Need some criticism on an English Paper

[Kanelol]

Wrote a rough draft of this, turned it in, and the teacher was like: Wahhh I don't understand WAHHH REWRITE IT.

So I rewrote it, tried to give a little more context. Help?

-I am in here. I am seated, posture consciously congruent to the hard wood chair, the anterior sides of my forearms resting gently on the massive stained oak conference table in front of me.
A duo of faces arrayed above paisley and beige kekulean half and full-windsor knots, respectively, are arranged across the table from me, one’s mouth running unendingly.
“-alled this meeting today to discuss a few concerns my colleague and I have with the continuation of Kane’s inappropriate behavio-“
The frizzy-haired form of my mother is residing in my left periphery, and without turning my head I can easily see the clench of her jaw making tendons stand out in her face and neck.
“-oday, as it stands, in light of recent events, I feel, and I’m relatively confident I’m not alone on this, that for Kane to continue attending WHS is not only a liability but quite possibly a danger to other stud-“
Towering with droopy shoulders and a shining bald spot on my port side is the mute, impassive man that people have told me is my father.
An interjection from the clearly beta-communicator that had been mostly silent at the flank of his bold chatterbox:
“-s’just a matter of respect, and gratitude, y’know, of which I’ve seen none from Kane since the beginning of this year, and several disciplinary run-ins prior to this specific incident indicate to me tha-“
The chronological chain of cause-and-effect that brought me to this exact moment isn’t remembered to me as a linear timeline, but more as a simultaneous series of internal states that are incessantly sprung to the forefront of attention in a way strikingly similar to the phenomena of some childhood memories only being evoked by particular olfactory and aural combinations.
The story (or ‘incident’), in-of-itself, is pretty boring. Truthfully, if I attempted to relay it to you, I would most likely misrecall the events, order, and possibly even the individuals involved and their roles in the debacle.
“-gret to inform you that we have no other choice but to enact a 180 day out of school policy for the remainder of Kane’s sophomoric year, furthermore, should he wish to attend WHS next year, or any year in the future, there would be a massive list of prerequisites and make-up work, which would only be required to indicate to me that there has indeed been a genuine change of heart and spirit in young Kane here, a maturing that I hope these unfortunate events will help bring about, additionally, the one and only wa-“ the initial speaker drones on, his voice like some kind of supposedly unrippable fabric being ripped over and over again.
This is supposed to be really, really important. I rest, barely registering sensory input. I know the decisions have already been made. Scores settled. Prejudices sated. I know this grotesque carnival of administrative motion-going-throughing is exactly that: a formality.
This concept presents itself fairly forcefully to me, and the pit of abstraction it (the concept, that is) not ungently drops me into feels soft, warm, inviting. Here I have found a catatonic stasis, a divorce from reality.
But unto the specific outcomes of this meeting, I remain unconcerned. The predetermined path of expulsion has already been chosen, the route already trod.
I am in here no longer. The subcutaneous belief that I am, in essence, different from everyone else fades in the lurid light of bureaucracy radiating from the faceless figure across from me.
And yet, it didn’t strike me exactly what had transpired that day until several months later. I was broken, in that fluorescent tomb. Ostracized from the most widely accepting system in the world. Helpless. But in the legitimately wee hours of night, when all other schoolchildren were snuggled up in their beds in preparation of the coming esurient Tuesday, I found myself supinated on top of a small hill, in a windswept field, under a parabolic dome glittering with neon fractals, my force of will and autonomy and retrograde indignation floating aloft like so much vapor in the atmosphere.-

 

[DerpDaBerp]

jesus, that was really good.

I especially like this paragraph:

The chronological chain of cause-and-effect that brought me to this exact moment isn’t remembered to me as a linear timeline, but more as a simultaneous series of internal states that are incessantly sprung to the forefront of attention in a way strikingly similar to the phenomena of some childhood memories only being evoked by particular olfactory and aural combinations.

Oh, and the last paragraph too.


The affluence of your character's large vocabulary and the condescending attitude toward his current situation shows me how empowered he feels, presumably to the point that he's indifferent about apparently causing danger at a school (probably having done something that's being blown out of proportion, since he doesn't seem like a totally irrational person).
The interjecting dialogue with its loose ends gives me context on top of revealing some of the speaker's personality. It's not a hassle to read over the rambling of the dialogue because they help to reveal more of the character, either by the info they give directly or by his reactions to them.
He may be within the tangles of some bureaucracy, but his mind is on the outside looking in.

What was the prompt/goal of the English assignment? Cuz as a story it's relatable, smart and witty.

I'm not good at scrutinizing cons when I like a piece overall, sorry :/

 

[saigatachi]

I'm enthralled by the imagery. Truly it is vivid and captivating.
I get that the character has done something to get him trouble in school. He is a loner whose severely detached from society and that may be what drives his behavior. Ultimately, this scene paints his descent into his own mind and the consummation of his seclusion.

I would give a more detailed analysis but I just wanted to get the ball rolling.

Btw. I loved "A duo of faces arrayed above paisley and beige kekulean half and full-windsor knots, respectively," but take out "respectively". I understand the aim to give the character a detached tone but I think it would make it smoother without that word and still maintain the effect.

 

[Kanelol]

Pretty open ended prompt: Write about an event or occurrence that was important in your life. I mean, the teacher hated it, is the only reason I'm sketched out.

