A Legend of Zelda Story

[twilight_hero]

Hey, all, I've been working on this for a while, and I've decided to post it here. Please read, and respond. Once five people respond, I will update. If it needs work, please tell me how so. Dyce, rAt, Creo...I'd love to hear what you all have to say. Anyway, here goes...

Prologue
In the forgotten realm of Hyrule lies a beautiful forest. The denizens of this forest are a strange race: all children, eternally children. Each has his or her own guardian fairy. All but one. There is one boy who has no fairy. He has been having nightmares lately. He is tossing and turning in his sleep when a small golden fairy arrives.
The fairy tries futilely to wake him. He is not ugly, she muses. She has been observing him the past few days. He has messy blond hair, mostly covered by a green conical hat that hangs down below his shoulders most of the time. His wide blue eyes are partially obscured by what little hair hangs across his forehead. His nose is one of his most prominent features. His green tunic is washed every week, and is split by a bandolier that is draped from his left shoulder to the opposite hip. A sheath is belted on this bandolier, empty right now. A pair of leather boots sits next to his bed, and a belt is wrapped around them. There is a small sword lying on the floor next to the boots, and a wooden shield underneath. Again, she calls out to him. This time, whether he hears her or just chooses that moment to wake up, his eyes flutter open. He sits up, stretches, and yawns. Then he notices the fairy. He tilts his head to one side and asks a question. She smiles, although he cannot see this tiny gesture of affirmation, and replies that yes, she is his fairy.
He asks her name. “Navi,” she replies.
The boy picks up his sword and leaps to his feet. “No,” he breathes.
Navi is puzzled. “What do you mean?”
“I had a fairy once. Her name was Navi. You are definitely not her.” He shakes his head and swings his sword at her, deliberately missing to scare her off. She doesn’t know his intentions, though, and tries to dodge out of the way of the weapon. Instead, she flies into it. The flat of the blade smacks her. She flies through the air and slams into the wall. Her limp body topples to the ground.
The boy falls to his knees and stares at the body. The sword tumbles from his fingers. He prays to the three goddesses to help him through this, and he picks up “Navi’s” body. Then he walks out of his house in shock.

 

[Johnknight1]

Pretty good starting, the starting of a story is almost always what gets me [if not the ending]. XD The question is wat will it lead up to, it could very well have a nice lead up after a good start!

 

[twilight_hero]

Yeah, thanks. And trust me, it leads up to a lot.

 

[demoncaterpie]

This is kind of weird.

You switch perspectives too much. All of a sudden we know that fairies thoughts, than we know Link's thoughts, it's just poor writing etiquette. When writing a story, you want to focus on one person and have the story be through their eyes. It's possible to do a story the way you're doing it now, but I really don't recommend it. It's even hard for veteran writers to do (I personally would never do it).

Your style needs work too. It seems like you just thought of a lot of big and cool-sounding words to express the characters without centralizing on one fully fleshed out style. When writing, you want your style to be consistent throughout. That's the mark of a good writer.

The plot twist at the end was interesting. I thought this was just gonna be a re-telling of the old Zelda story until that happened. Great job on that.

All in all, this story needs work, but I know you're more than capable of making it better. Just keep writing and you'll get better in no time!

 

[Armagopalypse]

My writing style not being much better, I don't know if it's my place to reveiw this. But when has something like that ever stopped me?

This is obviously a beginning to an epic tale, and its pretty darn good. Im a big detail fanatic, and describing your main character's every feature (even if we all know what he looks like ). By all means continue because I'm sure the more you write the better it'll get!

 

[twilight_hero]

This is kind of weird.

You switch perspectives too much. All of a sudden we know that fairies thoughts, than we know Link's thoughts, it's just poor writing etiquette. When writing a story, you want to focus on one person and have the story be through their eyes. It's possible to do a story the way you're doing it now, but I really don't recommend it. It's even hard for veteran writers to do (I personally would never do it).

That's just for this bit. I know it wasn't the best writing. But it does get better.

And there are three different perspectives throughout. But each is clearly stated, as the character's name, at the beginning of each chapter.

