So, here are the results. I'm going to prettify them eventually (with links and colors and whatnot, but it's a long process so you guys have waited long enough. Now, what you guys have been waiting for:
1st Place: Vyse - Bouquet
2nd Place: East - Something Better
3rd Place: Tom - He Followed His Orders
Honorable Mention: ½NIÇK½FBM - Rage
Congrats to Vyse who has won his 2nd WWYP (I think, correct me if I'm wrong) and everyone else who placed! East will be getting his quill and orange name shortly. But for you not up there, it's nothing be ashamed of. The only thing shameful in WWYP is not finishing your scores and comments
. That said, critique time!
Tom - He Followed His Orders
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - Three people, one gun, one bullet. It’s all there.
Virg - You're good.
Tone:
Jam - The feeling and mood of the story was excellent, right up until the last paragraph. You’d established Rick’s somewhat bumbling character so well, and he sheds that persona too readily at the end. It breaks the suspense.
Virg - I liked where the story was headed, but fell flat at the end. Suspense was good, the reader didn't know exactly what was going to happen, then "bang" story is over. The way you had it the denouement should be a little less jagged
Style:
Jam - Nearly flawless. Easily the most impressive piece of the contest in terms of spelling, grammar and syntax.
Virg - Your language is good. Very good and easy reading.
Enjoyment:
Jam - As well done as this story is, I just didn’t like it that much. Mobster stories have never really been my thing, and I didn’t feel any connection to the plot of characters despite the obvious skill involved in crafting them.
Virg - Like I said in tone, it held me to a point then let me down. It felt like it was half thought through: that at the beginning there was some resolution or climax you wanted to hit and then through time or persuasion decided it wasn't worth it. As easy as it was to go through the paragraphs, once it was done it was done and left no lingering in my mind. That and I moonwalked reverse knee ledge guard today so screw you!
Tornadith - Hand-held Life Stealer
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - Followed the prompt, but the stranger was armed as well.
Virg - The prompt was made so it was a decision who got hit. May have been my mistake clarifying that. Nevertheless, the enemy also had a weapon which kind of defeats the purpose.
Tone:
Jam - The first half of the story reads like back story, and suddenly the reader is thrust into (presumably) the present for the second half. The dialogue and action is also very standard and hokey, especially Tornadith’s cry of “Noooooo!” The story lacks cohesiveness overall. That said, I felt the last line of the story was good.
Virg - The whole first paragraph was a setup paragraph, and not even a good one at that. The reader can piece together that magic exists: a fantasy author doesn't have to say "There is magic here". We'll pick it up. Also, there was nothing in the story that made me empathize with the characters. The "NOOOOO!" scream felt like it was a blacksploitation film. Work on the dialogue. Read it out loud. Would people actually say that if some one were trying to kill them?
Style:
Jam - There are spelling, syntax and grammatical errors, but the biggest style problem is the difference in tone between the two halves of the story. The dialogue also seriously detracts from the overall product.
Virg - The story is supposed to be a short story and you tried to pack more story than character in it. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but literally the only thing we see of Tornadith is that a bad guy tried to stab him and he killed him. Everything else is backstory, some not even dealing with him. Kurt Vonnegut once said that a short story has room for 1 1/2 characters. Typically you newer guys try to put too many in, but you went the opposite route and had too little. Try reading some classic short stories to see what direction they are supposed to go.
Enjoyment:
Jam - It’s too standard of a take on the fantasy genre. Don’t be afraid to branch out and try different things.
Virg - Honestly, from the first paragraph on it was more a chore to read than anything else. Very standard fantasy affair.
Mewter - Unburdened Stone
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - You had the three people, but is the hyper cube actually a weapon?
Virg - Three people, but there the weapon didn't quite fit. I mean it did, but in part of the 3 people one gun prompt it implied a decision had to be made and there really wasn't one there (kill bad guy).
Tone:
Jam - You constructed the scene, but things quickly begin to fall apart. What is the hypercube for? How are the cube, the robots and the humans related? There are references to past events (like the last war), but they don’t really tie into what’s happening now. And what exactly happens in the last paragraph? I was totally lost.
Virg - The tone was decent. You jumped around a bit and made the story a little scattered. Plots and events just kind of came out of nowhere (42 was dead...but's now alive and evil! etc.) and distracted the reader from where the story eventually led.