I'm enthralled by the imagery. Truly it is vivid and captivating.
I get that the character has done something to get him trouble in school. He is a loner whose severely detached from society and that may be what drives his behavior. Ultimately, this scene paints his descent into his own mind and the consummation of his seclusion.

I would give a more detailed analysis but I just wanted to get the ball rolling.

Btw. I loved "A duo of faces arrayed above paisley and beige kekulean half and full-windsor knots, respectively," but take out "respectively". I understand the aim to give the character a detached tone but I think it would make it smoother without that word and still maintain the effect.

That's pretty much kind of exactly what I was going for but she (the aforementioned teacher) said she had no idea what was going on, or even what event I was writing about. Sure, this was after she read a draft with slightly less specific dialogue interludes, but the word expulsion was still used. I just.. Idk.

 

[saigatachi]

Ugh, teachers. There's good ones and there's bad ones. Your teacher seems to be missing the forest for the trees. You have exceptional talent.

Of course, its the grade that matters in the end right? So, from the teacher's perspective, I say give 'im the old 1-3-1: intro-body-conclusion deal, plugging this awesome morceau as an anecdote to that composition. That should shut him up--Jesus, no wonder the education system is in trouble.

 

[GoldShadow]

It's way too wordy, verbose to the point of being logorrheic. I'm not surprised your teacher had trouble following it. In fact, a lot of your word usage doesn't make sense at all. The teacher is definitely not in the wrong here.

-I am in here. I am seated, posture consciously congruent to the hard wood chair, the anterior sides of my forearms resting gently on the massive stained oak conference table in front of me.

"Consciously congruent," "anterior sides of my forearms?" I would try something like "posture aligned to the curve of the hard wooden chair, forearms resting on the conference table in front of me."

A duo of faces arrayed above paisley and beige kekulean half and full-windsor knots, respectively, are arranged across the table from me, one’s mouth running unendingly.

"Duo of faces" is a really clunky construction, and "paisley and beige kekulean half and full-windsor knots" is just too much description; it takes your reader out of the sentence and forces them to start analyzing the words that make up the sentence, which is not a good thing. It's great that you have a good vocabulary, but don't feel you need to use all of it all the time. I've never heard of the word Kekulean, and its inclusion in the sentence only adds one more thing cluttering things up.

The frizzy-haired form of my mother is residing in my left periphery, and without turning my head I can easily see the clench of her jaw making tendons stand out in her face and neck.

Again, cut down on the extraneous word usage. I would rewrite this paragraph like so (this is obviously my own style, just one of many ways you can better write that sentence):

My mother's frizzy-hair is easily visible in my peripherals, her jaw clenched and the tendons in her neck bulging through taut skin.

I am in here no longer. The subcutaneous belief that I am, in essence, different from everyone else fades in the lurid light of bureaucracy radiating from the faceless figure across from me.

This is not the correct use of "subcutaneous." I see what you're trying to do, but it's out of place in this sentence.

Essentially, I understood what was going on in your piece--a parent-teacher meeting regarding the character's misbehavior and expulsion/suspension. But it's one big mess of big words and overly long sentences that muddy up what you're trying to say. It's as if you threw your paper into a blender with a thesaurus, ran it on high for a minute, and this is what came out.

Remember that the purpose of words is to convey something, some kind of meaning. That doesn't mean "dumbing down" or even using "simple" language. But it does mean that each sentence needs to have a real, decipherable meaning, that words aren't used unnecessarily, and that words aren't used incorrectly. Go back through your piece and pare all the unnecessary stuff and fancy words that muddle the story you're actually trying to tell.

 

[saigatachi]

lol. This is why you guys are moderators. You are quite good at what you do. I agree with what you've written--everything you've written actually.
Good imagery made great.
Practice, practice, practice: the only way to get better.

 

[GoldShadow]

Aye. And don't get me wrong, I do agree with some of what you said about the education system, saigatachi. I've had my share of bad teachers, and I hate the 1:3:1 essay format with a passion. Just that in this case, I believe the teacher is right. Kanelol has a great vocabulary, maybe better than mine (unless he was using a thesaurus the whole way through!), and while I do love my thesaurus and all sorts of five-dollar words, they need to be applied consciously and sparingly, like a sun tan; you want just enough for the tan to accentuate your looks, but not so much that it's the only thing people notice ("Jesus Christ, is that guy orange?").

 

[DerpDaBerp]

I got the impression it was supposed to seem almost too wordy. I was convinced the words were coming from a character before a writer.
Like, as soon as I read the mention of the anterior sides of the forearms and the windsor knots (the beginning, lol), I thought, "yeesh, that's a little much." I thought it was going to try to be something it couldn't sustain. But it did. The size and rarity of the words used and the mention of little details were consistent throughout, so once I got further in, they didn't seem forced anymore. I think that was the key: once I got to understand the speaker, the language ceased to be questionable.
It was the style that did it for me. It was its own and it was fun. And I dig that

 

[Kanelol]

I appreciate the criticism, Gold. There were no thesauri involved, but I will admit to a little bit of tryhard-ness during the writing process, just because, I mean, obviously, duh. Part of it was the piece being written from the POV of a character that is contemptuous w/r/t the actual events of the story, and the other part was me being a tryhard.

I pretty much knew the effete usage was over the top, but I had hoped that some sort of intangible poetic value would inspire people ignore the blatant wordiness, or at least attribute it to something. Again, thanks for the criticism.