Snot Man
Smash Cadet
Hurray! The regular Japan Time Time is back! And I’m not talking about those crummy old <a href="http://smashboards.com/blog/2007/12/28/japan-time-time-goes-back-in-time-weeks-13-14-and-15/">back in</a> <a href="http://smashboards.com/blog/2008/01/03/japan-time-time-goes-back-in-time-weeks-16-17-and-18/">time updates</a>. They stink of decay!* But this, my friends, is a fresh and NEW look at updates from… over a week ago. Ehe.
*I’m kidding. Back in Time updates are still awesome. I am awesome. And you are awesome.
Nevertheless, brace yourselves, for up ahead lies a touching reunion of two brothers, the result of Sakurai apparently associating Christmas with Sonic, and that thing you see on the front page of the Dojo whenever you check it every morning “just in case”!
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/stage02_070601a.jpg" alt="Disregard the hawaiian shirt, trunk packed with tacky souvenirs and dark suntan." />
<strong>Contrarily to what rumors indicate, Japan Time Time’s writer did not abandon you for the shores of this tropical heaven on Earth.</strong>
<strong>WEEK #32: 17th to 21st, 2007</strong>
<a href="http://smashboards.com/blog/2007/12/17/its-japan-time-time-week-30/">Two weeks ago</a>, I wrote about Waluigi, the trials and tribulations of his career and, most importantly, his relationship with his brother(?) Wario. His sad story touched the hearts of millions across the nation, and today I’ve invited him so he could share it with us more in-depth.
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/waluigitx9.png" /> NYAAAAAA-HAHAHAHA! WAAALUIIIIIIGI!
Glad to see you’re in good spirits, Waluigi. Especially since I just lied. I didn’t invite you to tell your story, but because someone here wants to see you?
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/waluigitx9.png" /> Nyeh?
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/wario.html#overallswario"><strong>MONDAY: Overalls Wario</strong></a>
<em>Oh! Talk about individualized!</em>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/wariolh0.png" /> Waluiiiiigi!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/waluigitx9.png" /> Waaaario!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/wariolh0.png" /> …Let’s-a go stick nails in the tires of the Mario Bros’ go-karts!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/waluigitx9.png" /> Yaaaaaaay!
Aaaaah, such a touching reunion. It seems like those two will be able to, once again, have a real brother relationship!
Moving on to the actual entry, yay! Wario can wear his classic costume! So that walking monster truck tire with an evil mustache DOES have feelings after all. But wait, what’s this? …”Wario alone is special”? So he’s the only one with a special costume? NOOOOOOOO! What about Pokemon Trainer? Wouldn’t it make sense to give it costumes based on the other trainers in the series? What about gender equality? What about the female ones? Sure, if the Trainer gets voice acting, it’ll probably be something like Ash’s voice, but it’s okay. Ash sounds like a girl (mostly because he’s voiced by a girl). Guess we’ll just have to settle for feminine-looking color schemes.
Speaking of color schemes, look! Overalls Wario has a color scheme based off of Mario. I looked back, and noticed that Mario also has a color scheme based on Wario. So we have Wario Mario and Mario Wario. Confusing? It sure is! But luckily, I’ve prepared a chart so you’ll be able to easily tell who’s who.
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/mwario1vg6.png" alt="Hi! I'm a Mario. !oiraW a m'I dnA" />
Hmmmm… That looks okay, but something isn’t right… Hold on…
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/mwario2ki4.png" alt="Hi! I'm a Mario. And I'm a Wario!" />
Aaaaah! Much better. All right! Now that this is settled, time to give this entry its rating. Now where did I put the Christmas Meter…?
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmessqm3.png" alt="Don't drink and rate Smash Bros. Dojo entries, everyone." />
<strong>Raaaaaaah…</strong>
AAAAAAH! …Christmas Meter! You look terrible! You haven’t been partying during your whole break, have you?
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmessqm3.png" alt="A shocking example of what not to do." />
<strong>…BARF.</strong>
Um, gee… Let me go get that cleaned up. Ew. So I guess I obviously can’t use you this week. Until then… OH! I know!
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 2 Meters out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" />
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/sonic.html#3rd"><strong>TUESDAY: Sonic: Final Smash</strong></a>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/music/music19.html"><strong>TUESDAY AGAIN: Sonic the Hedgehog: Angel Island Zone</strong></a>
<em>As you can tell by listening, it’s a pretty hot song, and it has many fans.</em>
Oh boy oh boy! It’s the Christmas update! Time to go check the Smash Bros Dojo! It’s Christmas, so the update should be great, shouldn’t it?