Style:
Jam - There are run-ons, problems with dialogue (you must start a new paragraph every time a new person talks), and a lot of ambiguity in your writing. Also there was one line where you spelled out the plot of the story. That’s a big no-no.
Virg - You had some grammatical errors and a very rushed style: you tried to pack too much into a short story. You just need to show us a glimpse, not paint a mural for us. You set up some of the characters but never finished them. Keep writing and reading: experience is there to smooth out the edges.
Enjoyment:
Jam - I would like to see where you can take this story if it was more coherent.
Virg - I enjoyed it, but a large part of that was me adjusting the story in my head as I read it.
Vyse - Bouquet
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - The final scene with Mark, Bryan and Elly is extremely well done, but there was no single-use weapon to be found.
Virg - Interesting take on it...didn't quite fit the prompt.
Tone:
Jam - This story was real and believable from the opening to the conclusion. I especially like your decision to keep Bryan a bad guy by making his choice to share a self-serving one.
Virg - You make a very believable atmosphere for your stories that let the characters breath. Not only that it was consistent. very good.
Style:
Jam - An overall strong effort marked by minor spelling and grammatical errors. The line about the Nike sweat shop was out of place, as was the smoking bit.
Virg - Good. The meeting with the girl at the flower shop made me feel like something bigger was going to happen and I don't know if I'm relieved or disappointed it didn't. A few shakes here or there in grammar. Occasionally some of the dialogue felt a little forced (the meeting between the three had a few lines).
Enjoyment:
Jam - Definitely my favorite story of the contest, and one of the top three entries I’ve ever read. I even gave it to my wife to read, which I’ve never done before. Excellent work.
Virg - Easily one of the more enjoyable stories I've read this contest. And it didn't even involve violence. Fancy that.
1 w1nged @ngel - Retribution
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - There are always at least four people present throughout the story, and the shooter has more than one bullet for most of the story.
Virg - Technically at one point there were three people and one bullet left...but the majority of the story wasn't focused on it.
Tone:
Jam - While the dialogue is cheesy (especially Alex’s), it’s not bad. What really messes this up is Rob’s inner musings about the situation being all his fault, and the forced morality statement about the path of the righteous man. Also, Alex’s apology is completely out of place.
Virg - A pet peeve of mine is bad or unnecessary dialogue. The "I'm sorry" felt completely out of place and made me shake my head: how often has a school shooter apologized after killing two people and trying to kill a third? Even at the beginning when they say "Hey, look at Alex Let's make fun of him!" Who ever says that? I know complete *******s that don't say things like that. Really read over your words and make sure they have at least a hint of realism in there or the reader won't be able to empathize, which is of utmost importance.
Style:
Jam - The biggest problem here was that you forgot to start a new paragraph every time a new person began speaking. That’s a basic rule of writing. Also, watch out for your use of terminology. A term like “emo” may seem like second nature to people like us, but a general audience may not be familiar with it.
Virg - The story was incredibly direct. "We did this", "Alex did that", "So and so did something". There is very little set up or anything beneath the surface of the physical actions of some bullies and an emo kid shooting them. Not that it needs to be Moby ****, but it feels like a sheet of ice over a large lake: that's all we can see but there is so much more down there. There is so much more than just what a character does: explore that.
Enjoyment:
Jam - That said, this was still a moderately entertaining piece. Just watch out with forcing lessons on the reader.
Virg - The corny dialogue killed it for me. Hard for ol' Virg to get into a story without it. that and the school shooting wasn't really portrayed believably (which is sad because I wish there weren't 6 real examples for me to look at)
Airgemini - The Remedy of Death
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - You got the three people and the gun, but there’s only supposed to be one bullet.
Virg - Multiple bullets. Whoops!
Tone:
Jam - I could see Chris’ life and the surroundings very clearly, and I though that the two voices was a good touch. However, you opened the story with an information dump, and that’s a bad way to start. The voices also get overused in the end.
Virg - The first sentence killed me. You don't have to say "Hey, this is everything there is about Chris...now let's start the story." Just go. We're smart readers, we'll pick it up. Also, the Sad Psyche/Happy Psyche interactions were...well, not confusing but the opposite: very redundant. If one of the voices says "Kill yourself. You suck" we know it's Sad Psyche...no need to tell us that every single time. Gets a little tiresome.
