Freija the Squeaky Coconut
Smash Rookie
SHOW ME YOUR MOVES - CAPTAIN FALCON'S STORY
BY FREIJA THE SQUEAKY COCONUT
wait -- Note: If you will be horribly scarred at finding out hidden chars from Smash Bros Melee, such as Ganondorf(oops) or Falco(oops) then you should leave now.
If Captain Falcon debating lipstick shades will horribly scar you, you should leave now.Actually you should stay and read because you KNOW it's true. It's funny, admit it.
So once again:
SHOW ME YOUR MOVES - CAPTAIN FALCON'S STORY
It was a lazy day at Smash Bros. Headquarters. Captain Falcon lounged in his dressing room, examining his prototype GameCube. Life had been slow for Falcon since the original Smash Bros. He impetuously pulled out the ridiculously small disc, exclaiming, "Oh, pooh! How is it possible that they could store all my manly beauty on this TINY thing?!"
He swiveled his stylish velvet chair around to sulk at the mirror. He began to daydream about how Nintendo would inevitably realize their mistake in not featuring him on the cover of Smash Brothers. Naturally, they would use his face for the cover of Melee, and give him a MUCH bigger part. After all, his agent had said he had a face that could sink a thousand ships! That must be good. No more "hidden character" for Falcon! He would be a MAIN CHARACTER! Hmm... what would he wear for the cover photo shoot? Perhaps he should shoot for a sexier image for his next project. Maybe a new hair style...
Cap had just decided not to mess with perfection and keep the purple spandex racing suit when the door burst open, causing him to drop the "Sunset Pink" lipstick he had been examining. Who could it be?
"Fox? You got the flowers? I knew you cared!", Cap exclaimed.
He turned around in his chair to face the object of his lust....(one of them anyway)...
Shigeru Miyamoto?
"Oh, uh, hello, sir...."
"Mr. Falcon, I am pleased to announce that we are ready to begin production of Melee", the big cheese of Nintendo explained with an unnaturally large smile.
"The rest of the crew should be arriving here today to begin. Would you like to see the cover?"
"You did it without me? Um, how is that possible? *sniff*"
"Oh, for a shot that small we could just use a snapshot on file. Here's your copy of the cover, and be ready to start when the others get here." The unceasingly smiling Miyamoto took a step out the door and was instantly surrounded by a crowd of people asking for autographs.
"Look everyone, it's God!", a particularly geeky specimen shrieked. Cap dejectedly got up to shut the door. Examining the cover, he could not contain the tears that sprang to his eyes.
"That's IT? A quarter-inch square of PART of my face???? BOWSER is 20 times bigger than I am!!", he whined. *sniff* "That wannabe... Maybe I should fight this in court! It's a proven fact that I am infinitely more gorgeous than Bowser... ah, never mind. I don't have the guts to sue... I'm an opera floozy, not some general!"
A familiar receptionist-like octopus poked his head in the door. "Should I tentacle-slap him? I'm not sure if that was plagiarism or not... oh well, it was so sad, I think I'll just leave."
Cap looked up at the door and sniffed. "That octopus was sort of hot..."
********************************************************
CAP MEETS SOME OLD FRIENDS
A small mushroom in an oversized polka-dotted cap came to Falcon's door and knocked so hard the star fell off. Gasping with surprise, Cap sauntered to the door to answer when the mushroom kicked it open.
"Mr. Falcon, you have been requested in the lobby," he growled.
Captain Falcon paused. Why did everyone have to keep calling him "Mister" Falcon?, Did they have to remind him he wasn't actually a captain? Not even when they played basketball!
The mushroom turned and ran off muttering, "Gypped again! Not only am I not playable, but I'm a SHIELD!? They are gonna hear from my lawyer."
Cap narrowed his carefully painted eyes at the retreating mushroom as he picked up his star that said "FALCON". Blowing it off, he tenderly placed it back over the sign that read "TOILET" on his door before he made for the lobby.
He strolled into the grand Smash Bros. HQ lobby, thinking about how to make a proper entrance. He had considered flying his Special F-Zero Hovercar (he called it Boy George) in through the wall, but decided that would be too much. Also, it had been towed away because he parked it in Shigeru Miyamoto's parking spot.
So he entered the doorway and gave everyone a hearty "Show me your moves!" Nobody paid much attention, so he kept going.
Mario and Luigi were practicing in the corner, and Donkey Kong and Link were talking on cell phones. Pikachu had evidently called the Pokemon Escort Service because he was with a rather immoral-looking Venusaur with lipstick and a Cyduck in fishnet stockings. Fox was chatting with Ness and Samus. Yoshi was sitting in the corner with another (red) yoshi. Kirby and Jigglypuff were networking.
"So have your people call my people?"
"Puff jigglypuffpuff!"
("Let's do lunch!")
Falcon strode over to say hello.
"Hello, puffballs."
"Hi-I-i!"
"Jigglypuff!"
"Are you taunting me? I actually can't tell. Hmm... Wait, Jigglypuff, since you're a Pokemon, you can only say parts of your name strung together, right? Did you realize that you can say Fugly? You know... like f***ing ugly! Wouldn't that be a better, more hardcore taunt?"
"Fugly! Fugly!"
Satisfied with this improvement to Jigglypuff's life, Falcon sashayed over to Link, who was still on his cell phone.
"What do I pay you for? Personal Assistant? More like Personal Person Who Screws Things Up For Me! I want my lavender tunic back from the cleaners TONIGHT!!!! Do you want the hookshot AGAIN!? You don't have any chances left! GO GET MY DRESS! um, TUNIC!" He hung up the phone and giggled.