…WAAAAAAAH! WE KNEW THAT ALREADY! WAAAAAAA– Oh, who am I kidding? I’m not really sad. I’m used to that by now. I’ve gotten desensitized. And I didn’t even pay attention to the E for All coverage, either. Regardless, Super Sonic is totally awesome.
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/phasedistorterfd1.png" /> <em>Here, I originally wrote a long tangent explaining why I was going to give this entry a four even if we knew half of it already, and in the same process why so many weeks wind up averaging to three even if they don’t really compare with each other. In the end, it came out looking out of place, a little boring and maybe kind of condescending, so I decided to axe it out of the final cut. But if someone is interested in seeing it or happens to get angry because they disagree with my ratings in the future, then I’ll probably post it in the comments thread.</em>
H-hey! What are you doing here? This isn’t a “Japan Time Time goes back in time” entry!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/phasedistorterfd1.png" /> <em>Whoops! Right, sorry, my bad.</em>
Where was I at? Oh, yes! It’s Super Sonic and he’s really rad. As they say, there wasn’t much to expect aside from Super Sonic for his Final Smash, but the execution comes out looking pretty awesome. Some Final Smashes wound up <a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/ike.html#3rd">kind</a> <a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/diddykong.html#3rd">of</a> <a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/donkeykong.html#3rd">lame</a>, but this is luckily not one of them. Knock on wood! But not too fast, or you’ll be easier to dodge! (I don’t get that.)
HA! You probably expected me to do an “Over nine thousand” joke here, didn’t you? Well, the joke’s on you! I didn’t! I already used up my weekly quota for Kajetokun video references. …Wait, crap. I guess while we’re on the subject, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxE2OW2ssj8">don’t look in random bathroom stalls</a>.
Next up is… the Angel Island theme! First, they confirm (but did anyone really doubt it?) that Live and Learn will indeed be in the game, which is great because, true story, the GameCube version of Sonic Adventure 2 was my first real exposure to the franchise. So while most people were going “This franchise is steadily going downhill!” at that point, I was going “Chao raising is AWESOME! And wow, those hedgehogs sure love grinding. Go faster, you silly animals! I need more chaos drives!” As a consequence, I’ve never played Sonic 3, so I can’t tell if this is a good remix or not. Seems like now would be as good a time to fix this as any!
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/sonic31ff4.png" alt="Contrarily to Mario, Sonic burned a whole lot of calories over the years." />
<strong>Hey! I think that’s Super Sonic! Although he looks less “Super Saiyan” and more “Super Chubby” than how I remember him. HA! I went there!</strong>
<p align="center">Â <img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/sonic32gh3.png" alt="Seriously, Robotnik tricked him into being **** Dastardly. That's a whole new level of trickery." />
<strong>Who’s that mustache-twirling, evil-grinning a**hole? Don’t tell me… Knuckles? Good gravy, man, people might misunderstand you and think you’re pure evil if you keep that up. Wouldn’t want that to happen.</strong>
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/sonic33zx5.png" alt="I did play Sonic 3 & Knuckles long ago. It's pretty awesome except when I die." />
<strong>–Wait! Waaaaait! Stop the presses! I think I’m actually playing the right game.</strong>
<p align="left">Many apologies for this messup. This should not happen in the future. Hm? Oh, yeah, the remix. It’s pretty cool, I guess. Oldschool video game music is always better with electric guitars, I say!</p>
Now, time to draw a number out of a hat, aaaaand…
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 4 Meters out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" />
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/modea/modea11.html"><strong>WEDNESDAY: Trophy Stands</strong></a>
<em>You could say this is only possible because of the setting of the Smash world.</em>
Looks like they’ve done it. After taking over a bunch of the trophies in Melee, having four playable characters in that game (and we can expect more in Brawl if the Trainer counts as three) AND somehow hypnotizing the world into thinking they want a playable Lucario, Pokemon has taken over the Subspace Emissary!
Without a proper transition, here! I’ll show you my favorite picture of the update.
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/modea11_071226b.jpg" alt="Kirby is the most expressive pink blob ever." />
<strong>Ooooooooooooooooh!</strong>
Kirby looks like he’s never seen a golden disc with the Smash emblem on it, and it’s just totally blown his tiny and adorable mind. It’s one of those images I could stare at for hours without getting sick of it! Heeheehee! Just look at it! I’m not crazy! It’s an awesome picture!
All right, moving on. This is one of those features that looks really cool to me, but I bet caused some people to cry. As a friend of mine pointed out, I’m lucky I’m a diehard collector, because that means I actually won’t mind jumping through all those hoops to get all the trophies. I’m also lucky I have someone to play co-op with nearby, because YOU try and explain to your AI partner that you DON’T actually want that enemy dead, just weakened enough to be susceptible to the trophy stand’s effect! Of course, you might just not get an AI partner, but I digress.
