Super_Sonic8677
Smash Lord
Link to original post: [drupal=4311]Misery 2 Prelude: Girls! Girls! Girls![/drupal]
The flow of time is merciless. I look back and it's been one hell of a year and a half or so since the last blog I've written, in good and bad ways. I'd like to think I've grown up a little since then, but I guess I'll leave that to you to decide because every step forward..there's always 2 steps backwards.
But lets go back a bit for now.
I've been a member of smashboards since the release of smash bros brawl. Looking back on some old posts I can't believe how..silly I was. I was so insecure and goofy and awkward acting back then. My depression and pessimism only grew worse as I made a fool of myself on numerous occasions up until and even after I started hanging out in the NeW Tourney thread. (Which many of you may remember as KC/Heartz's Meet and Greet thread.)
I even wrote some mopey crap about quitting Sonic (Which I haven't lol) on the Sonic boards way back when and got laughed at like I should have, it was just..pathetic. lol I had this comxplex of self loathing and self defeat. My background is a big contributor to this which if you would like to know, alot of it is in my first blog.
My time in NeW Horizon among awesome friends many of whom I honestly really miss talking to, and a couple I've even managed to keep in contact with over the years; these guys helped toughen me up a little. Some were supporting and others made me stronger because they needed someone to be strong for them. ALOT went down that time we were all together. You know who you are.
I went on from there to participate and eventually run Honor's Wrath for a time keeping peace between my then current and former clan. James you'll probably never see this but I'm truely sorry about a few weeks back. I had no idea.
And after the excitement of clans wore off it kinda just ended on it's own. I had turned 18 earlier that year(we're now up to 2009 lol)and I had no time for brawl, I was in upstate NY living with some relatives working a full time job and had met someone I really connected with. And ended up being in love with. And by the time it was all said and done ended up losing. All that time of building confidence and trying make myself better.. all went to hell right after that.
Along with my prior sadness and depression before those events, it was rage and hate in general with bouts of severe depression once the day came to an end.
I was so angry at myself for letting the outcome be what it was. Angry at my family for not only being unsupportive but an inhibiting factor. Angry at my ex for cheating on me, and angry at myself also for not being capable of doing what I needed to for that relationship to work. Too young, too dumb, too inexperienced and overally not ready even though I thought I was at the time. And above all not Brave enough to voice my own thoughts. Not strong enough to stand by my choices. Failure..I had failed everyone even myself.
I started working at a gas station back in PA, in the town I had lived most of my life, somewhere I never had intentions of returning to.. a month after all of it went down.
Life was ever ending bouts of sameness. I've always hated getting up,especially if it was early, but being heartbroken just kinda drags you down further as anyone it's happened to knows already and 5:30 is very, very early.
It took hours for me to fall asleep if I ever did, I hated going to bed for this reason. The quiet and the darkness and being alone brought back all the bitter and sad feelings that I kept to myself for the most part.
DevilWillCry, James and even Naos lol and everyone else who was there for me during that hell, you guys were a big part of what held me together through it.
Months went by and as time went on, I got switched to 2nd shift at work which was so much better. I could sleep longer lol and I enjoyed the people on nights much more. Morning shift I was working with the bosses and that has always been nerveracking to do up until probably a few months ago this year lol when me and the manager found a common thread, Godsmack and Disturbed Lmao. I started making different friends IRL and the pain and lonelyness started to dissipate but at still the nights were the worst.
Now things start to get interesting er more so..still with me so far? <.<;
I spent my time I wasn't working at work working at the local gym. Mostly just to occupy myself because keeping busy alleviated some of the stress and depression. And when I was angry, well there's nothing much better than taking it out on the iron or a punching bag. lol
April comes around, some of the fighting has died down some with my family and work is doing better,and this girl named Sharrel starts stopping by. That's sha-RELL not Cheryll. I made that mistake once and she slapped me for it lmao
She was a cutie. Tan, small slender frame, and playful brown eyes. She was a flirt and that kinda made me uncomfortable being how I still hadn't healed inside. it hurt to think of thing like a perosn who was single would in a situation like this. But I got used to her being around and we would go back and forth just about everyday I worked.
Then one day she wanted to know what kind of music I listened to and she ended up making me a CD lol.