Your style needs work too. It seems like you just thought of a lot of big and cool-sounding words to express the characters without centralizing on one fully fleshed out style. When writing, you want your style to be consistent throughout. That's the mark of a good writer.

Explain that some more. That wasn't my intent. I have done much better writing, though. Keep reading the rest of it (when I post it, that is...)

The plot twist at the end was interesting. I thought this was just gonna be a re-telling of the old Zelda story until that happened. Great job on that.

All in all, this story needs work, but I know you're more than capable of making it better. Just keep writing and you'll get better in no time!

Thanks for the compliments. I already have a lot of the rest of the story. I'm working on it right now, even!

Anyway, keep reading, becasue it does get better.

 

[Masque]

Interesting start. There are a few areas in which we seem to differ stylistically--mainly in regard to punctuation--but to each his own. Your physical description of "the hero" is very detailed--TOO detailed, even. I feel that it seems to halt the action too much. Perhaps try to tie his physical aspects into the narrative a little more: "The fairy, perching herself atop the hero's prominent nose, tapped on his eyelids in a vain attempt to wake the slumbering boy." Something along those lines. Nonetheless, a nice beginning. =)

 

[twilight_hero]

Holy crap, it's finally back up! All right, here we go.

My writing style not being much better, I don't know if it's my place to reveiw this. But when has something like that ever stopped me?

This is obviously a beginning to an epic tale, and its pretty darn good. Im a big detail fanatic, and describing your main character's every feature (even if we all know what he looks like ). By all means continue because I'm sure the more you write the better it'll get!

Thank you.

Interesting start. There are a few areas in which we seem to differ stylistically--mainly in regard to punctuation--but to each his own. Your physical description of "the hero" is very detailed--TOO detailed, even. I feel that it seems to halt the action too much. Perhaps try to tie his physical aspects into the narrative a little more: "The fairy, perching herself atop the hero's prominent nose, tapped on his eyelids in a vain attempt to wake the slumbering boy." Something along those lines. Nonetheless, a nice beginning. =)

Thanks for the advice, Aeris. It does get better later, too...as I've already mentioned.

One more person responds, and I can update...

 

[Armagopalypse]

I responded, so update

Ok and one thing I've noticed is that the longer a story is the more detail you can have. If your plot isn't thick enough it might get overloaded with too many details, kind of like how mine might be getting. Anyway, hurry up with some more literary goodness.

 

[twilight_hero]

All right, everyone, there's been a change of plans. I'll only post three chapters in this spot so it doesn't get ridiculously long. Then I'll post three in the next spot I post a chapter, and I'll do that until the end of the story.

As Chapter II is a different color than Chapter I is, you should be able to tell it's from a different perspective. This time, it's Zelda's. Enjoy!