Man, I hope Parasect is playable. Spore and False Swipe: a winning combination!
Oh, the Big Primid’s description mentions shadow bugs. Wonder what those are.
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/sbugsvu8.png" alt="My original idea called for Shadow the Hedgehog with a bug's head. I like to think that this will give you more nightmares." />
<strong>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!</strong>
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 4 Meters out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" />
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various20.html"><strong>THURSDAY: Coin Launcher</strong></a>
<em>That was fine and all, but I got to thinking that there really wasn’t any strategy involved.</em>
First of all, let’s all conveniently forget to wonder why, exactly, Sakurai seems to think that trophy-collecting should require strategy to begin with! You forgot? Me too! All right!
This seems like this may or may not be a cool minigame, but it seems like it could fall flat easily. Really, it seems like Bust-A-Move meets Space Invaders meets Resident Evil. And by that I mean “tilt your launcher, blast spaceships, run out of ammo exactly when you need it most”. Hopefully coins will be easier to come by than in Melee, so machinegun tactics aren’t as doomed to failure as you’d think. And also hopefully, this will turn out to be an awesome diversion from the main game that’s addictive in its own right (see: the Gummi Ship in Kingdom Hearts 2) rather than an half-assed tacked-on mess that’s got nothing to do with anything (see: the Gummi Ship in Kingdom Hearts).
Wait! I’m not done yet! This update intrigues me, so I’ve decided to do some in-depth screenshot analysis. So as not to strain our budget, however, I’ll only be covering the first one. Take a look at this…
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/launcherkh9.png" alt="I won't show the screenshot with the missile in it. Too bad, because I really wanted to say how much I hate them in Star Fox Command. And how much I hate Star Fox Command, too." />
On point <strong>1</strong>, you can see the <strong>evil triangles</strong> you’ll be having to blast. I knew those things were always up to no good!
On point <strong>2</strong>, you can see the words “<strong>Bonus Point</strong>“. What could that mean? I have no idea! Those words look out of place and I’m not sure where they’re there. In fact, the only thing they remind me of is how video games have been portrayed on TV until fairly recently. You know, how, when you watched a show in which a character played a video game, it’d always be some dork with an unplugged controller, jerking it left and right and waggling the joystick as if their life depended on it, all to the sweet sound of Atari-era sound effects? And when you actually took a look at the screen, it’d either be some terrifying 8-bit mess or a really generic first-person shooter? And then, somebody else would walk in, ask them what they’re playing, and, without pausing, they’d answer something along the lines of “I’ve got to save princess Sburbia from the evil wizard Walgtron, and to do that I need to slay seventy-eight Trunk Orks so I can collect the magic orange keys to open the door to the desert of Gnarl, but first I need eight million points, and if I die I’ll have to start over and I’ll lose all my newts. BONUS POINT!” See, that last part. That’s the one I’m talking about. The one where the player gets up and screams “BONUS POINT!” for no conceivable reason. The one that makes it clear that TV writers have never played a video game in their entire life. I’m not sure what that’s got to do with the Coin Launcher, though.
Point <strong>3</strong> features a trophy I’m currently unable to identify. All I can make out is a white thing with a red ball on top. A Moogle, maybe?! Or… wait! Of course! It’s <strong>a certain fruit-loving Penny Arcade character</strong>! Whose full name I’m pretty sure I can’t transcribe here.
A sticker I’m also unsure of lies at point <strong>4</strong>. It might be something from Balloon Fight in a really odd position, but I think I should rather put my bet on <strong>that terrifying mutant biomechanical blob from Akira</strong>.
Point <strong>5</strong> is <strong>Sir Kibble</strong> from the Kirby series. …What do you mean, where’s the joke? This is a serious analysis, you know!
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 3 Meters out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" alt="You found the hidden alt-text! Mention it at the counter for fifty cents off every JTT-burger combo meal you purchase." /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" />
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/items/item14.html"><strong>FRIDAY: Dragoon</strong></a>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/wi-fi/wi-fi05.html"><strong>STILL FRIDAY: Sharing</strong></a>
<em>I ask that you take great care not to forget this step.</em>
This item is AWESOME! And it’s from… Kirby’s Air Ride? What? Of all the games… But this is quite interesting, either way. In a way, it’s a bit like another hammer or Smash Ball. I won’t elaborate on how much Sakurai seems to think that item is spicy and hilarious, but it did make me wonder. Are we going to see more items like that? As in, items that take a lot to obtain, but essentially mean a free KO if you get them? Here are my predictions.
