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Bird in a Cage

Florida

イーグランツ
Joined
Jul 1, 2007
Messages
1,184
Major update. This is a story I'm working on in my spare time, just for fun. I have a lot of ideas, and this single story is really motivating me into becoming an author. Tell me what you think, please. What you're seeing is a segment of the first chapter. Note: honestly, it's easier to follow in Microsoft Word D:.

SNOW WAS BEING blasted in each direction, obscuring all objects from view. Nothing could be heard over the fierce, howling winds. Light was rejected by the raging squalls which cast their white clots to blot out the sun, leaving the top of Mount Tasan engulfed in a faint darkness. The temperature continued to drop excessively, freezing over anything that hinted at warmth… The storm raged on, growing stronger as the hours passed…

Aleta dragged her feet for another step, leaving a thin scrape in the snow which the wind swiftly took away. Aleta was a young, beautiful woman: She was slim and stood at five foot and eight inches; her long, silky hair was a light shade of auburn that shone even in a distorting blizzard such as this; her face was long and lean, perfect with no blemishes or scars and full with a peachy color; her nose was straight, small, and slightly pointed; her eyebrows were thin and narrow; her eyelashes were long and dark; her eyes glowed a bright blue that twinkled proudly; and her straight, spotless teeth sparkled a terrific white that would not dare blend with the surrounding snow.

Aleta cursed at the chill and the winds and the intensity of the storm as she was barely able to follow her companion through the extreme situation.

“Michael!” she called. “Michael, let’s go back! The storm is too much!”

No response was heard. Aleta watched as Michael kept advancing through the storm, oblivious to her plead. She rushed to get closer to him, but the wind took advantage: Its strong gusts pushed Aleta back, forcing her to the ground.

“Michael!” Aleta called again. Her soft and high-pitched voice could not travel far before being thrashed by the piercing winds.

Michael was barely visible now; slowly he began to vanish, hidden behind the massive clutters of snow. Aleta pushed herself up, struggling to beat the violent blizzard. Stumbling as she took steps forward, she hoped to somehow catch up to him.

“Michael!” once more she cried out, and once more there was no reply.

The rampage of the snow kept Aleta from keeping her eyes open for more than a few seconds. Her progress forward was slow and altogether pointless: For each step she took, she had to make an effort to escape her feet from the deep cave-ins that the snow happily designed for her. What is more is that the several coats, shirts, pants, underwear, socks, gloves, scarves, and the thick and uncomfortable boots she wore made sticking close to Michael difficult, but they have been keeping her content up until now.

With her clothes she felt as stiff and inflexible as a petrified tree; she was a penguin trying to fly in the scorching heat of the desert.

Quickly Aleta gained distance from Michael, who further disappeared as the deafening snowstorm continued. Aleta watched from afar as his dark figure grew more and more transparent. Soon enough, Michael could not be seen; the snow covered his previous, faint silhouette completely, leaving Aleta lost in the cold, dark blizzard.

“MICHAEL!” Aleta bawled with all of her effort. The sharpness of her scream scratched her throat, causing her to follow with hurtful coughing.

Her cry could not be heard. With no reply, instantly she felt trapped, alone, and scared. She was quick to cry, although the freezing gales did not allow tears to emerge from her eyes. Overtaken, she fell, or rather, she sat, to expose the light layer of long underwear at her lower back to the icy, bitter snow. Her spine jumped at the sudden coldness, and the snow was slow-going to melt and slide down to reach the area that she really hoped would be covered well enough… Angrily, Aleta hurried to stand, but instead slipped and planted her face in the snow.

Freezing, wet, afraid, lonely, and lost, Aleta felt the cold numbness quickly overtake her body. Now there was not an area where she could not feel the suppressing freeze of the snow. She stood back up, by doing so in a smooth and steady way this time, and locked her hands in her armpits to try and keep them warm, but the frigid snowstorm was now a king of cold: Her body shivering rapidly and her teeth shattering uncontrollably, Aleta lost all feeling.

