Warning: Personal and emotional post incoming. Be as brutal honest as you can be.
A quick background of who is speaking. My name is Nathan and I'm 23yrs old. I'm from Arizona and been playing Project M since August 2014. Before I found the competitive scene I suffered from an extreme depression(think worse-case scenario) and damaged myself as a person and growing young man. This is important because at this I often sight this feeling as the main reason I hold myself back from life goals. I've seek both personal and profession help on the matter and well, it must have worked since I'm still here. Haha. It was a enduring and painful road but I've made several improvements in my young adult life. Things are better and I'm grateful about that.
So how does this tie in to me playing Smash Bros? Well, when I first started I showed talent to many players in the scene including the PR members at the time. They would say I had potential to be great and was pushing my Sonic to be faster and harder. Looking back, this was a huge rush for me. I found this scene, a group of people who loved to play this game and they all liked me right away. This is awesome! From when I entered, to the end of 2014 I was generally happy. Something that came easy to other 's but I've struggled to maintain. But the cracks begin to show again. My pain was determined to hurt me one good one before year's end. AZ held an Arcadian in late November. This was my chance to show my worth. I was slowing keeping a top 8 placing in local weeklies up to this point. On the Facebook page, people were already betting money for me taking 1st place. Everyone kept telling me I was going to win. I wasn't naive. I knew this state had great players. I traveled around and played most of them. I didn't care. I wanted to win no matter what! I didn't even make top 16. I lost first round and a player who I would dominate took me out bracket. I was crushed. Close to crying. Maybe you've had that feeling before. I was just on auto-pilot the remainder of the night. Maybe it was because I was being built up to win so much that the thought of bustering-out wasn't a factor. Maybe my life problems were holding me back. I can't say for sure other then that lost stuck with me for a good while.
When 2015 arrived I wanted a change. And with the release of PM 3.5 I got it. We all know the nerfs that came with the game and that impacted the community hugely. Myself included. I was losing more at first, even tried to switch mains, but I adapted. Tough loses came and gone. But I had a fire that was willing to burn all. By early 2015 I've met and knew most in my PM scene. I even got to meet some legends like Axe and Westballz. Even though I was stumbling, the scene was still making me happy. Then I went to my first out-of-state tourney in Vegas and placed 5th. I was ecstatic not only because I could say I help AZ take 1st place in all four events but I also beat a great player(a better player than I) in a Sonic ditto. Showing that I was looking to be a top player in AZ. I came back home the next day and defeated PR members. The endorphins kept flooding in. Another AZ major arrived and I was ready. Taking place in the same location so this was my chance to undo my mistakes last year. I could do this! I lost first round again and with that defeat, I lost the will to play. Didn't make top 16 again. Maybe that's why they say addicts should stay away from old geography. Because I made the same mistakes as before. I not sure how to over come that. From there on, it was just a personal battle to play well. I continued to take questionable loses and doubted my ranking among my fellow Smashers. My placing became inconsistent and soon did my mind set. I believe this was the real first hit that made me not care about winning. AZ then held another major. One you guys might remember. Sandstorm. I did well in pools and bested another great out-of-state Sonic player in a ditto. He challenged me! Crazy right? There was even some AZ and foreign players who recognized me! I was happy again. I was reminded why I enjoy this being in scene and meeting people again. When day two started, I was pitted against an AZ PR member. One that everyone expected me to beat. I didn't. I could see the disappointment in my friends. And just like the fruitless hopes and failed promises, it weighted down on me. After that, my drive was slowly fading. I would see my mistakes or incorrect inputs during my games and choose to focus on that. Which didn't help my case. I became an emotion or momentum based player. If I didn't win game 1 then there was a good chance I'd lose the set. But I continued to push. I traveled again. This time to Coronado for another major and even though I didn't place well, I had a blast meeting and cheering on the CO scene. This would probably be one of the few tourneys in recent memory that I can say I had fun.