<strong>Phazon Beam:</strong> It manifests itself as a puddle of blue, glowing and vaguely electric Phazon goo. By rolling yourself in it, you might just supercharge your character’s power, allowing it to shoot incredibly powerful beams of unstable energy for a short amount of time! But be careful, for it’s also likely that the Phazon will, instead, deteriorate their DNA irreparably, slowly morphing them into abominations that are unable to fight correctly. The effect will seem to disappear if you get KOed, but will unknowingly be passed on to your character’s children. Yoshi might be able to use this strategically, hint hint.
<strong>Arceus:</strong> If you find the Pokeball with Arceus in it… boy, are you in luck! But not quite. You see, since Rayquaza lives in a lake now, it’s obvious that the makers of Brawl are confused about Pokemon. So for some reason, Arceus has been deemed so powerful that his body has been split in five (Arceus the Forbidden One, Left Leg of the Forbidden One and so forth). Instead of having to visit Japan and take part in some obscure event to win one in a giveaway, you’ll have to reunite those five parts instead. If you do, you win the game! I’m not exaggerating. It’ll take you to the post-match screen, and your character will be in first place regardless of what previously happened. And if you’re playing single-player? You immediately skip right to the credits screen.
<strong>The Triforce:</strong> If you reunite all three pieces of the Triforce, the stage will turn into a reflection of your character’s soul, which will be a great advantage to them in some way or another. If Wario grabs it, the stage will turn into nothing but garlic, which is lethal to the touch to everyone except Wario. If Link touches it, everything will go back to the way it was before Ganon came, and his uncle will come back to life. If Kirby touches it, all opponents will perish from diabetes. If Ganondorf (if he’s playable) gets it, trees will get really weird-looking and the awesome Dark World theme will start playing. If the Ice Climb– Okay, you get the idea.
<strong>Metal Gear:</strong> If you’re VERY lucky, you may stumble upon a Codec item that will allow you to communicate with Otacon. From it, Otacon will explain to you how to build your very own Metal Gear using nothing but ordinary items and a multi-million dollar budget. To get the latter, you’ll either need to be playing a coin match or to find the so far unseen “suitcase full of money” item. Once you’ve gathered all the money and items, congratulations! You’re now piloting your very own Metal Gear! Imagine, if you will, Kirby at the commands of a humongous mecha, gleefully shooting nuclear missiles at the battlefield. Hours of fun for the whole family!
<strong>Mega Mushroom:</strong> Oh man, now he’s REALL– you know what? Too obvious.
We’re not done quite yet, as that was a double update! The second part is about… Sharing. I haven’t got a lot to say about that one. I think that’s mostly because I’m a creature of pure evil that seeks to destroy all love, friendship and sharing. That’s secondary to my objective of destroying Petey Piranha and Lucario once and for all, though.
My pure evil aside, wow! I can’t wait to receive pictures from ARGH. In fact, I don’t think I can put into words the joy I’ll feel when I’ll receive his “Diddy Kong with a bunny hood” and “DeDeDe with his mouth open” pictures along with the stage patterned after his wang. It makes me all emotional thinking about it!
But hey, on the bright side, Nintendo can send pictures too, and they’re actually good with those. I know I wouldn’t mind if they sent me that one again and again, myself.
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/modea11_071226b.jpg" alt="You're still surprised, Kirby?!" />
<strong>Ooooooooooooooooh!</strong>
Also, notice how the Wii they’re using the demonstrate appears to have no channels except the game channel and the Mii channel. INTERESTING, ISN’T IT?! (Not that much, no.)
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 4 Meters out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" />
<h1>GAME!</h1>
<strong>1ST PLACE WINNER:</strong> The trophy stands appeal to the collector in me in ways previously thought unimaginable! It’s like they added a delicious new spice, and it’s hard to put into words the joy of capturing enemies just like Pokemon. This is a hot entry, and I hope it has many fans.
<strong>LAST PLACE LOSER:</strong> While I’m thrilled that Waluigi’s story had a happy ending, it’s too bad that Wario will be the only one with a full-on alternate costume. I don’t think that was really a bad update, mind, which goes to show how solid the week was, even if the Christmas update wasn’t really very special.
<strong>THIS WEEK’S OVERALL RATING:</strong> I’m… not sure?
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmessqm3.png" alt="Arghlebwabblebar." />
Geez, Meter, what am I gonna do with you? (I’m taking suggestions, by the way.) But anyhoo! That’s it for this Japan Time Time! Apologies again for the delay, but that should be the last of them you’ll see for 2007, at least! (Hehehehe.) Here’s hoping the new year and the game being released so soon will mean we’ll be seeing more and more interesting stuff, and that none of us will die from excitement in anticipation from the game!