Chapter I
Link
As I walked out of the treehouse in which I lived, I was in a state of shock. Somewhere, some part of my brain told me I had to leave the forest, that the Kokiri would lynch me if they found out that I had killed a fairy, that it didn’t matter if it was an accident. I couldn’t go to anyone for comforting words or help, though. What would I do? Killing a fairy was the worst thing a Kokiri could ever do, and I couldn’t get anyone to help me! Saria would never return to the forest. The Great Deku Tree was dead. It occurred to me to use the ocarina to speak to Saria, but I didn’t have it anymore, having given it up to Zelda.
Zelda!
Rushing back into my house, I donned my boots, belt, and bandolier. I placed the mysterious fairy’s limp body into the pouch in which my ocarina had rested and sealed it. Strapping my shield onto my right arm, I picked up and sheathed the Kokiri Sword. Then I left the house again.
There was a Kokiri boy coming up the ladder leading to my house, probably to greet me as usual. I leaped over him, crouching silently on the ground when I landed. I didn’t have time to stop and enjoy the beauty of the forest; instead, I charged at the girl blocking the way out of the forest, then dodged around her and ran out into Hyrule Field.
Running across Hyrule Field, I avoided monsters, not having time to fight. I entered Market town a short while later. Hurtling through the town, I reached and walked up the path to Hyrule Castle, ignoring everyone who shouted at me for bumping in to them or whatever ridiculous complaints they had.
Once at Hyrule Castle’s gate, I decided to take the short way through. I hurried up to the guard outside the gate. “I need to speak to the Princess. Now!”
He began laughing, then he stopped. “Hey, I remember you! You’re that kid who wanted to be let in a few months ago! Well, kid, the answer’s still no!”
He didn’t understand my vital need to see her. I took the easy was through and knocked him out with the flat of my sword, remembering, with a sick feeling, the fairy in my ocarina pouch that I had killed the same way…
I quickly scaled the gate and dropped down to the other side. Then, after deciding against stealth (I didn’t have time! I had to talk to Zelda now!), I threw caution to the winds and simply ran through the outer courtyard. The guards saw me, and tried to catch me, but I was too fast and agile. Dodging around a guard, I encountered another and took a swipe at him, again getting that sick feeling…
In the end, I was surrounded by guards on all sides. There was only one way out of this—I couldn’t fly, after all! I performed a Spin Attack. The sword caught one of the men in the chest. I saw a spurt of blood, but also an opportunity—the man collapsed, leaving me an opening. Without a second thought, I took it and sprinted for the brick wall that I had climbed on a day that seemed so very, very long ago…
I felt hands touch my shoulder and immediately shook them off. Then I whirled around with my sword out, now feeling nauseated at all the bloodshed I was causing. There was a flash of silver and a splash of red, and another body lay on the ground. I felt tears in my eyes, because of what I had become: a murderer.
I felt more hands on me, and rolled to get them off. I did not want to kill anymore. The roll slowed me down, though. A guard leaped on me, pushing me to the ground. I was relieved of my sword. The guards dragged me to the dungeons and threw me in roughly.
“We’ll be back,” hissed one, who was missing several teeth. “And the princess will be with us. We’ll see what she has to say to you!”
With that, they left, leaving me to my frenzied, troubled thoughts.

Chapter II
Zelda
I was interrupted in the vigorous action of staring out the window by a pounding at the door of my room. I glanced at it, then called, “Come in.”
A couple of sweaty soldiers that looked as if they’d just been fighting entered my room. “Your Highness,” one gasped. “There is a boy…we have captured a boy that asks to speak with you…he has killed two soldiers. We thought it best if you see what he wants before we execute him…”
I pondered this for a moment, then ordered, “Take me to him.”
We made our way down to the dungeons, and I was wondering who this boy was and what he could possibly want from me. I wrinkled my nose at the smell of the dank and moldy dungeon before we even entered it. The soldiers led me farther and farther in until it seemed I could go no further without gagging. There they stopped, and indicated a cell. I turned towards it and received the shock of my life.
Link was sitting in the cell!
“All right, kid,” spat the guard. “Whaddya want?”
Link ignored him and surged to the front of the cell. “Zelda! Oh, Zelda! I need to use the Ocarina of Time! And I really, really need to talk to you as well!”
“Who are you?” I asked, drawing myself up haughtily. He looked hopeless, and retreated.
“Zelda! You know me!” He didn’t sound very sure of himself, though. “It’s me, Link!”
“I have no idea who you are,” I exclaimed, winking at him. I had to fight to keep the smile off my face. He looked as though he were doing the same. I turned to the soldiers. “Have this boy executed at dawn tomorrow, in the center of Market Town so that everyone can watch. I want nothing more to do with him.”
With that, I turned and strode out of the dungeons.