For a long time it was just weeklies. As I was racking up more wins and taking sets off more PR members. I was getting known for beating half of AZ's PR. But with the mind, the body follows. The inconsistency and self-doubting being shown in my play style became a staple in my character. I had an almost wake up call when watching CEO 2015. The set between Plup and Mango was something unlike I've seen before. Not because of the match-up or the game. But what the commentators were saying about Plup and the mind-set he had during his match. He should have won. We all know it was a real outcome for him. But he didn't. The focus was on "not losing" versus "going to win." I won't go deep into that analysis but I never felt more like I could relate to another player than Plup at that point. And for the next few weeks, I placed 3rd consistently at the AZ locals. Beating more good players in my scene and bringing myself to new heights. I was starting to enjoy the game again. A new feeling erupted. Finally! I thought I have overcame this wall, this block, this depression that's affected my play-style and "Smash career!" But old habits die hard and soon my winning streak passed and I returned to my old ways. I started to not care about winning or even playing. I would switch characters or choose small stages in hopes to end the set faster. At this point, I didn't know why I was doing this. I knew I wanted to be great and when I come to tournaments I had the idea to take 1st place. But when I sat down to play, something else would take over. This negative feeling and pressure would force me to be slower and careless. A minute into game 1, I wanted to quit. Unplug the controller and just leave. I still don't know why I feel this way. I would only try in loser's bracket and I don't understand it. Sometimes I would lose round 1 but still take 3rd place. Other times I would SD four times in a set, not L-cancel, or just plain throw the game away. I watch my old videos and see the look of disappointment on my face. Someone willing to beat themselves up and purposely lose. I don't like seeing that. I'm accustomed to seeing it and I can feel it even now when I shift to that mind-set when I play. Maybe when it comes I'll just focus on it and let it happen. I need to beat this. I want to beat this.
Now we are at a more recent time. I reunited with some old out-of-state friends at EVO 2015 PM side event. Enjoyed the experience. The lackluster efforts at the locals forced me to take a two month break from the game. And though people in the scene considered my sets to be upsets when I would lose to decent players, I didn't care for it. I have the luxury of not caring about my image but that in itself is a double-edge sword. I was too much focusing on my mentality and the priorities I was setting for myself. I want to get better. At this point, I think I've said all that I can. Or at least, all that I wanted. One of the reasons I'm typing this post is because I became PR just a couple weeks ago. Due to my performance from 3.5-3.6 and my wins over previous PR members I have been placed #10 on the list. I was recognized again at another AZ major(Rewired) yet again by top level PM players like iPunchkidz and Filthy Casual. Things were looking up for a brief moment. The thought of always thinking I'm playing poorly might be breaking and a new feeling could be taking over. But yesterday it happened again. I sat down and lost the fire to win. I made mistakes and blamed myself for being a stuck in this mind-set again. I thought being PR would help me. I thought it would be the next wake-up call to player harder and try try again. But nothing has changed. I don't feel any different and that's what lead me to here. I fell asleep thinking about this and woke up to needing to put this train of thought or whatever somewhere. Just to let it out. Because I need to made a decision soon. If I'm not going to put 100% into this community, winning or losing, then I can't be apart of it anymore. I don't see the point of being in something and not showing effort for it. It'll be tough leaving and if I do, I probably won't leave till early next year. I'm just not having fun playing. I'm not happy watching me play. I don't enjoy this game anymore. But I know that can be fixed. I don't want to give up till I've tried everything. I'm going to a local tonight and depending on how I feel is the trigger whether or not I'll put some serious thought on my future with my scene. I have no expectations for what gets posted in the comments below. I'm posting this yet I'm not asking directly for help. I'm sure I'm not the first person who has felt this way or was looking for a way to improve themselves. I'm sure you guys can link me other post or guides that might help. But I woke up almost needing this. I wanted to write this and now I've completed that goal. If you all comment then I'll do my best to reply. Right now I'm just going to go on with my day. I do feel a little better now that this post is coming to an end. Thank you for reading if you made it this far.
And just to put your mind at ease if you had lingering thoughts, outside of smash my life has been great. Made a ton of better choices and things are back on track. I just want to focus on smash right now. Thank you agian.