Style:
Jam - There are numerous grammatical and syntax errors, as well as poor punctuation and run-on sentences. The biggest problem though was your dialogue tags. For example: “quickly said”; “retaliated”; “said cheerfully”; “suggested”; I found all of those just on the first page. Don’t abuse dialogue tags for variety, it detracts from the story.
Virg - I just looked over this and realized jam and I said the exact same thing (which leads me to believe his is in fact really awesome).
Enjoyment:
Jam - There are parts of a good story here. In the future, be sure not to allow stylistic mistakes to get in the way of the story you’re trying to tell.
Virg - The relationship between Chris and his mother/her boyfriend was a little unbelievable for me. Yeah, there are relationships like that, but it just felt overdone. Otherwise, it was a decent story. Still needs be be refined.
Alphican - Bang
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - You had the three people, but the owner of the club also had a gun.
Virg - Multiple guns...
Tone:
Jam - I wasn’t able to discern any kind of plot from the story, or motivation for the main character. What made him tick? Why did he do the things he did? We never find out. No one heard seven gunshots in broad daylight? How did he miss his target eight times? Nothing in this story makes sense.
Virg - There was no real foundation for the story. It was very scattered (which may represent him being mad, but that feels like ti's an accident). The guy just shoots people and randomly tries to kill them. If you wanted to delve into how he was mad or make some semblance of it things would have been better. Otherwise it's just a plotless, violent romp that doesn't really...do...anything.
Style:
Jam - Numerous spelling and grammatical errors, as wee as a clunky and disjointed feeling to the story in general. The lines about the gun being loaded demonstrate the stylistic shortcomings of the story.
Virg - In line with tone. It was just very scattered and had no cohesiveness.
Enjoyment:
Jam - I was too confused by the story to really enjoy it at all.
Virg - Halfway through I thought I was starting to get what it was about. But I didn't.
Kevin - Fast Food
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - Three people, one gun, one bullet. It’s all there.
Virg - You're good.
Tone:
Jam - This story is a convoluted mishmash. I have no idea how the opening/ending connects to the rest of the story, or how GF connects to Jamal besides the music (and that connection is tenuous at best), or how any of it fits together into something that makes sense. And why is there a list of the characters in the middle of the story?
Virg - This story made almost no sense. Yes, it started where it ended, but that was just a gimmick. The whole "I.Love.You." thing still makes me scratch my head. Just a mishmash of ideas that never achieves what it sets out to do.
Style:
Jam - There are serious problems in terms of past and present tense, as well as very strange issues in terms of the narrator. Who is the first person narrator? Why does the narrator seem to switch to third person in the intro and conclusion?
Virg - Listing the characters after the first paragraph? Even in a play that's wrong. The tenses shift and some of the grammar is horrible. The whole flow of the story just ebbs and tides back and forth and literally goes no where. Stating that a song was influential then stating the song? If it's done right then yes, but you're holding the readers hand through saying "This influenced him". There's no need.
Enjoyment:
Jam - There are glimmers of a potential story in here. It needs a great deal of work, but the hope is there.
Virg - Was far too confussed and muddled to enjoy it.
SkylerOcon - Underserving
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - There are three people involved and it’s a life-or-death situation, but there is no single-use weapon in the story.
Virg - I thought it was a creative take on the prompt.
Tone:
Jam - I just don’t buy the main character’s conflict. You had a very good premise- the thoughts of a man who knows that his survival comes at the expense of someone else’s- but I think you attacked it incorrectly. I don’t believe that anyone would seriously consider giving up their life for a motivational speaker they’ve never met, and you didn’t make me believe it through your character. If you’d approach this from a different angle, I think you could have something really good.
Virg - I think you could have picked some one more important than "motivational speaker and rich guy". No one I know of would ever give their kidney to the guy who came up with the 7 steps to success or the CEO of Exxon. Because of that the internal thoughts of the protagonist lost some of their drawing power.
Style:
Jam - I didn’t find any errors, but some of the dialogue was unnatural, especially the news reporter.
Virg - The first paragraph was really unnecessary. We could gather all of that just throughout the story. That said, for some reason the exclamation marks on the doctor's final news made me feel the words were fake: doctor's rarely exclaim something even if it's good news. maybe that's just me.
Enjoyment:
Jam - The entire situation was forced, and starts out the story on the wrong foot, It’s hard to enjoy a story that’s so implausible, even though it is well-written.