Tune in next week, as the Dojo starts making “update reruns”, we give a five to Sonic’s re-confirmation, a Weighted Companion Cube assist trophy is revealed and “BONUS POINT!” becomes my new catchphrase! See you soon! BONUS POINT!
*I’m kidding. Back in Time updates are still awesome. I am awesome. And you are awesome.
Nevertheless, brace yourselves, for up ahead lies a touching reunion of two brothers, the result of Sakurai apparently associating Christmas with Sonic, and that thing you see on the front page of the Dojo whenever you check it every morning “just in case”!
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/stage02_070601a.jpg" alt="Disregard the hawaiian shirt, trunk packed with tacky souvenirs and dark suntan." />
<strong>Contrarily to what rumors indicate, Japan Time Time’s writer did not abandon you for the shores of this tropical heaven on Earth.</strong>
<strong>WEEK #32: 17th to 21st, 2007</strong>
<a href="http://smashboards.com/blog/2007/12/17/its-japan-time-time-week-30/">Two weeks ago</a>, I wrote about Waluigi, the trials and tribulations of his career and, most importantly, his relationship with his brother(?) Wario. His sad story touched the hearts of millions across the nation, and today I’ve invited him so he could share it with us more in-depth.
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/waluigitx9.png" /> NYAAAAAA-HAHAHAHA! WAAALUIIIIIIGI!
Glad to see you’re in good spirits, Waluigi. Especially since I just lied. I didn’t invite you to tell your story, but because someone here wants to see you?
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/waluigitx9.png" /> Nyeh?
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/wario.html#overallswario"><strong>MONDAY: Overalls Wario</strong></a>
<em>Oh! Talk about individualized!</em>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/wariolh0.png" /> Waluiiiiigi!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/waluigitx9.png" /> Waaaario!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/wariolh0.png" /> …Let’s-a go stick nails in the tires of the Mario Bros’ go-karts!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/waluigitx9.png" /> Yaaaaaaay!
Aaaaah, such a touching reunion. It seems like those two will be able to, once again, have a real brother relationship!
Moving on to the actual entry, yay! Wario can wear his classic costume! So that walking monster truck tire with an evil mustache DOES have feelings after all. But wait, what’s this? …”Wario alone is special”? So he’s the only one with a special costume? NOOOOOOOO! What about Pokemon Trainer? Wouldn’t it make sense to give it costumes based on the other trainers in the series? What about gender equality? What about the female ones? Sure, if the Trainer gets voice acting, it’ll probably be something like Ash’s voice, but it’s okay. Ash sounds like a girl (mostly because he’s voiced by a girl). Guess we’ll just have to settle for feminine-looking color schemes.
Speaking of color schemes, look! Overalls Wario has a color scheme based off of Mario. I looked back, and noticed that Mario also has a color scheme based on Wario. So we have Wario Mario and Mario Wario. Confusing? It sure is! But luckily, I’ve prepared a chart so you’ll be able to easily tell who’s who.
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/mwario1vg6.png" alt="Hi! I'm a Mario. !oiraW a m'I dnA" />
Hmmmm… That looks okay, but something isn’t right… Hold on…
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/mwario2ki4.png" alt="Hi! I'm a Mario. And I'm a Wario!" />
Aaaaah! Much better. All right! Now that this is settled, time to give this entry its rating. Now where did I put the Christmas Meter…?
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmessqm3.png" alt="Don't drink and rate Smash Bros. Dojo entries, everyone." />
<strong>Raaaaaaah…</strong>
AAAAAAH! …Christmas Meter! You look terrible! You haven’t been partying during your whole break, have you?
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmessqm3.png" alt="A shocking example of what not to do." />
<strong>…BARF.</strong>
Um, gee… Let me go get that cleaned up. Ew. So I guess I obviously can’t use you this week. Until then… OH! I know!
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 2 Meters out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" />
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/sonic.html#3rd"><strong>TUESDAY: Sonic: Final Smash</strong></a>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/music/music19.html"><strong>TUESDAY AGAIN: Sonic the Hedgehog: Angel Island Zone</strong></a>
<em>As you can tell by listening, it’s a pretty hot song, and it has many fans.</em>
Oh boy oh boy! It’s the Christmas update! Time to go check the Smash Bros Dojo! It’s Christmas, so the update should be great, shouldn’t it?
…WAAAAAAAH! WE KNEW THAT ALREADY! WAAAAAAA– Oh, who am I kidding? I’m not really sad. I’m used to that by now. I’ve gotten desensitized. And I didn’t even pay attention to the E for All coverage, either. Regardless, Super Sonic is totally awesome.
