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Of Swords and FAngs

-=Marth_n_Roy=-

Smash Ace
Joined
Jun 5, 2003
Messages
835
Location
Mattland
IM not much of a writer, and this came out of a moment of creativity. Its has NOTHING to do with SSMB but it incorporates LOTS of things from MANY VGs and other things

Please, im trying to become a better writer, any feedback would be greatly appreciated

Microsoft word says the grammar is OK. . .lets get this show on the road!

for purposes of the creative minds section; rated

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*RING*
*RING*
God, who’d be calling me at two in the morning. . .

“Unless you are Lord Jesus himself, I’d advise you to hang up. Now”
“. . . Are you sure? . . . Of course . . . you’ve already made the travel arrangements? . . . Right away Sir! Medina, Out”


Eight hours and a couple thousand miles later I was flying over the Mediterranean wondering why the Vatican had called me. And I’m also wondering how the Pope got this private plane I’m riding in, makes a five star hotel look like a motel 6. Kind of makes you wonder how this world is run.

“Sir” the pilot’s cheery voice said over the intercom “We are beginning our decent, please fasten your seatbelt”

Between his voice and the intercom I haven’t gotten one ounce of sleep on this flight. I swear, if I found out he was under orders. . . I’ll ta-
“UGH! Christ! Care to land this plane and not crash it!? Lord, seems all of the pilots that got their licenses after me must have forged them.”

“I’m sorry sir, but it could not be helped”

I swear I could HEAR that kid smile. Its punks like this that make me want to renounce my oath as a Paladin, well, it’s not like I stick strongly to the code. I’ve been before the cardinals numerous times before on separate counts, some they took my side others . . . well . . . were kind of my fault.

“Sir, I hope your flight wa-“
“Kid, shut up, and fly yourself the hell out of my life”

“I’ve never understood your brash language Sir Medina” This voice sounded older and more experienced. I turned to look at the source and I saw a man walking towards me in a royal papal looking, ah ****.

“Your Excellency”, I said as I knelt before him “Although I am honored that you flew me here in your plane, I pray that boy is never my pilot again, for he may join our Lord prematurely . . . “

“Rise my son” Pope of the First Church of the Light, and commander of the Palladian forces, John was never one for, formalities. “I wonder sometimes why I keep you around here” we started to walk away from the airstrip.

“Gee John . . . it’s my winning personality”
“Lets see . . .” he begins counting off fingers “Constant brash language, the sparing of a Dark One, sexual misconduct, sexual misconduct WITH a Dark One, Mass Homicide . . . need I say more?”

Ouch! That stings.

“John, I’m only human . . . I think. Not EVERYONE can be celebrate, and the demon I spared turned out to be VERY useful in the end. Vampires are kinky, so that explains that. The mass homicide . . . well, although I regret doing every minute of it, I couldn’t control myself.”

“I can’t believe you. ‘Vampires are kinky’, that’s your best excuse?”

I would have thrown in more justification at this point, had I not noticed that we had walked into the Inner Sanctum of the Vatican. This room was earned its namesake by having walls impervious to radio waves, satellite probes, hazardous radiation, and just about every gadget in the NSA and then some. The room itself wasn’t much to look at, windowless, security monitors for the rest of the church, and a lone table in the center of the room. It looked very much like a war room. But to have brought me in here . . . what John has to say must be huge.

“I’ve called you here-
“At the Brink of dawn” I said under my breath
“To ask you for your help” his look intensified, and he sat himself at the head of the table. “Our man in the Anavrin Castle has reported that the High Circle has ordered an armistice among all demons for the time being. With that order they issued a decree; all assets are to be turned over to the royal family, those who resist shall be exterminated”

“Isn’t that a good thing? With as chaotic as the demon population is, half of them will be wiped out. And with the ceasefire, at least the lords won’t be feeding off of us as greatly. Either way, we shouldn’t suppress order, even for the shadow”

“True, but an administration born from dark intent will only spawn more destruction and madness. And as you said, mainly Lords and Upper Class demons are completely adhering to the new rules, New-Turns and young-lings are still at odds with each other. It will make getting you in there slightly less difficult.”

