[Poem/Letter] Dear Dad,

[rhan]

What was your emotion when I was born?
Happy? If so explain beacuse I am confused.
You left me, brother, and mom. Went to start a new family, forgeting about the old one.
So now the past has snuck up on you.
What do you do? Deny your first and second born? Move on with life?
How is it that a complete stanger to us is a better father than you?
Was you there when I took my first steps?
Was you there to teach me how to ride a bike?
Was you there when I got into fights?
Was you there though the aches and pains? When I was sick?
When there were deaths?
Was you at my basketball games?
In the principals office when I got in trouble? There for every court session?
My graduation?
Was you ever there when I wanted you? When I needed you?
You have taught me one thing though after all of these years.

"Forget the past. Move ahead with the future."

But there is one thing I shall not forget. My past. These scars and marks are here for a reason. Marks may fade away...but scars last a lifetime. Apparently your a mark. Something that will fade. Vanish. You and I do not deserve the same name for I am not you. I have a conscience.



Thank you for reading.

 

[Virgilijus]

Very emotional poem.

I would say change the phrase "was you there"; it kind of comes out of nowhere in the middle of the poem and kind of sticks out as the rest of the poem has more proper words and diction. It also gets a little repetitive being used in four straight lines. Maybe combining some of them (taking steps and riding bikes, perhaps). These lines also have a separate rhythm from the rest of the poem that makes them sort stick out in a somewhat forced way. I would suggest possibly converting their rhythm to the entire poem or taking their rhythm away. Also, I don't know why you have the last stanza as prose as it really doesn't fit. As for the scars and marks part; try not to preach directly to the audience when getting your point across. The reader can put the pieces together and understand what you are trying to say without you having to hold their hand through it (if done correctly). If you just say that he is a scar and that it has faded into nothingness, we'll understand what your saying

 

[rhan]

Very emotional poem.

I would say change the phrase "was you there"; it kind of comes out of nowhere in the middle of the poem and kind of sticks out as the rest of the poem has more proper words and diction. It also gets a little repetitive being used in four straight lines. Maybe combining some of them (taking steps and riding bikes, perhaps). These lines also have a separate rhythm from the rest of the poem that makes them sort stick out in a somewhat forced way. I would suggest possibly converting their rhythm to the entire poem or taking their rhythm away. Also, I don't know why you have the last stanza as prose as it really doesn't fit. As for the scars and marks part; try not to preach directly to the audience when getting your point across. The reader can put the pieces together and understand what you are trying to say without you having to hold their hand through it (if done correctly). If you just say that he is a scar and that it has faded into nothingness, we'll understand what your saying

I see.

Thank you for pointing out these flaws. I greatly appreciate it.

 

[lordzedd]

thats really deep. really good.

i think its fine the way you wrote it.

in poetry you should be able to write whatever the hell you want.. because honestly, it doesn't have any rules. it should show whatever emotion you want.. and let people take from it what they get.

thats just my opinion...