It was not long before when Michael and she set off into this blizzard, so even though she could not see it, Aleta knew that the warm, comfortable shack where she and Michael were staying was waiting for her not far from where she was. Feeling as though she had no other option, Aleta turned to the direction she thought to be backward, and hurried off clumsily to find her shack.

Fighting against the storm grew exceedingly more challenging: Aleta no longer had the will or tolerance to put up with the freeze and the loud winds and the flying chunks of ice hitting her every instant. She found herself constantly tripping over hidden rocks and running into invisible trees; she was dependant on Michael for leading her on a safe path before. Where is Michael? she thought. Did he forget about me? Is he sitting in a cozy chair eating hot soup next to a warm fire at the base, while I’m out here getting frostbite?

She truthfully knew that Michael was perfectly aware of her absence and was searching for her at that very moment, or at least, she hoped as much. He might have even made it to base in order to have a searching party come out and look for her. She just simply felt the need to cast an emotion or two of anger toward him for convincing her to come with him on his insane expedition to begin with.

As she awkwardly advanced through the blizzard, while continuing to think negative thoughts, a sudden and overwhelming outburst of wind slammed against the resisting Aleta. She threw her arms in front of her, and leaned forward with as much of her strength she could provide. Without the wind she would have fallen forward flatly, but she was supported and overpowered. In moments of wasteful contest, Aleta was easily thrown over, and vast amounts of snow prolonged to pile on her. Each time that she would try to stand or sit back up, a giant, flying patch of snow would smack her back to the ground. She yelled and cried as she was being taken by the snow.
 

Blackadder

Smash Master
Joined
Jun 17, 2007
Messages
3,164
Location
Purple
Hey Egruntz, nice story.
This story prequel was....actually better than I initially expected.
Normally I don't gun for this type of stories, but I'll sub to this one just fine!

On one note, I would just change things like:
"The wind took advantage" to something like "The wind seemed to take advantage of her light body" or similar.

*Subs*
 

Sariku

Smash Master
Joined
May 24, 2007
Messages
4,384
Location
Biloxi, Mississippi
...I'm sorry... I really couldn't feel this story. Why? For the same reason I say a lot of things are : Generic.

Most all stories start with a mysterious setting with winds blowing and such. Snow was a different story, you was unique in that aspect. But I couldn't feel this as I knew most of it was coming, just by how many other stories are written.

Can I do better? Maybe, maybe not. But I really couldn't feel this story oh to well.

I'd be willing to possibly read the next part if you make it, but only if I find what I'm looking for.

Nice whack at it none-the-less.
 

Florida

イーグランツ
Joined
Jul 1, 2007
Messages
1,184
Hmm... Interesting.

But maybe a more suitable title would be: "Cage in a bird" No?
That'd be painful :urg:
Thanks for your comment!

Hey Egruntz, nice story.
This story prequel was....actually better than I initially expected.
Normally I don't gun for this type of stories, but I'll sub to this one just fine!

On one note, I would just change things like:
"The wind took advantage" to something like "The wind seemed to take advantage of her light body" or similar.

*Subs*
Much thanks Adder ^.^

...I'm sorry... I really couldn't feel this story. Why? For the same reason I say a lot of things are : Generic.

Most all stories start with a mysterious setting with winds blowing and such. Snow was a different story, you was unique in that aspect. But I couldn't feel this as I knew most of it was coming, just by how many other stories are written.

Can I do better? Maybe, maybe not. But I really couldn't feel this story oh to well.

I'd be willing to possibly read the next part if you make it, but only if I find what I'm looking for.

Nice whack at it none-the-less.
Generic? I think you've just gotten into a habit ^.^

I'm lost.

I have no clue what this is.
It's a story, mate :)

Thanks for the feedback!
Must... have... moar :O
 

Florida

イーグランツ
Joined
Jul 1, 2007
Messages
1,184
Nice preview. Very mysterious.
It really forces me to read the next chapter cause I wanna know where the screech came from.
Good job
Thank you very much! :)
I have a semi-sneak peak for you guys O.o
It comes from a future chapter.

