Sandy
Smash Champion
“What Really Happened at the End of Ocarina of Time”
((A/N: Well, I finished Ocarina of Time not too long ago. Then I got this crazy idea: what if Link, Ganondorf, Zelda, and Navi didn’t follow what the game was programmed to do? What if they just ran wild? You know? Enjoy the crazy, innermost workings of my twisted little mind.))
Link bursts dramatically into the room with Ganondorf and Zelda. Ganondorf turns slowly around from the organ to face his visitor.
Ganondorf: So... You have come to save the Princess Zelda, have you? Well, to bad! You ain’t getting her back!
Link: No! (Pulls out sword) I shall smite thee!
Ganondorf: “I shall smite thee”? Where the hell did that come from? Dude, you gotta stop improvising when you don’t know your lines!
Link looks embarrassedly down at his boots. He scratches his head. Finally, he lifts up his head and speaks.
Link: Well, you know... I’m a busy guy. Nintendo keeps making all theses games about me, and it gets hard to remember all my lines. I think that’s from a different one of their games.
Ganondorf: You’re a fricking non-speaking character, Link! You don’t have any “lines”! If any, the player of the game chooses what you say, and it’s usually “yes”, “no”, “ask about...”, or something stupid like that. I, on the other hand, have so many good lines that I must remember!
Zelda: (taps on prison) Um... Shouldn’t you be monologuing about the Triforce pieces coming together? Come on! We’ve got a fight scene coming up soon!
Navi: Yeah, Link! Keep it together!
Link glares up at the fairy floating by his ear. He taps his foot.
Link: Navi, shouldn’t you be saying something about how you can’t help me in the fight?
Navi: I would, except the King of Stupid over there won’t do his whole “waves of dark energy” bit!
Ganondorf: That’s King of Evil! You stupid gnat!
Ganondorf looks incredibly angry and starts to aim an attack at Navi. Link gives a startled cry and knocks his hand away.
Link: You can’t kill her! She helps me when you turn into your Ganon form! Remember? It’s in the script?
Ganondorf trudges over to the organ seat and picks up a packet of papers titled “Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time–Ending.” Humming to himself, he flips a couple of pages and nods.
Ganondorf: Oh. I see. Yeah. She does.
Link: See? I told you!
Navi flies up to Zelda’s prison. Zelda looks pityingly at the fairy.
Zelda: I feel so bad for you. You’re stuck with the poor ditz.
Navi: Yeah, but only in this game. I either don’t exist or left him to go somewhere else in all the others.
Zelda sighs and looks down at Link and Ganondorf fighting.
Zelda: We’re never going to get through this, are we?
Navi: I really doubt it.
Zelda: Time for female intervention!
Zelda motions for Navi to come closer. The fairy presses herself up against the walls of the prison. Zelda whispers something to her. Navi jumps back.
Navi: Zelda, are you nuts? The producers would have our heads! You can’t possibly go for something that drastic! I mean, Ganondorf and Link’s going on about things is only slightly off the script, but this...
Zelda makes a few mysterious motions and transforms into Sheik. Once transformed, she breaks out of the prison. Link and Ganondorf turn in surprise.
Ganondorf: What the hell? Link, what the hell is your girlfriend doing cross-dressing?
Link: She’s not my girlfriend! Honestly, Ganondorf, if you go through the game carefully, you’ll find all these little hints that make the two of us out to be brother and sister.
Ganondorf: Well, I can’t go through the game, as you say. I’m in the game.
Zelda raises her hand and fires a stream of poison needles at Ganondorf. Ganondorf falls down, twitching, and finally dies. Link and Navi are both stunned.
Navi: Hey! Listen!
Link: Zelda! He isn’t actually a bad guy! He’s only acting! He’s my best fri—
Link stops in mid word as Zelda turns on him and fires another stream of poison needles at him. He too falls to the floor, dead. Navi circles Link’s body and finally turns to Zelda.
Navi: Zelda! You just killed the main character in the game! Not only in this game, but in about twelve other ones, too! What do you think the producers will say when they see how far you went off the scr...
Navi trails off as Zelda pulls her copy of the script from her pocket. Zelda also takes out a ballpoint pen and starts to scribble something furiously on the open script. Navi leans over her shoulder. Zelda shows her the finished product.
Zelda: Am I a genius, or am I a genius?
Navi: You are a genius. I’d give you a high-five, but I have no hands to speak of.
Zelda’s writing reads “Ganondorf and Link fight to the death, leaving no winner. Zelda wises up and realizes that she can free herself by becoming Sheik. Just as she is fully transformed, Link wakes up. Since he is heavily wounded, Zelda makes a mercy killing. She and Navi leave quietly, praying for the souls of the two departed.” Zelda tosses the script to the floor beside Link’s body.
Zelda: So, let’s go! It says we have to leave right here in the script.
Navi: Hey! I’m down with that! Come on, Let’s go down to Lon-Lon Ranch and play games!
Link suddenly comes to. Zelda’s darts did not kill him, only knocked him out for a brief period. He spots Zelda’s script and picks it up. After he finishes reading it, he growls.
Link: ZELDA! THAT’S NOT HOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO GO! GET BACK HERE!
Ganondorf: (sits up dizzily) Link... Could you keep your voice down? Those poison needles are giving me a headache...