Virg - The suspense and drama of the choice were more watered down than I expected, but still a decent read.
East - Something Better
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - This was difficult for me to call, as you treat the gun itself as though it’s a person. I could really go either way, so I took the middle ground with this score.
Virg - Interesting take. Maybe a stretch, but interesting.
Tone:
Jam - I really liked the idea of having the gun tell the story. However, the paragraph where Peter has his “Why me” moment really detracts from the overall feeling of the story. I felt that scene was unnecessarily heavy-handed in an otherwise well-nuanced story. Also, what does that scene mean? Who are those people in the picture? Why does he carry a gun to job interviews?
Virg - Overall it was good. I don't know what job he had that he carried a gun with him at all times. Maybe he was auditioning to be an assassin? That and the second a mugger got to him I thought it cliche, but he is a well dressed man running through a bad place. Oh well
Style:
Jam - A very technically sound piece.
Virg - Well written. I don't have any major qualms with it. The point of view of the gun was very interesting (I liked the part where it realized what killing was).
Enjoyment:
Jam - I enjoyed this story, but in the end I was left with too many unanswered questions. There were plot lines that were left unresolved.
Virg - I enjoyed it. Maybe a little rushed, but good.
SharkAttack - Brother's Keeper
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - Three guys, a gun, and a bullet. It’s all there.
Virg - You're good to go.
Tone:
Jam - The tone is okay until about halfway through the story; that’s where Floyd begins to vocalize his situation (for example: “****! No time to change!”) This is something that is very prevalent in anime, as well as the over-explaining interior monologue (seen when Floyd sees the man on the cell phone). Both of these writing habits break narrative and really pulls the reader out of the story, which is the opposite of what you’re trying to accomplish. Also, beware summarizing your story/character, as you did in the last paragraph.
Virg - I liked the set up you had going until the chase. No one, NO ONE exclaims what they are thinking out loud in the middle of a chase. That really irked me. Also, the inclusion of Garret felt like a red herring: you explain that he's a really nice guy and that he'll probably be the one that gets killed. OK. Was bound to be some one important. Didn't really do much for me and just added a little clutter to the story.
Style:
Jam - There is some repetition and poor word choice, although grammar and spelling are good. Most of the style issues are related to the tone issues, so I won’t rehash them.
Virg - Decent. A little drawn out but that's normal in young writers.
Enjoyment:
Jam - I did like that Floyd is motivated by his love for his brother, and that he feels remorse for constantly taking from him. Once again, the tone issues are what kept me from enjoying it more.
Virg - Up until the chase I enjoyed it then it was a slippery slope. try to make it a little more consistent next time in terms of tempo and relevnace.
½NIÇK½FBM - Rage
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - You nailed the three people aspect, but there was no single-use weapon to be found. Although centering the story around Cheez-Whiz was hilarious.
Virg - Eh...it kind of fit. But the half can of cheese-wiz didn't really didn't make the situation I was looking for. Probably my fault in not elaborating.
Tone:
Jam - You did well capturing the feeling of a bunch of guys fighting over something that everyone else considers stupid. The focus on Troy early on is off-putting though, as the fight ends up being with Mark.
Virg - The set up was "Troy is a great guy but one day gets pissed" but the majority of the story until the very end doesn't deal with him. A little misleading and disappointing. The interaction between the guys was decent, but I've lived with three buffoons before and some of it felt a little contrived.
Style:
Jam - Solid, but there are spelling and grammatical mistakes throughout. Not enough to hamper enjoyment, but enough to be noticeable.
Virg - The set up of the first paragraph irks me and the conclusion felt a little...anticlimactic. he was supposed to go crazy...so he sprayed cheese-wiz? I was personally hoping he harpooned somebody and was a little let down
Enjoyment:
Jam - I was grinning from ear to ear while I read this. It was genuinely funny, and reminded me of my days in a dorm. Good work.
Virg - It was a coherent piece. And while I personally didn't think the ending was up to snuff, I understood where it was coming from. Good.
Well, that's it. I would like to personally thank Jam for volunteering his time and being super-uber punctual with his scores in comments. In fact, all of you should thank him too or I'll take a cheese grater to you :mado88:.
That said, even if you didn't place well you still finished which is more than many can say. So congrats again and see you next time we decide to have a little shin dig again And rememeber to Write With Your Power!