"Oh, hi, Cappie. How are you?"
"Oh, I'm gorgeous. Where did you get those silver tights?"
"Um, I'm not sure... You know, I don't remember anything from between age 10 to age 18... I guess that was some party. Anyway, I woke up age 18 with silver tights. Oh, by the way, did you hear that Pit might work with us in Melee? I'm SOOOO excited! I used to play Kid Icarus ALL the time!!! I'm his BIGGEST FAN!"
His cell phone rang. "Oh, sorry, Cappie, I've got to take this call. Toodle-oo!"
Captain Falcon practiced some poses before talking to anyone else. He was so excited...he might even get to work with the KID ICARUS GUY! His poses should be in top form. He decided that his "Show me your moves" taunt was still his best. He practiced it again and again. "Show me your moves!". He energetically stuck his arm out in front of him at a 45 degree angle. Little did he know that the next week, while taunting in line to see "Titanic" again for the 714th time, he would be attacked by a mob that thought he was saying "Heil Hitler".
Falcon checked his manicure before walking over to Fox, Ness, and Samus, discussing their taunts.
"Well, I was rather fond of my snotty little harumph", Fox sniveled. "But then I was listening to my Backstreet Boys CD, and there's this one song called 'Larger Than Life', and the song goes 'Wishin' I could thank you in a different way, come on', and he sounded just so hot... I had to use that as my taunt!"
"Come On! Come on! I tried to practice it so I sounded exactly like the Backstreet Boy! I know it's weird that I'm obsessed with the Backstreet Boys, and I don't know which one sings my favorite line... but I'm under a magical compulsion to not say his name!*
*(otherwise known as author doesn't know and doesn't WANT to know. But this is true. If you ever go to **** , where you are forced to listen to teeny-bopper music for eternity, listen carefully to this song. It is 99.7% certain this is where Fox got his taunt).
"...So ANYWAY," Fox continued, "I WAS glad I still pirouette in Melee. I was afraid the execs would change my moves!"
"I'm going through puberty now," Ness exclaimed. "Did you notice? I have PK Pulse, too! The slowest move ever! OK?!"
Samus stared. "I can't believe I'm still here with these losers," she thought angrily. "**** it, one of these days I'm going to take off my helmet and tell them all how lame they are."
She stormed off., and Cap left to go see what Pikachu was up to.
"PikaPIKA pipipikapi?"
("Hey baby, what's your sign")
The Cyduck with fishnet stockings and the Venusaur with the lipstick tried to cross their legs sexily but it didn't really work since they don't really have legs.
Cap was about to say something when a TRULY HIDEOUS and FRIGHTENING creature arrived: the Crocodile Hunter.
"Blimey! Look at these gorgeous creatures! This must be a Pokemon Mating Ritual!"
He grabbed a slip of paper Pikachu was holding.
"PIKACHU!"
("Give that back!")
The Crocodile Hunter held the paper up to the camera. It read "Hardcore Cyduck and Venusaur 'Escorts'. Call us now, baby: 555-5555."
Cap was captivated by this creature, this "Crocodile Hunter". Someone as bizarre and possibly panty-wearing as himself! He was about to introduce himself when the enraged Pikachu electrocuted the Hunter into a pile of black ashes. Pikachu reclaimed his phone number.
"Pika PI!"
("I'm da PIMP!")
Captain Falcon sat on a lobby chair that smelled like cigarettes and magazines. His styled hair crunched against the back of the tweed-covered seat. Why did this have to happen to him?? He was never going to get a date! Maybe he should call the Pokemon Escort line...
**********************************************
CAP MEETS SOME NEW FRIENDS
Suddenly, the ornate door of the Smash Bros HQ lobby swung open. In walked Zelda, Peach, Falco, Bowser, two Ice Climbers, Young Link, Pichu, Ganondorf, and Mr. Game And Watch.
The intercom announced, "Some of the new warriors have arrived. Introducing: Princess Zelda, Princess Peach, Falco, the Ice Climbers, Young Link, Pichu, Ganondorf, and Mr. Gay Man Watch!!!"
Startled, Captain Falcon ran over to the booth where the announcer worked. He had never seen this elusive man with the booming voice, and wasn't sure if he was allowed to, but...this was an emergency!!!!!!!!!!
He knocked on the door. The door opened a small crack.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" the announcer boomed.
"Um, what was that last person's name?"
"Gay Man Watch."
"EEP!" Captain Falcon shielded and rolled his way out of the lobby, nervously eyeing Game And Watch. The 2-D Game And Watch took no notice and went on flinging bacon at Falco.
Once safely out of the lobby, Cap let his guard down and peered in through a window. The flat, enigmatic person, allegedly male, looked decidedly sinister.
What did he want? Was he sent to spy on Falcon? Did Falcon actually do anything interesting? How could you even tell if Gay Man Watch was looking at anything? DOES he look at anything? He doesn't have any eyes....
Overcome with fright at this last thought, Falcon slumped into a faint on the ground.
Inside the lobby, Pit shut the door to the announcer booth, thinking, "Whew, that was close".
*********************************************
CAP MEETS GANONDORF
When Cap came to, he had been shoved aside so he wasn't blocking the window. Ganondorf, the mysterious wizard with horrible fashion sense, was standing at the window.
"For Pete's sake, he looks like he's wearing a Persian rug on his back. Get this man to Tommy Hilfiger!" thought Captain Falcon. Yet, there was something...familiar about the man.
Wait. What is he doing, staring at the window?
As Captain Falcon clumsily got up, Ganondorf turned his head and glared. Captain Falcon ran off to his dressing room.
