Poetry

[Crimson King]

I'm in Creative Writing: Poetry right now. Yesterday, I had a session with my teacher who's the department head, poet-in-residence, either THE state poet or a high ranking one, and a published poet here as well. The teacher said I was the best poet in class and gave me the highest grade: B+. (he doesn't give As for the first conference because everyone needs improvements at that point) Redcell pretty much demanded I post them.

Note: I haven't done my 3 or 4th revisions, yet since the conference. Give me feedback.

1. The Old Man

There he has stood the tests and trials of time,
Never showing age; looking never young.
His arms may be covered with slimy grime,
Yet kids love him; from his branches they’ve swung.

In awe I stand asking what he’s seen,
I crane my neck to see beyond his head,
But all, I can see above me is green,
And in the fall, hair will turn brown and red.

He stands strong, tall, proud, worry-free, and brave,
But windy days makes him fall, killing him.
His body made of that, which termites crave,
And man will strip him, ripping limb from limb.

At his stump counting his rings, part by part,
One hundred years, gone, for a new Wal-Mart.
​

2. She Dances with the Wind - Restrictions: English Sonnet

The wind takes hold of her body, tightly,
I feel deeply envious of its prize.
Held by air, her feet skim the ground lightly,
Tears begin flowing from her dirt brown eyes.
How can I get my love from air’s embrace?
How can I hope to fight that without shape?
Will I ever be able to see her face?
Am I to die alone on this shore’s Cape?
For her I admit my wrongdoing
She cries leaving me alone. Solitude.
She decides to leave me of her choosing.
And she will be free, the girl I once wooed.
For the ghost I battled was not a wind,
But jealousy I had when she spoke to my friend.
​

3. Civilization Lost - I posted this one but added to it.

We killed life as we knew it
With our destructive ways.
The earth gave up on us,
And then she turned against man.
Now we are alone with our depravity,
Never going back to what we were.

What caused the end of society?
We can’t even recall.
We swim through downtown Los Angeles.
Hunt deer on New Orleans’ streets.
Washington D.C. overran with bears.
We lost our edge when the technology fell.

Running wild and free,
The animals we feared.
Manhattan is but a savannah,
And Queens like the ocean.
Society is undone and there is no turning back,
In our Ford caves, we kill for electricity with anything but a gun.

There is no good and evil,
Black nor white. The world is now gray.
​

4. A Beautiful Tragedy - Restrictions: Italian Sonnet

Silently she whimpered, holding a rose.
No matter how much she tried, her eyes flow
With tears. Her life is always filled with woe
And heartache, but onward with life she goes.
Guided by her heart, love’s the oar with she rows
No matter, she will always love him so.
When he’s home, oaks will have a yellow bow.
And life will return to normal, she knows.

But for now, she is like a furled mast.
Everyday she cries out, “I cannot last.”
No matter her trust, angry thoughts still rend
Her fragile heart. She has no thoughts to lend
Because her pain is too great for her heart
Thinking of her and her man now apart.
​

5. Plant Sestina - I did this one on my own without a restriction

On a table, I sit in a glass vase.
In this white room, I sit; Alone. Just me.
I wonder when he’ll be home; soon I hope.
For as bad as it sounds, I want water.
Almost a week and no drop, “Look my leaves
Are drooping!” One more day and I may crash…

Then at once, I hear a sudden noise – Crash!
If I were a turtle, I’d hide in my vase.
The stranger stays a short while then leaves,
In a rush. I wonder if he’d give me
A drink. I beg, “Just something, sir! Water?”
But no, he goes leaving me with no hope.

But wait! A woman comes and there is hope.
She walks with a glass and falls with a crash
To the couch. I ask, “where is my water?”
Can’t she see me? I have a pretty vase.
What to do to get her to notice me?
Will she not see my sagging, wilting leaves?

She’s getting up. Can I wiggle my leaves?
Is this my shot? Could it be my last hope?
But I don’t think she even can see me.
I guess I’m invisible; my hopes crash.
Why is she ignoring my pretty vase?
Does she understand I need some water?

What’s coming from her eye? Is it water?
Did she finally see my tattering leaves?
The benefit of my plight is my vase;
A beautiful coffin. It’s my last hope.
I had a long life, but it’s soon to crash
With me wishing my owner had loved me..

I am here to die without him: just me.
The world’s most abundant resource, water,
I get none. What’d she say about a crash?
I wonder if he’ll ever see my leaves.
His crying mother says there is no hope,
While his father walks over to my vase.

He takes a long, hard, sad look at me,
At last he gives me a bit of water.
They bring me to their son, dead from a crash.
​

I forgot to add in the changes as I said, but there are a few lines I plan to rework. Thanks...