??? said:
"Wh-what are you...?"

"I am but a bird, a bird trapped in this immobile cage... and you hold the key, to my freedom.."
Chapter one should be coming out soon.
... I think :urg:
 

Blackadder

Smash Master
Joined
Jun 17, 2007
Messages
3,164
Location
Purple
Hey, no advice, excpet, keep on going!!!!! Not bad, not bad at all (especcially if Blackadder says it isn't bad, lol) XD
Wait for Virg or Matt or Scav (If he does anything other than sleeping) to say it's great.
I'm not God, and I'm not that good a writer myself. :laugh:

But thanks, I guess. :)
 

Florida

イーグランツ
Joined
Jul 1, 2007
Messages
1,184
Hey, no advice, excpet, keep on going!!!!! Not bad, not bad at all (especcially if Blackadder says it isn't bad, lol) XD
Thank you SLB ^.^

Minor Update: I edited my preview, correcting some grammar and other mistakes such as that. Blackadder's been nagging me to continue on with the story, however I'm dealing with a major case of writer's block at the moment :urg:

Anyway, more soon! Thanks for the comments!
 

Florida

イーグランツ
Joined
Jul 1, 2007
Messages
1,184
Bump for justice. I edited the front post which now includes a major revision to what it used to be. Still looking for some criticism; I just got back into this project lol. Much appreciated.
 

Jam Stunna

Writer of Fortune
BRoomer
Joined
May 6, 2006
Messages
6,450
Location
Hartford, CT
3DS FC
0447-6552-1484
SNOW WAS BEING blasted in each direction, obscuring all objects from view. Nothing could be heard over the fierce, howling winds. Light was rejected by the raging squalls which cast their white clots to blot out the sun, leaving the top of Mount Tasan engulfed in a faint darkness. The temperature continued to drop excessively, freezing over anything that hinted at warmth… The storm raged on, growing stronger as the hours passed…

Aleta dragged her feet for another step, leaving a thin scrape in the snow which the wind swiftly took away. Aleta was a young, beautiful woman: She was slim and stood at five foot and eight inches; her long, silky hair was a light shade of auburn that shone even in a distorting blizzard such as this; her face was long and lean, perfect with no blemishes or scars and full with a peachy color; her nose was straight, small, and slightly pointed; her eyebrows were thin and narrow; her eyelashes were long and dark; her eyes glowed a bright blue that twinkled proudly; and her straight, spotless teeth sparkled a terrific white that would not dare blend with the surrounding snow.

Aleta cursed at the chill and the winds and the intensity of the storm as she was barely able to follow her companion through the extreme situation.

“Michael!” she called. “Michael, let’s go back! The storm is too much!”

No response was heard. Aleta watched as Michael kept advancing through the storm, oblivious to her plead. She rushed to get closer to him, but the wind took advantage: Its strong gusts pushed Aleta back, forcing her to the ground.

“Michael!” Aleta called again. Her soft and high-pitched voice could not travel far before being thrashed by the piercing winds.

Michael was barely visible now; slowly he began to vanish, hidden behind the massive clutters of snow. Aleta pushed herself up, struggling to beat the violent blizzard. Stumbling as she took steps forward, she hoped to somehow catch up to him.

“Michael!” once more she cried out, and once more there was no reply.

The rampage of the snow kept Aleta from keeping her eyes open for more than a few seconds. Her progress forward was slow and altogether pointless: For each step she took, she had to make an effort to escape her feet from the deep cave-ins that the snow happily designed for her. What is more is that the several coats, shirts, pants, underwear, socks, gloves, scarves, and the thick and uncomfortable boots she wore made sticking close to Michael difficult, but they have been keeping her content up until now.

With her clothes she felt as stiff and inflexible as a petrified tree; she was a penguin trying to fly in the scorching heat of the desert.

