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[WWYp8] A Golden Visage

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DeadlyTurnip

Smash Journeyman
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Jun 11, 2008
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Mission Viejo, CA
OOC said:
Sorry if this is a little context heavy, English is my second language and Spanish literature doesn't quite work the same way as English literature for obvious reasons.

She walked through the fields under the benign skies of the summer evening and saw the dragonflies scattering among the heath and hare-bells; listening to the soft breeze breathing through the grass. A golden ocean of shimmering lights; the amber grass shone ever brightly under the fleeting sun. White jacaranda trees blossomed in scattered places, sparrows flew across the rose firmament where the clouds blushed, carrying her eye through the distance until the fields disappeared into the dephtless blue of the looming night. The stage was alive, dancing softly to the rhythm of the cool breeze.

A scenery painted by the gods, though governed by no one but Peace. She sat among the dandelions, her pale hands twined a crown of white flowers; every stroke knit with tender care as she listened to the soft rattle of Zaga behind her, brushing through the tall grasses that covered him like a blanket. She listened to the chime of his voice, and the pounding of small paws toying with a beetle. The small possum quietly enjoyed the field.

They had strolled off from Radasanth through the moors and the lands silent plains of Corone and reached golden fields where their worries vanished afoot.

The night had set slow and steady, placing her fingers across the firmament. The neon sparkles of fireflies littered the air around them. To a place like this she owed no fear, no feral creatures inhabited them, only the petite and gentle ones who hunger not for flesh. Places like these where never to bee seen in Salvar, for once in her odyssey did she thank the fates for finding herself exiled in paradise. Exile to this was not exile, but liberation into the Elysian far from the frigid gardens of North.

The possum abandoned his playground and sat atop a large stone nearby, only to gaze out on the field, which enticed his feeling of adventure. His intentions seemed clear, and knowing that her pet would be back as always she gave the go ahead.

"Don't stride too far we'll be leaving soon," a vain smile colored her countenance, "the grass is tall, if you get lost look for the crown of this tree, and you will find me" Selene kindly placed her hand on the rasp surface of the jacaranda that had served them to hide from the sun while in his apogee.

She rose from her flower bed as her only companion disappeared in the grass leaving behind a train of disturbed vegetation, and agitated flies. The moon was full, shining silver and coloring that which was golden, in her image. Her tree sat atop a hill, presiding over the plains. Far away she could she the dim lights of the city, shimmering a placid orange through hills and tree tops. She sighed, taking for the last time a breath of the fresh air 'To think no human but I treasures you.'

~X~

Zaga made it through the grass and the pebbled grown, sneaking his tender snout under rocks and fallen tree branches, the tree he sought was a couple dozen yards away, but since the chance was given to him, he would search for other critters in his way there. He'd found none of the sort but a couple caterpillars and a prairie mouse. His small legs halted as he heard the soft pounding of a heart; before him stood a bed where the grass had carefully flattened, above numerous fireflies dances as if to replicate the starts, and Zaga's hungry curiosity grew deeper and deeper.

His two eyes shimmered like diamonds from under the shadow, as he drew closer and closer to this small being. Leaving the safety of the grass he allowed himself to be seen, his head tilted, and his voice chimed twice while his small eyes blinked as he examined.

An old man rested his back against the coarse surface of the jacaranda tree. Years had already craved for him a mask of haggard expressions; heavy wrinkled adorned his face having endured the bitter-sweet days of a life with the populace. He was not a hermit; he was well dressed, although numerous scars and dry, old, cuts suggested he was fond of ramblings through the moors. His eyes, however, still shined under the silver moon, strong and determined as those of a youth prepared to face the new life.

His glace caught hold of his curious companion, and no sooner did a smile broke through his old face. With a tiered sigh he stretched his arm and released his trembling palm to bestow upon the creature a dozen of golden grains for him to eat.

“A small creature like you in such a place, you must be hungry,” he halted to take a breath an continued with his rasp voice, “possums ought not to wander off the forest.” His brow loosened as he struggled to hold his hand above the ground, releasing the little gems into the ground.