She put in some Breaking Benjamin, Disturbed, Stone Sour, and a few others with her favorite song at the time as the first track. It was the Drop the ****ing World Song by Lil Wayne and Eminem. And I have to admit, even though rap is not my thing, I was impressed with Eminem's portion of the song. It even changed my view on the genre a little. She loved the song at the time and was all excited about the solo portion of it. She was always fun to watch. The way she acted you would have thought she was a blonde straight from cali sometimes lol. Thinking about silly stuff like this made time go faster and I started feeling better. Started looking better too. I was at the time 5' 10'ish, 185 lbs and benched over 200. Being less self concious about your appearence, though I still was to an extent, helped as well.
This girl was kinda pushy in a way though in a way that wasn't attractive to me. And well thinking of anyone like that for most of the time I knew her didn't settle well with me anyway. She was stalkerlike almost lol I'm sure that was all in my head but I couldn't shrug that she was too into me for as much as she knew me.
But then she got some bf and started stopping less and less. It's been a long time since I've seen her now. I kinda wonder what she's up to these days. lol
Just as Sharrell exits out of my life this other girl starts stopping by, Britney. She's a red head, with alot of freckles, but even she was about near gorgeous. Imagine Zero Suit Samus only 6 inches shorter probably (Because Samus legs are very long, super model long, where as Britney is evenly proportioned as arms and legs go lol) and with red curly hair. And that was Britney in a nutshell.
Kinda out of my league is what's going on in my head. Well actually just trying not to let my ****ing face turn red when she looks my way lmao. The blood vessels in my face are closer than most to the surface. My face is redder more often than not and well having someone that good looking giving you full attention with the self esteem I had...yeah my face was turning red and the more embarressed over that I got, the redder it became lol
But I got more comfortable around her as she came in to the store and left again. We'd talk a little, she'd get ciggs and head out and I'd continue with my day.
Well one day I'm out the deli counter and watching as a **** ton of people are coming, yay for spring/summer, She runs in asks for my phone number and leaves.
I'm bewildered, semi-dumbstruck, and have too many people demanding me to do various things to really think about what just happened.
Later that night she texts me and we start doing the regular small talk you do when you start getting to know someone that we hadn't done already at the store. She was interesting to talk to, but giving my personality especially at the time, coming on too strong for me. 2nd or 3rd day of flirting and going back and forth I was getting pics of her in lingerie! lol
I told her basically the best that I could that..that was too much for barely knowing someone. And she got pissed and didn't talk to me after that. lol
Some of you are going to be thinking either "Damn you idiot you could have gotten laid!" or "This crap is just that, crap how much really happened or are you that dumb?"
And my only defense is my background and that's not how I am. Fatmonice's blog on masculinity explains it better than I can or want to, given the space I've already taken lol.
I wanted more than just a sexual relationship and moving that quickly that's all I saw it as becoming. Those who understand where I'm coming from with all this, thank you.
The same night I get a text from some random person out of the blue. She tells me she's Britney's cousin and that the number I gave Britney was supposed to be for her, which tells you a little something about Britney and we'll be coming back to her later.
First thought on this though was...disturbia and some date site motivational poster where the real life person and posted picture are two completely different things. Lol
I poked fun at her telling her she should have talked to me herself I don't bite..much. lol And then she told me that I had seen her before at work, which got me intrigued because I couldn't place her. So ice broken already, her personality was alot...I guess easier to handle than Britney's is a way to put it. So I was comfortable with her pretty fast. Though I had no face for this mystery text girl cousin so that partly made it easier and partly didn't lol
This one's name is Jessica and my time with her and the choices, good and bad I made will be what my main blog is about.
I originally was going to write it all in one, but I think I'll break it down, so maybe it'll get read. >.>;
This is just a prelude to what I'm really going to be talking about because so far, this doesn't sound so horrible as to be entitled Misery 2. This is just to catch you up and give you some understanding of who people are and what's going on in the story I'm going to be telling. Thank you for reading. The main story will be in Misery 2 Part1: Feels Like The First Time
Because I'm using song names for titles this blog on. lol and I appologize for things being a litle random. My mind just kinda works that way. I'll try to be more organized for the main one.
TLDR?: You stupid tool,
Stop acting cool.
Either read the lines
Or stop waisting this time of yours and mine
The time I've been spending
Typing and sending
This thing that's got me rending
And bending, in two out to you.
If you can't take the time to comprehend,
This thing I'm going to send,
Then be gone,
So' long
And good Riddance.
