I see, well...
I am a Forest.
Of gay light unclean.
I am a savior
Of all things it seems.
Be really careful about using words that don't match in background/origin. What I mean by this is "seems" is a pretty informal day to day speech kind of word, whereas using "gay" in this context should be a clear indication of the stepping back from colloquialisms. Also "seems" is sort of a copout line. The narrator isn't convicted in being a savior? He only thinks so? It lessens the impact.
Being a forest of light is an interesting image, and the forest being capitalized makes me focus on the importance of the forest.
I glow like the eyes
Of a night owl unseen.
I am the Corrector
Of night things that gleam.
Be very careful about the repetition of closely related works when they are in focal positions (such as stops at the ends of lines). "seems" and "unseen" are both similar sounding visually-oriented words but the meanings here do not correlate; in fact they are opposite in nature. This can slow down the fluidity of the work. Also avoid ambiguous words if at all possible. "Night things that gleam" makes me think first of the moonlight, but then of eyes of creatures (such as the owl mentioned).
Meaning wise, I am starting to get a sort of "batman" vibe. An unclean protector/corrector of the night. Contrasting images, but the clarity is a bit vague for my liking. I would love to hear what you had in mind.
I bid no harm;
No sticks to be broken.
Where light is my charm,
And night is my token.
Definitely your strongest stanza, for a few reasons. First is that your cadence is the most powerful in these lines. Your word choice is precise and the narrator has confidence. Not
"I may bid no harm," you make it clear their stance. Very tight lines and cleans up some of the issues from the first two stanzas by tying them together.
I still have to ask what this is specifically about. I would also suggest counting syllables and matching the stanzas up if you are going to use ABAB rhyme pattern. Rhyming poems demand a level of attention to not waste the effort in matching up sounds and ignoring this makes it stumble. It also tends to sound like a bad nursery rhyme of the lines aren't as crisp as they could me. This poem overall has romantic archetypes (the moon, the night, light, eyes, etc) so I would consider making this into a sonnet.
wtf dude, just tell him your thoughts and if you have criticisms, say what they are. why else would he post this in here?
WTF dude, do you not understand how important it is to understand where an author is with his work? If it's a first draft certain things are more acceptable than someone who thinks they have a polished item. Knowing what the author is wanting to get feedback on helps tremendously.
Furthermore, you should be fired from being a mod if this is where you mod because you are worse than anyone else in this thread. You have contributed nothing besides snarky comments.