Quickly Aleta gained distance from Michael, who further disappeared as the deafening snowstorm continued. Aleta watched from afar as his dark figure grew more and more transparent. Soon enough, Michael could not be seen; the snow covered his previous, faint silhouette completely, leaving Aleta lost in the cold, dark blizzard.

“MICHAEL!” Aleta bawled with all of her effort. The sharpness of her scream scratched her throat, causing her to follow with hurtful coughing.

Her cry could not be heard. With no reply, instantly she felt trapped, alone, and scared. She was quick to cry, although the freezing gales did not allow tears to emerge from her eyes. Overtaken, she fell, or rather, she sat, to expose the light layer of long underwear at her lower back to the icy, bitter snow. Her spine jumped at the sudden coldness, and the snow was slow-going to melt and slide down to reach the area that she really hoped would be covered well enough… Angrily, Aleta hurried to stand, but instead slipped and planted her face in the snow.

Freezing, wet, afraid, lonely, and lost, Aleta felt the cold numbness quickly overtake her body. Now there was not an area where she could not feel the suppressing freeze of the snow. She stood back up, by doing so in a smooth and steady way this time, and locked her hands in her armpits to try and keep them warm, but the frigid snowstorm was now a king of cold: Her body shivering rapidly and her teeth shattering uncontrollably. Aleta lost all feeling.

It was not long before when Michael and she set off into this blizzard., so even though she could not see it, Aleta knew that the warm, comfortable shack where she and Michael were staying was waiting for her not far from where she was. Feeling as though she had no other option, Aleta turned to the direction she thought to be backward, and hurried off clumsily to find her shack.

Fighting against the storm grew exceedingly more challenging: Aleta no longer had the will or tolerance to put up with the freeze and the loud winds and the flying chunks of ice hitting her every instant. She found herself constantly tripping over hidden rocks and running into invisible trees; she was dependant on Michael for leading her on a safe path before. Where is Michael? she thought. Did he forget about me? Is he sitting in a cozy chair eating hot soup next to a warm fire at the base, while I’m out here getting frostbite?

She truthfully knew that Michael was perfectly aware of her absence and was searching for her at that very moment, or at least, she hoped as much. He might have even made it to base in order to have a searching party come out and look for her. She just simply felt the need to cast an emotion or two of anger felt anger toward him for convincing her to come with him on his insane expedition to begin with.

As she awkwardly advanced through the blizzard, while continuing to think negative thoughts, a sudden and overwhelming outburst of wind slammed against the resisting Aleta. She threw her arms in front of her, and leaned forward with as much of her strength she could provide. Without the wind she would have fallen forward flatly, but she was supported and overpowered. In moments of wasteful contest, Aleta was easily thrown over, and vast amounts of snow prolonged to pile on her. Each time that she would try to stand or sit back up, a giant, flying patch of snow would smack her back to the ground. She yelled and cried as she was being taken by the snow.
I just gave this a cursory read. To borrow a phrase from my friend Crimson King, "Verbs tell a story; adjectives quantify it." All I did here is cut out every unnecessary descriptive word or phrase that I came across. As you can see, there are alot of them. Keep that in mind as you do revisions in the future.

This is well-written, but there is too much repetition and too many words overall. This entire scene could have been written in half the space. I want you to re-read what you have while omitting the sections I've crossed out, and ask yourself if I've obscured what you were trying to say. In case you don't want to read over all that orange text, here it is, with a few additional changes:

SNOW WAS BEING blasted in each direction, obscuring all objects from view. Nothing could be heard over the howling winds. Light was rejected by the raging squalls which cast their white clots to blot out the sun, leaving the top of Mount Tasan engulfed in darkness. The temperature continued to drop , freezing over anything that hinted at warmth… The storm raged on, growing stronger as the hours passed…

Aleta dragged her feet for another step, leaving a thin scrape in the snow which the wind took away. Aleta was a young, beautiful woman: She was slim and stood at five foot and eight inches; her long, silky hair was a light shade of auburn that shone even in a distorting blizzard such as this; her face was long and lean, perfect with no blemishes.

