Fatmanonice
Banned via Warnings
Link to original post: [drupal=3749]Moral Masochism and Why It's Important to Hurt[/drupal]
*This was written at the beginning of September when I was realizing I made one of the worst mistakes of my life and was trying desperately to make up for it. What I did could have stayed a secret for the rest of my life but I told the person I wronged what I did. It didn't feel good to do it but it was the right thing to do despite the fact that I doubt the person will ever forgive me.*
You did the right thing but why don’t you feel 100% good about it. You try to smile but you feel more like throwing up. You find yourself tossing and turning in the middle of the night debating whether or not you did the right thing despite knowing full well that you did. You hurt but it’s a good hurt. It’s a hurt that heals while it feels like it’s ripping your insides to shreds. It’s not guilt or grief because it comes with a subtle hint of happiness that’s just barely detectable under the pain. When it has finally passed, you have no qualms about feeling that way again even if it left days worth of half eaten plates, sleepless hours, and negative emotions that feel like a medicine ball on your chest. Why? Maybe the way that you feel can only be described as moral masochism.
I’m willing to accept punishment for my actions but that doesn’t mean that I fully enjoy it. I know that a lot of people are like this but we all too often live our lives to avoid any kind of punishment what-so-ever even if it helps create a better outcome for ourselves. A pinprick to the arm is far more tolerable than a harpoon through the chest but we teach ourselves to fear both equally. We don’t want to hurt, not even for a few seconds. We tend to over react to even the smallest pains like paper cuts and bumping your foot against the wall as you feel for the light switch in the middle of the night. Something this minor can lead to an over-the-top tirade or stomping around the house for the next five minutes like a disgruntled yeti but why? When someone irks us, even in the slightest, then it becomes a whole different ballgame. We suddenly want the cashier who messed up your order to die in a fire and a nuke to fall on your best friend’s house after a minor argument. We do all of these for the same reason: they’re all defense mechanisms to either avoid accepting the pain or blowing up the situation so much that it appears we are justified for acting so irrationally. A bump is given the same treatment as a concussion and a cut is given the same treatment as an amputation.
There are times where I wish I couldn’t hurt at all but then what would I become because of it? Would I be at all sensitive to the emotions and sensitivities of those around me? How would I feel about myself, if anything at all, if I callously knocked people to the ground as I walked down the street? They’d look into my eyes with a look of anger, fear, sadness, or a mixture of all of them, wanting to know why but they see no emotion in them. They might as well be looking into the glass eyes of a doll. I might smirk, possibly even laugh but I wouldn’t bother helping them up even if they did lift my spirits at their expense. Who is this or, rather, what is this? This is why I believe moral masochism is important.
Now let’s go through the situation again. I walk down the street and accidently bump into someone hard enough to knock them down. Suddenly, I feel guilt. It may not cause any physical pain but it gnaws at my conscience like a rat eating cheese. I have the options of simply running away or pretending I didn’t notice the person who I just pushed to the pavement. The chances of me of ever running into the other person again are practically zilch so I could easily get away with it. No pain, no confrontation. I’ve taken this option more times in my life than I care to admit. These usually end up as the stories you laugh about later while hanging out with friends because any feelings of pain or remorse were shed off moments after it happened.
But what if I help the person back up? Then come the feelings of regret. No one likes to feel regret. You tend to beat yourself up and, all in all, it hurts the most fragile part of us: our egos. The incident will probably be stored in my memory and every time I even brush up against someone I will be reminded of it. What if they broke something during their fall? Then the situation gets worse because no matter what you say or do nothing is going to heal them. Your carelessness has now inconvenienced someone for up to two months. What’s really scary is that some actions you do against people take years for them to fully get over. You can even do this after five minutes of careless gossip. You opened Pandora’s Box and no matter how much you try to remedy the situation it doesn’t take away from the fact that you opened the box in the first place. In short, you can still do the right thing and come out the other side battered and bruised, shallowly breathing as with your chipped fingernails you drag yourself across the floor.
As far back as I can remember, my sister has called me “a doormat.” She doesn’t understand how I can be so sickeningly nice at times and let people walk all over me without getting anything in return. She is right; I am a doormat and, truthfully, I don’t really get it either. I get myself in situations where I know that people are using me but I go through with them anyways. I’ll gladly inconvenience myself for even total strangers. For example, I work as a cashier for a college cafeteria and if someone doesn’t have enough, I’ll pay for it even if it means I have to go without dinner for that night. I’ll take the time to talk to people even if it makes me late for an appointment and I’ll put myself in situations where I know my actions of charity will probably be greeted with hostility. I want other people to be happy even if the situation blows up in my face in the end. If I feel tired, hurt, or annoyed instead of someone else, I felt like I’ve done what I’ve needed to do. I haven’t a clue why I’m wired this way. Reading this out loud to myself, it comes off as irrational if not borderline insane.