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/phasedistorterfd1.png" /> <em>Here, I originally wrote a long tangent explaining why I was going to give this entry a four even if we knew half of it already, and in the same process why so many weeks wind up averaging to three even if they don’t really compare with each other. In the end, it came out looking out of place, a little boring and maybe kind of condescending, so I decided to axe it out of the final cut. But if someone is interested in seeing it or happens to get angry because they disagree with my ratings in the future, then I’ll probably post it in the comments thread.</em>
H-hey! What are you doing here? This isn’t a “Japan Time Time goes back in time” entry!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/phasedistorterfd1.png" /> <em>Whoops! Right, sorry, my bad.</em>
Where was I at? Oh, yes! It’s Super Sonic and he’s really rad. As they say, there wasn’t much to expect aside from Super Sonic for his Final Smash, but the execution comes out looking pretty awesome. Some Final Smashes wound up <a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/ike.html#3rd">kind</a> <a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/diddykong.html#3rd">of</a> <a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/donkeykong.html#3rd">lame</a>, but this is luckily not one of them. Knock on wood! But not too fast, or you’ll be easier to dodge! (I don’t get that.)
HA! You probably expected me to do an “Over nine thousand” joke here, didn’t you? Well, the joke’s on you! I didn’t! I already used up my weekly quota for Kajetokun video references. …Wait, crap. I guess while we’re on the subject, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxE2OW2ssj8">don’t look in random bathroom stalls</a>.
Next up is… the Angel Island theme! First, they confirm (but did anyone really doubt it?) that Live and Learn will indeed be in the game, which is great because, true story, the GameCube version of Sonic Adventure 2 was my first real exposure to the franchise. So while most people were going “This franchise is steadily going downhill!” at that point, I was going “Chao raising is AWESOME! And wow, those hedgehogs sure love grinding. Go faster, you silly animals! I need more chaos drives!” As a consequence, I’ve never played Sonic 3, so I can’t tell if this is a good remix or not. Seems like now would be as good a time to fix this as any!
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/sonic31ff4.png" alt="Contrarily to Mario, Sonic burned a whole lot of calories over the years." />
<strong>Hey! I think that’s Super Sonic! Although he looks less “Super Saiyan” and more “Super Chubby” than how I remember him. HA! I went there!</strong>
<p align="center">Â <img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/sonic32gh3.png" alt="Seriously, Robotnik tricked him into being **** Dastardly. That's a whole new level of trickery." />
<strong>Who’s that mustache-twirling, evil-grinning a**hole? Don’t tell me… Knuckles? Good gravy, man, people might misunderstand you and think you’re pure evil if you keep that up. Wouldn’t want that to happen.</strong>
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/sonic33zx5.png" alt="I did play Sonic 3 & Knuckles long ago. It's pretty awesome except when I die." />
<strong>–Wait! Waaaaait! Stop the presses! I think I’m actually playing the right game.</strong>
<p align="left">Many apologies for this messup. This should not happen in the future. Hm? Oh, yeah, the remix. It’s pretty cool, I guess. Oldschool video game music is always better with electric guitars, I say!</p>
Now, time to draw a number out of a hat, aaaaand…
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 4 Meters out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" />
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/modea/modea11.html"><strong>WEDNESDAY: Trophy Stands</strong></a>
<em>You could say this is only possible because of the setting of the Smash world.</em>
Looks like they’ve done it. After taking over a bunch of the trophies in Melee, having four playable characters in that game (and we can expect more in Brawl if the Trainer counts as three) AND somehow hypnotizing the world into thinking they want a playable Lucario, Pokemon has taken over the Subspace Emissary!
Without a proper transition, here! I’ll show you my favorite picture of the update.
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/modea11_071226b.jpg" alt="Kirby is the most expressive pink blob ever." />
<strong>Ooooooooooooooooh!</strong>
Kirby looks like he’s never seen a golden disc with the Smash emblem on it, and it’s just totally blown his tiny and adorable mind. It’s one of those images I could stare at for hours without getting sick of it! Heeheehee! Just look at it! I’m not crazy! It’s an awesome picture!
All right, moving on. This is one of those features that looks really cool to me, but I bet caused some people to cry. As a friend of mine pointed out, I’m lucky I’m a diehard collector, because that means I actually won’t mind jumping through all those hoops to get all the trophies. I’m also lucky I have someone to play co-op with nearby, because YOU try and explain to your AI partner that you DON’T actually want that enemy dead, just weakened enough to be susceptible to the trophy stand’s effect! Of course, you might just not get an AI partner, but I digress.
Man, I hope Parasect is playable. Spore and False Swipe: a winning combination!
Oh, the Big Primid’s description mentions shadow bugs. Wonder what those are.
