Link to original post: [drupal=4468]Why my grandmother is a miracle worker[/drupal]
(Be prepared...just a 2/3am rant. It helps me to focus my thoughts : o)
This summer. It's been one of the best and one of the worst summers all at the same time. Those types of contradictions are all too common in my life, but that doesn't make it any less perplexing or, even at times, exasperating. I've been pretty stressed, in all honesty. My mom and I have been fighting constantly. She's stressed because the cancer just kept hurting my grandma more and more, and my mom couldn't be there with her every second of the day, seeing as we live 2 and a half hours away. I've been freaking out over college and classes and tests that I need to take before I go away to school, my family's well-being, and other personal matters. When I'm stressed, I start spending a lot of time just pondering to myself. Yeah, that sounds good, but I usually just manage to back myself into a corner mentally. I'm usually pretty composed...crazy and silly, but composed. But, I've had two breakdowns within the past month, and I've basically been having major temper issues. This isn't normal. I'm a happy camper. But, that's how things have been. It doesn't help that I bottle my emotions. I've never been good at expressing unhappy emotions. Sadness, I can cry, but anger...well...I don't know how to deal with anger. It's been a whirlwind of emotions.
And I thought it would just get worse after Saturday. I had went to bed at 4am "Friday" night only to be awoken at 7:30am by the sounds of hysterical sobbing. My immediate reaction to waking up would usually be rolling around in bed for an hour, half asleep, grumbling that it was morning. But, on that day, I immediately woke up and ran to the source of the crying: my mother. I hugged her, knowing full well what had happened: after a tough 7 or 8 month battle with lung cancer, Grandma Mary Jane, my only surviving grandparent on my mom's side had passed. Grandma Mary Jane, my silly, blind, fun loving grandmother who gave weird hugs and went to Florida to hang out and rule over the condo complex, wasn't going to be around anymore to ask us to read her a menu or to hold her hand while walking around a small little neighborhood in Cape Cod. That woman who managed to raise 7 kids after being widowed at age 35, was suddenly gone. There'd be no more books on tape on long car rides or the sounds of her yelling "CALL DORIS!" to her phone. I just saw her almost 3 weeks ago for her 83rd birthday party. I just had a Skype call with her and my aunts a few days ago. We knew it was coming...just not this soon.
It was a surreal morning. I tried to go back to sleep; I just couldn't. I watched TV with my dad, fighting back tears so I could be strong for my little sister and my mom for the entire morning. Mom left for PA a few hours later with my aunt and uncle. We weren't far behind. After a 2.5 hour trip, we made it to her little house on Peach street. Six out of seven of the siblings were there. My family somehow got a hold of a will (I don't think it was her current will). My sister and I were sent away...happily in fact. I didn't want to be there. Neither did my sister. It was sickening, reading her will barely 12 hours after her passing...IN HER OWN HOUSE...BY HER OWN CHILDREN. They were doing this with ill intentions, not to get money, but to make sure certain family members didn't get their way. My sister was crying as we sat upstairs. My cousin Melissa arrived eventually, and we escaped to get ice cream and calm our nerves. Then, we left.
I managed to distract myself for the next few days: grad parties, family reunion on my dad's side of the family at my grandparent's cottage on Lake Erie, work, and hanging out with people. I thought I was going to be a-okay. Though, that's when my second breakdown hit. I was angry with someone. It was just a stupid little quarrel....but it managed to set me off. I just started crying. I never gave myself a proper chance to grieve. I've been trying to keep a tough face for my sister...but it was eating away my insides. After I settled down, I felt a lot better.
Then it was Wednesday. Day 2 of the wake. I missed day 1 for my last day at work, but we made sure to arrive early for day 2. I arrived with my dad, sister, and cousin Kristen to the funeral home around 1 pm on Wednesday. We hugged people, and then the cousins managed to secure a corner with some chairs and couches. After a few of the cousins were all together, I managed to attempt to look at the casket. Grandma looked so pretty. She had lost a serious amount of weight because of the cancer, and had looked very sickly. But now, she looked at peace. It made me happy.
I knew this was going to be rough. But, I managed to keep my cool...because of my cousins. You see, my family has never been close on that side. There's always been drama between the siblings, and theres a lot of dysfunctionality and resentment. I see a few of my cousins very often because they live in Ohio, but the rest are either in the Air Force or having their own families or I they just don't go to family functions ever. I thought it'd be awkward having to be with these people I barely know for this tough time. But, I was dead wrong. My cousin Bryan's 4 sons, who are the youngest, became like little brothers to me. Alexander, the oldest, is 16 has a great sense of humor and was keeping up with his older cousins. His little brothers, Tyler (14), Dawson (11), and Carsyn(8), are all insane and funny and so adorable. My uncle Mike's sons Mikey Jr. and Andy came with their girlfriends. I haven't said more than 10 words to them in my life...and now Mikey, his girlfriend Mahal, and my other cousins, are planning a trip to a baseball game before I go to college. He's so funny and his girlfriend fits in with us so well. The cousins formed a little clique of silly gossip and jokes (which got a little awful at times, of course). By the end of the wake, I was being called over by Mikey every few minutes, asking if I have "confirmation" on gossip, or I was being threatened to fight cute little Carsyn because he is a little tough guy. Despite it having to be this occasion, we finally became a family.