********************************************
CAP MEETS DAISY
Cap picked up his star, which had fallen off of his door again. Carefully covering "TOILET" with the star, he entered. He was ready to flop onto his designer Gucci sheets and cry. He stopped himself in mid-flop and fell on the floor. Someone was sitting on his bed.
"Hiya, Captain Falcon!"
He stood up to see who was sitting in the shadows. It was a girl in a yellow dress. She giggled at him.
"Hi, I'm Daisy. Or should I say... Princess Peach?"
Cap scratched his head. "But I've played Mario Tennis and Mario Golf...Daisy is Luigi's girlfriend and Peach is Mario's girlfriend! Two separate people! So there!"
Peach/Daisy grinned evilly. "That's just what I wanted you to think! In Smash Bros. Melee, the truth will come out...Daisy is just an alter ego of Peach."
Cap sat down in his velvet chair.
"But why are you doing this? What will Mario and Luigi think when they find out that their girlfriends are the same person?"
Peach/Daisy gave a Patented Evil Anime Woman Laugh. "O-ho-ho-ho! It's all part of my scheme to take over the Mushroom Kingdom!!!! O-ho-ho-ho!"
Cap scratched his head again. "But don't you already rule the Mushroom Kingdom? You're Princess..."
Peach/Daisy hissed, "Silence, fool! You just can't comprehend my Evil Plan!!! Mario and Luigi will be locked in a War of Plumbers, leaving the kingdom totally undefended!!! Then I will rule!!!"
"But you already do..."
"Shush! This is un-sweet! Now I have to kill you because you discovered my Evil Plan..."
"But you waited in my dressing room to tell me!..."
"Silence, fool!" Peach took out a frying pan from who knows where and prepared to clobber Falcon.
"A fight, huh? Well, show me your moves!!!" exclaimed Falcon. He got in a fighting stance and prepared to Falcon Punch Peach. However, this move takes approximately 2 days and 23 minutes to actually punch, so Peach was clobbering him over the head repeatedly with her frying pan when Samus bust in the door. She charged up and blasted Peach through the wall with a bright ball of energy.
Samus taunted instantly, earning her 100 points for being in Fighter Stance.
"She really got on my nerves...I've been wanting to do that for 2 hours."
Falcon, who had a large lump on his head with a cute little bandage on it, said, "Hey, thanks, Samus."
Samus said, "You're just lucky she didn't start taunting. I had to Rocket Punch her twice in the lobby just to make her shut up."
Zelda came down the hall at that moment, looking for Samus.
"Did you blast that little *****"? she asked sweetly.
Samus nodded.
"It was for the good of all Video Gamedom," Zelda responded.
Zelda prayed.
"Now let us go get some Chinese food, Samus. Those people in the lobby are starting to get to me...I'm getting rather tired of stepping over black 2D bacon."
Samus sighed with relief.
"Yeah, let's get out of here."
**********************************************************
CAP GETS READY FOR MELEE
After he went to get a Mochaccino from Starbucks to recover, Falcon came back to his dressing room (thankfully empty this time). On golden hangers were his new Melee uniforms!
``
He quickly put one on and admired his reflection in the mirror with the powder puffs and colorful bottles. He especially liked the nipple ornaments!*
*Author's Note: I am NOT making this up.
He rehearsed his special moves. He had been thinking about what to change and what to keep for several years. But in the end, he basically decided to keep his old moves. Why mess with perfection?
His flame **** attack? He couldn't get rid of that! It made him so happy!
His Falcon Punch? It might take 2 days and 23 minutes, but he LOVED his Falcon Punch!! No, better to stick to the originals. He hoped Fox would still have his mysterious butt-flame. It was so intriguing!
He put some more gel in his hair, and when it was so crunchy the comb wouldn't go through any more, he knew he was ready. He put on his helmet and left.
*********************************************************
MORE STUFF HAPPENS
*********************************************************
He entered the Melee stadium, ready for action. He saw Ganondorf staring again, watching a match between Young Link and Falco on the Mushroom Kingdom stage. Pikachu was on the side with his "escorts", while a Raichu covered Pichu's eyes.
"Raichu Raichurairaichu!"
("Don't be like Uncle Pikachu!")
"Pichuchuchu pichu!"
("But Uncle Pikachu's the jiggy phat bomb!")
"RAICHU!"
("That's it! No more Will Smith for you, young man!")
A large guy with a gun for an arm busted into the room.
"Aw, what the #$%#!!!! He not da jiggy phat bomb, I be da jiggy phat bomb! Hey Samus, come blast Yuffie, pleeze?"
At that moment, the head of Falco's hammer came off and flew towards the strange man. It hit him and sent him flying out of the stadium. Falco kept swinging the stick in a frenzy and everyone laughed as Young Link shot the defenseless Falco with little arrows. The unseen audience cheered for Young Link.
"Young Link! Young Link!"
Falcon thought to himself, "Is it just me or is that a lame cheer? Nobody says 'Young Ness, do they?..."
Then it was time for Ganondorf and Yoshi to fight. Cap watched in amazement as Ganondorf used a LIGHTNING **** ATTACK!!!!
Falcon didn't know whether to be insulted, flattered, or scared. When the match was over, he turned to leave the stadium.
He nearly walked into Mr. Game and Watch. The mysterious, permanent-pressed Game and Watch flung some bacon. What did he want from Cap???
"NOOOO!" Cap ran out of the stadium and hit Ganondorf in the back.
"Oh, uh, hi... um, why aren't you in the stadium anymore, Ganondorf?"
Ganondorf paused. "Uh, I was...um....I was going to steal a powerful magical object from Zelda! The Triforce! I was just going to her room to kidnap her and steal it!!! Yes! MWA HA HA HA..."