Am I a glutton for punishment? Do I enjoy the pain? Did a small side of me swell with pride when I realized thirty minutes later that I accidently dropped a 20 dollar bill with the three dollars I put in the Salvation Army can? Again, doing what’s right doesn’t always feel good and I can openly attest to that. They say that doing good is its own reward so why are there times when it feels like punishment instead? What about the times when doing good ends up hurting someone else? Is doing what’s wrong justified if you end up hurting someone less despite the small possibility of it hurting much worse even years down the road? Is it wrong to take that gambit? I agree with the ideals of utilitarianism but why does it feel like more often than not that there’s a catch? I end up hurt, someone ends up hurt, or we both end up hurt. Is this good? In my opinion, this is the best kind of good. It’s the kind of good that actually makes you feel good about doing good even if it ends up buried for years under regret and pain.
If doing what was right always felt good, I believe it would lose its sense of honor. Helping someone in need shouldn’t always make you feel bubbly. There should be times when you have to mumble “you’re welcome” under your breath because doing what’s right shouldn’t always be sunshine and rainbows. Although most people probably won’t agree with me, it’s perfectly okay to hurt. The strong and honorable are those who are able to hurt and still find a way to carry on, not those that handle life with kid gloves and can only deal with things if it makes them happy in the end. Learn to smile through your tears and appreciate what more you can accomplish through moral masochism.
Fatmanonice, September 8, 2010
“Cautious, careful people always casting about to preserve their reputation or social standards never can bring about reform. Those who are really in earnest are willing to be anything or nothing in the world's estimation, and publicly and privately, in season and out, avow their sympathies with despised ideas and their advocates, and bear the consequences.”-Susan B. Anthony
“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”- Martin Luther King Jr.
“Those who intend on becoming great should love neither themselves nor their own things, but only what is just, whether it happens to be done by themselves or others.”- Plato
*This was written at the beginning of September when I was realizing I made one of the worst mistakes of my life and was trying desperately to make up for it. What I did could have stayed a secret for the rest of my life but I told the person I wronged what I did. It didn't feel good to do it but it was the right thing to do despite the fact that I doubt the person will ever forgive me.*
You did the right thing but why don’t you feel 100% good about it. You try to smile but you feel more like throwing up. You find yourself tossing and turning in the middle of the night debating whether or not you did the right thing despite knowing full well that you did. You hurt but it’s a good hurt. It’s a hurt that heals while it feels like it’s ripping your insides to shreds. It’s not guilt or grief because it comes with a subtle hint of happiness that’s just barely detectable under the pain. When it has finally passed, you have no qualms about feeling that way again even if it left days worth of half eaten plates, sleepless hours, and negative emotions that feel like a medicine ball on your chest. Why? Maybe the way that you feel can only be described as moral masochism.
I’m willing to accept punishment for my actions but that doesn’t mean that I fully enjoy it. I know that a lot of people are like this but we all too often live our lives to avoid any kind of punishment what-so-ever even if it helps create a better outcome for ourselves. A pinprick to the arm is far more tolerable than a harpoon through the chest but we teach ourselves to fear both equally. We don’t want to hurt, not even for a few seconds. We tend to over react to even the smallest pains like paper cuts and bumping your foot against the wall as you feel for the light switch in the middle of the night. Something this minor can lead to an over-the-top tirade or stomping around the house for the next five minutes like a disgruntled yeti but why? When someone irks us, even in the slightest, then it becomes a whole different ballgame. We suddenly want the cashier who messed up your order to die in a fire and a nuke to fall on your best friend’s house after a minor argument. We do all of these for the same reason: they’re all defense mechanisms to either avoid accepting the pain or blowing up the situation so much that it appears we are justified for acting so irrationally. A bump is given the same treatment as a concussion and a cut is given the same treatment as an amputation.