The funeral was Thursday. All the grandchildren took part: the older guys were pallbearers. The younger cousins put flowers on the casket. And, my cousin Kristen and I were assigned the first and second readings. I got the second Letter of St. Paul to the Corinthians, Chapters 4 and 5. This reading discusses how God will raise us to his presence, and how everything physical is temporary, but our inner selves are eternal. That was true of my grandmother: she was sickly and frail during her last weeks, but she was faithful and strong and loving. She's a tough woman who has faced so much, and accomplished great things.
...One of them being the unification of our generation of kids. The grandkids range in ages from 45 to 15, with the great grandkids ranging from newborns to the age of 16. And sadly, as I said before, only a few of us had close relationships. But, we all managed to close many gaps through this ordeal. Even though there are 3 cousins we still don't talk to for certain familial issues/the risk of starting major drama, most of us got closer and have become fast friends. I've never enjoyed the company of this side of my family in my life. There's always been too much drama. But, with all the cousins and second cousins and aunts and uncles and close family friends together, we all bonded and finally became a family, the family that Mary Jane wanted us to be. I was sitting with my cousin Mike (yes, another Mike) Wednesday night at the hotel. Our whole group was outside, laughing and talking and having a great time. Mike and I were observing, and we remarked that it was sad that it took Grandma's passing to make us this close, but this was kind of her final gift to a family she gave so much to. This was her final wish. Thanks to her, we're a family. I'll never forget you Grandma, you are a great woman, who even in death, can change the lives of so many people.
Because of this, I'm now going to make plans to hang out with my mom's side of the family whenever I'm able to see them. I'm going to spend as much time with my cousin Bryan and his crazy kids when I'm in Pittsburgh for college. And, we might finally be getting family reunions back, so we can spend time together and be happy.
Thanks Grandma. I love you. Thanks to you, I feel like everything is going to be okay. If we can overcome the seemingly infinite gaps in the family, we can do anything.
For this momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to what is seen but to what is unseen; what is seen is transitory, but what is unseen is eternal - 2 Corinthians 4:14-5:1
(Be prepared...just a 2/3am rant. It helps me to focus my thoughts : o)
This summer. It's been one of the best and one of the worst summers all at the same time. Those types of contradictions are all too common in my life, but that doesn't make it any less perplexing or, even at times, exasperating. I've been pretty stressed, in all honesty. My mom and I have been fighting constantly. She's stressed because the cancer just kept hurting my grandma more and more, and my mom couldn't be there with her every second of the day, seeing as we live 2 and a half hours away. I've been freaking out over college and classes and tests that I need to take before I go away to school, my family's well-being, and other personal matters. When I'm stressed, I start spending a lot of time just pondering to myself. Yeah, that sounds good, but I usually just manage to back myself into a corner mentally. I'm usually pretty composed...crazy and silly, but composed. But, I've had two breakdowns within the past month, and I've basically been having major temper issues. This isn't normal. I'm a happy camper. But, that's how things have been. It doesn't help that I bottle my emotions. I've never been good at expressing unhappy emotions. Sadness, I can cry, but anger...well...I don't know how to deal with anger. It's been a whirlwind of emotions.
And I thought it would just get worse after Saturday. I had went to bed at 4am "Friday" night only to be awoken at 7:30am by the sounds of hysterical sobbing. My immediate reaction to waking up would usually be rolling around in bed for an hour, half asleep, grumbling that it was morning. But, on that day, I immediately woke up and ran to the source of the crying: my mother. I hugged her, knowing full well what had happened: after a tough 7 or 8 month battle with lung cancer, Grandma Mary Jane, my only surviving grandparent on my mom's side had passed. Grandma Mary Jane, my silly, blind, fun loving grandmother who gave weird hugs and went to Florida to hang out and rule over the condo complex, wasn't going to be around anymore to ask us to read her a menu or to hold her hand while walking around a small little neighborhood in Cape Cod. That woman who managed to raise 7 kids after being widowed at age 35, was suddenly gone. There'd be no more books on tape on long car rides or the sounds of her yelling "CALL DORIS!" to her phone. I just saw her almost 3 weeks ago for her 83rd birthday party. I just had a Skype call with her and my aunts a few days ago. We knew it was coming...just not this soon.