"Zelda's room is the other way. Where were you really going?"
".........................Ok, I admit it. I just use Zelda to get to Young Link! It's true! And the Triforce too! I don't care about taking over the world or obtaining absolute power!!! Just Young Link!!! I followed him here..."
Cap went for it. "Ganondorf...that move you use...the lightning one...it's just like mine! We were made for each other, Ganondorf! Forget about Young Link!!! We are just like each other!!!"
Ganondorf blushed. (sentence not often encountered)
"I'm sorry, Captain Falcon, but I've seen the way you look at Fox...and Ness...and Link...and actually every moving thing in this headquarters...and some non-moving ones... I don't think it would ever work."
"But!..."
"That and you're not my type. You are too immoral and depraved for me."
Ganondorf walked away.
Too immoral and depraved for Ganondorf. A sad judgement for Captain Falcon.
His mascara started to run as he sobbed, "AM I NOT HOT?????"
******************************************************
Epilogue
******************************************************
Captain Falcon was astounded to discover that the gargantuan posters on the wall he had probably passed 10 times a day listed Mr. Gay Man Watch's name as Mr. Game And Watch.
For the first time in his life, he found something he thought of to be too depraved (it involved a match between him and 3 sets of Ice Climbers).
He was happy to discover that Fox's mysterious butt-flame was as impressive as ever, and Link's Hookshot was still aimed suggestively.
He discovered that "Sunset Pink" was not a good color for him; "Tawny Bronze" was a better choice. When Marth and Roy finally arrived, he had pleasant dreams for a month.
He had his nipple ornaments on his uniform specially shined every time he took the uniform to the cleaners.
He was delighted to find out that there was a rainbow stage in Melee.
The next time Peach came back and said "Sweet", Zelda transformed into Sheik and chain-whipped her for half an hour, then slammed her into oblivion. Peach subsequently forgot her plot to take over her own kingdom and joined the Spice Girls, until they kicked her out for "not being stupid enough".
Pikachu was taken to rehab by a Clefairy.
The Venusaur and Cyduck escorts impressed Shigeru Miyamoto enough that he offered them cameos in Melee. The immoral Venusaur can be seen doing some type of sexual act with the ground every time it comes out of a Pokeball. However, the Cyduck in fishnet stockings was offered a better job in "Cyduck Does Dallas" so it turned down the cameo.
The Backstreet Boys sued Fox for using "Come On" as his taunt when it was obviously their "come on"; the matter was dropped when Fox threatened to counter-sue for stealing his pirouette.
Young Link joined an upstart boy-band called the "Frontstreet Boys". The Backstreet Boys tried to sue them but the judge said "@#%$ you boy-band people are stupid, you're all alike anyway so what's the difference?"
Link remembered where he got his silver tights: He traded the Master Sword to a Deku Merchant for the tights and a cheap imitation Master Sword made in Hong Kong. He was wasted at the time. He also remembered that Saria and Navi laughed a lot at him.
Yoshi went on "Jerry Springer". The episode was called "Is he or isn't he -- a Pokemon?" A panel of experts (aka audience members who think they know everything) decided that Jay Leno and KiPachu the Wannabe Pokemon were in fact Pokemon, but Yoshi was not. Although Yoshi does only say Yoshi....
Ness went through puberty, not very gracefully, and when he came out he was Ricky Martin. This is why in the future, Ricky Martin's songs will go like this: "OK, PK Fire,PK Thunder, OK, PK Pulse, OK, yeah baby, shake your bon-bon, livin la vida loca! OK!"(As if Ricky Martin will make any songs in the future).
Ness also abandoned his yellow and black clothes because it caused Luigi to call him "Pee Ness".
DK was very angry that he was not really in the story, but I say to him, how about Mewtwo?
Too bad
Mario and Luigi went on Jerry Springer with Peach/Daisy. The episode was titled "Two-Timin' Toadstool". Chairs were thrown and the tough guy Steve had to intervene 3 times. The audience cheered "**** ! **** !" at Peach.
Samus finally had a friend - Zelda. They frequently left the other "losers" to have Chinese food.
Kirby and Jigglypuff formed their own company, Fugly Puff Inc. It sells Maxim Tomato shaped pokeballs. There is no market for their product, but King Dedede buys some because he has a crush on Jigglypuff.
Kirby considered suing Luigi for sexual harassment because he kept suggesting that Kirby "suck Pee Ness".
Ganondorf locked Gwen Stefani in a closet so he could take her place at a No Doubt concert. He dedicated "Don't Speak" to Young Link. At the sight of an evil green wizard wearing a sparkly tube top and hot pants, singing "You and me, we used to be together *boo hoo young link* Every day together, always..I really fee-ee-eel that I'm losing my best friend *sob!*"...all 17,423 people in the audience spontaneously died. Even the glow stick vendors.
The record company responsible for N*Sync offered Ganondorf a contract.
Mr. Game and Watch came and hit Freija the Squeaky Coconut with 2D bacon for making everyone think of his name like that.
Captain Falcon was the #1 customer of "Cyduck Does Dallas". He rented it a record 783 times.
Ultros sued Freija the Squeaky Coconut for not giving him his own fanfic.
Other than this, they all lived happily ever after.
THE END, SO STOP READING.
Disclamer :
I OWN NINTENDO SO IT'S OK FOR ME TO WRITE FANFICS!!! No, really, Freija the Squeaky Coconut does NOT own Smash Bros. No kadoy. She will continue to write stupid fanfics about it. You wanna take this outside, Miyamoto??? *silence* ... See, he's not gonna do anything. He's scared of me. *lol*
BY FREIJA THE SQUEAKY COCONUT
wait -- Note: If you will be horribly scarred at finding out hidden chars from Smash Bros Melee, such as Ganondorf(oops) or Falco(oops) then you should leave now.
