Well, ladies and gents, scores and comments are here. I'd like to thank Tiger Queen
for taking time out of her schedule to score and comment with me: she is an awfully busy Queen, what with the tigers and all. I was also very interested in her scores because I didn't give her any names or hints at my biased skill of who is competing. That said, onto the results!
Winners!
1st - Junglefever - "Through the veil, I head home"
2nd - S.O.L.I.D. - "Heads fell to the mud. Rebellion."
3rd - Vyse - "Labeled an outcast. Not my worst."
Honarable Mention - EE - "Killin's hard." "Killing your father?" "...Harder."
I decided because this is a Nano to include scores (contrary to the Scurvy method) so there isn't any mistranslation in the comments.
high five - "Her pain. His joy. Their son."
Tiger Queen - 6 - It conveys a narrative and a strong conflict, although the idea is nothing out of the ordinary.
Virg - 6 - It could be either the father’s favoritism or the mother’s personal faults about the boy. It’s solid in a message, but outside of that doesn’t do too much.
Vyse - "Labeled an outcast. Not my worst."
Tiger Queen - 8 - This encourages the reader's imagination.
Virg - 7 - Has the happy go lucky optimism to an either just or unjust pariah. I like it.
TigerWoods - "Plagued with time, we die, laughing."
Tiger Queen - 5 - "Plagued with time" is nice, but "we die laughing" is cliche.
Virg - 3 - It feels like an over saturated dramatic sentence that doesn’t really amount to anything, and on a second read through I haven’t changed my mind.
Kyas - "The line went flat. I wept."
Tiger Queen - 4 - Just doesn't do anything for me.
Virg - 5 - Open ended story about a loved person dying in a hospital, but that opened ending doesn’t let me grab on or empathize with anything concrete.
W.A.S.T.E. - "God, now THAT"S an *ss. "Amen.""
Tiger Queen - 1 - This is a statement, not a story.
Virg - 3 - Too open ended to let my mind settle on anything and eventfully ponder it.
Mewter - "Eternally, a cherished landscape forgotten."
Tiger Queen - 4 - This is nice, but way too general.
Virg - 4 - The wording is a little unnecessarily dramatic. It’s a nice thought, but doesn’t quite come together the way you wanted it to.
Crimson King - "Prognosis negative; she has six weeks."
Tiger Queen - 4 - You don't really need the "she has six weeks" here because that's already assumed by the reader, I think. I wish you had put those 4 words to better use.
Virg - 3 - Basically “Your ____ is going to die”: what have you given me to make me care or want to care? Make the death or the circumstances behind it intriguing.
Steven Jackson Action Jackson - "Pokémon, he has caught them all!"
Tiger Queen - 1 - Obviously, you did not bother to read what the contest was about.
Virg - 1 - Joke entries get joke scores.
Writer - "Nature fails, tree dies. Perfected humanity?"
Tiger Queen - 4 -
Virg - 2 - I’ve read this several times and still don’t know if I get it. You spend more time dancing around what you are trying to say than making sure the story gets across.
EE - "Killin's hard." "Killing your father?" "...Harder."
Tiger Queen - 6 - This wouldn't work so well without the quotations, but with them it makes for an interesting interaction between characters. I'm going to let you get away with "killin's" as a single word.
Virg - 7 - I like the story: the general callousness of a murderer or assassin on his philosophy of killing. But I think the words are a bit clunky and repetitive and bog it down.
He Who Must Not Be Named - "I loved her; so did she."
Tiger Queen - 6 - This is all right, but the lesbian love triangle thing that's being suggested isn't anything new.
Virg - 5 - Generic love drama with a spice of lesbians. Doesn’t do much for me.
Junglefever - "Through the veil, I head home"
Tiger Queen - 9 - I like this. It conveys a strong image of a character, and to me, a Muslim woman heading home with a bit of resignation. Well done.
Virg - 8 - I really like this: a morose and sorrowful woman heading back to her haven after some tragedy. It really conveys a whole picture that has a definite tone to it.
Aqua. - "My love, she just wouldn't die."
Tiger Queen - 2 - Not really a story, but a creep one at that.
Virg - 5 - I see a complete psychopath chasing down some poor tormented woman that never loved him and even seeing her death as a fond, if difficult, memory. Decent, but a bit over dramatic.
2001 - "I should have changed my underwear..."
Tiger Queen - 2 - Not really a story. An unfortunate incident, but not a story.
Virg - 2 - That’s not exactly a story. It could be the beginning of a story, but with so many paths it could go down how are any two people supposed to see eye to eye on it?
wool - "Two Ferraris, colossal mansion, no lover."