It was a surreal morning. I tried to go back to sleep; I just couldn't. I watched TV with my dad, fighting back tears so I could be strong for my little sister and my mom for the entire morning. Mom left for PA a few hours later with my aunt and uncle. We weren't far behind. After a 2.5 hour trip, we made it to her little house on Peach street. Six out of seven of the siblings were there. My family somehow got a hold of a will (I don't think it was her current will). My sister and I were sent away...happily in fact. I didn't want to be there. Neither did my sister. It was sickening, reading her will barely 12 hours after her passing...IN HER OWN HOUSE...BY HER OWN CHILDREN. They were doing this with ill intentions, not to get money, but to make sure certain family members didn't get their way. My sister was crying as we sat upstairs. My cousin Melissa arrived eventually, and we escaped to get ice cream and calm our nerves. Then, we left.
I managed to distract myself for the next few days: grad parties, family reunion on my dad's side of the family at my grandparent's cottage on Lake Erie, work, and hanging out with people. I thought I was going to be a-okay. Though, that's when my second breakdown hit. I was angry with someone. It was just a stupid little quarrel....but it managed to set me off. I just started crying. I never gave myself a proper chance to grieve. I've been trying to keep a tough face for my sister...but it was eating away my insides. After I settled down, I felt a lot better.
Then it was Wednesday. Day 2 of the wake. I missed day 1 for my last day at work, but we made sure to arrive early for day 2. I arrived with my dad, sister, and cousin Kristen to the funeral home around 1 pm on Wednesday. We hugged people, and then the cousins managed to secure a corner with some chairs and couches. After a few of the cousins were all together, I managed to attempt to look at the casket. Grandma looked so pretty. She had lost a serious amount of weight because of the cancer, and had looked very sickly. But now, she looked at peace. It made me happy.
I knew this was going to be rough. But, I managed to keep my cool...because of my cousins. You see, my family has never been close on that side. There's always been drama between the siblings, and theres a lot of dysfunctionality and resentment. I see a few of my cousins very often because they live in Ohio, but the rest are either in the Air Force or having their own families or I they just don't go to family functions ever. I thought it'd be awkward having to be with these people I barely know for this tough time. But, I was dead wrong. My cousin Bryan's 4 sons, who are the youngest, became like little brothers to me. Alexander, the oldest, is 16 has a great sense of humor and was keeping up with his older cousins. His little brothers, Tyler (14), Dawson (11), and Carsyn(8), are all insane and funny and so adorable. My uncle Mike's sons Mikey Jr. and Andy came with their girlfriends. I haven't said more than 10 words to them in my life...and now Mikey, his girlfriend Mahal, and my other cousins, are planning a trip to a baseball game before I go to college. He's so funny and his girlfriend fits in with us so well. The cousins formed a little clique of silly gossip and jokes (which got a little awful at times, of course). By the end of the wake, I was being called over by Mikey every few minutes, asking if I have "confirmation" on gossip, or I was being threatened to fight cute little Carsyn because he is a little tough guy. Despite it having to be this occasion, we finally became a family.
The funeral was Thursday. All the grandchildren took part: the older guys were pallbearers. The younger cousins put flowers on the casket. And, my cousin Kristen and I were assigned the first and second readings. I got the second Letter of St. Paul to the Corinthians, Chapters 4 and 5. This reading discusses how God will raise us to his presence, and how everything physical is temporary, but our inner selves are eternal. That was true of my grandmother: she was sickly and frail during her last weeks, but she was faithful and strong and loving. She's a tough woman who has faced so much, and accomplished great things.
...One of them being the unification of our generation of kids. The grandkids range in ages from 45 to 15, with the great grandkids ranging from newborns to the age of 16. And sadly, as I said before, only a few of us had close relationships. But, we all managed to close many gaps through this ordeal. Even though there are 3 cousins we still don't talk to for certain familial issues/the risk of starting major drama, most of us got closer and have become fast friends. I've never enjoyed the company of this side of my family in my life. There's always been too much drama. But, with all the cousins and second cousins and aunts and uncles and close family friends together, we all bonded and finally became a family, the family that Mary Jane wanted us to be. I was sitting with my cousin Mike (yes, another Mike) Wednesday night at the hotel. Our whole group was outside, laughing and talking and having a great time. Mike and I were observing, and we remarked that it was sad that it took Grandma's passing to make us this close, but this was kind of her final gift to a family she gave so much to. This was her final wish. Thanks to her, we're a family. I'll never forget you Grandma, you are a great woman, who even in death, can change the lives of so many people.
Because of this, I'm now going to make plans to hang out with my mom's side of the family whenever I'm able to see them. I'm going to spend as much time with my cousin Bryan and his crazy kids when I'm in Pittsburgh for college. And, we might finally be getting family reunions back, so we can spend time together and be happy.
Thanks Grandma. I love you. Thanks to you, I feel like everything is going to be okay. If we can overcome the seemingly infinite gaps in the family, we can do anything.
For this momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to what is seen but to what is unseen; what is seen is transitory, but what is unseen is eternal - 2 Corinthians 4:14-5:1
