Link to original post: [drupal=1412]Roaches have better mating prospects than El Nino[/drupal]
Now be a good boy,
Take good care of our house,
Cricket, my child.
--Issa (trans. by Peter Beilenson)
http://www.sacred-texts.com/shi/jh/jh00.htm
They turn up, as usual, after I've finished the weekly cleaning.
It's cockroach mating season.
And no, you don't want to be living where I am living.
There's nothing like waking up to a conjoined, copulating pair on your wall.
I should know better than to rent a room in a renovated motel. Especially after chasing one out of the bathtub, another out of the crevice between the front door and the wall, before looking up and finding the husband-wife duo locked up near the ceiling, all within five minutes of waking up.
In the ensuing chase, involving the cat and a pot of boiling water, I managed to get one of the pair out the door. Knowing my luck, it was probably the male. In the epic battle between Man and Insect, the latter tends to win. They feast upon our bones, and they'll be here long after we, as a species, are gone.
That thing about cockroaches being resistant to nuclear radiation is true. Cells are most vulnerable to radiation when they are dividing. Unlike humans, cockroaches don't have cells that are constantly dividing, and those cells that do divide only do so during their periods of molting.
That thing about cockroaches being able to survive for a week without a head is true, as well. They also have free flowing white blood that can be pumped in two directions. They can also run up to three miles an hour and hold their breath for up to forty minutes. They have large nerves on their posterior regions and a highly reactive peripheral nervous system, making it very hard for something to sneak up on them (say, a rolled-up newspaper, a broom, a shoe, etc.). They possess far faster reflexes than any human being. The females can store sperm and are capable of laying eggs for a long period of time after just a single copulation. Their gestation periods are fairly brief.
Meaning I have a matter of days to get that other roach out of here before she lays her egg case and her babies hatch and proceed to eat off my face while I sleep.
Their ancestral line reaches 400 million years into the past. Compared to the 2.5 million years, max, attributable to Homo sapiens, I wonder if this species ever stood a chance.
One day, I'll make enough to move out of this primordial-life-form-infested pisshole. Everyday, I tell myself this. At some point, I'll pay off that credit card debt currently ****** my bank account and be able to afford a place with a real kitchen. Maybe I'll even be able to buy a bed. And a laundry machine. And I won't have to pay rent because I'll own it.
In my dreams, right, cockroach, my child? You wanna come with me? We'll ditch this place, with its liquor stores and prostitute motels, and we'll get one of those homes the next city over, with the well-manicured lawns and weekly-swept streets and full garages so I can park my car without collecting a coat of dust every other day. We'll buy our groceries from organic food stores and send our kids to schools that actually take their curriculum seriously. There'll be a community pool and a gate at the entrance of the neighborhood. We'll trade in the Toyota Camry for a BMW, and we'll get it waxed every week. We'll have money for Botox and spa treatments. We'll hire people from this neighborhood to clean our kitchens and bathrooms. We'll spend our weekends at marble-floored shopping malls, sipping lattes, browsing designer jeans and electronic toys.
In the meantime, look after this place while I'm out, won't you? If you stay on the walls, my cat won't catch you.
Now be a good boy,
Take good care of our house,
Cricket, my child.
--Issa (trans. by Peter Beilenson)
http://www.sacred-texts.com/shi/jh/jh00.htm
They turn up, as usual, after I've finished the weekly cleaning.
It's cockroach mating season.
And no, you don't want to be living where I am living.
There's nothing like waking up to a conjoined, copulating pair on your wall.
I should know better than to rent a room in a renovated motel. Especially after chasing one out of the bathtub, another out of the crevice between the front door and the wall, before looking up and finding the husband-wife duo locked up near the ceiling, all within five minutes of waking up.
In the ensuing chase, involving the cat and a pot of boiling water, I managed to get one of the pair out the door. Knowing my luck, it was probably the male. In the epic battle between Man and Insect, the latter tends to win. They feast upon our bones, and they'll be here long after we, as a species, are gone.
That thing about cockroaches being resistant to nuclear radiation is true. Cells are most vulnerable to radiation when they are dividing. Unlike humans, cockroaches don't have cells that are constantly dividing, and those cells that do divide only do so during their periods of molting.
That thing about cockroaches being able to survive for a week without a head is true, as well. They also have free flowing white blood that can be pumped in two directions. They can also run up to three miles an hour and hold their breath for up to forty minutes. They have large nerves on their posterior regions and a highly reactive peripheral nervous system, making it very hard for something to sneak up on them (say, a rolled-up newspaper, a broom, a shoe, etc.). They possess far faster reflexes than any human being. The females can store sperm and are capable of laying eggs for a long period of time after just a single copulation. Their gestation periods are fairly brief.
Meaning I have a matter of days to get that other roach out of here before she lays her egg case and her babies hatch and proceed to eat off my face while I sleep.
Their ancestral line reaches 400 million years into the past. Compared to the 2.5 million years, max, attributable to Homo sapiens, I wonder if this species ever stood a chance.
One day, I'll make enough to move out of this primordial-life-form-infested pisshole. Everyday, I tell myself this. At some point, I'll pay off that credit card debt currently ****** my bank account and be able to afford a place with a real kitchen. Maybe I'll even be able to buy a bed. And a laundry machine. And I won't have to pay rent because I'll own it.
In my dreams, right, cockroach, my child? You wanna come with me? We'll ditch this place, with its liquor stores and prostitute motels, and we'll get one of those homes the next city over, with the well-manicured lawns and weekly-swept streets and full garages so I can park my car without collecting a coat of dust every other day. We'll buy our groceries from organic food stores and send our kids to schools that actually take their curriculum seriously. There'll be a community pool and a gate at the entrance of the neighborhood. We'll trade in the Toyota Camry for a BMW, and we'll get it waxed every week. We'll have money for Botox and spa treatments. We'll hire people from this neighborhood to clean our kitchens and bathrooms. We'll spend our weekends at marble-floored shopping malls, sipping lattes, browsing designer jeans and electronic toys.
In the meantime, look after this place while I'm out, won't you? If you stay on the walls, my cat won't catch you.