Tiger Queen - 5 - The "colossal mansion" is a bit redundant, as "two Ferraris" implies that there is a lot of wealth. The "no lover" puts it all into place, but the idea of having money and not any love is a bit cliche.
Virg - 5 - Wealth, but no real wealth. Good, but you need the sentence needs some cleaning up (it’s clunky and a bit redundant; you could have done more with it).
Spire III - "Meat sold Tuesday two days old."
Tiger Queen - 3 - I give you points for avoiding cliches, but it doesn't tell a story. It's a bit boring.
Virg - 4 - I like the sentence, but don’t know what it means (which may be my fault as a reader but also your fault as the writer, and that is typically thrown on the later).
S.O.L.I.D. - "Heads fell to the mud. Rebellion."
Tiger Queen - 8 - This creates a clear image, with "rebellion" at the end putting the first phrase into context. Nice.
Virg - 8 - I love the imagery of it the heads in the mud: the uprising is taking place in a dirty, un kept place where people have been mistreated long enough. The single “rebellion” at the end just serves as the epiphanic moment of the masses. Very good.
LuigiToilet - "Let him inside. It felt wrong."
Tiger Queen - 4 - The "let him inside" is fine, but "it felt wrong" detracts. A phrase that alluded or suggested "it felt wrong" would have been a stronger conclusion.
Virg - 3 - I’m not quite sure on what you are trying to get me to feel. It’s a bit too generic to really hook me or steer me in a direction.
Clownbot - "I meet doom on the bridge."
Tiger Queen - 4 - Oh, wait. I thought it said "met doom on the bridge" at first. "Meet" in the present tense is a bit awkward.
Virg - 6 - A person accepting their fate on the bridge. I would say it’s a bit vague, but not many people would meet on a bridge, so it gives me this bucolic feeling of neighbors or old countrymen.
Neo Exdeath - "Bullets fly. Screams. War has started."
Tiger Queen - 4 - A bit generic. Nothing's really left to the reader's imagination.
Virg - 2 - Overly dramatic but with no reward: the war started. Why should I care? What is special about it?
Dodongo - "Their eyes couldn't meet. He knew..."
Tiger Queen - 4 - I consider using the contraction cheating a little, but even then, it's trying to illicit intrigue, but falls short. I think this is because the idea presented is a little generic. It needs a twist that "he knew" just doesn't provide.
Virg - 5 - To me it immediately suggests a man knowing that a woman cheated, but on second reading I realized I just assumed it’s a woman. It’s still very bland: why are they meeting? Obviously the thing he knew is big, but you keep it just vague enough it doesn’t get my attention.
Asaph - "You never listened. Midnight is here."
Tiger Queen - 4 - The two phrases don't connect or inform the other. I like "Midnight is here," another phrase that would flesh out and build on that phrase would do more to create a narrative.
Virg - 2 - If these were separate quotes from different people, I could understand the context of them. But from what I can tell they are not and don’t make much sense otherwise.
SkylerOcon - "While drunk, the idea was good"
Tiger Queen - 3 - This is simply okay. Doesn't really inform the reader of much, though. I read it and think, "Okay, so what?"
Virg - 3 - A little too vague for my liking. There’s nothing that connects a beginning to an end and make me say “All right, it’s a story”.
bluezaft - "Rubadubdub Two left in the tub."
Tiger Queen - 3 - Cliche. Doesn't really convey to the reader any interesting information.
Virg - 1 - I don’t get it at all. I don’t see any real story in there.
Jam Stunna - "Alcohol made things so much easier."
Tiger Queen - 2 - A statement, not a story.
Virg - 3 - Like one of the other stories (“While drunk, the idea was good”) it doesn’t convey an actual story, even if a solid idea or action is present.
Swagger - "Oscar nomination..."Two girls one cup""
Tiger Queen - 1 - Don't waste my ****ing time.
Virg - 1 - Why did I let this entry in? My bad, guys.
Gf2tw - "I had laughed, I had lost."
Tiger Queen - 3 - A play on "loved and lost?" This doesn't have a narrative element to it.
Virg - 2 - Like a lot of other entries, it is way to general to have any specific appeal to me, whether it be an ideal, philosophy, etc.
Matunas - "Help needed: Paraplegic. Veteran. Can't pay."
Tiger Queen - 5 - A contraction ("can't") is kind of cheating, but that aside, it reads more as an ad.
Virg - 5 - Resembles to form of the Hemingway story I linked to (which isn’t actually a problem). It paints a picture of a Lieutenant Dan type person trying to make due, but doesn’t quite have a punch to it. We see the tragic figure looking for work: that’s the beginning of a story, but is still too distant to have any sense of closure or completeness.