Aleta cursed at the chill and the winds as she was barely able to follow her companion through the extreme situation.

“Michael!” she called. “Michael, let’s go back! The storm is too much!”

No response was heard. Aleta watched as Michael kept advancing through the storm, oblivious to her plead. She rushed to get closer to him, but the wind took advantage: Its strong gusts pushed Aleta back, forcing her to the ground.

“Michael!” Aleta called again. Her high-pitched voice could not travel far before being thrashed by the winds.

Michael was barely visible now; slowly he began to vanish, hidden behind the massive clutters of snow. Aleta pushed herself up, struggling to beat the blizzard. Stumbling forward, she hoped to somehow catch up to him.

“Michael!” once more she cried out, and once more there was no reply.

With her clothes she felt as stiff and inflexible as a petrified tree; she was a penguin trying to fly in the scorching heat of the desert.

“MICHAEL!” Aleta bawled with all of her effort. The sharpness of her scream scratched her throat, causing her to follow with hurtful coughing.

Her cry could not be heard. She was quick to cry, although the freezing gales did not allow tears to emerge from her eyes.
Freezing and lost, Aleta felt the numbness overtake her body. Shivering rapidly and her teeth shattering uncontrollably, Aleta lost all feeling.

It was not long before when Michael and she set off into this blizzard. Aleta knew that the warm, comfortable shack where she and Michael were staying was waiting for her not far from where she was. Feeling as though she had no other option, Aleta turned to the direction she thought to be backward, and hurried off clumsily to find her shack.

Fighting against the storm grew more challenging. Aleta no longer had the will to put up with the freeze and the loud winds and the flying chunks of ice hitting her every instant. She found herself constantly tripping over hidden rocks and running into invisible trees. She was dependent on Michael for leading her on a safe path before. Where is Michael? she thought. Did he forget about me? Is he sitting in a cozy chair eating hot soup next to a warm fire at the base, while I’m out here getting frostbite?

She truthfully knew that Michael was perfectly aware of her absence and was searching for her at that very moment, or at least, she hoped as much. He might have even made it to base in order to have a searching party come out and look for her. She was angry at him for convincing her to come with him on his insane expedition to begin with.

As she awkwardly advanced through the blizzard, a sudden burst of wind slammed against Aleta. She threw her arms in front of her, and leaned forward with as much of her strength she could provide. Without the wind she would have fallen forward flatly, but she was supported and overpowered. Each time that she would try to stand or sit back up, a giant, flying patch of snow would smack her back to the ground. She yelled and cried as she was being taken by the snow.
Doesn't that read faster? Doesn't it look cleaner? I barely changed anything you wrote, all I did was cut out the massive amounts of fluff. You've now gotten your story across without boring the reader in the process. Also, watch out for your word choice. Does anyone say, "I feel anger towards Michael!" No, they say, "I'm angry at Michael!" I think that's the only sentence that I re-wrote. Write in a way that people speak, otherwise the voice in the reader's head will sound unnatural.
 

Alphicans

Smash Hero
Joined
Jul 11, 2007
Messages
9,291
Location
Edmonton, AB
Reading the comments from a year ago, it looks like you improved the story quite a bit. Personally I think there are to many adjectives. However, this is coming from someone who tries to make everything as consice as possible, so don't take my word 100%. Othere than that I enjoyed it, and I would like to see other parts to it.

EDIT: It seems Jam Stunna and I share a common belief :)
 

Florida

イーグランツ
Joined
Jul 1, 2007
Messages
1,184
I agree that there are many adjectives and descriptions for such a short read, but that is sort of what I am going for. "Show, don't tell." I am really trying to stretch out the read to give a clear image in the mind of the readers. You crossed out "a faint" at the beginning paragraph, but if you do not leave that in, then people will get a different idea of what type the darkness is. Pitch black? A little light? Could you see that rock in front of you? I was going for faint to be clear and pithy.

