To the Person Who Said They Weren’t Going to Eat Any Pizza When We Ordered it and Thus Didn’t Pay For it but then Ate the Last Slices Anyway
By Ryan M. Gates
At night your power will go out, forcing you to wake up several hours late to a cold shower.
When you step out you are greeted by the coyote that invaded your house the previous night.
You are able to somehow throw it off you and it scampers away, leaving you to look at its wake.
All of your valuables in your house were destroyed by it, but your answering machine is still intact.
You play the two messages – one is your boss firing you, the other your girlfriend breaking up with you.
Disheartened and bruised, you leave your house to go to the hospital and find your car has been stolen.
You begin to walk but are introduced to the speeding truck of a bunch of rednecks, drunk at 11 am.
Your arms are caught in the undercarriage and you spend the next hour being dragged along asphalt.
The asphalt drag only ends when you begin to be dragged along a gravel road for the next two hours.
Then one of the rednecks gets the brilliant idea to recreate the Dukes of Hazzard by jumping a gorge.
The others, in a meth-induced stupor, agree and crank the Lynrd Skynrd while heading for a cliff.
Once the back wheels of the car are free, gravity tightens its grip on you only to drag you down to Earth.
Waiting for you at the bottom are a series of sharp, jagged, serrated rocks ready to make anyone shreds,
A river rich in toxins from being near a chemical plant whose waters are more likely to kill than nourish,
And a horde of ravenous, mutated, two-headed alligators who eat all they find with their knife-teeth
And thus have consumed the rest of the local ecosystem (the sewer system empties out here).
But just as you are about to collide with the rocks below, sealing your body to the alligator,
A malignant tumor that was ignored by the doctors on your crappy cheapass health plan,
Stops your heart.
By Ryan M. Gates
At night your power will go out, forcing you to wake up several hours late to a cold shower.
When you step out you are greeted by the coyote that invaded your house the previous night.
You are able to somehow throw it off you and it scampers away, leaving you to look at its wake.
All of your valuables in your house were destroyed by it, but your answering machine is still intact.
You play the two messages – one is your boss firing you, the other your girlfriend breaking up with you.
Disheartened and bruised, you leave your house to go to the hospital and find your car has been stolen.
You begin to walk but are introduced to the speeding truck of a bunch of rednecks, drunk at 11 am.
Your arms are caught in the undercarriage and you spend the next hour being dragged along asphalt.
The asphalt drag only ends when you begin to be dragged along a gravel road for the next two hours.
Then one of the rednecks gets the brilliant idea to recreate the Dukes of Hazzard by jumping a gorge.
The others, in a meth-induced stupor, agree and crank the Lynrd Skynrd while heading for a cliff.
Once the back wheels of the car are free, gravity tightens its grip on you only to drag you down to Earth.
Waiting for you at the bottom are a series of sharp, jagged, serrated rocks ready to make anyone shreds,
A river rich in toxins from being near a chemical plant whose waters are more likely to kill than nourish,
And a horde of ravenous, mutated, two-headed alligators who eat all they find with their knife-teeth
And thus have consumed the rest of the local ecosystem (the sewer system empties out here).
But just as you are about to collide with the rocks below, sealing your body to the alligator,
A malignant tumor that was ignored by the doctors on your crappy cheapass health plan,
Stops your heart.