1st Place: Vyse - Bouquet
2nd Place: East - Something Better
3rd Place: Tom - He Followed His Orders
Honorable Mention: ½NIÇK½FBM - Rage
Congrats to Vyse who has won his 2nd WWYP (I think, correct me if I'm wrong) and everyone else who placed! East will be getting his quill and orange name shortly. But for you not up there, it's nothing be ashamed of. The only thing shameful in WWYP is not finishing your scores and comments
. That said, critique time!Tom - He Followed His Orders
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - Three people, one gun, one bullet. It’s all there.
Virg - You're good.
Tone:
Jam - The feeling and mood of the story was excellent, right up until the last paragraph. You’d established Rick’s somewhat bumbling character so well, and he sheds that persona too readily at the end. It breaks the suspense.
Virg - I liked where the story was headed, but fell flat at the end. Suspense was good, the reader didn't know exactly what was going to happen, then "bang" story is over. The way you had it the denouement should be a little less jagged
Style:
Jam - Nearly flawless. Easily the most impressive piece of the contest in terms of spelling, grammar and syntax.
Virg - Your language is good. Very good and easy reading.
Enjoyment:
Jam - As well done as this story is, I just didn’t like it that much. Mobster stories have never really been my thing, and I didn’t feel any connection to the plot of characters despite the obvious skill involved in crafting them.
Virg - Like I said in tone, it held me to a point then let me down. It felt like it was half thought through: that at the beginning there was some resolution or climax you wanted to hit and then through time or persuasion decided it wasn't worth it. As easy as it was to go through the paragraphs, once it was done it was done and left no lingering in my mind. That and I moonwalked reverse knee ledge guard today so screw you!
Tornadith - Hand-held Life Stealer
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - Followed the prompt, but the stranger was armed as well.
Virg - The prompt was made so it was a decision who got hit. May have been my mistake clarifying that. Nevertheless, the enemy also had a weapon which kind of defeats the purpose.
Tone:
Jam - The first half of the story reads like back story, and suddenly the reader is thrust into (presumably) the present for the second half. The dialogue and action is also very standard and hokey, especially Tornadith’s cry of “Noooooo!” The story lacks cohesiveness overall. That said, I felt the last line of the story was good.
Virg - The whole first paragraph was a setup paragraph, and not even a good one at that. The reader can piece together that magic exists: a fantasy author doesn't have to say "There is magic here". We'll pick it up. Also, there was nothing in the story that made me empathize with the characters. The "NOOOOO!" scream felt like it was a blacksploitation film. Work on the dialogue. Read it out loud. Would people actually say that if some one were trying to kill them?
Style:
Jam - There are spelling, syntax and grammatical errors, but the biggest style problem is the difference in tone between the two halves of the story. The dialogue also seriously detracts from the overall product.
Virg - The story is supposed to be a short story and you tried to pack more story than character in it. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but literally the only thing we see of Tornadith is that a bad guy tried to stab him and he killed him. Everything else is backstory, some not even dealing with him. Kurt Vonnegut once said that a short story has room for 1 1/2 characters. Typically you newer guys try to put too many in, but you went the opposite route and had too little. Try reading some classic short stories to see what direction they are supposed to go.
Enjoyment:
Jam - It’s too standard of a take on the fantasy genre. Don’t be afraid to branch out and try different things.
Virg - Honestly, from the first paragraph on it was more a chore to read than anything else. Very standard fantasy affair.
Mewter - Unburdened Stone
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - You had the three people, but is the hyper cube actually a weapon?
Virg - Three people, but there the weapon didn't quite fit. I mean it did, but in part of the 3 people one gun prompt it implied a decision had to be made and there really wasn't one there (kill bad guy).
Tone:
Jam - You constructed the scene, but things quickly begin to fall apart. What is the hypercube for? How are the cube, the robots and the humans related? There are references to past events (like the last war), but they don’t really tie into what’s happening now. And what exactly happens in the last paragraph? I was totally lost.
Virg - The tone was decent. You jumped around a bit and made the story a little scattered. Plots and events just kind of came out of nowhere (42 was dead...but's now alive and evil! etc.) and distracted the reader from where the story eventually led.