~X~

A few minutes had passed and angst had already hatched in her heart. fifteen minutes, how long could it take for a possum to travel to and back from a tree she could see from where she stood? Sparing no more time wits got the best of her, and she strode off to find the whereabouts of her beloved Zaga; a small creature like as he was, could have fallen prey to a nocturnal raptor.

Her decorated body moved like a specter through the grass; under the moon her skin was pale. The silk of her gown brushed against the plants, as the wind carried it with him, streaks of silver light adorned it's glossy surface. She called his name to no avail; only the breeze's wailing was to answer. She reached the jacaranda and yet he was no where to be seen, and after gazing across the field for a couple minutes she decided to set off back to original position in hopes that the possum would be there waiting for her.

She took a different trail, through the west, and just after five minutes of walking she ran into an elder resting on the ground, ignoring her precence and deligted to see how Zaga feasted from the grains of corn. Innocence illuminated the man’s face, his messy, gray locks fell into his forehead and his iced-blue eyes where as pure as the oceans of the winterland. Zaga emerged from his diversion and gazed upon Selene, who stood aloof upon the scene, now realizing the error of his ways.

"Zaga" A single severe tone escaped her gut, her eyebrows heavy and her countenance taciturn, caring not to express her anger. The possum's ears shook twice before, he left the blown and skipped through the grassbead, hoping over the elder's legs and climbing up Selene's outfit to finish on her shoulder.

The man seemed innocent of any malicious act her own innocent and naive companion might have fallen for. She could not allow herself to be deceived by facades, even if the visage is of gold and the spirit is young. Another tone stuck like the last, now orchestrating into a sentence and a question.

"Mind you telling me who you are, and what you do here in such late hour?"

“Peace, my lady,” his heavy voice answered, “I am but an old and haggard man enjoying the beauty of the silver night.”

“Do you come here often?” she retorted.

“Indeed, my lady, indeed the nights of Corone are the most fine, where the moon shines the most brightly and where the stars show their best countenance, in the sea of golden hay and among the fireflies is the only place I would ever wish to die when the looming moment comes.”

A still silence placed itself upon the place, thick like winter mist until her voice broke it once again.

“Are you sick?” She fell into her knees to sit and make company to the man, as she sought his story.

“If the years where an infirmity” he left a turbid giggle escape his dry lips, “I am well passed my time. Of my family it’s only I who still toils in the mundane world, It fills me with joy that I will see them in the glory of the Elysian before a dawn comes.”

“No one is utterly alone.” She replied as she set her eyes upon the same scene the man’s gazed upon with sincere admiration.

“You, yourself don’t sound like a happy woman. Your voice is cautious and lacks the common carefree of the youths of these days. Maybe something in your life has forced you to mature. Worry not so much my lady, that whatever problems that the mortal dangers that follow you place but unfounded fear. There now,” another decrepit and quiet laugh escaped his gut, “such worries, you will be as old as me in spirit in no time. No one is utterly alone, indeed, you have you dear creature and I, well I enjoy the company of the fireflies and small insects, that although silent, can tell me their feelings better than any human with words. And soon, yes soon enough, I will talk to them from above the treetops.”

His lips smiled one last time as his eyes released a tear.

“I see myself spiral into my un-witful self. I was born to be persecuted, not only by the inquisition but so by my own people who despise me for loving a devil. In whose eyes does this creature appear a monster? Such a vile thing to be said by anyone’s voice, who throw the first stone before being free of sin themselves. Such a world, such a place! Times like these make me wish to be exonerated from this earth, this world-“

Her voice had already began to be thrown in disarray, her body trembled slightly as her eyes had begun to prepare tears that never came; the man placed his hand atop hers and with an sigh an exeunt.

“Live, that for the day of your life is still young, and the gray hours shall see better! Live, for you have seen nothing, the days of golden visage are yet to come.”

Selene waited as the words sank in, such simple words would appease her and her heart. Her breath stopped racing and it wasn’t until she was quiet that she noticed the man’s was gone. She clasped tightly to his hand and felt to pulse. The man had died, never seeing her face, or discovering her notorious identity. The man has found peace in the place he had wished for, she was happy, but it was a bitter-sweet moment.

Selene left the man who never spoke his name, Zaga following right behind her, dressed in a human anatomy wishful to console her quiet mistress. They moved through the grass under the benign skies of a summer night, watched the fireflies flashing through the heath and jacaranda flowers; listening to the breeze breathing through the grass, and wondered who would find unpeaceful rest in such silent grounds.

