Smashers Unite: Subspace

[Frogla]

Chapter 1
~Mario~
My name is a Mario,
Im just a fun loving guy, with a knack for getting into adventures. My story is not out of the ordinary. I live in the world of Smash, this is a place where characters live and battle eachother for entertainment. Once we are done we leave this world till needed again. As of now I have been called three times making new friends each time. Today I was called from the Mushroom Kingdom, and appeared to fight Kirby here along with my friends Peach and Zelda who we met last time we were called.

Nintendo Coliseum
The crowd was going wild as Mario entered the field, on the opposite side Kirby was ready for a match. Mario and Kirby dueled it out fireballs flying and Hammers Cracking. But soon a victor was determined, Mario picked Kirby’s Trophy Shell up and shook hand with him, bringing Kirby to life immediately. The crowd went all out again, for it was a great match.
But to Mario Right he noticed the sky turning Blood Red. Out of the Sky came a ship, Mario looked a Kirby questionably. But Kirby was not looking back, the everyone’s view was fixed on that ship. “Halberd!” cried Kirby.
The ship flew into the middle of the arena and opened it hull releasing bits of dark matter that clung to the ground. Out of these bits of shadows, an army creatures rose from its abyss. “Annihilate” these Purple creature said in a robotic voice.
Mario and Kirby stood there ground as the creature robotically walked toward them, In a flash of light Mario saw Zelda appear behind him and Peach a moment later. They were ready to fight.
Mario saw the exit and tried fighting his was thru, but these were powerful. Whenever he thru a fireball they thru twenty back. “There’s too many” Peach screamed. But her scream was drowned out by several thousand moans. The Shadow creatures were acting weirdly.
“There malfunctioning we need to go while we have the chance” said Zelda. The group ran outside the stadium and Zelda teleported them to a far away plain region.
“Were” asked Kirby.
“Kirby im clueless as you” said Zelda.
“Halberd” said Kirby. “Metaknight’s Ship” He added quickly.
“Meta-knight?” questioned Peach.
“My Friend” Kirby exclaimed.
“Well we have to stop him” said Peach. Mario nodded in agreement.
“ Those guys have broken the rules of fighting instead of fighting in a match they have turned this into war” said Zelda worried.
“Do?” asked Kirby.
“First we need reinforcements, if we were called that means the rest of the guys should be in this world too. And maybe even some Newcomers should be, we already know Metaknights here, there are others” said Zelda.
“ You are very wise” said Peach. “Is there anyway to get home”.
“Well not to my knowledge, but since this is a subspace. There should be keys that bring people here. I don’t know what they’ll look like but finding these would be a great advantage to our cause” said Zelda.
“Ok, Mario and Kirby what do you say” said Peach. Mario and Kirby nodded with approval.
“So we should probably split up so we can cover more ground” said Zelda. “I will take Peach with me and Mario and Kirby can go together.”
“Me and Zelda will head West” said Peach
“East” said Kirby.
So they set off on there journey to find Newcomers and old friends…

 

[demoncaterpie]

Sorry dude, but this isn't that good.

Your grammar and spelling is pretty bad. It was enough to affect my enjoyment of the story. The dialogue didn't even make sense half the time.

There's almost no characterization, so I don't feel any connection with anyone. I see almost no reason why I should continue this story.

I say go back to the drawing board. You really need to fix up this story.

Also, you should space your paragraphs. That'll make it much easier to read.

 

[Frogla]

well thanks for being honest, but im actually a fairly good speller. If theres many mistakes then its probably word changing things to something i didn't want to say.

 

[Armagopalypse]

Demoncaterpie pretty much sums it up, but being me I'll give my two cents anyway.
Mostly it's just grammar problems as said, and as for the character development its understandable how there might not be much going on as this piece isn't particularly long. Just keep working at it and you might even be has good as me someday (Assuming that I become a great writer overnight).

 

[SuperLinkBrothers]

Rofl, I don't want to be mean or anythying, but, I think you outta start a new thread, start everything over, there are lots of stories that have grammer issues, but this one is completeley full of them, really bringing down how much I want to read the rest of the story

Also, the dialouge(as Caterpie said) is all wrong, like one time Kirby says "Do" out of no where, or when he suddenly mentioned the Halberd after they had teleported out of the Coliseum, so, mabye you can get better, I mean, when I first started writing storiwes, I was as lame as lame can be, I got way better though, as have lots of writers here.

I suggest you try and fix those spelling errors, mabye type in something that has a spellcheck, then read over it once or twice so it doesn't say random words in the middle of nowhere. Once You have practiced with that a while, then try and make the story a little more exciting, take for example, Armagopalypses story on The Super Council Wars, that is exciting, you have to put in words that make it interesting. Here is another example...

"The Bad Guy"
very poor, dont do this EVER

"The Evil Guy"
still very poor, but slightly better then #1

"The Tall Dark Evil Guy"
poor, but A LOT better then #2

"The Tall Dark Mysterious Man Stood There"
now we are getting somewhere, much improvement

"There was a tall thin mysteroius man lurking in the shadows by the kingdom"
Okay, this is good, this is what you want to do, THIS is IMPROVEMENT

You can keep Making this better and better, but don't go overboard...
"There was a shadowy skinny man lurking in the dark bushes by the tall castle, this tall man was in the shadows, standing, menacing, evily, mysteroiusly...so very strange"
DO NOT DO THAT, definettley NOT, you said that it was dark and shadowy WAY to much, is he lurking or standing, it was basically, Shadow blah skinny blah standing blah shadow blah blah tall blah tall shadow standing blah shadow blah blah blah, Don't do this

Also, this is about the longest advice I've ever given anyone...well...except that one time*shivers*