If Captain Falcon debating lipstick shades will horribly scar you, you should leave now.Actually you should stay and read because you KNOW it's true. It's funny, admit it.
So once again:
SHOW ME YOUR MOVES - CAPTAIN FALCON'S STORY
It was a lazy day at Smash Bros. Headquarters. Captain Falcon lounged in his dressing room, examining his prototype GameCube. Life had been slow for Falcon since the original Smash Bros. He impetuously pulled out the ridiculously small disc, exclaiming, "Oh, pooh! How is it possible that they could store all my manly beauty on this TINY thing?!"
He swiveled his stylish velvet chair around to sulk at the mirror. He began to daydream about how Nintendo would inevitably realize their mistake in not featuring him on the cover of Smash Brothers. Naturally, they would use his face for the cover of Melee, and give him a MUCH bigger part. After all, his agent had said he had a face that could sink a thousand ships! That must be good. No more "hidden character" for Falcon! He would be a MAIN CHARACTER! Hmm... what would he wear for the cover photo shoot? Perhaps he should shoot for a sexier image for his next project. Maybe a new hair style...
Cap had just decided not to mess with perfection and keep the purple spandex racing suit when the door burst open, causing him to drop the "Sunset Pink" lipstick he had been examining. Who could it be?
"Fox? You got the flowers? I knew you cared!", Cap exclaimed.
He turned around in his chair to face the object of his lust....(one of them anyway)...
Shigeru Miyamoto?
"Oh, uh, hello, sir...."
"Mr. Falcon, I am pleased to announce that we are ready to begin production of Melee", the big cheese of Nintendo explained with an unnaturally large smile.
"The rest of the crew should be arriving here today to begin. Would you like to see the cover?"
"You did it without me? Um, how is that possible? *sniff*"
"Oh, for a shot that small we could just use a snapshot on file. Here's your copy of the cover, and be ready to start when the others get here." The unceasingly smiling Miyamoto took a step out the door and was instantly surrounded by a crowd of people asking for autographs.
"Look everyone, it's God!", a particularly geeky specimen shrieked. Cap dejectedly got up to shut the door. Examining the cover, he could not contain the tears that sprang to his eyes.
"That's IT? A quarter-inch square of PART of my face???? BOWSER is 20 times bigger than I am!!", he whined. *sniff* "That wannabe... Maybe I should fight this in court! It's a proven fact that I am infinitely more gorgeous than Bowser... ah, never mind. I don't have the guts to sue... I'm an opera floozy, not some general!"
A familiar receptionist-like octopus poked his head in the door. "Should I tentacle-slap him? I'm not sure if that was plagiarism or not... oh well, it was so sad, I think I'll just leave."
Cap looked up at the door and sniffed. "That octopus was sort of hot..."
********************************************************
CAP MEETS SOME OLD FRIENDS
A small mushroom in an oversized polka-dotted cap came to Falcon's door and knocked so hard the star fell off. Gasping with surprise, Cap sauntered to the door to answer when the mushroom kicked it open.
"Mr. Falcon, you have been requested in the lobby," he growled.
Captain Falcon paused. Why did everyone have to keep calling him "Mister" Falcon?, Did they have to remind him he wasn't actually a captain? Not even when they played basketball!
The mushroom turned and ran off muttering, "Gypped again! Not only am I not playable, but I'm a SHIELD!? They are gonna hear from my lawyer."
Cap narrowed his carefully painted eyes at the retreating mushroom as he picked up his star that said "FALCON". Blowing it off, he tenderly placed it back over the sign that read "TOILET" on his door before he made for the lobby.
He strolled into the grand Smash Bros. HQ lobby, thinking about how to make a proper entrance. He had considered flying his Special F-Zero Hovercar (he called it Boy George) in through the wall, but decided that would be too much. Also, it had been towed away because he parked it in Shigeru Miyamoto's parking spot.
So he entered the doorway and gave everyone a hearty "Show me your moves!" Nobody paid much attention, so he kept going.
Mario and Luigi were practicing in the corner, and Donkey Kong and Link were talking on cell phones. Pikachu had evidently called the Pokemon Escort Service because he was with a rather immoral-looking Venusaur with lipstick and a Cyduck in fishnet stockings. Fox was chatting with Ness and Samus. Yoshi was sitting in the corner with another (red) yoshi. Kirby and Jigglypuff were networking.
"So have your people call my people?"
"Puff jigglypuffpuff!"
("Let's do lunch!")
Falcon strode over to say hello.
"Hello, puffballs."
"Hi-I-i!"
"Jigglypuff!"
"Are you taunting me? I actually can't tell. Hmm... Wait, Jigglypuff, since you're a Pokemon, you can only say parts of your name strung together, right? Did you realize that you can say Fugly? You know... like f***ing ugly! Wouldn't that be a better, more hardcore taunt?"
"Fugly! Fugly!"
Satisfied with this improvement to Jigglypuff's life, Falcon sashayed over to Link, who was still on his cell phone.
"What do I pay you for? Personal Assistant? More like Personal Person Who Screws Things Up For Me! I want my lavender tunic back from the cleaners TONIGHT!!!! Do you want the hookshot AGAIN!? You don't have any chances left! GO GET MY DRESS! um, TUNIC!" He hung up the phone and giggled.
"Oh, hi, Cappie. How are you?"
