends who had worse grades than me, scored less than me on the ACT, etc. were getting into decent colleges or universities.
My parents never really asked me what I was interested in, and I still don't know what I want to do. The stupid, mandated personality tests that we took showed I may be interested in health care. I scoff at that now though, as I know I would freaking hate to be a part of that system. Anyway, one day my father asked me-- no, that's being generous, told me that I was going to have to go to community college. Money, you know. That crushed my spirits, it really did. Every time I heard my peers brag about what college they got into, I kind of just withdrew. One of the questions I dreaded the most was, "What college are you going to?"
I dreaded it for a reason. I'm not one that thinks people ask questions to make conversation. Hold on, let me build you a picture of how I think most people see me. Smart, nice, quiet and reserved. Has gotten good grades all his life and isn't troublesome. So, what do you think people expect the response to be from me for that question? Michigan State? U of M? Western Michigan, Eastern Michigan, Central Michigan? Kalamazoo? Nah, it's community college. I consider myself to be pretty good at reading people's reactions, and every time I answered that question I knew they were disappointed. And it's awkward, and it hurts because you know they're wondering, "what happened?" And after you answer that question, you're asked about prom, and graduation, and what kind of party you're going to have. But really, after I answered no, it's whatever, and I'm not going to have a party, I felt people were starting to see what I am. An awkward recluse who's afraid of social functions.
So yeah, there I was. My 18th birthday was approaching soon and I insisted that a party didn't need to be held for me. My mom said ok, but I knew that's not what she had in mind. I got a night where my boss, my mother's friend, a close friend of mine, and my dad (I didn't mention my parents are divorced) came over. I could not have chosen a stranger group of people to have at a party, especially since my parents aren't on very good terms and you have to consider my mom had divulged all her quips about my dad to my boss (who is also a friend of my mother's) and my mom's friend. So yeah, I got $2000 going towards a car, more money, ate cake, and that was over.
You expect being 18 is to have people saying, "YEAH YOU CAN VOTE, YEAH you can smoke, YEAH you can legally watch pornography!" but that isn't how it goes down here. It's strange but my 11 year old brother constantly degrades me. I kind of accept it now and have come to the conclusion that no matter what I do, I will always be a failure to him, but whatever (side note: this all sounds terribly depressing and as if I'm hopeless, and maybe I am, but remember I'm just venting a lot). His usual line is, "you don't have any friends, you're fat, you don't have a car, get a real job, you don't even have your licence, ANDDDDD you're a ******." (note: I am or was all of those except the censored word which rhymes with maggot). And my mother too, with the usual responsibility line, which has had new life breathed into it ever since I turned 18.
So, I graduate. Graduation is a lot like my 18th birthday only reversed, with my parent's relatives outnumbering her. Obligatory *****ing for 2 days afterwards by my mother.
And then my car. I actually got it like 3 weeks ago. Also forgot to mention the part where I got my licence but I can't be bothered to go back and fit it in.
So we're left here. It's mid-July, my friend (I really do only have one good, good friend) is going off to college in a little more than a month, and I'm stuck on my own, really. I know I will get a better job, but my main concern is school. I have more or less accepted my fate of community college. Will I see people I used to know? I hope not. I just know that I can only look forward now...even though I can turn my head side-to-side and I sure as hell can turn around and look back if I want.
I'm writing this as an 18 year old who has recently completed high school. While I've had these thoughts for the past 6 months or so, I kind of just want to vent and write down my feelings about these last few months. Also I'm not looking for advice or responses. I just want the feeling that maybe someone will read this, and of course the nice feel of getting stuff off your chest
--
At the beginning of December last year, I was still a child. That sounds strange to say, but I truly was. I didn't have a driving licence, a "good" job, and had not even applied for college yet because I didn't need to. That is something I was pretty ashamed about and it made me feel pretty inadequate for more than it should have back then. It's not like I didn't have the grades-- I was a 3.2 GPA student. That isn't exactly great, I know, but even still, friends who had worse grades than me, scored less than me on the ACT, etc. were getting into decent colleges or universities.
My parents never really asked me what I was interested in, and I still don't know what I want to do. The stupid, mandated personality tests that we took showed I may be interested in health care. I scoff at that now though, as I know I would freaking hate to be a part of that system. Anyway, one day my father asked me-- no, that's being generous, told me that I was going to have to go to community college. Money, you know. That crushed my spirits, it really did. Every time I heard my peers brag about what college they got into, I kind of just withdrew. One of the questions I dreaded the most was, "What college are you going to?"
I dreaded it for a reason. I'm not one that thinks people ask questions to make conversation. Hold on, let me build you a picture of how I think most people see me. Smart, nice, quiet and reserved. Has gotten good grades all his life and isn't troublesome. So, what do you think people expect the response to be from me for that question? Michigan State? U of M? Western Michigan, Eastern Michigan, Central Michigan? Kalamazoo? Nah, it's community college. I consider myself to be pretty good at reading people's reactions, and every time I answered that question I knew they were disappointed. And it's awkward, and it hurts because you know they're wondering, "what happened?" And after you answer that question, you're asked about prom, and graduation, and what kind of party you're going to have. But really, after I answered no, it's whatever, and I'm not going to have a party, I felt people were starting to see what I am. An awkward recluse who's afraid of social functions.
So yeah, there I was. My 18th birthday was approaching soon and I insisted that a party didn't need to be held for me. My mom said ok, but I knew that's not what she had in mind. I got a night where my boss, my mother's friend, a close friend of mine, and my dad (I didn't mention my parents are divorced) came over. I could not have chosen a stranger group of people to have at a party, especially since my parents aren't on very good terms and you have to consider my mom had divulged all her quips about my dad to my boss (who is also a friend of my mother's) and my mom's friend. So yeah, I got $2000 going towards a car, more money, ate cake, and that was over.
You expect being 18 is to have people saying, "YEAH YOU CAN VOTE, YEAH you can smoke, YEAH you can legally watch pornography!" but that isn't how it goes down here. It's strange but my 11 year old brother constantly degrades me. I kind of accept it now and have come to the conclusion that no matter what I do, I will always be a failure to him, but whatever (side note: this all sounds terribly depressing and as if I'm hopeless, and maybe I am, but remember I'm just venting a lot). His usual line is, "you don't have any friends, you're fat, you don't have a car, get a real job, you don't even have your licence, ANDDDDD you're a ******." (note: I am or was all of those except the censored word which rhymes with maggot). And my mother too, with the usual responsibility line, which has had new life breathed into it ever since I turned 18.
So, I graduate. Graduation is a lot like my 18th birthday only reversed, with my parent's relatives outnumbering her. Obligatory *****ing for 2 days afterwards by my mother.
And then my car. I actually got it like 3 weeks ago. Also forgot to mention the part where I got my licence but I can't be bothered to go back and fit it in.
So we're left here. It's mid-July, my friend (I really do only have one good, good friend) is going off to college in a little more than a month, and I'm stuck on my own, really. I know I will get a better job, but my main concern is school. I have more or less accepted my fate of community college. Will I see people I used to know? I hope not. I just know that I can only look forward now...even though I can turn my head side-to-side and I sure as hell can turn around and look back if I want.
