No ****ing Johns.

[B.Wong]

I remember getting into a mildly heated debate over whether Roy or Ike was a better character. He, being an avid Ike supporter challenged me to a 99 stock duel of Roy v. Ike. At college around 2 AM we are sitting playing in his room and every time he lost a stock he blames himself, stating that he's not using Ike right. However every time he took a stock off me, it was Ike is so much better than Roy because A, B,C."

I couldn't win this argument.

I also have another friend who has never taken a game off me who says "lets see how this goes" in a subtly cocky voice every time he manages to get 2 stocks off me. I gave him the death stare after he said this once, but because of his lack of picking up on social cues continued to say this.

Not even a John but simply infuriating to listen to.

 

[Zoa]

Got a new one!

"Your character is OP."

So I switch to Link.

"Link's broken. Switch back to Lucario."

 

[ryanator008]

"You only use cheap characters!"
"I let you win, because I'm being nice!"
"This game is only fair with all items off!'

 

[Schir]

One of the more bizarre ones I ran into while playing some casual PM matches today:
"I only died because the gravity's stronger near the ledge."

 

[JayTheUnseen]

One of the more bizarre ones I ran into while playing some casual PM matches today:
"I only died because the gravity's stronger near the ledge."

That's some imagination...

 

[B.Wong]

Ok the items one I kinda protest. For example: take a pokeball. You don't know whats in there do you?

 

[Cubelarooso]

Doesn't matter: One could turn them off, or not take losing seriously when they're on.

 

[Blazing Ambition]

"It's this song"
"Your moves have more priority than me"
"Falcon's such a gimmick character"

 

[Ningildo]

"Who even plays Olimar?"

 

[DMG]

"I don't understand, I can always beat my friends and Level 9 CPU's"

 

[Deus]

My cousin literally every time he willing plays against me and gets crushed (which is every time) "I don't really like this game."
So, why do you keep asking to play me then?

So, why did I have the bowl, Bart? WHY DID I HAVE THE BOWL?

 

[robosteven]

"Up-b didn't work." -me

 

[Pwnz0rz Man]

My favorite johns are those that are completely nonsensical and in good humor. Stuff like "You only won because you beat me" or "I only lost because you knocked me off the stage." I throw those around with my friend when we play from time to time. I also enjoy very loosely quoting Men in Black for "Swamp gas from Venus got in my eyes and distracted me."

 

[GaretHax]

"3.5 Ganon is broken. All he did was roll and I read every one but couldn't punish. And he can kill off one hit." - Melee Fox player
"I would have beaten any of these scrubs in [a different game]." - Same guy
"I should have won the tournament. [Person lost to] should not have beat me, and I can beat everyone after him." - This one person after every (double elimination) tournament
"I beat him in friendlies!" - My whole scene

To be fair Mobile is kinda stacked and full of really inconsistently good players and some people who are just miles past everyone else, let them have the friendlies lol.
Also:
http://taerk.net/files/john-o-tron-9k.html

 

[robosteven]

Also:
http://taerk.net/files/john-o-tron-9k.html

"My controller is in my eyes"

 

[Schwamus]

Got a new one!

"Your character is OP."

So I switch to Link.

"Link's broken. Switch back to Lucario."

Lol I play Lucario too and something about him brings a lot of hate. Some personal favorites:

"How am I supposed to see my character if he's blue all the time?"
"How am I supposed to hit you if you just down B everything??"
"Aura bomb is OP" ==> Oh you mean the slowest moving projectile in the whole game? Real OP.

 

[robosteven]

the amount of times I hear "I can't even tell what he's doing to me" when people fight my Olimar

 

[Schwamus]

the amount of times I hear "I can't even tell what he's doing to me" when people fight my Olimar

Not gonna lie, I legitimately cannot distinguish between a couple of Olimar's moves haha. That being said, that comment's still a John.

 

[Narpas_sword]

the amount of times I hear "I can't even tell what he's doing to me" when people fight my Olimar

I do that vs olimar.

I honesty just give up focus and stop caring if i take a beating =/

 

[robosteven]

I do that vs olimar.

I honesty just give up focus and stop caring if i take a beating =/

It's okay, whatever attacks he's doing to you probably won't result in death unless you're already at KO percents.

...or if you're below Olimar offstage because dair spikes

 

[Volt-Ikazuchi]

Not feeling it right now, man.

Let me guess, this person plays Shulk in Smash 4.