Overtaken, she fell, or rather, she sat, to expose the light layer of long underwear at her lower back to the icy, bitter snow. Her spine jumped at the sudden coldness, and the snow was slow-going to melt and slide down to reach the area that she really hoped would be covered well enough… Angrily, Aleta hurried to stand, but instead slipped and planted her face in the snow.
I would like to know what is wrong with this paragraph. This is just another example of "show don't tell" that I'm trying to get out there. Instead of saying "Aleta was frustrated, cold, and numb," I actually showed that in the paragraph and explained how she came to be so numb and cold. Also there is some humor, and a little humor is totally necessary here or there in any type of story, haha.

Aleta dragged her feet for another step, leaving a thin scrape in the snow which the wind swiftly took away. Aleta was a young, beautiful woman: She was slim and stood at five foot and eight inches; her long, silky hair was a light shade of auburn that shone even in a distorting blizzard such as this; her face was long and lean, perfect with no blemishes or scars and full with a peachy color; her nose was straight, small, and slightly pointed; her eyebrows were thin and narrow; her eyelashes were long and dark; her eyes glowed a bright blue that twinkled proudly; and her straight, spotless teeth sparkled a terrific white that would not dare blend with the surrounding snow.
Another "show don't tell" situation. Isn't being incredibly descriptive on one's appearance much better than just saying "she was beautiful?" But I agree that my description was an amazing bore here, and this is one of the things that I was hoping to get help on. I don't want to be vague, but I don't want to be too "she had one freckle on the top right corner of her puffy, red cheeks" either.

Aleta dragged her feet for another step, leaving a thin scrape in the snow which the wind swiftly took away. Aleta was a young, beautiful woman: She was slim and stood at five foot and eight inches; her long, silky hair was a light shade of auburn that shone even in a distorting blizzard such as this; her face was long and lean, perfect with no blemishes or scars and full with a peachy color.
Is this enough for an opening description, and perhaps I can get more into detail with her eye color and what not later on?

The rampage of the snow kept Aleta from keeping her eyes open for more than a few seconds. Her progress forward was slow and altogether pointless: For each step she took, she had to make an effort to escape her feet from the deep cave-ins that the snow happily designed for her. What is more is that the several coats, shirts, pants, underwear, socks, gloves, scarves, and the thick and uncomfortable boots she wore made sticking close to Michael difficult, but they have been keeping her content up until now.
Here I wanted to show the frustrating that Aleta is having here. People have been in the situation where they're in snow on some mountain, wearing tons of clothes and struggling to keep up with their group because of the snow is so deep. I wanted to add something that people could relate to, so they could know what the character in the story was feeling.

Quickly Aleta gained distance from Michael, who further disappeared as the deafening snowstorm continued. Aleta watched from afar as his dark figure grew more and more transparent. Soon enough, Michael could not be seen; the snow covered his previous, faint silhouette completely, leaving Aleta lost in the cold, dark blizzard.
I haven't mentioned anywhere else that Michael vanished from view besides here. Should I not let that be known, and sort of lead the readers to assume that Aleta lost view from him?

Also, watch out for your word choice. Does anyone say, "I feel anger towards Michael!" No, they say, "I'm angry at Michael!" I think that's the only sentence that I re-wrote. Write in a way that people speak, otherwise the voice in the reader's head will sound unnatural.
And, I'm confused here. I never had Aleta say "I feel anger towards Michael." What she says thus far is completely natural. It's only my descriptions and narration that I tried to seem more professional, just so people can follow it easier.

Thanks for the help! I went through and took out the repetitive adjectives, but I kept in the parts that I felt really should stay. How does this read?

SNOW WAS BEING blasted in each direction, obscuring all objects from view. Nothing could be heard over the fierce, howling winds. Light was rejected by the raging squalls which cast their white clots to blot out the sun, leaving the top of Mount Tasan engulfed in a faint darkness. The temperature continued to drop, freezing over anything that hinted at warmth… The storm raged on, growing stronger as the hours passed…

Aleta dragged her feet for another step, leaving a thin scrape in the snow which the wind swiftly took away. Aleta was a young, beautiful woman: She was slim and stood at five foot and eight inches; her long, silky hair was a light shade of auburn that shone even in a distorting blizzard such as this; and her face was long and lean, perfect with no blemishes or scars and full with a peachy color.