"Oh, I'm gorgeous. Where did you get those silver tights?"
"Um, I'm not sure... You know, I don't remember anything from between age 10 to age 18... I guess that was some party. Anyway, I woke up age 18 with silver tights. Oh, by the way, did you hear that Pit might work with us in Melee? I'm SOOOO excited! I used to play Kid Icarus ALL the time!!! I'm his BIGGEST FAN!"
His cell phone rang. "Oh, sorry, Cappie, I've got to take this call. Toodle-oo!"
Captain Falcon practiced some poses before talking to anyone else. He was so excited...he might even get to work with the KID ICARUS GUY! His poses should be in top form. He decided that his "Show me your moves" taunt was still his best. He practiced it again and again. "Show me your moves!". He energetically stuck his arm out in front of him at a 45 degree angle. Little did he know that the next week, while taunting in line to see "Titanic" again for the 714th time, he would be attacked by a mob that thought he was saying "Heil Hitler".
Falcon checked his manicure before walking over to Fox, Ness, and Samus, discussing their taunts.
"Well, I was rather fond of my snotty little harumph", Fox sniveled. "But then I was listening to my Backstreet Boys CD, and there's this one song called 'Larger Than Life', and the song goes 'Wishin' I could thank you in a different way, come on', and he sounded just so hot... I had to use that as my taunt!"
"Come On! Come on! I tried to practice it so I sounded exactly like the Backstreet Boy! I know it's weird that I'm obsessed with the Backstreet Boys, and I don't know which one sings my favorite line... but I'm under a magical compulsion to not say his name!*
*(otherwise known as author doesn't know and doesn't WANT to know. But this is true. If you ever go to **** , where you are forced to listen to teeny-bopper music for eternity, listen carefully to this song. It is 99.7% certain this is where Fox got his taunt).
"...So ANYWAY," Fox continued, "I WAS glad I still pirouette in Melee. I was afraid the execs would change my moves!"
"I'm going through puberty now," Ness exclaimed. "Did you notice? I have PK Pulse, too! The slowest move ever! OK?!"
Samus stared. "I can't believe I'm still here with these losers," she thought angrily. "**** it, one of these days I'm going to take off my helmet and tell them all how lame they are."
She stormed off., and Cap left to go see what Pikachu was up to.
"PikaPIKA pipipikapi?"
("Hey baby, what's your sign")
The Cyduck with fishnet stockings and the Venusaur with the lipstick tried to cross their legs sexily but it didn't really work since they don't really have legs.
Cap was about to say something when a TRULY HIDEOUS and FRIGHTENING creature arrived: the Crocodile Hunter.
"Blimey! Look at these gorgeous creatures! This must be a Pokemon Mating Ritual!"
He grabbed a slip of paper Pikachu was holding.
"PIKACHU!"
("Give that back!")
The Crocodile Hunter held the paper up to the camera. It read "Hardcore Cyduck and Venusaur 'Escorts'. Call us now, baby: 555-5555."
Cap was captivated by this creature, this "Crocodile Hunter". Someone as bizarre and possibly panty-wearing as himself! He was about to introduce himself when the enraged Pikachu electrocuted the Hunter into a pile of black ashes. Pikachu reclaimed his phone number.
"Pika PI!"
("I'm da PIMP!")
Captain Falcon sat on a lobby chair that smelled like cigarettes and magazines. His styled hair crunched against the back of the tweed-covered seat. Why did this have to happen to him?? He was never going to get a date! Maybe he should call the Pokemon Escort line...
**********************************************
CAP MEETS SOME NEW FRIENDS
Suddenly, the ornate door of the Smash Bros HQ lobby swung open. In walked Zelda, Peach, Falco, Bowser, two Ice Climbers, Young Link, Pichu, Ganondorf, and Mr. Game And Watch.
The intercom announced, "Some of the new warriors have arrived. Introducing: Princess Zelda, Princess Peach, Falco, the Ice Climbers, Young Link, Pichu, Ganondorf, and Mr. Gay Man Watch!!!"
Startled, Captain Falcon ran over to the booth where the announcer worked. He had never seen this elusive man with the booming voice, and wasn't sure if he was allowed to, but...this was an emergency!!!!!!!!!!
He knocked on the door. The door opened a small crack.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" the announcer boomed.
"Um, what was that last person's name?"
"Gay Man Watch."
"EEP!" Captain Falcon shielded and rolled his way out of the lobby, nervously eyeing Game And Watch. The 2-D Game And Watch took no notice and went on flinging bacon at Falco.
Once safely out of the lobby, Cap let his guard down and peered in through a window. The flat, enigmatic person, allegedly male, looked decidedly sinister.
What did he want? Was he sent to spy on Falcon? Did Falcon actually do anything interesting? How could you even tell if Gay Man Watch was looking at anything? DOES he look at anything? He doesn't have any eyes....
Overcome with fright at this last thought, Falcon slumped into a faint on the ground.
Inside the lobby, Pit shut the door to the announcer booth, thinking, "Whew, that was close".
*********************************************
CAP MEETS GANONDORF
When Cap came to, he had been shoved aside so he wasn't blocking the window. Ganondorf, the mysterious wizard with horrible fashion sense, was standing at the window.
"For Pete's sake, he looks like he's wearing a Persian rug on his back. Get this man to Tommy Hilfiger!" thought Captain Falcon. Yet, there was something...familiar about the man.
Wait. What is he doing, staring at the window?
As Captain Falcon clumsily got up, Ganondorf turned his head and glared. Captain Falcon ran off to his dressing room.