And to everyone that got this far, thank you again for taking the time to read this ^^;
The flow of time is merciless. I look back and it's been one hell of a year and a half or so since the last blog I've written, in good and bad ways. I'd like to think I've grown up a little since then, but I guess I'll leave that to you to decide because every step forward..there's always 2 steps backwards.
But lets go back a bit for now.
I've been a member of smashboards since the release of smash bros brawl. Looking back on some old posts I can't believe how..silly I was. I was so insecure and goofy and awkward acting back then. My depression and pessimism only grew worse as I made a fool of myself on numerous occasions up until and even after I started hanging out in the NeW Tourney thread. (Which many of you may remember as KC/Heartz's Meet and Greet thread.)
I even wrote some mopey crap about quitting Sonic (Which I haven't lol) on the Sonic boards way back when and got laughed at like I should have, it was just..pathetic. lol I had this comxplex of self loathing and self defeat. My background is a big contributor to this which if you would like to know, alot of it is in my first blog.
My time in NeW Horizon among awesome friends many of whom I honestly really miss talking to, and a couple I've even managed to keep in contact with over the years; these guys helped toughen me up a little. Some were supporting and others made me stronger because they needed someone to be strong for them. ALOT went down that time we were all together. You know who you are.
I went on from there to participate and eventually run Honor's Wrath for a time keeping peace between my then current and former clan. James you'll probably never see this but I'm truely sorry about a few weeks back. I had no idea.
And after the excitement of clans wore off it kinda just ended on it's own. I had turned 18 earlier that year(we're now up to 2009 lol)and I had no time for brawl, I was in upstate NY living with some relatives working a full time job and had met someone I really connected with. And ended up being in love with. And by the time it was all said and done ended up losing. All that time of building confidence and trying make myself better.. all went to hell right after that.
Along with my prior sadness and depression before those events, it was rage and hate in general with bouts of severe depression once the day came to an end.
I was so angry at myself for letting the outcome be what it was. Angry at my family for not only being unsupportive but an inhibiting factor. Angry at my ex for cheating on me, and angry at myself also for not being capable of doing what I needed to for that relationship to work. Too young, too dumb, too inexperienced and overally not ready even though I thought I was at the time. And above all not Brave enough to voice my own thoughts. Not strong enough to stand by my choices. Failure..I had failed everyone even myself.
I started working at a gas station back in PA, in the town I had lived most of my life, somewhere I never had intentions of returning to.. a month after all of it went down.
Life was ever ending bouts of sameness. I've always hated getting up,especially if it was early, but being heartbroken just kinda drags you down further as anyone it's happened to knows already and 5:30 is very, very early.
It took hours for me to fall asleep if I ever did, I hated going to bed for this reason. The quiet and the darkness and being alone brought back all the bitter and sad feelings that I kept to myself for the most part.
DevilWillCry, James and even Naos lol and everyone else who was there for me during that hell, you guys were a big part of what held me together through it.
Months went by and as time went on, I got switched to 2nd shift at work which was so much better. I could sleep longer lol and I enjoyed the people on nights much more. Morning shift I was working with the bosses and that has always been nerveracking to do up until probably a few months ago this year lol when me and the manager found a common thread, Godsmack and Disturbed Lmao. I started making different friends IRL and the pain and lonelyness started to dissipate but at still the nights were the worst.
Now things start to get interesting er more so..still with me so far? <.<;
I spent my time I wasn't working at work working at the local gym. Mostly just to occupy myself because keeping busy alleviated some of the stress and depression. And when I was angry, well there's nothing much better than taking it out on the iron or a punching bag. lol
April comes around, some of the fighting has died down some with my family and work is doing better,and this girl named Sharrel starts stopping by. That's sha-RELL not Cheryll. I made that mistake once and she slapped me for it lmao
She was a cutie. Tan, small slender frame, and playful brown eyes. She was a flirt and that kinda made me uncomfortable being how I still hadn't healed inside. it hurt to think of thing like a perosn who was single would in a situation like this. But I got used to her being around and we would go back and forth just about everyday I worked.
Then one day she wanted to know what kind of music I listened to and she ended up making me a CD lol.