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/sbugsvu8.png" alt="My original idea called for Shadow the Hedgehog with a bug's head. I like to think that this will give you more nightmares." />
<strong>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!</strong>
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 4 Meters out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" />
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various20.html"><strong>THURSDAY: Coin Launcher</strong></a>
<em>That was fine and all, but I got to thinking that there really wasn’t any strategy involved.</em>
First of all, let’s all conveniently forget to wonder why, exactly, Sakurai seems to think that trophy-collecting should require strategy to begin with! You forgot? Me too! All right!
This seems like this may or may not be a cool minigame, but it seems like it could fall flat easily. Really, it seems like Bust-A-Move meets Space Invaders meets Resident Evil. And by that I mean “tilt your launcher, blast spaceships, run out of ammo exactly when you need it most”. Hopefully coins will be easier to come by than in Melee, so machinegun tactics aren’t as doomed to failure as you’d think. And also hopefully, this will turn out to be an awesome diversion from the main game that’s addictive in its own right (see: the Gummi Ship in Kingdom Hearts 2) rather than an half-assed tacked-on mess that’s got nothing to do with anything (see: the Gummi Ship in Kingdom Hearts).
Wait! I’m not done yet! This update intrigues me, so I’ve decided to do some in-depth screenshot analysis. So as not to strain our budget, however, I’ll only be covering the first one. Take a look at this…
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/launcherkh9.png" alt="I won't show the screenshot with the missile in it. Too bad, because I really wanted to say how much I hate them in Star Fox Command. And how much I hate Star Fox Command, too." />
On point <strong>1</strong>, you can see the <strong>evil triangles</strong> you’ll be having to blast. I knew those things were always up to no good!
On point <strong>2</strong>, you can see the words “<strong>Bonus Point</strong>“. What could that mean? I have no idea! Those words look out of place and I’m not sure where they’re there. In fact, the only thing they remind me of is how video games have been portrayed on TV until fairly recently. You know, how, when you watched a show in which a character played a video game, it’d always be some dork with an unplugged controller, jerking it left and right and waggling the joystick as if their life depended on it, all to the sweet sound of Atari-era sound effects? And when you actually took a look at the screen, it’d either be some terrifying 8-bit mess or a really generic first-person shooter? And then, somebody else would walk in, ask them what they’re playing, and, without pausing, they’d answer something along the lines of “I’ve got to save princess Sburbia from the evil wizard Walgtron, and to do that I need to slay seventy-eight Trunk Orks so I can collect the magic orange keys to open the door to the desert of Gnarl, but first I need eight million points, and if I die I’ll have to start over and I’ll lose all my newts. BONUS POINT!” See, that last part. That’s the one I’m talking about. The one where the player gets up and screams “BONUS POINT!” for no conceivable reason. The one that makes it clear that TV writers have never played a video game in their entire life. I’m not sure what that’s got to do with the Coin Launcher, though.
Point <strong>3</strong> features a trophy I’m currently unable to identify. All I can make out is a white thing with a red ball on top. A Moogle, maybe?! Or… wait! Of course! It’s <strong>a certain fruit-loving Penny Arcade character</strong>! Whose full name I’m pretty sure I can’t transcribe here.
A sticker I’m also unsure of lies at point <strong>4</strong>. It might be something from Balloon Fight in a really odd position, but I think I should rather put my bet on <strong>that terrifying mutant biomechanical blob from Akira</strong>.
Point <strong>5</strong> is <strong>Sir Kibble</strong> from the Kirby series. …What do you mean, where’s the joke? This is a serious analysis, you know!
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 3 Meters out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" alt="You found the hidden alt-text! Mention it at the counter for fifty cents off every JTT-burger combo meal you purchase." /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" />
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/items/item14.html"><strong>FRIDAY: Dragoon</strong></a>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/wi-fi/wi-fi05.html"><strong>STILL FRIDAY: Sharing</strong></a>
<em>I ask that you take great care not to forget this step.</em>
This item is AWESOME! And it’s from… Kirby’s Air Ride? What? Of all the games… But this is quite interesting, either way. In a way, it’s a bit like another hammer or Smash Ball. I won’t elaborate on how much Sakurai seems to think that item is spicy and hilarious, but it did make me wonder. Are we going to see more items like that? As in, items that take a lot to obtain, but essentially mean a free KO if you get them? Here are my predictions.
<strong>Phazon Beam:</strong> It manifests itself as a puddle of blue, glowing and vaguely electric Phazon goo. By rolling yourself in it, you might just supercharge your character’s power, allowing it to shoot incredibly powerful beams of unstable energy for a short amount of time! But be careful, for it’s also likely that the Phazon will, instead, deteriorate their DNA irreparably, slowly morphing them into abominations that are unable to fight correctly. The effect will seem to disappear if you get KOed, but will unknowingly be passed on to your character’s children. Yoshi might be able to use this strategically, hint hint.