In the horizon, the sun had begun the new dawn.
 

SkylerOcon

Tiny Dancer
Joined
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Messages
5,216
Location
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It's good in every way except one:

This doesn't follow the prompt.

These don't feel like everyday people. A teenager who has a pet possum named Zaga and is out in the fields in the middle of the night. They don't talk like real people, and they don't act like real people. The prompt was to write about everyday people.

And the biggest way you ruined the prompt?

Your voice is cautious and lacks the common carefree of the youths of these days.
Not an everyday person.

It's excellent in every regard. You just didn't write what you were supposed to write.
 

DeadlyTurnip

Smash Journeyman
Joined
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Messages
204
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This contest, the prompt is: Write a story about an event in the life of an everyday person. I know that can be somewhat confusing, so let me clarify; we are trying to take a step away from ultra dramatic stories this time around and trying to change the focus on how you write the story. So no Kings or Queens and grim revolutions. No alien adventures and time traveling scientists. However, this doesn't mean that you can't have some drama; you can, just not to an extreme. Maybe learning you lost your job, or that your mother may have Alzheimer's. Or you it can just be a fun little story about seeing a streaker with your girlfriend at a football game or going fishing with a friend. Hopefully I explained that somewhat well, but if not feel free to ask.
This did not mention any settings, so I set it in fantasy world and I used one of my stock characters. Say, for a girl who is being hunt down by the inquisition, a a stroll at night in the fields is a pretty every-day thing.

It's good in every way except one:

This doesn't follow the prompt.

These don't feel like everyday people. A teenager who has a pet possum named Zaga and is out in the fields in the middle of the night.
What is so unusual about a girl who has a possum?

The story says that she had been out since "the sun was on its apogee" and it commences when night has JUST fallen and they are about to head home. Don't see anything unusual about escaping time. It happens to everyone, you are having a blast and when you realize it's already very late.

They don't talk like real people, and they don't act like real people. The prompt was to write about everyday people.
Personally, I see no big problems with the past because it is known, but the future can be full of things that we don't know of which can lead to events that would be extraordinary by our standards in the present. .
Like I said, the setting. It also has a medieval setting so its obvious they are not going to talk and act like people on a 2008 American Setting.

And the biggest way you ruined the prompt?

Your voice is cautious and lacks the common carefree of the youths of these days.
Not an everyday person.
She IS an everyday person. I've never heard of a world where everyone is perfect, where they speak the same and act equally in monotony. THAT, I think, is NOT everyday/normal behavior.

Normal people have issues, have a background, and a personality. Who is to say that a slightly more mature "teenager" (which she is not, the old guy assumes, but she never saw her. Hence why I called her a woman and not a girl.) is not normal for being cautious when approaching strange people, and having her own way of talking to them. I decided to actually give my character somewhat of a personality, as opposed to giving her an over-fried, cliche' core one. Still, she seems pretty normal to me.

So someone needs to define "everyday/normal" for me because it seems we don't have the same outlook.
 

El Nino

BRoomer
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There is some strong writing in this piece.

So someone needs to define "everyday/normal" for me because it seems we don't have the same outlook.
I think this prompt is going to cause problems because the wording is not very clear. I think they wanted it to mean "no genre" stories. I read "everyday" person as simply someone who is non-heroic.

So, in my view, your story could work for the prompt, but maybe you should ask the judges to look at it and tell you what they think.

I want to suggest, for the sake of this contest only, removing the segment at the end when your main character is talking about her back story. Being persecuted by an inquisition suggests an exceptional individual UNLESS the inquisition persecutes EVERYONE, meaning that she comes from a highly oppressive society. The prompt is to write about an everyday person. So, if she comes from an oppressive society where EVERYONE feels some kind of persecution, having this back story for your character is okay. However, if the inquisition is targeting only her (and nobody else), this suggests that she is a special individual in their eyes, and therefore she is not an average, everyday person, not even within the context of the setting.