I looked a bit more closely at the papers scattered on the table, turned out the majority of them where castle schematics, some Intel on specific lords, and other flora-and-fauna of the area. If they already got this much info on the castle then-

“Don’t bother looking, the castle is almost impossible to get into with the equipment you’ll need to survive. Instead you will be sent in as a slave, our contact Moriarty will ‘purchase’ you and will be our/your eyes in this mission.” Hmm, that name rings a bell. It must have shown on my face, because John added: “Yes that name should sound familiar; he was the Demon I sent you to for you to get better control of you . . . Darkness”

Darkness . . . no matter what you called it, it was the name for a result to a twisted experiment. A while back, when I was still green, on a solo operation I was captured by a Vampire Lord whom I was trying to assassinate. At this point, I would’ve been bled dry, or turned, but THIS lord loved science and experimentation. Lately he had been trying to infuse darkness in various creatures, all died at one point or another after the treatment. I had survived, not because he failed, but because he gave the darkness in my soul form. I remember tearing free from that cold lab table, my entire body burning with pain. My incisors dropped two inches and every tooth in my point got razor sharp. My body bulked up, and my nails grew six inches each. I was . . . animalistic in appearance and intelligence. The last thing I remember of that night was using my new claws to rip out that Lords heart, and eating it. I awoke sometime later in a ruined keep . . . corpses all around me . . . with the strong scent of blood in the air. A team of paladins found me and brought me back to Rome where they couldn’t treat me. It was John that found me help at that time; Moriarty didn’t really cure me, he just gave me more control, and he allowed me to keep my mind during these transformations. He had also-

“MEDINA!” John yelled
“S-s-sorry sir” oops, I had gotten myself caught up in a trip down memory lane.

“As I was saying, you objectives are thus:
• Establish contact with Moriarty
• Obtain you equipment and train with your ‘slave-master’
• Discover the High Circle’s true intention
• Enter into the tournament and secure a portion of land for the Vatican
• Learn as much of the enemy has humanly possible during the course of this mission
Should they become a threat to humanity:
• Assassinate the High Circle
Now of course you know that these aren’t the ONLY things you should be doing, there will be other ways to further the cause of the Light on your mission. Just be advised, such acts are secondary to your mission objectives”

“Wait a second; you didn’t say anything about a tournament”
“I DID! You where to busy taking a trip down memory lane to have paid it any attention.” I offered John one of my meek smiles, to which he sighed, shook his head, and began restating what I didn’t hear earlier. He gathered his patience for one last marathon.

“The tournament is the deciding factor in the distribution of territories, basically the farther you get up in the ladder, the more choice you have in the size and location of your domain. Ones who are killed outside the tournament are instantly forfeit along with their killers if the duel wasn’t official. That means you cannot assassinate the competition without consent from the High Circle. Now eliminated survivors get last say in what they want obviously, but the reason all the Lords are competing is this; The High Circle is in the tournament and THEIR assets are up for grabs, including DOMINITION of the ENITRE demon realm! Of course the winner must actually state this, for the 1st place prize is that of the winner’s choice”

Whoa! Now I see why John wanted the best in the force! A shift of power this big could have dramatic implications of the rest of the world. If the Wrong people got into power, well, humanity is (for lack of a better word) ****ed. But if even the RIGHT demon got into power, then order may or may not exist for our two races. Well I’ve heard enough, its time to get this show on the road.

I placed my right fist over my heart and knelt down before my commander. “I accept this task and all of the danger it brings. As long as there is a breath in my chest and hope in my heart, I shall see this mission completed. May God have mercy on the souls of all who are involved.”
John stood up, raised his staff, and crossed me from afar, “Rise my son, and may the Lord watch over you”

I took my leave and went straight to the armory, I hope Moriarty can stash all of the ordinance I intend to send to him.





End Prologue
 

-=Marth_n_Roy=-

Smash Ace
Joined
Jun 5, 2003
Messages
835
Location
Mattland
Chapter 1: arival. Pt 1


As I awoke to darkness, the stench of sweat and decay filled my nose. I’ve been in this windowless dungeon for a week, I think, and everyday it gets more and more foul. The demons use this as one of their elimination steps, those who can’t survive the disease and decay of the dungeon obviously won’t be fit enough for slavery. Though, at least they gave the men in here with me a chance. The women, the young kids, where both taken first to either get bled dry, or worse. Few of them make it to slavery; they’re normally just food for the dark ones.
The dungeon door was thrown open, and I was instantly blinded by the first light I’ve seen in a week. A small red demon had entered, whose face had instantly scrunched up like something had offended his nose. He wasn’t much to look at, lightly armored, he had a whip attached to his belt and he was probably only waist high.
“All right you filthy bunch of humans! GET UP AND START MOVING” wow, for a short little guy, he could sure yell pretty loud. The others with me must have noticed how harmless he looked, so they, along with me, stayed put. At the last possible moment I’ve realized my mistake for two reasons; first the ******-demon’s whip was encased in fire when he pulled it out; secondly, I was sitting closest to him. ****** demon wasted no time in demonstrating the whip’s capacity for dishing out pain.
Shoomp-BANG!
A Lesser man would’ve yelled at this point, but I exhaled in anticipation; no air, no scream. Deafened and demoralized by both my expression of pain and by the sonic-boom effect of the whip, the men rose and started to move out of the room, with me along with them. Seems ****** took a liking to me, because every time he yelled “MOVE IT!” I was the one to get the lash. As the men and I hauled ourselves through the dimly lit dungeon hall, I noticed a change of surroundings. Walls looked less barren, more lighting, less . . . less blood. About 3 lashes later we where ‘asked’ to stop at a huge set of double doors. After checking to make sure we where all there (don’t ask) he ushered us out (wasn’t me who got the whip this time!) and started talking about this place while walking us onto the auction platform.
 