Aleta cursed at the chill and the winds as she was barely able to follow her companion through the extreme situation.

“Michael!” she called. “Michael, let’s go back! The storm is too much!”

No response was heard. Aleta watched as Michael kept advancing through the storm, oblivious to her plead. She rushed to get closer to him, but the wind took advantage: Its strong gusts pushed Aleta back, forcing her to the ground.

“Michael!” Aleta called again. Her high-pitched voice could not travel far before being thrashed by the piercing winds.

Michael was barely visible now; slowly he began to vanish, hidden behind the massive clutters of snow. Aleta pushed herself up, struggling to beat the violent blizzard. Stumbling forward, she hoped to somehow catch up to him.

“Michael!” once more she cried out, and once more there was no reply.

The rampage of the snow kept Aleta from keeping her eyes open for more than a few seconds. Her progress forward was slow and altogether pointless: For each step she took, she had to make an effort to escape her feet from the deep cave-ins that the snow happily designed for her. What is more is that the several coats, shirts, pants, underwear, socks, gloves, scarves, and the thick and uncomfortable boots she wore made sticking close to Michael difficult, but they have been keeping her content up until now.

With her clothes she felt as stiff and inflexible as a petrified tree; she was a penguin trying to fly in the scorching heat of the desert.

Quickly Aleta gained distance from Michael, who further disappeared as the deafening snowstorm continued. Aleta watched from afar as his dark figure grew more and more transparent. Soon enough, Michael could not be seen; the snow covered his previous, faint silhouette completely, leaving Aleta lost in the cold, dark blizzard.

“MICHAEL!” Aleta bawled with all of her effort. The sharpness of her scream scratched her throat, causing her to follow with hurtful coughing.

Her cry could not be heard; instantly she felt trapped, alone, and scared. She was quick to cry, although the freezing gales did not allow tears to emerge from her eyes. Overtaken, she fell, or rather, she sat, to expose the light layer of long underwear at her lower back to the icy, bitter snow. Her spine jumped at the sudden coldness, and the snow was slow-going to melt and slide down to reach the area which she really hoped would be covered well enough… Angrily, Aleta hurried to stand, but instead slipped and planted her face in the snow.

Freezing, wet, afraid, lonely, and lost, Aleta felt the cold numbness overtake her body. Now there was not an area where she could not feel the suppressing freeze of the snow. She stood back up, by doing so in a smooth and steady way this time, and locked her hands in her armpits to try and keep them warm, but the frigid snowstorm was now a king of cold: Her body shivering rapidly and her teeth shattering uncontrollably, Aleta lost all feeling.

It was not long before when Michael and she set off into this blizzard, so even though she could not see it, Aleta knew that the warm, comfortable shack where she and Michael were staying was waiting for her not far from where she was. Feeling as though she had no other option, Aleta turned to the direction she thought to be backward, and hurried off clumsily to find her shack.

Fighting against the storm grew exceedingly more challenging: Aleta no longer had the will or tolerance to put up with the freeze and the loud winds and the flying chunks of ice hitting her every instant. She found herself constantly tripping over hidden rocks and running into invisible trees; she was dependant on Michael for leading her on a safe path before. Where’s Michael? she thought. Did he forget about me? Is he sitting in a cozy chair eating hot soup next to a warm fire at the base, while I’m out here getting frostbite?

She truthfully knew that Michael was perfectly aware of her absence and was searching for her at that very moment, or at least, she hoped as much; he might have even made it to base in order to have a searching party come out and look for her. She simply felt the need to cast an emotion or two of anger toward him for convincing her to come with him on his insane expedition to begin with.

