Link to original post: [drupal=868]Breaking Point[/drupal]
This may be a little rant-y, so just bear with me.
My life for the past few months has been...unsatisfactory, to say the least. There are definitely people worse off than I am, but I feel like I'm perpetually stressed out. I feel like there's ALWAYS something hanging over my head, ALWAYS something to worry about, ALWAYS something to reflect back on and cringe at.
It all really comes down to my procrastination. I used to be SO good about procrastinating...I never used to do it at all. After all, it's stupid, pointless, and causes you more harm than good. Not just putting things off, but procrastinating. While I may want to go off and play my 360 or my SNES, if I've got things that need to get done, I'll force myself to not do those things until I'm done. But then I end up scrolling through funny picture for an hour, or watching TV for a few hours, or doing something else wholly unsatisfying but at the same time letting me put my work off. I'd be better off just doing what I actually want to do, but then I'd REALLY never do what I need to do and I won't be able to bring myself to it.
What causes my procrastination, most likely, is the fact that I'm so stressed out so I don't want to give myself more stress and would prefer to relax, which is ultimately an oxymoron because it actually causes me more stress. Every night I go to bed later, which gets me more sleep-deprived. I've lost so much sleep at this point I'd probably have to sleep for two days straight to catch up, and I hate sleeping as it is (I feel it wastes my time too much) so that will never happen even if the occasion to do that arises. So I feel like absolute **** waking up in the morning, which doesn't start my day well. One day it'll likely cause me to be late. And throughout my day, I feel like I'm going to fall asleep because of my sleep deprivation. Plus, if I don't get more sleep, I'm very prone to having a heart attack, which only worries me more.
Then there's the actual substance. There's an overwhelming amount of things I have to get done -- most of them not very soon, but soon enough that I am stressed out knowing they need to get done. Then I put them off until the last minute so I find myself losing sleep getting them done at the last minute.
But there're the smaller things as well. My stress and lack of sleep causes me to forget things, in ways such as leaving things places, or not doing things right, misinterpreting something altogether...it just makes it worse.
It's impossible for me to even say the root of all of this, though. Procrastination is what's keeping it going, but at the same time, stress causes me to procrastinate, which causes stress in turn, which makes it a circle. Lack of sleep adds to stress, and that lack of sleep is partially caused by procrastination. Everything going in my life gives me cause to procrastinate, or I would have nothing to put off. Everything's to blame, which only makes it harder to tackle.
The best thing for me to do would be to fix my procrastination, but I just...can't. I've tried forcing myself to work on what I need to, but it only ends up happening once every blue moon. I've tried giving myself something as a reward when I finish things, but it still doesn't work. I know how disastrous the effects of procrastination are. I know how much happier I'd be if I got things done ahead of time. Despite knowing that I'm screwing myself over, I'm not fixing it. It's almost as if I'm just self-destructive.
Even at the moment, I'm being a big self-destructive. The reason I felt it was worth staying up an extra 20 or 30 minutes to write this was because ranting about it in this blog will hopefully help me think about it more critically and fix it, or at least relieve some stress. Hopefully in the long run, I'll be right that the positive effects outweigh the negative effects.
So the title is "Breaking Point" because...well, I'm just about at my breaking point. I'm going to have a mental breakdown yet, I already have a mini one about once a week. And this whole situation has totally skewed my life. I don't ever feel truly happy or relaxed because I've always got something to remember to weigh my spirits down again. Normally this time of year, I'm excited for the holidays; I'm in a happy mood, in a cheery spirit. But not this year. I am looking forward to the holidays, but it's mostly because I feel they can be an escape from all of the crap surrounding me at the moment. Which in turn makes me feel worse...everything's just redundant. I'm stressed as a result of being stressed...it's ridiculous.
I know this was a long read, so I thank anyone who read the entire thing.
This may be a little rant-y, so just bear with me.
My life for the past few months has been...unsatisfactory, to say the least. There are definitely people worse off than I am, but I feel like I'm perpetually stressed out. I feel like there's ALWAYS something hanging over my head, ALWAYS something to worry about, ALWAYS something to reflect back on and cringe at.
It all really comes down to my procrastination. I used to be SO good about procrastinating...I never used to do it at all. After all, it's stupid, pointless, and causes you more harm than good. Not just putting things off, but procrastinating. While I may want to go off and play my 360 or my SNES, if I've got things that need to get done, I'll force myself to not do those things until I'm done. But then I end up scrolling through funny picture for an hour, or watching TV for a few hours, or doing something else wholly unsatisfying but at the same time letting me put my work off. I'd be better off just doing what I actually want to do, but then I'd REALLY never do what I need to do and I won't be able to bring myself to it.
What causes my procrastination, most likely, is the fact that I'm so stressed out so I don't want to give myself more stress and would prefer to relax, which is ultimately an oxymoron because it actually causes me more stress. Every night I go to bed later, which gets me more sleep-deprived. I've lost so much sleep at this point I'd probably have to sleep for two days straight to catch up, and I hate sleeping as it is (I feel it wastes my time too much) so that will never happen even if the occasion to do that arises. So I feel like absolute **** waking up in the morning, which doesn't start my day well. One day it'll likely cause me to be late. And throughout my day, I feel like I'm going to fall asleep because of my sleep deprivation. Plus, if I don't get more sleep, I'm very prone to having a heart attack, which only worries me more.
Then there's the actual substance. There's an overwhelming amount of things I have to get done -- most of them not very soon, but soon enough that I am stressed out knowing they need to get done. Then I put them off until the last minute so I find myself losing sleep getting them done at the last minute.
But there're the smaller things as well. My stress and lack of sleep causes me to forget things, in ways such as leaving things places, or not doing things right, misinterpreting something altogether...it just makes it worse.
It's impossible for me to even say the root of all of this, though. Procrastination is what's keeping it going, but at the same time, stress causes me to procrastinate, which causes stress in turn, which makes it a circle. Lack of sleep adds to stress, and that lack of sleep is partially caused by procrastination. Everything going in my life gives me cause to procrastinate, or I would have nothing to put off. Everything's to blame, which only makes it harder to tackle.
The best thing for me to do would be to fix my procrastination, but I just...can't. I've tried forcing myself to work on what I need to, but it only ends up happening once every blue moon. I've tried giving myself something as a reward when I finish things, but it still doesn't work. I know how disastrous the effects of procrastination are. I know how much happier I'd be if I got things done ahead of time. Despite knowing that I'm screwing myself over, I'm not fixing it. It's almost as if I'm just self-destructive.
Even at the moment, I'm being a big self-destructive. The reason I felt it was worth staying up an extra 20 or 30 minutes to write this was because ranting about it in this blog will hopefully help me think about it more critically and fix it, or at least relieve some stress. Hopefully in the long run, I'll be right that the positive effects outweigh the negative effects.
So the title is "Breaking Point" because...well, I'm just about at my breaking point. I'm going to have a mental breakdown yet, I already have a mini one about once a week. And this whole situation has totally skewed my life. I don't ever feel truly happy or relaxed because I've always got something to remember to weigh my spirits down again. Normally this time of year, I'm excited for the holidays; I'm in a happy mood, in a cheery spirit. But not this year. I am looking forward to the holidays, but it's mostly because I feel they can be an escape from all of the crap surrounding me at the moment. Which in turn makes me feel worse...everything's just redundant. I'm stressed as a result of being stressed...it's ridiculous.
I know this was a long read, so I thank anyone who read the entire thing.