Akebo

Smash Apprentice
Joined
Feb 22, 2007
Messages
114
Location
Florida
Your prolouge is longer than your chapter...

Congratulations! You have just written better than half of the people on Fanfiction.net.

Anyway, you have potential here. You have the basic outline, you just need to build it up some more. Almost all of this is dialouge, but dialouge doesn't make a story. Add scenery, descriptions of the speakers. If they are talking in a bedroom, not only say they are, but describe the bedroom. I found this piece a little hard to read because I couldn't imagine is easily. It's that imagry that helps make the story alive.

I thought it was funny, but it isn't really my shtick. If it works for you, sure, but it didn't work for me.

Also, when listinhg objectives, please don't bullet them. Have something like this:

"Your objectives are to: Establish contact with Moriarty; Obtain you equipment and train with your ‘slave-master’; Discover the High Circle’s true intention..." Bullets are evil in literary works.

You have wonderful control of first person. Just incorporate descriptions and a little bit of better grammar into it. As I said; you have serious potential. Just elaborate a little. Even if I'm not completely crazy about the storyline, it was still an interesting read.

Your Friendly (Or not so much) Neighborhood Master of Angst,

Akebo


P.S. Vampires are kinky.
 

-=Marth_n_Roy=-

Smash Ace
Joined
Jun 5, 2003
Messages
835
Location
Mattland
I tried a bit, but im still working improving on it :)
(chapters one and two where pre-written, im re-editing them now for more descriptive content)


Ch 1 part 2


“Alright, you wretches, through these doors lays the great hall of-” gee, I sure hope I’m not missing anything important. I tune out ******-whiper to survey this ‘Great hall’ and I have to admit it’s not bad. Marble floor looks as if it’s seen a thousand fights, but not a single scar to mar its beauty. The ceiling is a minimum 200 yards from my head, supported by columns that look like the UN-leaning Tower of Pisa. Many floors to this castle, I count at least 4. The hall itself right now is set up for an auction, I’m assuming for the Men and I, lots of demons line the seats in from of us waiting patiently. Oh, looks like I’m up next.

“Now we have THIS man” I walked to the middle of my own accord when he gestured to me “Of all the men in this previous month’s catch, this one remained the healthiest and strongest. He has a HIGH resistance to pain” He paused and I surveyed looks of approval from the crowd “and as a kicker, he is an INTELLIGENT human” Most of the demons in the crowd laughed slightly. “We’ll begin bid for this human at 3000 Blood Sapphires”

As I watched the crowd, I instantly saw a problem: too many people where bidding for me, I’d make it hard for Moriarty to ‘purchase’ me in these circumstances. I need to do something to lower the demand. Then it hits me

“Richard!” I yelled at ****** dude
“W-what!?” it was obvious I caught him off guard
“My Name is Richard Medina, so STOP CALLING ME ‘HUMAN’!” Dead silence fills the room, even from the demons that already are dead.
“I DON’T CARE WHAT YOUR NAME IS! YOU’RE NOTHING IN THIS WORLD!!!” He raises his whip to lash me across the face, and I watch it’s every movement in the air. As it nears its target, I catch it cleanly in my hand. The heat from the whip burning, but not scorching, my palm.

“Enslave me if you will, but you will NOT strip me of my NOBILITY!” This last line stung the captive crowd; nobles fetch a better price on the market than others as slaves. I pulled the whip free and tossed it aside, all was silent on stage, until a lone voice broke it.

“7000” said a demon in garbed in semi-formal blue robes
“10000” countered a lich lord in a deep green leather (albeit hanging from his bones)
“I’ll pay 15000 for that man”
“25000” said Moriarty, who set the bar high enough to secure me. ****** was still stunned, but eventually he was back to the auction.
“SOLD! To the Lord in back, please come and sign the registration papers” and under his breath, ****** added “and rid me of this Wretched pile of ****”
 

Akebo

Smash Apprentice
Joined
Feb 22, 2007
Messages
114
Location
Florida
Don't post chapters in parts. Just have the whole thing. If you want to divide it, just use dashes or some kind of divider.
 
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