Dusk fell. It was time for me to go see Link again. I slipped out of my dress and changed into a formal black one that I thought I’d never wear. Guess these things can come in handy after all, I thought. I just wished I had something besides dresses to wear. I opened my door silently and looked around. There was no one in the corridor, so I exited my room and shut the door again.
Thankfully, I didn’t meet anyone on the way down to the dungeons. There was a minor problem, however: there was still a guard at Link’s cell. I solved this problem by hurling a loose brick at his head. He collapsed, clutching at his neck instead. (I had terrible aim.)
“Zelda?” Link’s whispering voice came from the shadows.
“Yeah,” I murmured. “Link, we have to get you out of here! I ordered you killed!”
“Yeah…I noticed that…but we need my sword still.”
I bent down to speak to the guard. “Where is this boy’s sword?” I asked harshly.
His response was to cough up a little blood. “Oh, man, don’t make me use magic on you…” I muttered. He began vomiting.
I hurriedly began casting a spell, but was interrupted. “Zelda,” Link murmured. “Pour this down his throat.” And he offered me a bottle of thick red liquid.
“What is it?”
“Potion. It’ll heal him. Get it down his throat!”
I waited for a lapse in the vomit, then swiftly poured the potion into his mouth and pulled propped his head and upper body at a slant. He swallowed, and started talking.
“Sword…in armory…” he gasped.
“And give me the keys,” I ordered.
He handed me the key to Link’s cell and I opened it. Link exited the cell with a relieved look on his face, and embraced me. We exchanged a few words of greeting and hurried off to the armory.
When we reached it, he opened the door and strode inside. And there was his sword, just lying on the ground as if it had been tossed in without thought. He scooped it up and sheathed it again.
“Zelda, I need to use the Ocarina of Time to talk to my friend Saria. I’ve killed a fairy, Zelda. I need help. And I need to talk to you about something as well. But the ocarina is the most important thing right now. Where is it?”
“It…it was stolen from me.”
“By who?”
“A sorcerer named Vaati. He announced himself to me before knocking me out and taking it. He said he was gonna use it to revive Ganondorf!”
“What? Ridiculous!”
“No, Hero,” came the unmistakable voice of the Gerudo King. “Not ridiculous. For he stands here before you!”
And then he appeared. I screamed, but Link immediately leaped into action. Literally leaped. He jumped aside and pushed me away as Ganondorf tried to slice me in half with his sword. Then the hero leaped rolled forward and stabbed Ganon through the heart.
The evil man looked down at the sword sticking out of his chest. Then he took one last choking breath and collapsed as Link wrenched the sword out from between his ribs.
“Come on, Zelda!” he shouted, as the sound of boots running reached our ears. And together we ran for the castle gate…

All right, I'm tired of waiting. I'm adding the next chapter. Read it, everyone! I know it's short, but it's mainly to introduce the third person whose perspective this story is told. So...

Chapter III
Vaati
Ganondorf! That useless b@stard! How could he have gotten himself killed by a mere kid?!? Stupid idiot!
I stormed back and forth across the room. Now, you have to understand that when I say stormed, I don’t mean “stomped”. I mean STORMED! Lightning crackled outside, and hurricane force winds blew bricks from the outer wall of my room across the room, to be pulverized against the opposite wall. It was a tribute to my power that even in my anger, I managed to stop any objects from hitting me. Still, you didn’t want to me in the same room with me when I was angry. Annoyed, sure. Mildly pissed off was also fine. But my anger was something to watch out for.
The Skull Kid telepathically contacted me. <Calm down!> he snapped. <Calm down and meet me in the main chamber. We need to call our forces together for a little meeting.>
I pondered this for a few seconds. Then I stopped the raging storm and exited my room, responding, <I’m on my way.>

 

[Creo]

Ha Ha lol, weird style of story. I only read a few of the above critiques but why did you keep switching the perspectives from Navi to The Hero. Now in Chapter 1, you are referring to the Hero as "I".? Is he you or is what. I do get it, you don't have to explain but I had to point it out. Also, are you using a thesauras(spelling?) to much? From previous posts, you don't talk like that. Maybe once in a while but use words that we know you knew. A Thesauras for every word, or just using a big word for that matter isn't good all the time.
I just have to say, it is not called Market Town. I think that might have been a common mistake though.
Also, is this the after story from Ocarina of Time..? I do believe it is because of the "Navi" and "Ocarina" and the "Zelda" stuff. Oh yeah, THE GUARDS ARE PROTECTED FROM FOREHEAD SHOTS!
Look, I tried. I can wright good story's, not edit others. I did good on the typical Zelda errors though. If this story leads up, it can become very good.
Why don't you just edit your first post for the story's? Just post new ones in Red or something.

