Nintedo Incident

[Parasaurolophus]

Thought I would post the beginning of a story I started.
I'm hoping for some criticism or support.
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Chapter 1: Trouble in the Castle

It was rather peaceful day in the Mushroom Kingdom; the citizens went about their daily business, and the resident heroes, Mario and Luigi, had gone off to Sarasaland. Meanwhile, the princess was in the castle having a conversation with three different toads around a large table in what would appear to be a dining hall. The older toad, Toadsworth, sat quietly while Peach, Toad, and Toadette carried on their conversation. The grouped stopped talking as the entrance doors began to open.

“Hello.” A seemingly nasally voice pierced the silence. There in the doorway stood Wario and Waluigi. Peach immediately stood up, followed by the others.

“We’re here for you, Miss Toadstool.” Wario’s deeper voice spoke. He grinned as he took a few steps forward, followed by Waluigi who twiddled with his mustache while bearing the same diabolical grin as Wario.

“Don’t worry Princess,” Toadsworth said softly, almost whispering, “We’ll handle them. Toadette, you take the Princess to safety.” Toadette answered with a nervous nod, she grabbed Peach’s hand and the two quickly exited the room.

“What do you want with our Princess?” Toad nervously asked, he took a step forward, his job was to protect the princess, and he would protect with his life if necessary, knowing it would ensure the safety of the Mushroom Kingdom. He trembled awaiting a response. “Just let us have her,” Wario said bitterly, “And we’ll spare you.”

“I’m afraid we can’t…” Toadsworth spoke calmly, grabbing his wooden cane.

“Then we’ll have to take her…” Waluigi said almost joyfully, “by force.” At that moment, the Wario brothers charged forward. Toad acted quickly, he was incredibly fast for someone with such small stature, and head-butted Wario to the ground. Wario grunted as he hit the floor, but quickly got himself up and body slammed the vulnerable toad.

Toadsworth didn’t stand a chance against Waluigi; he swung his cane at the tall, ghastly man, but missed. Waluigi used this to his advantage and delivered a powerful kick and knocked the old toad over. Toadsworth knew he had lost, and as his frail body hit the hard floor, he lost consciousness.

From then on, Toad was an easy target for the brothers. He put up an amazing fight using his large head as a powerful weapon and his sheer strength, but he couldn’t keep up with the two of them. Waluigi managed to grab him and slam him into the wall, Toad fell unconscious and hit the floor.
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“C’mon, in here!” Toadette’s high-pitched voice chirped. The two pushed open two large doors and entered and long corridor with a single door at the end. This was Peach’s room, once in there they could take a secret passage way out of the Mushroom Kingdom and into Sarasaland where they could seek help.

Unfortunately, they had been too slow. Wario pushed opened the doors behind them; while Waluigi was no where in sight. The princess gasped and backed up.
“Go…” Toadette said nervously, trembling, “I’ll hold him off.”

“Toadette, you couldn’t possibly-”
“Go.” Her voice became firm and the message clear. Peach hesitated, and turned around, “Good luck” she whispered kindly before running down the hall. Toadette and Wario simply stared at each other and there was a deafening silence. The silence was then broken by Wario’s sneering laugh. Toadette saw and opening, and took it. She rushed forward and jumped into the air, spinning. Her braid like extensions delivering rapid blows on Wario’s face, stunning him, but not long enough.
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Next: Chapter 2: The Escape

 

[cam`]

a lot of syntax errors and prose that needs work. you've got a lot of excess that can be cut out, just text that doesn't serve any purpose or add to the story

seemingly nasally voice
conversation with three different toads around a large table in what would appear to be a dining hall.
Toad acted quickly, he was incredibly fast for someone- comma should be a period or colon or pretty much anything
followed by Waluigi who twiddled with his mustache while bearing the same diabolical grin as Wario.

try not to write it like a movie storyboard. there was a deafening silence? cool, but don't let us know that by saying 'there was a deafening silence.'

 

[supersonicdjs]

^ I agree.

Like this: "A defeaning silence blanketed the room, but was broken by the plump, evil, money grubbing, Wario."

Ok... That went too far.

But you get my point.

 

[Ninja-Z]

It's got potential, but along with the problems already listed, you seem to have trouble with punctuation. As a rule of thumb, all quotes followed by "said (character name)" that don't end in an exclamation or question mark require a comma. For example:

"We're here for you, Miss Toadstool." Wario's deeper voice spoke.

That should be: "We're here for you, Miss Toadstool," Wario's deeper voice spoke.

Another problem with punctuation is that you use far too many commas. Cut some out to create a better flow. Only use them for introductory clauses, lists, and parenthetical expressions. (For a more in-depth look at comma rules, check out: http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/punct/comma.html).

The next problem you have is simplicity and sentence flow. Using the previous example, the "Wario's deeper voice spoke" can be simplified to "Wario said in his deep voice," or even just "Wario said." It's less wordy and helps the story flow. As it is now, however, most of this chapter is rigid and sentences are either too abrupt, run-ons, or wordy. It's tough, but you need to find the right balance between description and brevity.

You have potential as a writer, however, so I hope to see more from you with the criticism taken to heart.