Mario And Sonic Unite!

[supersonicdjs]

Prolouge

On one quiet, peaceful day in the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario was relaxing under the sun. The apple tree above him possessed a large shadow that cooled him down. The Toads were playing ball, video games, jump rope, and some just eating breakfast! Mario smiled as a baby toad crawled by. Mario immediatly saw that the toad was an orphan.

Mario picked up the small toad and looked at it. The more Mario looked at him, the more he felt it needed a father. Mario decided to name it "Toadalo". Mario saw a gem in the babies hand.

Just that moment, The clear, blue, sky turned pitch black. Mario, surprised, looked up in the air. The smoke around him cleared. 10 robots were standing in a circle around Mario and the Toad. Mario held the baby tight in his arms and looked at the robots angrily.

"What are you trying to do?" Asked Mario.

"We want the gem. Hand it over." Replied one of the robots.

"Never!" Said Mario.

Mario tripped one of the robots and ran towards Princess Peach's castle.

Mario looked up at the balcony of the castle. Peach was standing on the balcony backing away from 3, heavily armored robots.

"Mario!" Screamed Peach in terror.

Mario held the baby up to his head. Mariio slowly opened the doors of the castle and walked inside.



Chapter 1 Castle Disaster

Mario ran up the stairs of the castle.

"How Could Bowser Have Made Those Highly Engineered Robots?" Wondered Mario.

Mario opened the door at the top of the stairs. Mario ran through the long hallway as he panted furiously.

Mario backflipped onto a small balcony. There was a giant robot on the balcony. Mario slid between the robot's feet and kicked him off the ledge.

A key came out of the robot. Mario grabbed the key and opened the door.

Suddenley, lava rose from underneath the castle.

The lava was slowly making its way to the top of the castle.

A robot behind Mario smashed the balcony into peices. Mario hung onto the ledge.

The baby Toad and The emerald fell down, ready to hit the lava.

Just before The Baby Toad was about to hit the lava, Luigi hung onto a peice fo the castle and grabbed the baby.

Mario did not know what happened, so he just kept running, sad that the baby died.

Little did Mario Know, Luigi Saved the baby.

Mario climbed the royal stairway and made it into the royal bedroom.

Mario, without hesitation, smashed open the window and climbed outside onto the balcony.

The robot had Preach in his hands, along with the emerald. The robot took Peach and flew up to a giant battleship in the sky.

"Mario!" Cried Peach.

Peach threw the emerald down to Mario as Mario Grasped the emerald.

Luigi jumped onto the balcony next to Mario with the Baby Toad. Mario saw The Baby Toad in Luigi's hands.

"How Did You?" Asked Mario.

"Surprise!" Interrupted Luigi.

Mario and Luigi looked up at the sky. The sky was clearing and it turned blue again.

"How could Bowser Afford such expensive mechanics?" Asked Mario.

"I gathered more information. Its more complicated than you think. C'mon, lets go!" Said Luigi as he grabbed Mario's arm and ran back into the castle.

 

[Ninja-Z]

Okay; there are several things that need to be fixed here, so I'll try to take in chronological order from the prologue to the end of chapter one.

1. If Mario is sitting under an apple tree with its shadow covering him, then he's not in the sun. Those two sentences can be condensed to "One quiet, peaceful day in the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario was relaxing in the shadow of an apple tree," or something along those lines.

2. As soon as I get a few sentences into the story, it becomes apparent that all of your sentences are very stilted. They lack details and phrasing that creates the proper flow of a story, instead stating simple actions without connecting them together. This is a problem with all of the chapter, so it's something you need to work on.

3. How did Mario know the baby was an orphan? Please elaborate on that as well as the rest of the story. There are many things that need clarification that are instead thrown at us without any explanation. Details!

4. After the first three paragraphs, you seem reluctant to group sentences together for the rest of the chapter. This isn't a script. Combine sentences that work together; not only does it read better, the format just looks a lot neater.

5. '3' should be 'three.' Small numbers should be spelled out.

6. This goes along with #2 and #4, but slow down! Take the time to describe what is going on instead of cruising along without a second thought. Take time to establish the action instead of whizzing on by. It's apparent that you wrote this as quickly as possible, but there's no need to rush. Detail and a good flow are two of the most vital aspects of a story, and you lack both.

7. Lastly, look for misspellings and other grammar oopsies. Use spell check, or just proofread what you wrote and weed them out yourself.

I'd like to see more from you, but those seven points need to be addressed before your writing can improve drastically.

 

[supersonicdjs]

^Thanks! Ill take those suggestions and try my best this time!

Chapter 2 Finding A Way

Mario and Luigi climbed over a slippery step and looked down from the burnt balcony. They both saw a pool of lava rising from inside the castle. The lava rose quicker and quicker every second. Mario thought of an idea.