Style:
Jam - There are run-ons, problems with dialogue (you must start a new paragraph every time a new person talks), and a lot of ambiguity in your writing. Also there was one line where you spelled out the plot of the story. That’s a big no-no.
Virg - You had some grammatical errors and a very rushed style: you tried to pack too much into a short story. You just need to show us a glimpse, not paint a mural for us. You set up some of the characters but never finished them. Keep writing and reading: experience is there to smooth out the edges.
Enjoyment:
Jam - I would like to see where you can take this story if it was more coherent.
Virg - I enjoyed it, but a large part of that was me adjusting the story in my head as I read it.
Vyse - Bouquet
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - The final scene with Mark, Bryan and Elly is extremely well done, but there was no single-use weapon to be found.
Virg - Interesting take on it...didn't quite fit the prompt.
Tone:
Jam - This story was real and believable from the opening to the conclusion. I especially like your decision to keep Bryan a bad guy by making his choice to share a self-serving one.
Virg - You make a very believable atmosphere for your stories that let the characters breath. Not only that it was consistent. very good.
Style:
Jam - An overall strong effort marked by minor spelling and grammatical errors. The line about the Nike sweat shop was out of place, as was the smoking bit.
Virg - Good. The meeting with the girl at the flower shop made me feel like something bigger was going to happen and I don't know if I'm relieved or disappointed it didn't. A few shakes here or there in grammar. Occasionally some of the dialogue felt a little forced (the meeting between the three had a few lines).
Enjoyment:
Jam - Definitely my favorite story of the contest, and one of the top three entries I’ve ever read. I even gave it to my wife to read, which I’ve never done before. Excellent work.
Virg - Easily one of the more enjoyable stories I've read this contest. And it didn't even involve violence. Fancy that.
1 w1nged @ngel - Retribution
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - There are always at least four people present throughout the story, and the shooter has more than one bullet for most of the story.
Virg - Technically at one point there were three people and one bullet left...but the majority of the story wasn't focused on it.
Tone:
Jam - While the dialogue is cheesy (especially Alex’s), it’s not bad. What really messes this up is Rob’s inner musings about the situation being all his fault, and the forced morality statement about the path of the righteous man. Also, Alex’s apology is completely out of place.
Virg - A pet peeve of mine is bad or unnecessary dialogue. The "I'm sorry" felt completely out of place and made me shake my head: how often has a school shooter apologized after killing two people and trying to kill a third? Even at the beginning when they say "Hey, look at Alex Let's make fun of him!" Who ever says that? I know complete *******s that don't say things like that. Really read over your words and make sure they have at least a hint of realism in there or the reader won't be able to empathize, which is of utmost importance.
Style:
Jam - The biggest problem here was that you forgot to start a new paragraph every time a new person began speaking. That’s a basic rule of writing. Also, watch out for your use of terminology. A term like “emo” may seem like second nature to people like us, but a general audience may not be familiar with it.
Virg - The story was incredibly direct. "We did this", "Alex did that", "So and so did something". There is very little set up or anything beneath the surface of the physical actions of some bullies and an emo kid shooting them. Not that it needs to be Moby ****, but it feels like a sheet of ice over a large lake: that's all we can see but there is so much more down there. There is so much more than just what a character does: explore that.
Enjoyment:
Jam - That said, this was still a moderately entertaining piece. Just watch out with forcing lessons on the reader.
Virg - The corny dialogue killed it for me. Hard for ol' Virg to get into a story without it. that and the school shooting wasn't really portrayed believably (which is sad because I wish there weren't 6 real examples for me to look at
)Airgemini - The Remedy of Death
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - You got the three people and the gun, but there’s only supposed to be one bullet.
Virg - Multiple bullets. Whoops!
Tone:
Jam - I could see Chris’ life and the surroundings very clearly, and I though that the two voices was a good touch. However, you opened the story with an information dump, and that’s a bad way to start. The voices also get overused in the end.
Virg - The first sentence killed me. You don't have to say "Hey, this is everything there is about Chris...now let's start the story." Just go. We're smart readers, we'll pick it up. Also, the Sad Psyche/Happy Psyche interactions were...well, not confusing but the opposite: very redundant. If one of the voices says "Kill yourself. You suck" we know it's Sad Psyche...no need to tell us that every single time. Gets a little tiresome.