Anyway, "Didn't play for a week, got rusty."
"I'm holding back because I'm teaching you the fundamentals."
"I can't even block against Lucario because you can cancel blockstrings into Force Palm"
"You taunt all day with Samus like a scumbag."

PM is fun.

 

[HiroProtagonist]

"Don't you think its a little cheap that Ganon's recovery is based around an exploit?"

I literally paused the game to stare at this dude complaining about 3.02 Ganon's recovery. Turns out he thought it was unfair that you get your jump back from a down-b.

 

[PootisKonga]

"Bowser's armor is so janky"
-after I armored 5 consecutive Knees with 5 consecutive Side Bs

I think I still lost that match tho

 

[Cubelarooso]

"Don't you think its a little cheap that Ganon's recovery is based around an exploit?"

I gotta use that one.

 

[HiroProtagonist]

I argued that opinion in the Melee Social Facebook page until Kage called me "crazy" and I got banned. Oops.

 

[Ramz289]

Me: "This controller sucks, I can't do anything."

*New controllers come in*

"This controller is too stiff, I can't do anything."

 

[Volt-Ikazuchi]

"Ganon has to double jump to reach the height of a normal character's hop"
"Ganon's Float is too short"
"Ganon still falls even when floating"
"Ganon falls faster than Fox"
"Are we playing on the DBZ training chamber? The gravity feels like it."
"I have to float to throw out any aerials."
"I can't even laugh when I Ganoncide because he falls so fast I barely notice it."

Day 1 Ganon shenanigans. Guess Brawl's gravity was useful for something.

 

[Pharo]

"they need to buff X recovery theres nothing I can do to recover" X = there character after I successfully edge guard

"Captain falcon's Knee is to powerful and easy to do it needs nerfed" -Them just getting hit by the knee

"Shine is broken you can do it instantly whenever you want with no punish" - After I do shine pressure combos against there shield

"Marth tip is way too good, hes the easiest character to play" - them getting spaced/mindgamed and hit

"Every move of mario's combos into another its too good" - Them after getting hit by a mean mario combo (no DI usually)

"All you do is ____ to win" ____ = a move they get hit by everytime

Just some I've heard off the top of my head. Not all necisarily johns but They are excuses/complaining.

I will throw the "this tv has lag" whenever I don't play on a CRT though, cause that seriously messes up my playing ability and reactions.

 

[Octavium]

I see myself as a respectable player but I have a few Johns i say from time to time.

''I'm not feeling smash today, buddy.'' (Im usually serious when I say this though)
''That **** has a weird hitbox, I could've never known that without getting hit by it''
''That **** can spike!?!''
''That caught me offguard''

I never diss the opponent's skill when they pull off awesome stuff though:

I usually compliment them when they take a stock from me and when they pull off a cool combo, unless I'm salty xD.

 

[TheDarkMysteryMan]

"No! IF i can't do that, than you can't do it either!"
"My nose itches!"
"his recovery is too good!"
"JUDGE should be banned!"

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only adult when it comes to bull**** like this. If you want to win then get good. Don't try to limit my potential with my main and a random kill move.

 

[Greed-checkTheTek]

My brother makes such bull**** johns, and when we play he has the worst excuses.(he has no competitive knowledge nor does he want to learn and calls me stupid for wanting to learn so **** em)
"knee is bull****"
"You only win because you rely on those platforms"(still beat him on FD)
" captain falcon is so fast"
"man I'm not feeling it"
"down A is cheating"
"I lose because link sucks " lol then ****ing switch?
"If I studied this **** like you I'd be better" me: well get used to my victory screen then
"That move should be banned"(every single time he gets combo'd)


(calls me a ***** for using affective moves)


He literally asked me if "down A"(spike) was allowed in tournaments and I said yes and he said it was bull**** and should be banned lololololol

 

[MysticSkarps]

I play with my friend on weekends. I hear these:
"My controller is glitched." No, it's not
"You changed the game file to make mewtwo op." I can't do that
"Stop shine to daring with falco, it's banned" Just me playing falco regularly
"My tap jump doesn't work (he uses tap jump)" I edgeguard him and he wastes his jump
"You only win cuz you can l-cancel" I've told him how to at least 10 times
"Wavedashing is op" No, it's not

 

[Sumodude-S51]

"My controller had rumble off."

After he turns on rumble, loses the next match:

"The rumble was throwing me off."

 

[Saito]

"The air in your country is worse"

 

[pershona]

"You only win because you're mains are too easy to use" After i beat them with 10 different characters and 4 stocked a couple of times.