[Poem] Never End Rollercoaster

[Pr0phetic]

Never End Rollercoaster by Anthony H.(Rukkiko)

I ponder why I joined this ride
Then I remember why I abide
Due to the never end
The love I happy obliged
For I knew with you, that our bond for never end.

Up we rise,
O pray we always rise.
Even if we fall, we always up,
Up again.

Such a trial may come
A tribulation to witstand
Please grab my tether,
Stay to my distant hand
Because my love, for ever ill hold
So we stay, remain so bold

Up we rise
O pray we always rise.
Even if we fall, we always up,
Up again

We may dip into the depths,
But everything will straighten out
Then, we rise
Rise to our never end

 

[Virgilijus]

I like it, especially the two refrains. The syntax is purposely off, but it just adds a certain flavor to the poem. Sometimes it feels a little too much like freestyle to me (when the rhymes are so quick and persistent) and I really don't like the first two lines. You overuse "I" too much and are just stating everything for us instead of showing. It's the equivalent of saying "I did this and this before I did this and this". It doesn't matter what those things are, the way that they are told ******* the readers attention. But don't let that make you think it's a bad poem: it's not

 

[Pr0phetic]

I like it, especially the two refrains. The syntax is purposely off, but it just adds a certain flavor to the poem. Sometimes it feels a little too much like freestyle to me (when the rhymes are so quick and persistent) and I really don't like the first two lines. You overuse "I" too much and are just stating everything for us instead of showing. It's the equivalent of saying "I did this and this before I did this and this". It doesn't matter what those things are, the way that they are told ******* the readers attention. But don't let that make you think it's a bad poem: it's not

Thanks for the critique my man =]