Mind Feet

[Kais]

I wrote one draft of this (what's shown) just today. Enjoy

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The chambers in my mind swirl of browns, tans, and ivory.
The corridors shift and twirl the ornate designs in their pillars.
The patterns make me happily sad.
Ever twisting, their existence fully defines within seconds.
My footsteps..."mind feet"...echo throughout the halls, not to be heard by others.
At least not tonight.

The ceiling stretches high, too high...
Uncertainly high.
I cannot see the top.
I hope you're up there somewhere,
Looking down at me,
Telling me that all works out in the end.

Can you imagine?
Not seeing the top of something when it's directly above you?
I would try screaming out,
But no one would hear me.

At least not tonight.

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Thanks for reading! Comments are freakin' sweet.

 

[Virgilijus]

I thought it was good. I like the vision of the ceiling too high to see and the man's thoughts about it; you didn't need to say much about it for it to be understood. Also, the swirls of tan and ivory were very vibrant for me, although I would suggest replacing "twirl" in the next line; it adds a sort of distracting rhyme. And the repetition of "At least not tonight" was well done in that it was put where it was poignant and wasn't repeated over and over just because you could.

I didn't like the little break in the first section where you explicitly named "mind feet". Just use it and show us what it is; singling it out kind of stops the rhythm and feeling of the poem.

A very good effort.

 

[Kais]

Thanks a lot for your input, I'm really glad you liked it. I could actually take the "mind feet" thing out and it would still be obvious where it came from, now that you mention it. I'm not exactly sure what to put in place of "twirl", I suppose thesaurus.com would have something to say about that. Thanks a lot for reading it, you gave great advice

 

[demoncaterpie]

The beginning was good, but the second and third stanzas just repeated the same idea. You also change your diction from a very complex language to a very simple language. I say be complicated throughout, because it sounds good.

I enjoyed this poem. Keep it up man!!!

 

[Akebo]

Hmmm...I'm trying to find the rightn words to suit this...it was...unique? I don't know. I didn't really get the "mind feet" part of it at all, and the composition was okay. It was a bad poem, I just had no particular care for it.