So again, congrats to the winners and all that entered: I had a good (if arduous) time grading them and Tiger Queen told me she did as well. So until next time, remember to WRITE WITH YOUR POWER!
for taking time out of her schedule to score and comment with me: she is an awfully busy Queen, what with the tigers and all. I was also very interested in her scores because I didn't give her any names or hints at my biased skill of who is competing. That said, onto the results!
Winners!
1st - Junglefever - "Through the veil, I head home"
2nd - S.O.L.I.D. - "Heads fell to the mud. Rebellion."
3rd - Vyse - "Labeled an outcast. Not my worst."
Honarable Mention - EE - "Killin's hard." "Killing your father?" "...Harder."
I decided because this is a Nano to include scores (contrary to the Scurvy method) so there isn't any mistranslation in the comments.
high five - "Her pain. His joy. Their son."
Tiger Queen - 6 - It conveys a narrative and a strong conflict, although the idea is nothing out of the ordinary.
Virg - 6 - It could be either the father’s favoritism or the mother’s personal faults about the boy. It’s solid in a message, but outside of that doesn’t do too much.
Vyse - "Labeled an outcast. Not my worst."
Tiger Queen - 8 - This encourages the reader's imagination.
Virg - 7 - Has the happy go lucky optimism to an either just or unjust pariah. I like it.
TigerWoods - "Plagued with time, we die, laughing."
Tiger Queen - 5 - "Plagued with time" is nice, but "we die laughing" is cliche.
Virg - 3 - It feels like an over saturated dramatic sentence that doesn’t really amount to anything, and on a second read through I haven’t changed my mind.
Kyas - "The line went flat. I wept."
Tiger Queen - 4 - Just doesn't do anything for me.
Virg - 5 - Open ended story about a loved person dying in a hospital, but that opened ending doesn’t let me grab on or empathize with anything concrete.
W.A.S.T.E. - "God, now THAT"S an *ss. "Amen.""
Tiger Queen - 1 - This is a statement, not a story.
Virg - 3 - Too open ended to let my mind settle on anything and eventfully ponder it.
Mewter - "Eternally, a cherished landscape forgotten."
Tiger Queen - 4 - This is nice, but way too general.
Virg - 4 - The wording is a little unnecessarily dramatic. It’s a nice thought, but doesn’t quite come together the way you wanted it to.
Crimson King - "Prognosis negative; she has six weeks."
Tiger Queen - 4 - You don't really need the "she has six weeks" here because that's already assumed by the reader, I think. I wish you had put those 4 words to better use.
Virg - 3 - Basically “Your ____ is going to die”: what have you given me to make me care or want to care? Make the death or the circumstances behind it intriguing.
Steven Jackson Action Jackson - "Pokémon, he has caught them all!"
Tiger Queen - 1 - Obviously, you did not bother to read what the contest was about.
Virg - 1 - Joke entries get joke scores.
Writer - "Nature fails, tree dies. Perfected humanity?"
Tiger Queen - 4 -
Virg - 2 - I’ve read this several times and still don’t know if I get it. You spend more time dancing around what you are trying to say than making sure the story gets across.
EE - "Killin's hard." "Killing your father?" "...Harder."
Tiger Queen - 6 - This wouldn't work so well without the quotations, but with them it makes for an interesting interaction between characters. I'm going to let you get away with "killin's" as a single word.
Virg - 7 - I like the story: the general callousness of a murderer or assassin on his philosophy of killing. But I think the words are a bit clunky and repetitive and bog it down.
He Who Must Not Be Named - "I loved her; so did she."
Tiger Queen - 6 - This is all right, but the lesbian love triangle thing that's being suggested isn't anything new.
Virg - 5 - Generic love drama with a spice of lesbians. Doesn’t do much for me.
Junglefever - "Through the veil, I head home"
Tiger Queen - 9 - I like this. It conveys a strong image of a character, and to me, a Muslim woman heading home with a bit of resignation. Well done.
Virg - 8 - I really like this: a morose and sorrowful woman heading back to her haven after some tragedy. It really conveys a whole picture that has a definite tone to it.
Aqua. - "My love, she just wouldn't die."
Tiger Queen - 2 - Not really a story, but a creep one at that.
Virg - 5 - I see a complete psychopath chasing down some poor tormented woman that never loved him and even seeing her death as a fond, if difficult, memory. Decent, but a bit over dramatic.
2001 - "I should have changed my underwear..."
Tiger Queen - 2 - Not really a story. An unfortunate incident, but not a story.
Virg - 2 - That’s not exactly a story. It could be the beginning of a story, but with so many paths it could go down how are any two people supposed to see eye to eye on it?
wool - "Two Ferraris, colossal mansion, no lover."
Tiger Queen - 5 - The "colossal mansion" is a bit redundant, as "two Ferraris" implies that there is a lot of wealth. The "no lover" puts it all into place, but the idea of having money and not any love is a bit cliche.
