Lightningboalt
Smash Rookie
- Joined
- Jul 9, 2008
- Messages
- 7
You all know Captain Falcon. If, for some near impossible reason, you've never heard of the good Captain, you are a very poor soul. I am here today to show just what makes the Captain so awesome.
Look at this^ picture, for example. This is photographic proof that Captain Falcon SINGLE-HANDEDLY created the universe with a mighty punch. Considering this, I'm surprised that we don't call him "God Falcon". His mighty punch created existence and therefore, all of us. For this reason alone, you should admire the Captain.
Gaze upon the heroic Captain, valiantly punching an indestructible beast. For most, this would result in death. Captain Falcon, on the other hand, left this battle unharmed. And look, he's wearing PINK. Most men would be ridiculed for wearing PINK. But not Captain Falcon.
Little-known fact: Captain Falcon invented Disco. Now, you may be saying "Hah! This PROVES that Captain Falcon isn't all he's cracked up to be! Disco was his invention, and it's DEAD!" Well, you may think it's dead, but Disco will never die. As shown by the Captain here, it's still alive seeing as he's doing it and the year is 2008.
Captain Falcon is also very patriotic. When he created the universe, he was in the spot where America formed. As such, he has an attachment to America. He decided to make a tribute to America, and this is it. He is saluting America AND Falcon Punching at the same time, IN DIFFERENT CLOTHES. How amazing is THAT? He was also nice enough to let a fellow Captain help him to perfect this scene. Olimar, knowing the greatness of Captain Falcon, was eager to help.
You've seen the Falcon Punch. This is Captain Falcon's other famous move, the Falcon Kick. The Punch (AKA the PAUNCH) has been known to erase people from existence. The Kick has been known to erase entire PLANETS from existence. It has also been known to give angels their wings.
It is said that Captain Falcon hails from Port Town. That is only partly true. Captain Falcon lives there, but he wasn't born there. He formed his manly body there using only his mind, chest hair, and the essence of manliness.
Captain Falcon has an evil clone, Blood Falcon. It is unknown who created him, but seeing as it is impossible for any mere mortal to clone the Captain, Captain Falcon himself must've done it. Why? To have someone who can actually fight with him without the fight being completely one-sided. The Captain loves a challenge.
This is the Captain's famous Knee of Justice. This move has been known to cause men to lose any and all manliness they have. If a woman is hit by it, it automatically impregnates them with a male baby who will become obscenely famous one day.
Finally, this is the Captain's specialized F-Zero machine, the Blue Falcon. It is the greatest racing machine EVER, in the entire history of the universe. In F-Zero games, it isn't the best, but that's because the developers have to nerf it, just as they did to the good Captain in every Smash game. If they didn't, everyone would complain about how unfair the game is because it would be IMPOSSIBLE to ever win.
There you have it. Just about EVERY reason you should admire the good captain. Because Captain Falcon is largely considered the worst character in the game, it shows just how heavily Sakurai had to nerf him to make the other characters worthwile. It took so much effort and data to nerf him that they had to remove the forbiden 7, playable Ridley, and 12 other characters. So whenever you play Brawl and you're upset that your favorite character isn't in the game, remember that if that character was in, he/she/it would automatically be in the garbage tier, along with everyone not named Captain Falcon.
Look at this^ picture, for example. This is photographic proof that Captain Falcon SINGLE-HANDEDLY created the universe with a mighty punch. Considering this, I'm surprised that we don't call him "God Falcon". His mighty punch created existence and therefore, all of us. For this reason alone, you should admire the Captain.
Gaze upon the heroic Captain, valiantly punching an indestructible beast. For most, this would result in death. Captain Falcon, on the other hand, left this battle unharmed. And look, he's wearing PINK. Most men would be ridiculed for wearing PINK. But not Captain Falcon.
Little-known fact: Captain Falcon invented Disco. Now, you may be saying "Hah! This PROVES that Captain Falcon isn't all he's cracked up to be! Disco was his invention, and it's DEAD!" Well, you may think it's dead, but Disco will never die. As shown by the Captain here, it's still alive seeing as he's doing it and the year is 2008.
Captain Falcon is also very patriotic. When he created the universe, he was in the spot where America formed. As such, he has an attachment to America. He decided to make a tribute to America, and this is it. He is saluting America AND Falcon Punching at the same time, IN DIFFERENT CLOTHES. How amazing is THAT? He was also nice enough to let a fellow Captain help him to perfect this scene. Olimar, knowing the greatness of Captain Falcon, was eager to help.
You've seen the Falcon Punch. This is Captain Falcon's other famous move, the Falcon Kick. The Punch (AKA the PAUNCH) has been known to erase people from existence. The Kick has been known to erase entire PLANETS from existence. It has also been known to give angels their wings.
It is said that Captain Falcon hails from Port Town. That is only partly true. Captain Falcon lives there, but he wasn't born there. He formed his manly body there using only his mind, chest hair, and the essence of manliness.
Captain Falcon has an evil clone, Blood Falcon. It is unknown who created him, but seeing as it is impossible for any mere mortal to clone the Captain, Captain Falcon himself must've done it. Why? To have someone who can actually fight with him without the fight being completely one-sided. The Captain loves a challenge.
This is the Captain's famous Knee of Justice. This move has been known to cause men to lose any and all manliness they have. If a woman is hit by it, it automatically impregnates them with a male baby who will become obscenely famous one day.
Finally, this is the Captain's specialized F-Zero machine, the Blue Falcon. It is the greatest racing machine EVER, in the entire history of the universe. In F-Zero games, it isn't the best, but that's because the developers have to nerf it, just as they did to the good Captain in every Smash game. If they didn't, everyone would complain about how unfair the game is because it would be IMPOSSIBLE to ever win.
There you have it. Just about EVERY reason you should admire the good captain. Because Captain Falcon is largely considered the worst character in the game, it shows just how heavily Sakurai had to nerf him to make the other characters worthwile. It took so much effort and data to nerf him that they had to remove the forbiden 7, playable Ridley, and 12 other characters. So whenever you play Brawl and you're upset that your favorite character isn't in the game, remember that if that character was in, he/she/it would automatically be in the garbage tier, along with everyone not named Captain Falcon.