"Luigi! I guess the results would be worth it if we tried to absorb the power of the gem the Princess gave us!" Said Mario, Holding the mysterious gem.

The gem spun into the air above the castle and slammed into the balcony where Mario and Luigi were standing. When all was hopeless, The Mario Bros. began to float.

"Hey, the emerald really DOES work!" Said Mario, Excitedly.

Luigi winked at Mario as the two created a portal. The portal unfortunately smashed Peach's castle into pieces and sucked it up. Mario looked calm and depended to save the princess. Luigi was quite the opposite, as his mouth was open wide and his bloodshot eyes were bulging.

Mario nodded at Luigi and flew into the portal. It took Luigi five minutes to get unfrozen. Mario landed on a cushiony grass. A slow, comfortable breeze flew around him gracefully. Mario looked at the sky. The sky was pitch black.

A blue wind smashed him into the ground and flew towards a blood-red tornado. Mario got up and stared at the tornado.

Luigi fell flat on his face and ran around Mario in circles, screaming. Mario looked at Luigi, annoyed.

The blue wind stopped, showing a spiked figure in the smoke. The smoke cleared and there, standing in the smoke, was Sonic The Hedghog. Sonic winked at the Mario Bros. and grabbed them by the hand.

Sonic, Mario, and Luigi ran into the tornado.

Sonic wall jumped across the sucked up items and ran across the barren wasteland that was once the peaceful land of Mobius. Mario and Luigi followed using teamwork. Mario jumped on top of Luigi and landed on a ledge, where Luigi jumped and the two backflipped onto the next platform. Mario whacked Luigi with a hammer as Luigi broke a wall, granting access to move on to the next challenge.

Finally, when the three made it to the top of the tornado, they saw Dr. Robotnik in his Egg Carrier.

Sonic grinned as he took Mario and Luigi's hand, and jumped onto the Egg Carrier. Sonic Kicked open a window and ran with The Bros. as the red sirens wailed "Intruder Alert".

 

[Ninja-Z]

You still need to work on the story flow. Don't make most of your sentences so short; it would benefit you to lengthen them or connect several together. Now that you've got paragraphs instead of one-liners, make use of it! Read over what you've written until it sounds natural. That's the key.

The only other thing of note is Sonic's sudden appearance, which was abrupt and would work better with an explanation for why he's working with Mario so calmly. Unless you intend to explain it in the next chapter, 'course, but even then some explanation would be nice.

 

[supersonicdjs]

^ Yeah, Mario and Luigi just worked with him and they had no idea why they did. Mario will ask Sonic next paragraph.

 

[supersonicdjs]

Chapter 3 Rescuing Amy Rose


"Hey, Why did you bring us here, anyway?" Asked Mario.

"Because I cant save Amy and Destory Dr. Robotnik's Battleship at the same time." Said Sonic.

Sonic Threw Mario through a broken door on the side of the Egg Carrier. Sonic spin-dashed into the many walls that blocked his path. Luigi ran with Sonic, destroying enemies the whole way.

Sonic and Luigi smashed through the final door. Amy was tied to a chair, handcuffed, and had tape on her mouth.

"Eggman! Release her this instant!" Yelled Sonic.

"No way! You may have followed me here, but you have finally met your match, as I have- WOAH!!!" Said Eggman.

The whole Egg Carrier shook. A flame spewed out of the tip of the Egg Carrier.

"Oh No! Were going to crash!" Yelled Eggman.

"But Im not finished yet!" Said Eggman.

Eggman jumped into a cockpit and landed inside the Falcon Robot.

"You wont escape now, you pesky little hedgehog!" Said Eggman.

Sonic Jumped on top of Luigi and knocked into Eggman. Luigi rolled Sonic into a ball and used his hammer to whack Sonic into Eggman multiple times. Eggman's machine lit on fire.

Eggman and His machine were going to crash into Sonic.... But Mario slammed into Eggman and spun him in the face repeadetly. Mario whacked Eggman with his hammer and jumped on his head. Mario formed a large fireball and detonated Eggman's Robot.

Sonic took the tape off Amy's mouth and took the rope off her. Just before the Egg Carrier exploded, Mario threw Sonic The Emerald and all 4 of them dashed off the Egg Carrier at Super Speed.

Sonic Carried Amy as he jumped across the remaining peices of the ship and ran across the broken bridges. The three slammed into an explosion and got thrown onto grass.

The Egg Carrier exploded. Sonic saved Amy from dying. Sonic took a couple of breaths and fell on the floor.

"Are you ok?" Asked Amy.

Sonic Gave A Thumbs Up and went to sleep.