Virg - 5 - Wealth, but no real wealth. Good, but you need the sentence needs some cleaning up (it’s clunky and a bit redundant; you could have done more with it).
Spire III - "Meat sold Tuesday two days old."
Tiger Queen - 3 - I give you points for avoiding cliches, but it doesn't tell a story. It's a bit boring.
Virg - 4 - I like the sentence, but don’t know what it means (which may be my fault as a reader but also your fault as the writer, and that is typically thrown on the later).
S.O.L.I.D. - "Heads fell to the mud. Rebellion."
Tiger Queen - 8 - This creates a clear image, with "rebellion" at the end putting the first phrase into context. Nice.
Virg - 8 - I love the imagery of it the heads in the mud: the uprising is taking place in a dirty, un kept place where people have been mistreated long enough. The single “rebellion” at the end just serves as the epiphanic moment of the masses. Very good.
LuigiToilet - "Let him inside. It felt wrong."
Tiger Queen - 4 - The "let him inside" is fine, but "it felt wrong" detracts. A phrase that alluded or suggested "it felt wrong" would have been a stronger conclusion.
Virg - 3 - I’m not quite sure on what you are trying to get me to feel. It’s a bit too generic to really hook me or steer me in a direction.
Clownbot - "I meet doom on the bridge."
Tiger Queen - 4 - Oh, wait. I thought it said "met doom on the bridge" at first. "Meet" in the present tense is a bit awkward.
Virg - 6 - A person accepting their fate on the bridge. I would say it’s a bit vague, but not many people would meet on a bridge, so it gives me this bucolic feeling of neighbors or old countrymen.
Neo Exdeath - "Bullets fly. Screams. War has started."
Tiger Queen - 4 - A bit generic. Nothing's really left to the reader's imagination.
Virg - 2 - Overly dramatic but with no reward: the war started. Why should I care? What is special about it?
Dodongo - "Their eyes couldn't meet. He knew..."
Tiger Queen - 4 - I consider using the contraction cheating a little, but even then, it's trying to illicit intrigue, but falls short. I think this is because the idea presented is a little generic. It needs a twist that "he knew" just doesn't provide.
Virg - 5 - To me it immediately suggests a man knowing that a woman cheated, but on second reading I realized I just assumed it’s a woman. It’s still very bland: why are they meeting? Obviously the thing he knew is big, but you keep it just vague enough it doesn’t get my attention.
Asaph - "You never listened. Midnight is here."
Tiger Queen - 4 - The two phrases don't connect or inform the other. I like "Midnight is here," another phrase that would flesh out and build on that phrase would do more to create a narrative.
Virg - 2 - If these were separate quotes from different people, I could understand the context of them. But from what I can tell they are not and don’t make much sense otherwise.
SkylerOcon - "While drunk, the idea was good"
Tiger Queen - 3 - This is simply okay. Doesn't really inform the reader of much, though. I read it and think, "Okay, so what?"
Virg - 3 - A little too vague for my liking. There’s nothing that connects a beginning to an end and make me say “All right, it’s a story”.
bluezaft - "Rubadubdub Two left in the tub."
Tiger Queen - 3 - Cliche. Doesn't really convey to the reader any interesting information.
Virg - 1 - I don’t get it at all. I don’t see any real story in there.
Jam Stunna - "Alcohol made things so much easier."
Tiger Queen - 2 - A statement, not a story.
Virg - 3 - Like one of the other stories (“While drunk, the idea was good”) it doesn’t convey an actual story, even if a solid idea or action is present.
Swagger - "Oscar nomination..."Two girls one cup""
Tiger Queen - 1 - Don't waste my ****ing time.
Virg - 1 - Why did I let this entry in? My bad, guys.
Gf2tw - "I had laughed, I had lost."
Tiger Queen - 3 - A play on "loved and lost?" This doesn't have a narrative element to it.
Virg - 2 - Like a lot of other entries, it is way to general to have any specific appeal to me, whether it be an ideal, philosophy, etc.
Matunas - "Help needed: Paraplegic. Veteran. Can't pay."
Tiger Queen - 5 - A contraction ("can't") is kind of cheating, but that aside, it reads more as an ad.
Virg - 5 - Resembles to form of the Hemingway story I linked to (which isn’t actually a problem). It paints a picture of a Lieutenant Dan type person trying to make due, but doesn’t quite have a punch to it. We see the tragic figure looking for work: that’s the beginning of a story, but is still too distant to have any sense of closure or completeness.
So again, congrats to the winners and all that entered: I had a good (if arduous) time grading them and Tiger Queen told me she did as well. So until next time, remember to WRITE WITH YOUR POWER!