 

[twilight_hero]

Ha Ha lol, weird style of story. I only read a few of the above critiques but why did you keep switching the perspectives from Navi to The Hero. Now in Chapter 1, you are referring to the Hero as "I".? Is he you or is what. I do get it, you don't have to explain but I had to point it out. Also, are you using a thesauras(spelling?) to much? From previous posts, you don't talk like that. Maybe once in a while but use words that we know you knew. A Thesauras for every word, or just using a big word for that matter isn't good all the time.
I just have to say, it is not called Market Town. I think that might have been a common mistake though.
Also, is this the after story from Ocarina of Time..? I do believe it is because of the "Navi" and "Ocarina" and the "Zelda" stuff. Oh yeah, THE GUARDS ARE PROTECTED FROM FOREHEAD SHOTS!
Look, I tried. I can wright good story's, not edit others. I did good on the typical Zelda errors though. If this story leads up, it can become very good.
Why don't you just edit your first post for the story's? Just post new ones in Red or something.

Yeah, I write differently than I speak. (Or post on SWF.) Besides, I already have most of the story written, so I can't change that. I just copy and paste to my new post.
I know it's not called Market Town. This isn't the story of OoT. And I do know the guards are protected. Believe me, I've tried to shoot them.

All right, I'll take your advice, and just edit the "Chapter I" post. Also, I'll write in a different color for each of the three perspectives.

So, once I get four more comments, I'll add Chapter II to Chapter I. That one, by the way, is from the perspective of the princess.

Stay tuned, everyone!

 

[demoncaterpie]

Alright, here's the biggest problem I have with your story.

There's almost no description, everything's just action. "Link did this" or "Link climbed that", you never seem to break from this formula. I feel practically no connection with Link. You need to immerse your character in the story, take your time and express every detail you want about his surroundings, what he's feeling when he does these actions, and other stuff like that.

And the part where you went "And guess what?" Is Link telling this story to a specific person? If not, that line really has no business being in your story.

But hey, you seem to have a good following on the story. So take what I say as you will.

 

[twilight_hero]

Alright, here's the biggest problem I have with your story.

There's almost no description, everything's just action. "Link did this" or "Link climbed that", you never seem to break from this formula. I feel practically no connection with Link. You need to immerse your character in the story, take your time and express every detail you want about his surroundings, what he's feeling when he does these actions, and other stuff like that.

And the part where you went "And guess what?" Is Link telling this story to a specific person? If not, that line really has no business being in your story.

But hey, you seem to have a good following on the story. So take what I say as you will.

First off, I'd like to say, thanks for the advice. Now...

That's just how I write. I mean, you can tell I'm not the best writer in the world, and I write like that.

No. Like I said, that's how I write. I dunno, sometimes I like to, you know, talk to the audience.

Well, I'm off to write some more, but I'll still be on. If you want to give me more advice, PM me so we don't clutter this up too much, okay? Thanks.

 

[demoncaterpie]

Hey, it's your story dude! I totally respect your opinion! I just have to give you my two cents.

 

[twilight_hero]

Hey, it's your story dude! I totally respect your opinion! I just have to give you my two cents.

If I can get three more comments (not counting the one you just made, the one I'm quoting), I'll update the next chapter. Stick around.

 

[Armagopalypse]

Wow, you're very complimentary for someone who seems to like destruction so much. Armageddon and apocalypse, right? That's your name?

That's right, gain my trust, sucker....lol. Yeah, that is my name. I think your the first person who has noticed that, or at least said they noticed it. Now to the next chapter...

At risk of echoing previous reviewers, I'll now make mine. One of the first things they always taught me in English is try to avoid starting sentences with "I" as much as you can, specifically in stuff like this. I don't know if you noticed but your story did turn into "I did this" or "I did that." For example, this is probably how I would've written it:

"I rushed into my house, wiping the sweat from my brow. I was starting to become sicker and sicker every moment. I had killed a fairy! What would that mean? You couldn't just kill a fairy and get away with it! Through all this, I could only concentrate on one thing to stay sane, Zelda. Zelda would help. All I had to do was get to Zelda. Quickly putting on my boots and belt, I charged out of my door, almost knocking down another boy trying to climb the ladder into my house. The boy cried out an exclamation as I jumped over him to get past, but I barely noticed. In fact, there were many beutiful things in this forest worth noticing, but I didn't care today. I didn't care about anything but the dead fairy I was carrying, and finding Zelda."