-N810
A quick background of who is speaking. My name is Nathan and I'm 23yrs old. I'm from Arizona and been playing Project M since August 2014. Before I found the competitive scene I suffered from an extreme depression(think worse-case scenario) and damaged myself as a person and growing young man. This is important because at this I often sight this feeling as the main reason I hold myself back from life goals. I've seek both personal and profession help on the matter and well, it must have worked since I'm still here. Haha. It was a enduring and painful road but I've made several improvements in my young adult life. Things are better and I'm grateful about that.
So how does this tie in to me playing Smash Bros? Well, when I first started I showed talent to many players in the scene including the PR members at the time. They would say I had potential to be great and was pushing my Sonic to be faster and harder. Looking back, this was a huge rush for me. I found this scene, a group of people who loved to play this game and they all liked me right away. This is awesome! From when I entered, to the end of 2014 I was generally happy. Something that came easy to other 's but I've struggled to maintain. But the cracks begin to show again. My pain was determined to hurt me one good one before year's end. AZ held an Arcadian in late November. This was my chance to show my worth. I was slowing keeping a top 8 placing in local weeklies up to this point. On the Facebook page, people were already betting money for me taking 1st place. Everyone kept telling me I was going to win. I wasn't naive. I knew this state had great players. I traveled around and played most of them. I didn't care. I wanted to win no matter what! I didn't even make top 16. I lost first round and a player who I would dominate took me out bracket. I was crushed. Close to crying. Maybe you've had that feeling before. I was just on auto-pilot the remainder of the night. Maybe it was because I was being built up to win so much that the thought of bustering-out wasn't a factor. Maybe my life problems were holding me back. I can't say for sure other then that lost stuck with me for a good while.
When 2015 arrived I wanted a change. And with the release of PM 3.5 I got it. We all know the nerfs that came with the game and that impacted the community hugely. Myself included. I was losing more at first, even tried to switch mains, but I adapted. Tough loses came and gone. But I had a fire that was willing to burn all. By early 2015 I've met and knew most in my PM scene. I even got to meet some legends like Axe and Westballz. Even though I was stumbling, the scene was still making me happy. Then I went to my first out-of-state tourney in Vegas and placed 5th. I was ecstatic not only because I could say I help AZ take 1st place in all four events but I also beat a great player(a better player than I) in a Sonic ditto. Showing that I was looking to be a top player in AZ. I came back home the next day and defeated PR members. The endorphins kept flooding in. Another AZ major arrived and I was ready. Taking place in the same location so this was my chance to undo my mistakes last year. I could do this! I lost first round again and with that defeat, I lost the will to play. Didn't make top 16 again. Maybe that's why they say addicts should stay away from old geography. Because I made the same mistakes as before. I not sure how to over come that. From there on, it was just a personal battle to play well. I continued to take questionable loses and doubted my ranking among my fellow Smashers. My placing became inconsistent and soon did my mind set. I believe this was the real first hit that made me not care about winning. AZ then held another major. One you guys might remember. Sandstorm. I did well in pools and bested another great out-of-state Sonic player in a ditto. He challenged me! Crazy right? There was even some AZ and foreign players who recognized me! I was happy again. I was reminded why I enjoy this being in scene and meeting people again. When day two started, I was pitted against an AZ PR member. One that everyone expected me to beat. I didn't. I could see the disappointment in my friends. And just like the fruitless hopes and failed promises, it weighted down on me. After that, my drive was slowly fading. I would see my mistakes or incorrect inputs during my games and choose to focus on that. Which didn't help my case. I became an emotion or momentum based player. If I didn't win game 1 then there was a good chance I'd lose the set. But I continued to push. I traveled again. This time to Coronado for another major and even though I didn't place well, I had a blast meeting and cheering on the CO scene. This would probably be one of the few tourneys in recent memory that I can say I had fun.