********************************************
CAP MEETS DAISY
Cap picked up his star, which had fallen off of his door again. Carefully covering "TOILET" with the star, he entered. He was ready to flop onto his designer Gucci sheets and cry. He stopped himself in mid-flop and fell on the floor. Someone was sitting on his bed.
"Hiya, Captain Falcon!"
He stood up to see who was sitting in the shadows. It was a girl in a yellow dress. She giggled at him.
"Hi, I'm Daisy. Or should I say... Princess Peach?"
Cap scratched his head. "But I've played Mario Tennis and Mario Golf...Daisy is Luigi's girlfriend and Peach is Mario's girlfriend! Two separate people! So there!"
Peach/Daisy grinned evilly. "That's just what I wanted you to think! In Smash Bros. Melee, the truth will come out...Daisy is just an alter ego of Peach."
Cap sat down in his velvet chair.
"But why are you doing this? What will Mario and Luigi think when they find out that their girlfriends are the same person?"
Peach/Daisy gave a Patented Evil Anime Woman Laugh. "O-ho-ho-ho! It's all part of my scheme to take over the Mushroom Kingdom!!!! O-ho-ho-ho!"
Cap scratched his head again. "But don't you already rule the Mushroom Kingdom? You're Princess..."
Peach/Daisy hissed, "Silence, fool! You just can't comprehend my Evil Plan!!! Mario and Luigi will be locked in a War of Plumbers, leaving the kingdom totally undefended!!! Then I will rule!!!"
"But you already do..."
"Shush! This is un-sweet! Now I have to kill you because you discovered my Evil Plan..."
"But you waited in my dressing room to tell me!..."
"Silence, fool!" Peach took out a frying pan from who knows where and prepared to clobber Falcon.
"A fight, huh? Well, show me your moves!!!" exclaimed Falcon. He got in a fighting stance and prepared to Falcon Punch Peach. However, this move takes approximately 2 days and 23 minutes to actually punch, so Peach was clobbering him over the head repeatedly with her frying pan when Samus bust in the door. She charged up and blasted Peach through the wall with a bright ball of energy.
Samus taunted instantly, earning her 100 points for being in Fighter Stance.
"She really got on my nerves...I've been wanting to do that for 2 hours."
Falcon, who had a large lump on his head with a cute little bandage on it, said, "Hey, thanks, Samus."
Samus said, "You're just lucky she didn't start taunting. I had to Rocket Punch her twice in the lobby just to make her shut up."
Zelda came down the hall at that moment, looking for Samus.
"Did you blast that little *****"? she asked sweetly.
Samus nodded.
"It was for the good of all Video Gamedom," Zelda responded.
Zelda prayed.
"Now let us go get some Chinese food, Samus. Those people in the lobby are starting to get to me...I'm getting rather tired of stepping over black 2D bacon."
Samus sighed with relief.
"Yeah, let's get out of here."
**********************************************************
CAP GETS READY FOR MELEE
After he went to get a Mochaccino from Starbucks to recover, Falcon came back to his dressing room (thankfully empty this time). On golden hangers were his new Melee uniforms!
``
He quickly put one on and admired his reflection in the mirror with the powder puffs and colorful bottles. He especially liked the nipple ornaments!*
*Author's Note: I am NOT making this up.
He rehearsed his special moves. He had been thinking about what to change and what to keep for several years. But in the end, he basically decided to keep his old moves. Why mess with perfection?
His flame **** attack? He couldn't get rid of that! It made him so happy!
His Falcon Punch? It might take 2 days and 23 minutes, but he LOVED his Falcon Punch!! No, better to stick to the originals. He hoped Fox would still have his mysterious butt-flame. It was so intriguing!
He put some more gel in his hair, and when it was so crunchy the comb wouldn't go through any more, he knew he was ready. He put on his helmet and left.
*********************************************************
MORE STUFF HAPPENS
*********************************************************
He entered the Melee stadium, ready for action. He saw Ganondorf staring again, watching a match between Young Link and Falco on the Mushroom Kingdom stage. Pikachu was on the side with his "escorts", while a Raichu covered Pichu's eyes.
"Raichu Raichurairaichu!"
("Don't be like Uncle Pikachu!")
"Pichuchuchu pichu!"
("But Uncle Pikachu's the jiggy phat bomb!")
"RAICHU!"
("That's it! No more Will Smith for you, young man!")
A large guy with a gun for an arm busted into the room.
"Aw, what the #$%#!!!! He not da jiggy phat bomb, I be da jiggy phat bomb! Hey Samus, come blast Yuffie, pleeze?"
At that moment, the head of Falco's hammer came off and flew towards the strange man. It hit him and sent him flying out of the stadium. Falco kept swinging the stick in a frenzy and everyone laughed as Young Link shot the defenseless Falco with little arrows. The unseen audience cheered for Young Link.
"Young Link! Young Link!"
Falcon thought to himself, "Is it just me or is that a lame cheer? Nobody says 'Young Ness, do they?..."
Then it was time for Ganondorf and Yoshi to fight. Cap watched in amazement as Ganondorf used a LIGHTNING **** ATTACK!!!!
Falcon didn't know whether to be insulted, flattered, or scared. When the match was over, he turned to leave the stadium.
He nearly walked into Mr. Game and Watch. The mysterious, permanent-pressed Game and Watch flung some bacon. What did he want from Cap???
"NOOOO!" Cap ran out of the stadium and hit Ganondorf in the back.
"Oh, uh, hi... um, why aren't you in the stadium anymore, Ganondorf?"
Ganondorf paused. "Uh, I was...um....I was going to steal a powerful magical object from Zelda! The Triforce! I was just going to her room to kidnap her and steal it!!! Yes! MWA HA HA HA..."