Now mind you don't start reviewing my writing, and saying it's too long winded etc. because I'm not saying by any means that it's better, trust me. I'm just saying if I was writing the same story this is how I'd do it. But hey, just find a style of writing comfortable to you, and more power to you when you can.


Man, if I waited for reviews for my story before I kept writing it, I'd never had gotten past the first chapter lol. Probably the only person who's read the whole thing is me

 

[twilight_hero]

Is everyone on SWF a better writer than me? Jeez, Armogopalypse, you should post more stories you've written! Anyway...I'm gonna edit that chapter, so everyone stay tuned. If I get two more comments, I can also add Chapter II.

 

[Armagopalypse]

Is everyone on SWF a better writer than me? Jeez, Armogopalypse, you should post more stories you've written! Anyway...I'm gonna edit that chapter, so everyone stay tuned. If I get two more comments, I can also add Chapter II.

Lol that's very much debatable, but hey I'll gladly take a complement anyday. I've always been a guy whose almost as intrested in thoughts and feelings of the characters as I am in the actual plot itself. Eagerly awaiting the next chapter....

 

[twilight_hero]

Lol that's very much debatable, but hey I'll gladly take a complement anyday. I've always been a guy whose almost as intrested in thoughts and feelings of the characters as I am in the actual plot itself. Eagerly awaiting the next chapter....

I'm not counting that as a new comment. If I could get Johnknight1 or someone to read it...

Anyway, don't forget I'm working on a revised version of Chapter I...

 

[twilight_hero]

Okay, everyone, sorry for the double post, but it's important for you all to know that I have edited and changed Chapter I quite a bit. I also still need two comments before I add Chapter II. Otherwise the thread will die of old age...and boredom...and possibly maggots...

 

[Foxman15]

Attempting to impersonate Link is a sin. Well, at least it should be.

EDIT:
I took the easy was through and knocked him out with the flat of my sword,.

Why didn't you just climb up the vines,? It only takes about 5 seconds for link.

I found the literature enjoyable and decently wrote. However, since I'm so attached to the Zelda series I have to say that it doesn't sound anything like a real Link adventure, which makes me not feel attached. Link doesn't go around slicing up guards. He's too pimp for that! I did however like how you tried out a first person aspect for the story. It's unique since the series is more third person. Like to hear some more, could lead to some very good capturing writing.

 

[Armagopalypse]

Just read the edited chapter one. Much, much better in terms of story and writing style. See, you can easily add a little emotion to your main character and your story starts to open up. Though killing people like this is against Link's character, and I understand where you coming from , Foxman15. But of course theres no rule saying your Link has to be Nintendo's Link. Actually, I've always liked my story's cooked dark and well done anyway (lol bad pun). STILL eagerly awaiting the second chapter.

 

[twilight_hero]

Just read the edited chapter one. Much, much better in terms of story and writing style. See, you can easily add a little emotion to your main character and your story starts to open up. Though killing people like this is against Link's character, and I understand where you coming from , Foxman15. But of course theres no rule saying your Link has to be Nintendo's Link. Actually, I've always liked my story's cooked dark and well done anyway (lol bad pun). STILL eagerly awaiting the second chapter.

All right, I have to edit Chapter II to corespond with Chapter I, but it's coming.

Of course killing people is against his character! But he's desperate...and you can never tell what lengths desperate people will go to...

 

[Armagopalypse]

All right, I have to edit Chapter II to corespond with Chapter I, but it's coming.

Of course killing people is against his character! But he's desperate...and you can never tell what lengths desperate people will go to...

Yeah, that's true. Actually, I don't think it's really fair to say that killing is part of anyone's character. People hurt others when they try to hurt them, and have to defend themselves. Even "bad guys" don't hurt people for the sake of hurting them (unless they're insane I guess), they do it in order to further their own needs.