Style:
Jam - There are numerous grammatical and syntax errors, as well as poor punctuation and run-on sentences. The biggest problem though was your dialogue tags. For example: “quickly said”; “retaliated”; “said cheerfully”; “suggested”; I found all of those just on the first page. Don’t abuse dialogue tags for variety, it detracts from the story.
Virg - I just looked over this and realized jam and I said the exact same thing (which leads me to believe his is in fact really awesome).
Enjoyment:
Jam - There are parts of a good story here. In the future, be sure not to allow stylistic mistakes to get in the way of the story you’re trying to tell.
Virg - The relationship between Chris and his mother/her boyfriend was a little unbelievable for me. Yeah, there are relationships like that, but it just felt overdone. Otherwise, it was a decent story. Still needs be be refined.
Alphican - Bang
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - You had the three people, but the owner of the club also had a gun.
Virg - Multiple guns...
Tone:
Jam - I wasn’t able to discern any kind of plot from the story, or motivation for the main character. What made him tick? Why did he do the things he did? We never find out. No one heard seven gunshots in broad daylight? How did he miss his target eight times? Nothing in this story makes sense.
Virg - There was no real foundation for the story. It was very scattered (which may represent him being mad, but that feels like ti's an accident). The guy just shoots people and randomly tries to kill them. If you wanted to delve into how he was mad or make some semblance of it things would have been better. Otherwise it's just a plotless, violent romp that doesn't really...do...anything.
Style:
Jam - Numerous spelling and grammatical errors, as wee as a clunky and disjointed feeling to the story in general. The lines about the gun being loaded demonstrate the stylistic shortcomings of the story.
Virg - In line with tone. It was just very scattered and had no cohesiveness.
Enjoyment:
Jam - I was too confused by the story to really enjoy it at all.
Virg - Halfway through I thought I was starting to get what it was about. But I didn't.
Kevin - Fast Food
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - Three people, one gun, one bullet. It’s all there.
Virg - You're good.
Tone:
Jam - This story is a convoluted mishmash. I have no idea how the opening/ending connects to the rest of the story, or how GF connects to Jamal besides the music (and that connection is tenuous at best), or how any of it fits together into something that makes sense. And why is there a list of the characters in the middle of the story?
Virg - This story made almost no sense. Yes, it started where it ended, but that was just a gimmick. The whole "I.Love.You." thing still makes me scratch my head. Just a mishmash of ideas that never achieves what it sets out to do.
Style:
Jam - There are serious problems in terms of past and present tense, as well as very strange issues in terms of the narrator. Who is the first person narrator? Why does the narrator seem to switch to third person in the intro and conclusion?
Virg - Listing the characters after the first paragraph? Even in a play that's wrong. The tenses shift and some of the grammar is horrible. The whole flow of the story just ebbs and tides back and forth and literally goes no where. Stating that a song was influential then stating the song? If it's done right then yes, but you're holding the readers hand through saying "This influenced him". There's no need.
Enjoyment:
Jam - There are glimmers of a potential story in here. It needs a great deal of work, but the hope is there.
Virg - Was far too confussed and muddled to enjoy it.
SkylerOcon - Underserving
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - There are three people involved and it’s a life-or-death situation, but there is no single-use weapon in the story.
Virg - I thought it was a creative take on the prompt.
Tone:
Jam - I just don’t buy the main character’s conflict. You had a very good premise- the thoughts of a man who knows that his survival comes at the expense of someone else’s- but I think you attacked it incorrectly. I don’t believe that anyone would seriously consider giving up their life for a motivational speaker they’ve never met, and you didn’t make me believe it through your character. If you’d approach this from a different angle, I think you could have something really good.
Virg - I think you could have picked some one more important than "motivational speaker and rich guy". No one I know of would ever give their kidney to the guy who came up with the 7 steps to success or the CEO of Exxon. Because of that the internal thoughts of the protagonist lost some of their drawing power.
Style:
Jam - I didn’t find any errors, but some of the dialogue was unnatural, especially the news reporter.
Virg - The first paragraph was really unnecessary. We could gather all of that just throughout the story. That said, for some reason the exclamation marks on the doctor's final news made me feel the words were fake: doctor's rarely exclaim something even if it's good news. maybe that's just me.
Enjoyment:
Jam - The entire situation was forced, and starts out the story on the wrong foot, It’s hard to enjoy a story that’s so implausible, even though it is well-written.