"Zelda's room is the other way. Where were you really going?"
".........................Ok, I admit it. I just use Zelda to get to Young Link! It's true! And the Triforce too! I don't care about taking over the world or obtaining absolute power!!! Just Young Link!!! I followed him here..."
Cap went for it. "Ganondorf...that move you use...the lightning one...it's just like mine! We were made for each other, Ganondorf! Forget about Young Link!!! We are just like each other!!!"
Ganondorf blushed. (sentence not often encountered)
"I'm sorry, Captain Falcon, but I've seen the way you look at Fox...and Ness...and Link...and actually every moving thing in this headquarters...and some non-moving ones... I don't think it would ever work."
"But!..."
"That and you're not my type. You are too immoral and depraved for me."
Ganondorf walked away.
Too immoral and depraved for Ganondorf. A sad judgement for Captain Falcon.
His mascara started to run as he sobbed, "AM I NOT HOT?????"
******************************************************
Epilogue
******************************************************
Captain Falcon was astounded to discover that the gargantuan posters on the wall he had probably passed 10 times a day listed Mr. Gay Man Watch's name as Mr. Game And Watch.
For the first time in his life, he found something he thought of to be too depraved (it involved a match between him and 3 sets of Ice Climbers).
He was happy to discover that Fox's mysterious butt-flame was as impressive as ever, and Link's Hookshot was still aimed suggestively.
He discovered that "Sunset Pink" was not a good color for him; "Tawny Bronze" was a better choice. When Marth and Roy finally arrived, he had pleasant dreams for a month.
He had his nipple ornaments on his uniform specially shined every time he took the uniform to the cleaners.
He was delighted to find out that there was a rainbow stage in Melee.
The next time Peach came back and said "Sweet", Zelda transformed into Sheik and chain-whipped her for half an hour, then slammed her into oblivion. Peach subsequently forgot her plot to take over her own kingdom and joined the Spice Girls, until they kicked her out for "not being stupid enough".
Pikachu was taken to rehab by a Clefairy.
The Venusaur and Cyduck escorts impressed Shigeru Miyamoto enough that he offered them cameos in Melee. The immoral Venusaur can be seen doing some type of sexual act with the ground every time it comes out of a Pokeball. However, the Cyduck in fishnet stockings was offered a better job in "Cyduck Does Dallas" so it turned down the cameo.
The Backstreet Boys sued Fox for using "Come On" as his taunt when it was obviously their "come on"; the matter was dropped when Fox threatened to counter-sue for stealing his pirouette.
Young Link joined an upstart boy-band called the "Frontstreet Boys". The Backstreet Boys tried to sue them but the judge said "@#%$ you boy-band people are stupid, you're all alike anyway so what's the difference?"
Link remembered where he got his silver tights: He traded the Master Sword to a Deku Merchant for the tights and a cheap imitation Master Sword made in Hong Kong. He was wasted at the time. He also remembered that Saria and Navi laughed a lot at him.
Yoshi went on "Jerry Springer". The episode was called "Is he or isn't he -- a Pokemon?" A panel of experts (aka audience members who think they know everything) decided that Jay Leno and KiPachu the Wannabe Pokemon were in fact Pokemon, but Yoshi was not. Although Yoshi does only say Yoshi....
Ness went through puberty, not very gracefully, and when he came out he was Ricky Martin. This is why in the future, Ricky Martin's songs will go like this: "OK, PK Fire,PK Thunder, OK, PK Pulse, OK, yeah baby, shake your bon-bon, livin la vida loca! OK!"(As if Ricky Martin will make any songs in the future).
Ness also abandoned his yellow and black clothes because it caused Luigi to call him "Pee Ness".
DK was very angry that he was not really in the story, but I say to him, how about Mewtwo?
Too bad
Mario and Luigi went on Jerry Springer with Peach/Daisy. The episode was titled "Two-Timin' Toadstool". Chairs were thrown and the tough guy Steve had to intervene 3 times. The audience cheered "**** ! **** !" at Peach.
Samus finally had a friend - Zelda. They frequently left the other "losers" to have Chinese food.
Kirby and Jigglypuff formed their own company, Fugly Puff Inc. It sells Maxim Tomato shaped pokeballs. There is no market for their product, but King Dedede buys some because he has a crush on Jigglypuff.
Kirby considered suing Luigi for sexual harassment because he kept suggesting that Kirby "suck Pee Ness".
Ganondorf locked Gwen Stefani in a closet so he could take her place at a No Doubt concert. He dedicated "Don't Speak" to Young Link. At the sight of an evil green wizard wearing a sparkly tube top and hot pants, singing "You and me, we used to be together *boo hoo young link* Every day together, always..I really fee-ee-eel that I'm losing my best friend *sob!*"...all 17,423 people in the audience spontaneously died. Even the glow stick vendors.
The record company responsible for N*Sync offered Ganondorf a contract.
Mr. Game and Watch came and hit Freija the Squeaky Coconut with 2D bacon for making everyone think of his name like that.
Captain Falcon was the #1 customer of "Cyduck Does Dallas". He rented it a record 783 times.
Ultros sued Freija the Squeaky Coconut for not giving him his own fanfic.
Other than this, they all lived happily ever after.
THE END, SO STOP READING.
Disclamer :
I OWN NINTENDO SO IT'S OK FOR ME TO WRITE FANFICS!!! No, really, Freija the Squeaky Coconut does NOT own Smash Bros. No kadoy. She will continue to write stupid fanfics about it. You wanna take this outside, Miyamoto??? *silence* ... See, he's not gonna do anything. He's scared of me. *lol*