For a long time it was just weeklies. As I was racking up more wins and taking sets off more PR members. I was getting known for beating half of AZ's PR. But with the mind, the body follows. The inconsistency and self-doubting being shown in my play style became a staple in my character. I had an almost wake up call when watching CEO 2015. The set between Plup and Mango was something unlike I've seen before. Not because of the match-up or the game. But what the commentators were saying about Plup and the mind-set he had during his match. He should have won. We all know it was a real outcome for him. But he didn't. The focus was on "not losing" versus "going to win." I won't go deep into that analysis but I never felt more like I could relate to another player than Plup at that point. And for the next few weeks, I placed 3rd consistently at the AZ locals. Beating more good players in my scene and bringing myself to new heights. I was starting to enjoy the game again. A new feeling erupted. Finally! I thought I have overcame this wall, this block, this depression that's affected my play-style and "Smash career!" But old habits die hard and soon my winning streak passed and I returned to my old ways. I started to not care about winning or even playing. I would switch characters or choose small stages in hopes to end the set faster. At this point, I didn't know why I was doing this. I knew I wanted to be great and when I come to tournaments I had the idea to take 1st place. But when I sat down to play, something else would take over. This negative feeling and pressure would force me to be slower and careless. A minute into game 1, I wanted to quit. Unplug the controller and just leave. I still don't know why I feel this way. I would only try in loser's bracket and I don't understand it. Sometimes I would lose round 1 but still take 3rd place. Other times I would SD four times in a set, not L-cancel, or just plain throw the game away. I watch my old videos and see the look of disappointment on my face. Someone willing to beat themselves up and purposely lose. I don't like seeing that. I'm accustomed to seeing it and I can feel it even now when I shift to that mind-set when I play. Maybe when it comes I'll just focus on it and let it happen. I need to beat this. I want to beat this.
Now we are at a more recent time. I reunited with some old out-of-state friends at EVO 2015 PM side event. Enjoyed the experience. The lackluster efforts at the locals forced me to take a two month break from the game. And though people in the scene considered my sets to be upsets when I would lose to decent players, I didn't care for it. I have the luxury of not caring about my image but that in itself is a double-edge sword. I was too much focusing on my mentality and the priorities I was setting for myself. I want to get better. At this point, I think I've said all that I can. Or at least, all that I wanted. One of the reasons I'm typing this post is because I became PR just a couple weeks ago. Due to my performance from 3.5-3.6 and my wins over previous PR members I have been placed #10 on the list. I was recognized again at another AZ major(Rewired) yet again by top level PM players like iPunchkidz and Filthy Casual. Things were looking up for a brief moment. The thought of always thinking I'm playing poorly might be breaking and a new feeling could be taking over. But yesterday it happened again. I sat down and lost the fire to win. I made mistakes and blamed myself for being a stuck in this mind-set again. I thought being PR would help me. I thought it would be the next wake-up call to player harder and try try again. But nothing has changed. I don't feel any different and that's what lead me to here. I fell asleep thinking about this and woke up to needing to put this train of thought or whatever somewhere. Just to let it out. Because I need to made a decision soon. If I'm not going to put 100% into this community, winning or losing, then I can't be apart of it anymore. I don't see the point of being in something and not showing effort for it. It'll be tough leaving and if I do, I probably won't leave till early next year. I'm just not having fun playing. I'm not happy watching me play. I don't enjoy this game anymore. But I know that can be fixed. I don't want to give up till I've tried everything. I'm going to a local tonight and depending on how I feel is the trigger whether or not I'll put some serious thought on my future with my scene. I have no expectations for what gets posted in the comments below. I'm posting this yet I'm not asking directly for help. I'm sure I'm not the first person who has felt this way or was looking for a way to improve themselves. I'm sure you guys can link me other post or guides that might help. But I woke up almost needing this. I wanted to write this and now I've completed that goal. If you all comment then I'll do my best to reply. Right now I'm just going to go on with my day. I do feel a little better now that this post is coming to an end. Thank you for reading if you made it this far.
And just to put your mind at ease if you had lingering thoughts, outside of smash my life has been great. Made a ton of better choices and things are back on track. I just want to focus on smash right now. Thank you agian.
-N810