EDIT: (To post below) figured that I've had enough posts on this page for now, so I'll just edit this one. And that sounds like a good plan

 

[twilight_hero]

Yeah, that's true. Actually, I don't think it's really fair to say that killing is part of anyone's character. People hurt others when they try to hurt them, and have to defend themselves. Even "bad guys" don't hurt people for the sake of hurting them (unless they're insane I guess), they do it in order to further their own needs.

True.

Now, I need to work on this...or don't you wanna read the next chapter? So, I'm gonna stop responding now...

 

[twilight_hero]

All right, everyone. Chapter II has been added to Chapter I. Don't forget to read the new "bulletin" above Chapter I as well, it has important news.

 

[Armagopalypse]

It was good. But being incredibly picky, I have a couple of things that bugged me.

First, when Zelda was breaking Link out, she could've just probably ordered the guard to go somewhere else, or leave the castle, instead of just bashing his head in. I mean, if I were her I wouldn't be so ready to be busting up a guy who swore to protect me with his life with a brick.

Second, when Ganondorf just popped out of nowhere I was completely "Holy Crap"ed out. But two seconds later he was already dead. Now even if you're planning on having him come back to life later or whatnot, for the first incounter with a villain it was a little anticlimactic for my taste.

And third, pink?.....EWWWWWWW!!!!

lol but colors aside good job. BRING ON DA NEXT CHAPTER!!!

 

[twilight_hero]

It was good. But being incredibly picky, I have a couple of things that bugged me.

First, when Zelda was breaking Link out, she could've just probably ordered the guard to go somewhere else, or leave the castle, instead of just bashing his head in. I mean, if I were her I wouldn't be so ready to be busting up a guy who swore to protect me with his life with a brick.

Second, when Ganondorf just popped out of nowhere I was completely "Holy Crap"ed out. But two seconds later he was already dead. Now even if you're planning on having him come back to life later or whatnot, for the first incounter with a villain it was a little anticlimactic for my taste.

And third, pink?.....EWWWWWWW!!!!

lol but colors aside good job. BRING ON DA NEXT CHAPTER!!!

She wasn't thinking clearly, obviously. Besides, leaving the princess with a boy who killed two guards isn't exactly protecting her life.

No, he's dead for good. There's another villain.

Sorry, but each chapter is color-coded to whose perspective it's from, and I'm basing that on what color they wear. As Zelda wears pink...

Love to, but I need four more responses...maybe I should make it three instead of five...

 

[Armagopalypse]

Man, this thread is just like pizza delivery. Place an order and expect your pizza in 15 minutes or less haha.

Oh, good. Yeah I kinda figured if Ganondorf was dead (again) and you were planning on making more chapters, there would have to be another villain(s). Just saying that Ganondorf popping out of nowhere was an opportunity for a plot twist, but now he's just rotting in the armory after one paragraph.

Okay, bye for another 15 minutes, or your money back.

 

[twilight_hero]

Man, this thread is just like pizza delivery. Place an order and expect your pizza in 15 minutes or less haha.

Oh, good. Yeah I kinda figured if Ganondorf was dead (again) and you were planning on making more chapters, there would have to be another villain(s). Just saying that Ganondorf popping out of nowhere was an opportunity for a plot twist, but now he's just rotting in the armory after one paragraph.

Okay, bye for another 15 minutes, or your money back.

LOL, I don't quite understand what that means, but it's still funny...

Yep. Well, he's not rotting yet, but still.

???

 

[Armagopalypse]

Since it bugs me 7 ways to Sunday whenever someone doesn't get my well thought out jokes, here is a scientific explanation.

Several decades ago, pizza giant domino's created the guarantee that if a pizza was not delivered in 30 minutes or less, your pizza would be free. This was a gimmick devised by the corporation in order to promote the still fairly new concept of "restaurant to home pizza delivery" that domino's had shifted there whole business mechanic to center on. Naturally, the public ate up the idea....literally. Quickly it became a game for hungry pizza passioniers to make a game out of the thing, starting their timers the moment after the pizza was ordered. This was all fine and good for a while, until a domino's deliveryman ran over a pedestrian crossing the street after running a red light. Naturally, people assumed he was rushing due to domino's 30 minute guarantee. After this PR disaster, it was surprising when Domino's officially announced that they would stop practicing their 30 minute guarantee soon afterwords.

