Writing Prompt: Think Clearly

[Crimson King]

http://www.smashboards.com/showpost.php?p=7532328&postcount=60

In that post, I cited my teacher's advice on writing clearly. That gave me the perfect idea for a short, 100-word min. prompt. The idea is to tell a story where someone is upset with someone. You don't have to set up the scene in any way, but you can start from the very beginning of the argument. For example:

Laura stared her son down as if he burned the Capitol. She was still shaking over the phone call she received.

"How..." Her voice trembled towards a cry. "How could you do something like this?" She questioned her son. He stared at the ground unable to answer.

Something really simple to get people writing something other than fan fiction. No deadline or anything, this is simply a "for fun" idea to get people writing. I will critique if you wish.

 

[Jam Stunna]

I'll take a shot. Critique away!

James’ father wasn’t a yeller. James Sr. was a quiet man, especially in anger. He would stick his large hands into his pockets, and rock back and forth on his heels. The muscles would clench in his jaw as he silently ground his teeth. It was the kind of anger that frightened him. There was no telling how intense it was beneath the almost calming image of his father swaying rhythmically.

He was performing this ritual when James stepped through his front door. Except his left hand was out of its pocket. It was holding something. A gold, square-shaped wrapper with the outline of a circle in the middle. James’ pulse drummed in his ears.

“Junior,” his father said softly, “We need to talk.”

 

[Crimson King]

James’ father wasn’t a yeller. James Sr. was a quiet man, especially in anger.[1] He would stick his large hands into his pockets, and rock back and forth on his heels. The muscles would clench in his jaw as he silently ground his teeth. It was the kind of anger that frightened him[2]. There was no telling how intense it was beneath the almost calming image of his father swaying rhythmically[3].

He was performing this ritual when James stepped through his front door. Except his left hand was out of its pocket. It was holding something. A gold, square-shaped wrapper with the outline of a circle in the middle. James’ pulse drummed in his ears.[4]

“Junior,” his father said softly, “We need to talk.”

1 - I think this line is redundant or it could be merged into the previous one. I like the message of both lines, but for some reason, it makes me stop when I am reading.

2 - Frightened who? Not sure who the pronoun refers, but I love this image.

3 - Thank you for a perfect example - How do you know it is rhythmically? Maybe he is off a rhythm. This one word is probably the most telling you did in the entire paragraph, but think how much more clearer it would be if it said "swaying slowly back and forth [add a simile - all I can think of is an old rocking chair, which as a child scared me to death when it would rock and creak]. In all honesty, rhythmically is fine, but I still wanted to call into question its usage. Is it the strongest thing you can put here?

4 - You son of a *****. Now, you drew me in. This one paragraph hooked me so hard into the story that I wanted more. I think that is your best writing feature - you can write hooks early on.

Feel free to discuss this if you need some clarity.

 

[El Nino]

There was no telling how intense it was beneath the almost calming image of his father swaying rhythmically.

This sentence could be more...uh, streamline? For instance, why "it" rather than "he"? Like: "...how intense he was beneath the calm, as he swayed back and forth," except something better that I'm sure you'd be able to come up with.

Mine:

He pointed his finger at my face, and I felt it from the other side of the room. A sensation grabbed the bridge of my nose, like something invisible pressing there. He didn’t have a weapon. He didn’t need one. I stepped off the attack path. The pressure on my nose slipped away.

My body didn’t ask permission. It saw that he was wide open. Then I was at the head of a freight train barreling down a tunnel, he, in my path, and the decision made.

It would be now, for all the other times when I did not.

I think we're following the same motif.

 

[Crimson King]

He pointed his finger at my face, and I felt it from the other side of the roomGood. A sensation grabbed the bridge of my nose, like something invisible pressing there. He didn’t have a weapon; he didn’t need one. I stepped off the attack path. The pressure on my nose slipped away.

My body didn’t ask permission. It saw that he was wide open. Then I was at the head of a freight train barreling down a tunnel, he, in my path, and the decision made.

It would be now, for all the other times when I did not.

This passage is a good example of clear writing without saying much of anything. With Jam's I have a lot to say - James, Jr. did something to enrage his father James' Sr. whose anger is unexpected. With yours, I really can't get a feel for the characters nor the situation at hand. It feels like this undefined "I" has made a great decision and this other undefined "he" is pointing at him. You use some good imagery in describing the rage and fear, but no imagery of characterization.

 

[SkylerOcon]

There are never many days when teenage boys will willingly get out of bed before 11 A.M. Instead of waking up early – as most people tend to do when they grow older – teens prefer to laze around in bed much like a Sloth would in a tree. If they wake up before 11, they just grab the covers and pull them tight to their body. Very rarely will a teenager’s motivation to get out of bed early be something other than their mother’s shouting the word ‘breakfast’.

However, there is one other, very common, way to get teen’s to drag their asses out of bed.

“Time for school!”

“God dammit.”

It doesn't really have the more mature themes than the previous two had have, but I wrote this because all I've been writing recently is darker stuff and I wanted to write something that's not necessarily funny, but more light-hearted.

Critique (obliterate) away!

 

[El Nino]

This passage is a good example of clear writing without saying much of anything. With Jam's I have a lot to say - James, Jr. did something to enrage his father James' Sr. whose anger is unexpected. With yours, I really can't get a feel for the characters nor the situation at hand. It feels like this undefined "I" has made a great decision and this other undefined "he" is pointing at him. You use some good imagery in describing the rage and fear, but no imagery of characterization.

Thanks. Actually, I blow pretty hard at short form. I could possibly tell this story in 500 words (maybe), but that's not likely either. To keep it at 100 words, I had to keep "he" in place of "my father."

Also, I've been avoiding semicolons lately because just a while back I was abusing them like crazy. Sometimes, I overcompensate.

much like a Sloth would in a tree.

Does "Sloth" have to be capitalized?

to get teen’s

Should be "teens."

I think you could condense the first paragraph. There are four sentences describing how teenage boys don't like to wake up early, but I think you could find a more creative way of saying that in a single sentence. There's already a comparison made to a sloth, so there's no great need to drill in that point too much more.

The image of a mother shouting, "Breakfast!" in the morning is cliche by now, isn't it?

I actually don't mind the somewhat patronizing narrator making sweeping generalizations, but is that voice best suited for this situation? Depends on what you're going for, and I'm not entirely sure what that is. If you were going for the nature-documentary voiceover, that'd be funny. But condensing the beginning would allow you more space to focus on the conflict. Yes, we all know kids hate school. Taking a closer perspective from the mind of a grumpy teenager woken up and forced to go to class allows for a more personal reading. However, the "patronizing observer" approach could be played from a humor angle.

 

[Crimson King]

I was away for the weekend. I'll catch up with these tomorrow.

As promised:

There are never many (are never many sounds off; I'd put "aren't many" that sounds less mechanical) days when teenage boys will willingly get out of bed before 11 A.M. Instead of waking up early – as most people tend to do when they grow older – teens prefer to laze around in bed much like a Sloth would in a tree. (Okay, this is a good one so far, but the sentence lacks something. I don't feel it pop at all) If they wake up before 11, they just grab the covers and pull them tight to their body. Very rarely will a teenager’s motivation to get out of bed early be something other than their mother’s shouting the word ‘breakfast’.

However, there is one other, very common, way to get teen’s to drag their ***** out of bed.

“Time for school!”

“God dammit.”

The piece lacked much personality or characters. It felt like one of those school beginner reading compositions that are very sweeping and general with no personality. Writing-wise, it isn't bad. I'd omit "very," and a few other words, but you need to inject humanity.