She put in some Breaking Benjamin, Disturbed, Stone Sour, and a few others with her favorite song at the time as the first track. It was the Drop the ****ing World Song by Lil Wayne and Eminem. And I have to admit, even though rap is not my thing, I was impressed with Eminem's portion of the song. It even changed my view on the genre a little. She loved the song at the time and was all excited about the solo portion of it. She was always fun to watch. The way she acted you would have thought she was a blonde straight from cali sometimes lol. Thinking about silly stuff like this made time go faster and I started feeling better. Started looking better too. I was at the time 5' 10'ish, 185 lbs and benched over 200. Being less self concious about your appearence, though I still was to an extent, helped as well.
This girl was kinda pushy in a way though in a way that wasn't attractive to me. And well thinking of anyone like that for most of the time I knew her didn't settle well with me anyway. She was stalkerlike almost lol I'm sure that was all in my head but I couldn't shrug that she was too into me for as much as she knew me.
But then she got some bf and started stopping less and less. It's been a long time since I've seen her now. I kinda wonder what she's up to these days. lol
Just as Sharrell exits out of my life this other girl starts stopping by, Britney. She's a red head, with alot of freckles, but even she was about near gorgeous. Imagine Zero Suit Samus only 6 inches shorter probably (Because Samus legs are very long, super model long, where as Britney is evenly proportioned as arms and legs go lol) and with red curly hair. And that was Britney in a nutshell.
Kinda out of my league is what's going on in my head. Well actually just trying not to let my ****ing face turn red when she looks my way lmao. The blood vessels in my face are closer than most to the surface. My face is redder more often than not and well having someone that good looking giving you full attention with the self esteem I had...yeah my face was turning red and the more embarressed over that I got, the redder it became lol
But I got more comfortable around her as she came in to the store and left again. We'd talk a little, she'd get ciggs and head out and I'd continue with my day.
Well one day I'm out the deli counter and watching as a **** ton of people are coming, yay for spring/summer, She runs in asks for my phone number and leaves.
I'm bewildered, semi-dumbstruck, and have too many people demanding me to do various things to really think about what just happened.
Later that night she texts me and we start doing the regular small talk you do when you start getting to know someone that we hadn't done already at the store. She was interesting to talk to, but giving my personality especially at the time, coming on too strong for me. 2nd or 3rd day of flirting and going back and forth I was getting pics of her in lingerie! lol
I told her basically the best that I could that..that was too much for barely knowing someone. And she got pissed and didn't talk to me after that. lol
Some of you are going to be thinking either "Damn you idiot you could have gotten laid!" or "This crap is just that, crap how much really happened or are you that dumb?"
And my only defense is my background and that's not how I am. Fatmonice's blog on masculinity explains it better than I can or want to, given the space I've already taken lol.
I wanted more than just a sexual relationship and moving that quickly that's all I saw it as becoming. Those who understand where I'm coming from with all this, thank you.
The same night I get a text from some random person out of the blue. She tells me she's Britney's cousin and that the number I gave Britney was supposed to be for her, which tells you a little something about Britney and we'll be coming back to her later.
First thought on this though was...disturbia and some date site motivational poster where the real life person and posted picture are two completely different things. Lol
I poked fun at her telling her she should have talked to me herself I don't bite..much. lol And then she told me that I had seen her before at work, which got me intrigued because I couldn't place her. So ice broken already, her personality was alot...I guess easier to handle than Britney's is a way to put it. So I was comfortable with her pretty fast. Though I had no face for this mystery text girl cousin so that partly made it easier and partly didn't lol
This one's name is Jessica and my time with her and the choices, good and bad I made will be what my main blog is about.
I originally was going to write it all in one, but I think I'll break it down, so maybe it'll get read. >.>;
This is just a prelude to what I'm really going to be talking about because so far, this doesn't sound so horrible as to be entitled Misery 2. This is just to catch you up and give you some understanding of who people are and what's going on in the story I'm going to be telling. Thank you for reading. The main story will be in Misery 2 Part1: Feels Like The First Time
Because I'm using song names for titles this blog on. lol and I appologize for things being a litle random. My mind just kinda works that way. I'll try to be more organized for the main one.
TLDR?: You stupid tool,
Stop acting cool.
Either read the lines
Or stop waisting this time of yours and mine
The time I've been spending
Typing and sending
This thing that's got me rending
And bending, in two out to you.
If you can't take the time to comprehend,
This thing I'm going to send,
Then be gone,
So' long
And good Riddance.
And to everyone that got this far, thank you again for taking the time to read this ^^;