So I made the refererence to signify that every time I made a post in this thread you'd reply soon afterwords. In retrospect, I probably didn't need to post all the junk about Domino's...

Well, I hope that cleared things up for you. Wow, never thought I'd be caught dead saying "7 ways to Sunday"...

Anyway, I'm going to look around at other Writings that people have done so....peace. Make sure you do the same twighlight_hero because there's some pretty good stuff.

 

[twilight_hero]

Since it bugs me 7 ways to Sunday whenever someone doesn't get my well thought out jokes, here is a scientific explanation.

Several decades ago, pizza giant domino's created the guarantee that if a pizza was not delivered in 30 minutes or less, your pizza would be free. This was a gimmick devised by the corporation in order to promote the still fairly new concept of "restaurant to home pizza delivery" that domino's had shifted there whole business mechanic to center on. Naturally, the public ate up the idea....literally. Quickly it became a game for hungry pizza passioniers to make a game out of the thing, starting their timers the moment after the pizza was ordered. This was all fine and good for a while, until a domino's deliveryman ran over a pedestrian crossing the street after running a red light. Naturally, people assumed he was rushing due to domino's 30 minute guarantee. After this PR disaster, it was surprising when Domino's officially announced that they would stop practicing their 30 minute guarantee soon afterwords.

So I made the refererence to signify that every time I made a post in this thread you'd reply soon afterwords. In retrospect, I probably didn't need to post all the junk about Domino's...

Well, I hope that cleared things up for you. Wow, never thought I'd be caught dead saying "7 ways to Sunday"...

Anyway, I'm going to look around at other Writings that people have done so....peace. Make sure you do the same twighlight_hero because there's some pretty good stuff.

Oh.........

 

[Armagopalypse]

Oh.........

How'd you like THEM apples?

 

[twilight_hero]

How'd you like THEM apples?

Shh! No one asked your opinion!

 

[The rAt]

Alrighty. I'm going to try and form a few semi-coherent ideas before I allow myself to digress once more into madness. I will try not to say very much, as I've only read it once, and for me it usually takes several readings to get a feel for the author's style. Also, I can sound kind of condescending sometimes when it comes to writing, most often without even realizing it. Plus I revise my posts (when I actually care what I'm talking about) way too much, and I don't have that kind of time. Heck, I'm already doing it.

First, colors. Ouch. Dark green hurts my eyes.

That said, it seems as though you have a fairly clear idea for your story and you are taking definite steps to advance it through divulging plot details in small doses. However, it is also important to put as much thought into the characters, not only how they see themselves, and how other characters see them, but how you want us as readers to see them as well. Remember that a reader's respect and trust must be earned by both you and your characters.

I'll give you the same advice I gave the last person who asked me for insight into his writing; consistency and intentionality. You are writing fantasy, therefore you are creating your own world (though yours is clearly based off of a pre-existing, Nintendo-owned one). The way the characters speak, the way you as the narrator (when in 3rd person) speak, the level of intricacy and detail you put into your writing must be intentional and they must be consistent, or else you will lose the audience's suspension of disbelief. It is my firm belief (though there are those who disagree with me), that most other writing skills can be developed through practice.

Okay, so that is all very abstract advice, and hopefully I'll get a chance to reread it and give you some more specific advice/critiques, but I have to admit, reading other people's writing has a tendency to make me want to go back to my own book (which I have been on hiatus from for a couple of weeks), which is just so distracting to me.

Andy

EDIT: I also noticed your name Armagocalypse. I just assumed it was already addressed.

 

[twilight_hero]

All right, everyone, I got tired of waiting for someone to remember that this thread existed and added the next chapter. It's short and purple. Its main purpose is to introduce the final person whose perspective the story is told from. Please forgive me for making it so short. When I add the next chapter, look for it on this page, not the first.