For this story, I would rather hear more of the background of the old man who dies. After all, his death is the climax of the story. But the narrative seems preoccupied with the viewpoint character. I'd suggest focusing more on him, and for Selene's part, expand on what she learns from this encounter, what she will take away with her after the end of this story. Even if she learns very little (or nothing), I feel it would be a stronger story if there is an emphasis on how she is or is not changed.

Also, shifting the focus to the old man may help with the issues concerning the prompt. Even if Selene is an exceptional character, the old man can be an ordinary individual.

My other reactions to this story:

This piece is filled with strong imagery and heavily descriptive, dreamlike prose. This is, it seems, the greatest strength in your writing. And that is also, however, its greatest weakness. The writing suggests a writer with a talent for imagery and flowery prose, but I would very much recommend that you use this talent more sparingly. There are many places where the descriptions are overbearing.

She walked through the fields under the benign skies of the summer evening and saw the dragonflies scattering among the heath and hare-bells; listening to the soft breeze breathing through the grass. A golden ocean of shimmering lights; the amber grass shone ever brightly under the fleeting sun.
This is a little too much. This sentence alone: "A golden ocean of shimmering lights; the amber grass shone ever brightly under the fleeting sun" contains two separate clauses that say the exactly same thing.

Also, both the first and second sentences use semicolons (;) where there should be commas (,) instead.

Her decorated body moved like a specter through the grass; under the moon her skin was pale. The silk of her gown brushed against the plants, as the wind carried it with him, streaks of silver light adorned it's glossy surface.
As an introductory line, this would have been a grand entrance for your character. As it stands in the middle of the story, sandwiched between overwrought passages, it becomes excessive. It's good to use these type of descriptions once in a while when the opportunity is best, but if you use it every single time, it's like painting an entire picture with overtly bright colors. It makes it hard for the reader to see the whole picture; we're so blinded by the over use of brilliant colors.

Your grammar is good except for minor mistakes. Be careful of using semicolons and commas. Semicolons are to separate two independent clauses ("I hated riding the bus; it was never on time."). Commas are to separate two dependent clauses ("Because the bus was always late, I never liked riding it to work.").

Your voice is cautious and lacks the common carefree of the youths of these days.
"Carefree" is a description, and so it is used incorrectly here. It should be "carefree" followed by something (like "spirit" or "nature"). It may help you to have a native speaker proofread your work for mistakes like these. I know quite a few ESL students who make similar mistakes, and it is a very hard thing to correct.
 

SkylerOcon

Tiny Dancer
Joined
Mar 21, 2008
Messages
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Location
ATX
Hm... well, I still don't really see it as following the prompt, but it's really not up to me. I guess we'll just see in time.

Don't get me wrong though. I loved your piece. I just don't think that the prompt was followed very well.
 

quadz08

Smash Cadet
Joined
Jun 15, 2008
Messages
42
Location
la universidad
I really enjoy this type of story, and I feel like this is an excellent concept. While I can understand Skyler's point on the whole prompt thing, I disagree. By my understanding of the prompt (nothing supernatural) you have done very well in keeping within it.

My biggest issues with the piece were, as El Nino said, overly descriptive sections. It tends to drown out the story in some points.

Also, grammar was an issue. Your dialogue grammar is definitely lacking (capitalize first words, commas at the end of every quotation, etc.), and you have a tendency to use run-on sentences. I think that problem will be fixed when you cut down on description though.
 

Virgilijus

Nonnulli Laskowski praestant
BRoomer
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Jun 27, 2006
Messages
14,387
Location
Sunny Bromsgrove
Deadly Turnip,

Here's the deal. This story is essentially a fan fiction taken from the other forum you frequent. However, it's setting is an all ready established world in that community, even though you created the characters. That does not fly here: you cannot write a story in Middle-Earth, Narnia or the Star Trek Voyager (or in your case, Althanas) because they are some one's creation other than your own. That said, this story is disqualified.

However, if you wish to write an entirely new story (that fits the prompt) you can. But I warn you, it must be completely new: if there is any evidence that it has been posted somewhere else, anywhere else, on the internet then you will be permanently banned from the competition and will receive a one week ban (this also applies to any one else who breaks this rule). Old stories are not allowed, so it would not be allowed unless it was first posted here, even if you wrote it.

This thread will remain locked and any new entry you write should just be submitted in a new thread.
 
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