((A/N: Well, I finished Ocarina of Time not too long ago. Then I got this crazy idea: what if Link, Ganondorf, Zelda, and Navi didn’t follow what the game was programmed to do? What if they just ran wild? You know? Enjoy the crazy, innermost workings of my twisted little mind.))
Link bursts dramatically into the room with Ganondorf and Zelda. Ganondorf turns slowly around from the organ to face his visitor.
Ganondorf: So... You have come to save the Princess Zelda, have you? Well, to bad! You ain’t getting her back!
Link: No! (Pulls out sword) I shall smite thee!
Ganondorf: “I shall smite thee”? Where the hell did that come from? Dude, you gotta stop improvising when you don’t know your lines!
Link looks embarrassedly down at his boots. He scratches his head. Finally, he lifts up his head and speaks.
Link: Well, you know... I’m a busy guy. Nintendo keeps making all theses games about me, and it gets hard to remember all my lines. I think that’s from a different one of their games.
Ganondorf: You’re a fricking non-speaking character, Link! You don’t have any “lines”! If any, the player of the game chooses what you say, and it’s usually “yes”, “no”, “ask about...”, or something stupid like that. I, on the other hand, have so many good lines that I must remember!
Zelda: (taps on prison) Um... Shouldn’t you be monologuing about the Triforce pieces coming together? Come on! We’ve got a fight scene coming up soon!
Navi: Yeah, Link! Keep it together!
Link glares up at the fairy floating by his ear. He taps his foot.
Link: Navi, shouldn’t you be saying something about how you can’t help me in the fight?
Navi: I would, except the King of Stupid over there won’t do his whole “waves of dark energy” bit!
Ganondorf: That’s King of Evil! You stupid gnat!
Ganondorf looks incredibly angry and starts to aim an attack at Navi. Link gives a startled cry and knocks his hand away.
Link: You can’t kill her! She helps me when you turn into your Ganon form! Remember? It’s in the script?
Ganondorf trudges over to the organ seat and picks up a packet of papers titled “Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time–Ending.” Humming to himself, he flips a couple of pages and nods.
Ganondorf: Oh. I see. Yeah. She does.
Link: See? I told you!
Navi flies up to Zelda’s prison. Zelda looks pityingly at the fairy.
Zelda: I feel so bad for you. You’re stuck with the poor ditz.
Navi: Yeah, but only in this game. I either don’t exist or left him to go somewhere else in all the others.
Zelda sighs and looks down at Link and Ganondorf fighting.
Zelda: We’re never going to get through this, are we?
Navi: I really doubt it.
Zelda: Time for female intervention!
Zelda motions for Navi to come closer. The fairy presses herself up against the walls of the prison. Zelda whispers something to her. Navi jumps back.
Navi: Zelda, are you nuts? The producers would have our heads! You can’t possibly go for something that drastic! I mean, Ganondorf and Link’s going on about things is only slightly off the script, but this...
Zelda makes a few mysterious motions and transforms into Sheik. Once transformed, she breaks out of the prison. Link and Ganondorf turn in surprise.
Ganondorf: What the hell? Link, what the hell is your girlfriend doing cross-dressing?
Link: She’s not my girlfriend! Honestly, Ganondorf, if you go through the game carefully, you’ll find all these little hints that make the two of us out to be brother and sister.
Ganondorf: Well, I can’t go through the game, as you say. I’m in the game.
Zelda raises her hand and fires a stream of poison needles at Ganondorf. Ganondorf falls down, twitching, and finally dies. Link and Navi are both stunned.
Navi: Hey! Listen!
Link: Zelda! He isn’t actually a bad guy! He’s only acting! He’s my best fri—
Link stops in mid word as Zelda turns on him and fires another stream of poison needles at him. He too falls to the floor, dead. Navi circles Link’s body and finally turns to Zelda.
Navi: Zelda! You just killed the main character in the game! Not only in this game, but in about twelve other ones, too! What do you think the producers will say when they see how far you went off the scr...
Navi trails off as Zelda pulls her copy of the script from her pocket. Zelda also takes out a ballpoint pen and starts to scribble something furiously on the open script. Navi leans over her shoulder. Zelda shows her the finished product.
Zelda: Am I a genius, or am I a genius?
Navi: You are a genius. I’d give you a high-five, but I have no hands to speak of.
Zelda’s writing reads “Ganondorf and Link fight to the death, leaving no winner. Zelda wises up and realizes that she can free herself by becoming Sheik. Just as she is fully transformed, Link wakes up. Since he is heavily wounded, Zelda makes a mercy killing. She and Navi leave quietly, praying for the souls of the two departed.” Zelda tosses the script to the floor beside Link’s body.
Zelda: So, let’s go! It says we have to leave right here in the script.
Navi: Hey! I’m down with that! Come on, Let’s go down to Lon-Lon Ranch and play games!
The...End?
Link suddenly comes to. Zelda’s darts did not kill him, only knocked him out for a brief period. He spots Zelda’s script and picks it up. After he finishes reading it, he growls.
Link: ZELDA! THAT’S NOT HOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO GO! GET BACK HERE!
Ganondorf: (sits up dizzily) Link... Could you keep your voice down? Those poison needles are giving me a headache...
The Actual End...Or is it...?