Virg - The suspense and drama of the choice were more watered down than I expected, but still a decent read.
East - Something Better
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - This was difficult for me to call, as you treat the gun itself as though it’s a person. I could really go either way, so I took the middle ground with this score.
Virg - Interesting take. Maybe a stretch, but interesting.
Tone:
Jam - I really liked the idea of having the gun tell the story. However, the paragraph where Peter has his “Why me” moment really detracts from the overall feeling of the story. I felt that scene was unnecessarily heavy-handed in an otherwise well-nuanced story. Also, what does that scene mean? Who are those people in the picture? Why does he carry a gun to job interviews?
Virg - Overall it was good. I don't know what job he had that he carried a gun with him at all times. Maybe he was auditioning to be an assassin? That and the second a mugger got to him I thought it cliche, but he is a well dressed man running through a bad place. Oh well
Style:
Jam - A very technically sound piece.
Virg - Well written. I don't have any major qualms with it. The point of view of the gun was very interesting (I liked the part where it realized what killing was).
Enjoyment:
Jam - I enjoyed this story, but in the end I was left with too many unanswered questions. There were plot lines that were left unresolved.
Virg - I enjoyed it. Maybe a little rushed, but good.
SharkAttack - Brother's Keeper
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - Three guys, a gun, and a bullet. It’s all there.
Virg - You're good to go.
Tone:
Jam - The tone is okay until about halfway through the story; that’s where Floyd begins to vocalize his situation (for example: “****! No time to change!”) This is something that is very prevalent in anime, as well as the over-explaining interior monologue (seen when Floyd sees the man on the cell phone). Both of these writing habits break narrative and really pulls the reader out of the story, which is the opposite of what you’re trying to accomplish. Also, beware summarizing your story/character, as you did in the last paragraph.
Virg - I liked the set up you had going until the chase. No one, NO ONE exclaims what they are thinking out loud in the middle of a chase. That really irked me. Also, the inclusion of Garret felt like a red herring: you explain that he's a really nice guy and that he'll probably be the one that gets killed. OK. Was bound to be some one important. Didn't really do much for me and just added a little clutter to the story.
Style:
Jam - There is some repetition and poor word choice, although grammar and spelling are good. Most of the style issues are related to the tone issues, so I won’t rehash them.
Virg - Decent. A little drawn out but that's normal in young writers.
Enjoyment:
Jam - I did like that Floyd is motivated by his love for his brother, and that he feels remorse for constantly taking from him. Once again, the tone issues are what kept me from enjoying it more.
Virg - Up until the chase I enjoyed it then it was a slippery slope. try to make it a little more consistent next time in terms of tempo and relevnace.
½NIÇK½FBM - Rage
Adherence to Prompt:
Jam - You nailed the three people aspect, but there was no single-use weapon to be found. Although centering the story around Cheez-Whiz was hilarious.
Virg - Eh...it kind of fit. But the half can of cheese-wiz didn't really didn't make the situation I was looking for. Probably my fault in not elaborating.
Tone:
Jam - You did well capturing the feeling of a bunch of guys fighting over something that everyone else considers stupid. The focus on Troy early on is off-putting though, as the fight ends up being with Mark.
Virg - The set up was "Troy is a great guy but one day gets pissed" but the majority of the story until the very end doesn't deal with him. A little misleading and disappointing. The interaction between the guys was decent, but I've lived with three buffoons before and some of it felt a little contrived.
Style:
Jam - Solid, but there are spelling and grammatical mistakes throughout. Not enough to hamper enjoyment, but enough to be noticeable.
Virg - The set up of the first paragraph irks me and the conclusion felt a little...anticlimactic. he was supposed to go crazy...so he sprayed cheese-wiz? I was personally hoping he harpooned somebody and was a little let down
Enjoyment:
Jam - I was grinning from ear to ear while I read this. It was genuinely funny, and reminded me of my days in a dorm. Good work.
Virg - It was a coherent piece. And while I personally didn't think the ending was up to snuff, I understood where it was coming from. Good.
Well, that's it. I would like to personally thank Jam for volunteering his time and being super-uber punctual with his scores in comments. In fact, all of you should thank him too or I'll take a cheese grater to you :mado88:.
That said, even if you didn't place well you still finished which is more than many can say. So congrats again and see you next time we decide to have a little shin dig again
And rememeber to Write With Your Power!