<strong>Arceus:</strong> If you find the Pokeball with Arceus in it… boy, are you in luck! But not quite. You see, since Rayquaza lives in a lake now, it’s obvious that the makers of Brawl are confused about Pokemon. So for some reason, Arceus has been deemed so powerful that his body has been split in five (Arceus the Forbidden One, Left Leg of the Forbidden One and so forth). Instead of having to visit Japan and take part in some obscure event to win one in a giveaway, you’ll have to reunite those five parts instead. If you do, you win the game! I’m not exaggerating. It’ll take you to the post-match screen, and your character will be in first place regardless of what previously happened. And if you’re playing single-player? You immediately skip right to the credits screen.
<strong>The Triforce:</strong> If you reunite all three pieces of the Triforce, the stage will turn into a reflection of your character’s soul, which will be a great advantage to them in some way or another. If Wario grabs it, the stage will turn into nothing but garlic, which is lethal to the touch to everyone except Wario. If Link touches it, everything will go back to the way it was before Ganon came, and his uncle will come back to life. If Kirby touches it, all opponents will perish from diabetes. If Ganondorf (if he’s playable) gets it, trees will get really weird-looking and the awesome Dark World theme will start playing. If the Ice Climb– Okay, you get the idea.
<strong>Metal Gear:</strong> If you’re VERY lucky, you may stumble upon a Codec item that will allow you to communicate with Otacon. From it, Otacon will explain to you how to build your very own Metal Gear using nothing but ordinary items and a multi-million dollar budget. To get the latter, you’ll either need to be playing a coin match or to find the so far unseen “suitcase full of money” item. Once you’ve gathered all the money and items, congratulations! You’re now piloting your very own Metal Gear! Imagine, if you will, Kirby at the commands of a humongous mecha, gleefully shooting nuclear missiles at the battlefield. Hours of fun for the whole family!
<strong>Mega Mushroom:</strong> Oh man, now he’s REALL– you know what? Too obvious.
We’re not done quite yet, as that was a double update! The second part is about… Sharing. I haven’t got a lot to say about that one. I think that’s mostly because I’m a creature of pure evil that seeks to destroy all love, friendship and sharing. That’s secondary to my objective of destroying Petey Piranha and Lucario once and for all, though.
My pure evil aside, wow! I can’t wait to receive pictures from ARGH. In fact, I don’t think I can put into words the joy I’ll feel when I’ll receive his “Diddy Kong with a bunny hood” and “DeDeDe with his mouth open” pictures along with the stage patterned after his wang. It makes me all emotional thinking about it!
But hey, on the bright side, Nintendo can send pictures too, and they’re actually good with those. I know I wouldn’t mind if they sent me that one again and again, myself.
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/modea11_071226b.jpg" alt="You're still surprised, Kirby?!" />
<strong>Ooooooooooooooooh!</strong>
Also, notice how the Wii they’re using the demonstrate appears to have no channels except the game channel and the Mii channel. INTERESTING, ISN’T IT?! (Not that much, no.)
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 4 Meters out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmsky7.png" />
<h1>GAME!</h1>
<strong>1ST PLACE WINNER:</strong> The trophy stands appeal to the collector in me in ways previously thought unimaginable! It’s like they added a delicious new spice, and it’s hard to put into words the joy of capturing enemies just like Pokemon. This is a hot entry, and I hope it has many fans.
<strong>LAST PLACE LOSER:</strong> While I’m thrilled that Waluigi’s story had a happy ending, it’s too bad that Wario will be the only one with a full-on alternate costume. I don’t think that was really a bad update, mind, which goes to show how solid the week was, even if the Christmas update wasn’t really very special.
<strong>THIS WEEK’S OVERALL RATING:</strong> I’m… not sure?
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/christmasmessqm3.png" alt="Arghlebwabblebar." />
Geez, Meter, what am I gonna do with you? (I’m taking suggestions, by the way.) But anyhoo! That’s it for this Japan Time Time! Apologies again for the delay, but that should be the last of them you’ll see for 2007, at least! (Hehehehe.) Here’s hoping the new year and the game being released so soon will mean we’ll be seeing more and more interesting stuff, and that none of us will die from excitement in anticipation from the game!
Tune in next week, as the Dojo starts making “update reruns”, we give a five to Sonic’s re-confirmation, a Weighted Companion Cube assist trophy is revealed and “BONUS POINT!” becomes my new catchphrase! See you soon! BONUS POINT!