There are times where I wish I couldn’t hurt at all but then what would I become because of it? Would I be at all sensitive to the emotions and sensitivities of those around me? How would I feel about myself, if anything at all, if I callously knocked people to the ground as I walked down the street? They’d look into my eyes with a look of anger, fear, sadness, or a mixture of all of them, wanting to know why but they see no emotion in them. They might as well be looking into the glass eyes of a doll. I might smirk, possibly even laugh but I wouldn’t bother helping them up even if they did lift my spirits at their expense. Who is this or, rather, what is this? This is why I believe moral masochism is important.
Now let’s go through the situation again. I walk down the street and accidently bump into someone hard enough to knock them down. Suddenly, I feel guilt. It may not cause any physical pain but it gnaws at my conscience like a rat eating cheese. I have the options of simply running away or pretending I didn’t notice the person who I just pushed to the pavement. The chances of me of ever running into the other person again are practically zilch so I could easily get away with it. No pain, no confrontation. I’ve taken this option more times in my life than I care to admit. These usually end up as the stories you laugh about later while hanging out with friends because any feelings of pain or remorse were shed off moments after it happened.
But what if I help the person back up? Then come the feelings of regret. No one likes to feel regret. You tend to beat yourself up and, all in all, it hurts the most fragile part of us: our egos. The incident will probably be stored in my memory and every time I even brush up against someone I will be reminded of it. What if they broke something during their fall? Then the situation gets worse because no matter what you say or do nothing is going to heal them. Your carelessness has now inconvenienced someone for up to two months. What’s really scary is that some actions you do against people take years for them to fully get over. You can even do this after five minutes of careless gossip. You opened Pandora’s Box and no matter how much you try to remedy the situation it doesn’t take away from the fact that you opened the box in the first place. In short, you can still do the right thing and come out the other side battered and bruised, shallowly breathing as with your chipped fingernails you drag yourself across the floor.
As far back as I can remember, my sister has called me “a doormat.” She doesn’t understand how I can be so sickeningly nice at times and let people walk all over me without getting anything in return. She is right; I am a doormat and, truthfully, I don’t really get it either. I get myself in situations where I know that people are using me but I go through with them anyways. I’ll gladly inconvenience myself for even total strangers. For example, I work as a cashier for a college cafeteria and if someone doesn’t have enough, I’ll pay for it even if it means I have to go without dinner for that night. I’ll take the time to talk to people even if it makes me late for an appointment and I’ll put myself in situations where I know my actions of charity will probably be greeted with hostility. I want other people to be happy even if the situation blows up in my face in the end. If I feel tired, hurt, or annoyed instead of someone else, I felt like I’ve done what I’ve needed to do. I haven’t a clue why I’m wired this way. Reading this out loud to myself, it comes off as irrational if not borderline insane.
Am I a glutton for punishment? Do I enjoy the pain? Did a small side of me swell with pride when I realized thirty minutes later that I accidently dropped a 20 dollar bill with the three dollars I put in the Salvation Army can? Again, doing what’s right doesn’t always feel good and I can openly attest to that. They say that doing good is its own reward so why are there times when it feels like punishment instead? What about the times when doing good ends up hurting someone else? Is doing what’s wrong justified if you end up hurting someone less despite the small possibility of it hurting much worse even years down the road? Is it wrong to take that gambit? I agree with the ideals of utilitarianism but why does it feel like more often than not that there’s a catch? I end up hurt, someone ends up hurt, or we both end up hurt. Is this good? In my opinion, this is the best kind of good. It’s the kind of good that actually makes you feel good about doing good even if it ends up buried for years under regret and pain.
If doing what was right always felt good, I believe it would lose its sense of honor. Helping someone in need shouldn’t always make you feel bubbly. There should be times when you have to mumble “you’re welcome” under your breath because doing what’s right shouldn’t always be sunshine and rainbows. Although most people probably won’t agree with me, it’s perfectly okay to hurt. The strong and honorable are those who are able to hurt and still find a way to carry on, not those that handle life with kid gloves and can only deal with things if it makes them happy in the end. Learn to smile through your tears and appreciate what more you can accomplish through moral masochism.
Fatmanonice, September 8, 2010
“Cautious, careful people always casting about to preserve their reputation or social standards never can bring about reform. Those who are really in earnest are willing to be anything or nothing in the world's estimation, and publicly and privately, in season and out, avow their sympathies with despised ideas and their advocates, and bear the consequences.”-Susan B. Anthony
“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”- Martin Luther King Jr.
“Those who intend on becoming great should love neither themselves nor their own things, but only what is just, whether it happens to be done by themselves or others.”- Plato