The Midnight Terror

[kamikaze falco]

Face down in sorrow I try to recollect my thoughts. My thoughts are scrambled inside my head. I pick up the last thing I have of her. A little note she wrote me. This note was everything to me. This little piece of paper is keeping me together. I look up to the stars to try to look for her somehow. I would do anything to see my precious love again. Unfortunately that will never happen. No matter what I do fate will takeover. Oh how I would love to smell the sweet scent of her hair. Or brush her soft skin. What did I do! Where are you! How could I let them take you! They should have taken me, instead of you. Everything started fading…Than I sit up and realize that my wife is next to me.

Tell me what you guys think.

 

[Akebo]

It was okay. I could see the emotion, but I could also see that it was strained because of two many periods. you keep stopping the flow. Try to loosen that up by chaning some of the periods into commas, semi-colons or colons. The only real problem I had with this is the punctuation.

Also, even if it was a sort of anti-climax, it didn't really suit the piece. It was okay if it was supposed to be a dream, but you need to elaborate on it. I was feeling all this dark emotion, and suddenly: BANG! Everything's happy. It didn't really settle well with me.