As she awkwardly advanced through the blizzard, while continuing to think negative thoughts, a sudden and overwhelming outburst of wind slammed against Aleta. She threw her arms in front of her, and leaned forward with as much of her strength she could provide. Without the wind she would have fallen forward flatly, but she was supported and overpowered. In moments of wasteful contest, Aleta was easily thrown over, and vast amounts of snow prolonged to pile on her. Each time that she would try to stand or sit back up, a giant, flying patch of snow would smack her back to the ground. She yelled and cried as she was being taken by the snow.
EDIT: Thanks for the feedback, Alph.
 

Jam Stunna

Writer of Fortune
BRoomer
Joined
May 6, 2006
Messages
6,450
Location
Hartford, CT
3DS FC
0447-6552-1484
The thing is, there's nothing necessarily wrong with anything you've written, it's all well done. But there's a very clear line when a writer has gone from illustrating with details to bludgeoning with them.

The phrase "Show, don't tell" refers, once again, to verbs vs. adjectives. Take this example:

1) "I ran."

2) "I ran swiftly."

Do you really need that adjective there? Doesn't the reader assume that if a character is running, then that character is running fast? This is just redundant. You don't need adjectives to emphasize action; the action itself should be enough to convey your point. With verbs, you "show"; with adjectives, you "tell".

If you think that piling on adjectives illustrates your story better, then you're going to find that your writing becomes dense and wordy very quickly. Adjectives should be used sparingly. If it's not absolutely necessary, then leave them out. I see that you put this line back in your edit of your work:

Freezing, wet, afraid, lonely, and lost, Aleta felt the cold numbness overtake her body.
Okay. Let's color the words that convey essentially the same message the same:

Freezing, wet, afraid, lonely, and lost, Aleta felt the cold numbness overtake her body.
If you're in a blizzard, "Freezing" and "wet" mean the same thing. If you're "freezing" and "wet", the "cold numbness" is the same thing. "Afraid" and "alone", in the context of your story, mean the same thing.

Do you see what I'm getting at? Throwing descriptions at your reader does not lead to greater understanding if all you're doing is describing the same thing over and over. Give your reader some credit, they don't have to be spoon-fed the emotions you're trying to convey. You mentioned already that Aleta had lost Michael, so why mention it again? We already know she's afraid.

I like this sentence because it's the most clear-cut example of the problems with your style. Let's cut out all of the unnecessary and redundant ideas in this sentence, and see what we have. Once again, this is your version:

Freezing, wet, afraid, lonely, and lost, Aleta felt the cold numbness overtake her body.
14 words. Here is how I would edit it:

Aleta felt the cold numbness overtake her body.
8 words. All of the adjectives you used in this sentence have already been communicated by you at some other point in the story, so I took them all out. Now, let's read both lines in context. I'm including the line that immediately precedes and immediately follows the line in question. Here is yours:

Angrily, Aleta hurried to stand, but instead slipped and planted her face in the snow.

Freezing, wet, afraid, lonely, and lost, Aleta felt the cold numbness overtake her body. Now there was not an area where she could not feel the suppressing freeze of the snow.
Here is mine:

Angrily, Aleta hurried to stand, but instead slipped and planted her face in the snow.

Aleta felt the cold numbness overtake her body. Now there was not an area where she could not feel the suppressing freeze of the snow.
Have we really lost anything by removing the offending adjectives? I don't think so, and I think that my line is much stronger in context. The reader knows that snow is cold. Don't tell them that again and again.
 

Alphicans

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To be honest "cold numbness" should just be numbness. We know she's in a blizzard, so she's obviously cold. Plus there aren't many other ways to feel numbness. Pain can give numbess, obviously she isn't in excrutiating pain, in some cases happiness can cause numbness, you've already explained that she is sad, nausea can cause numbness, it's not evident that Aleta is feeling dizzy or sick, and sometimes sitting in one position can cause a lack of blood in an area, causing numbness, and Aleta hasn't been stuck for long enough for this to happen. Why am I analyzing this so thoroughly you may ask? For the sake of example, and to add on to Jam Stunna. Look through the story and find the redundancies, I know there a lot more, as I have read the story over and found a few.
 
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