Happy Redcell?

 

[Blackadder]

I'm no expert. Please note that.

I really didn’t believe this. I saw the title “Poetry” on the SWF main page area. Then I saw the name “Crimson King” underneath that. I assumed instantaneously that this meant you had come in, and closed some poor guys poetry topic. I got a neat surprise when I saw it was actual poetry from you CK!

I don’t like to always jump to what I think is the star moment of something, but I really wanted to with this. “A Beautiful Tragedy” had me interested. It’s really the first part that I like, with you having the rhymes in a consistent “flow”.

“Silently she whimpered, holding a rose.
No matter how much she tried, her eyes flow
With tears. Her life is always filled with woe
And heartache, but onward with life she goes.
Guided by her heart, love’s the oar with she rows
No matter, she will always love him so.
When he’s home, oaks will have a yellow bow.
And life will return to normal, she knows.”

I know rhyming isn’t essential in poetry, but I always love it when it comes out so well like that. The second verse didn’t keep with the established style you had going, but it was still enjoyable enough. But that’s where most of these fall for me. Enjoyable. (I’m not heavily into poetry, but I’m an avid rap fan, so a lot of what I’m saying comes from my experience with that medium of writing, so maybe I’m wrong with much of this) The “Civilization lost” is good. They all are, really, but it seems to be clichéd at times. I don’t know why it does to me, it just…does? The words fit well, the feeling is there, but it sounds like summat I’ve heard time and time over. This is an overall grade of that piece though, as the verse on the cities, with lines like “We swim through downtown Los Angeles. Hunt deer on New Orleans’ streets.” Has its own charm. I thought “The Old Man” was interesting, and more original than “Civilization lost” or the again clichéd feeling I got from “She Dances with the Wind”. Love has been written about so many times in poetry, I imagine it is ironically now hard to make a truly astounding piece on it nowadays, however. But surely lines such as “The wind takes hold of her body, tightly” have been done before.

The finale, “Plant Sestina” is other part of this I would grade rather highly. I love the surreal but sad feel it has to it. I understand this is all EXTREMEMLY good stuff for someone like you, who is still young and willing, but improvement is possible. Have you tried to include some really special metaphors? Euphemisms? Yes, you have them here, but ones which no one else has even tampered on? I think the best way to get this stuff is from your own experience. Try writing sad things when sad. Try writing happy things when happy. It can give them that added feel, know what I mean? Also, multi-rhyming is always good. You know, things like “lamp on” to “Tampon” (Bad example, but do you get where I’m coming from?)

I may be VERY wrong with everything I just said Crimson, please note that. I’m not an avid fan of most poetry, but I just wanted to through in my two cents.
Overall I (Real emphasis on the “I” there) think this is all very impressive for someone so young, but sometimes falls short on clichés and “Been there, done that’s”

But I wanna see what everyone else says. See how wrong I am with much of this!

 

[Crimson King]

Just wanted to add, the poem you quoted, "A Beautiful Tragedy," is an Italian sonnet.

It's form goes ABBAABBA CCDDEE (or CDECDE), just a point to clarify.

 

[Silent_Jester]

wow CK I never really pictured you as the poetic type. Makes sense I guess, people don't see me as one either.

Civalization Lost was great. Do you mind if I take it and write a song around it? With credit to you of course.

 

[Crimson King]

wow CK I never really pictured you as the poetic type. Makes sense I guess, people don't see me as one either.

Civalization Lost was great. Do you mind if I take it and write a song around it? With credit to you of course.

Go ahead, I did it already, anyway.

99% of my poems are turned into songs as I write them.

 

[Blackadder]

99% of my poems are turned into songs as I write them.

Really?
Do you feel your songs are any good?
I'd love to be able to check out some of them, if you don't mind posting them up at all.
...songs are cool.

 

[McCloud]

*closes thread*

There's a poetry critique thread.


Jay kay lololol.

It seems to me that you gave the most effort in making Plant Sestina. It stands out from the rest of your poems.

 

[Crimson King]

****it to hell! Didn't realize there was a critique thread...

Interesting thing when I write poetry for this class, it has to be done the day before with the deadline approaching. Both A Beautiful Tragedy and Plant Sestina were written for the same day.

As for my songs, I'll post them once I feel they are up to my standard for critiquing. I am a perfectionist. It took me ages just to feel mildly satisfied with these for posting.

Any changes, ideas, anything to improve the poems?

This weekend, I'll go poem by poem with parts I need help on, most notably my ending to Plant Sestina. That is the original ending. I changed it to "Hurt from a crash," because killing the main character felt weird. I killed him off for impact, but it really doesn't fit because you don't take a flower in a vase to a funeral.

 

[PicoZX]

Nice poetry there!