Snot Man
Smash Cadet
Ho ho ho! This Japan Time Time may be a little late, but rest assured, Smash fans, that it makes up for it by doubling up on the holiday cheer! And by this I mean that the rains of blood that would normally plague your lands as the update hits the blog have been replaced by a red and alarmingly salty snow.
This week, we’ll be having a very merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Atheist-Stare-At-Walls-Day, as we discover events to be played with the power of friendship, awkwardly try to dodge major Mother 3 spoilers, and realize that maybe Kirby should eat Squirtle more often, because duuuude! Stay tuned, folks, for an all-new Japan Time Time begins right after this image!
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/item03_070614c.jpg" alt="Suddenly, this old picture takes a whole new relevance!" />
<strong>On more fantastic stages, it is Christmas every day of the year.</strong>
<strong>WEEK #31: December 17th to 21st, 2007</strong>
<strong><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various19.html">MONDAY: Co-op Events</a></strong>
<em>Wow. This is a great game for couples.</em>
H-hey, we’re heterosexual life partners, okay?!
You know what the greatest thing about that update is? That they revealed the return of Coin Matches, but only as a FOOTNOTE. As “One mooooore thing”, if you will. Who played coin matches anyway? Seriously, they’re like bonus matches. I’ve never seen ANYONE play them willingly. No casual player I know would approach Coin Mode. And I’ve never seen my brother watch a totally hardcore combo video set to a Linkin Park song in which a famous Smash player I’ve never heard of plays Coin Mode. You try it out once, you clear that event with Ness and Captain Falcon, and after that you’re DONE.
So yes, they only mentioned it in passing. With the way things are now, there’s nothing stopping them from making a whole update out of that anyway, but I’m optimistic enough to think that they WON’T. And this brings me much cheer. Holiday cheer, more specifically. In fact–
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/christmas228zk2.png" alt="It's BACK, baby!" />
<strong>RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!</strong>
SAINT NICK WHAT IS THAT?! Hey, waaaaait a second…
Oooooh, I see! It seems that due to fan demand, the Manliness-O-Meter has climbed the cliff I threw it off of two weeks ago. Only, it’s been damaged in the process, and now doesn’t measure manliness anymore, but rather Christmas cheer. How incredibly convenient! It doesn’t seem to measure Hanukkah cheer or anything else, but I’ll take what I can get.
Here, the Christmas Meter will measure exactly how happy an update makes me in a Christmaslike way. To clarify, unchristmaslike happiness would be Zero Suit Samus walking through my door to bring club sandwiches and watch Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series with me. Meanwhile, christmaslike happiness would be Samus wearing nothing but a Santa hat walking through my door to bring gingerbread men and watch the Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series Christmas special.
Just checking… nope, dammit.
So, as I was saying, that’s good! I don’t have much to say about co-op target test, but I always liked games with co-op missions. Overall, I really like how, so far, the game has gone out of its way to give two players more to do besides beat up on each other. Because now you may start throwing tomatoes at the filthy casual player, but I kind of find 1-on-1 fights a little <em>boring</em>. Of course, as usual, you probably won’t care much if you don’t have a Player 2 handy, but who’s the one writing this column, again? Hmmm?
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 228 Santas out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/christmas228zk2.png" alt="Sadly, the other guys will not be joining us this time around." />
<strong><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/stages/stage20.html">TUESDAY PART 1: Frigate Orpheon</a></strong>
<strong><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/music/music18.html">TUESDAY PART 2: Mother: Porky’s Theme</a></strong>
<em>For a spaceship that just causes trouble, it sure does have a lot of problems.</em>
I’m not sure how that sentence is supposed to make sense or what it means.
First up for Tuesday is Frigate Orpheon! I’ve seen some complaints that Metroid Prime was being misrepresented here, but I dunno, I like it. Maybe it’s just because I never finished the first game nor played the two others. Why, you’re asking? Because of METROIDS.
I’ve been called a pansy many times because of this, but for some reason I’ve always been deathly afraid of Metroids in Prime. In the 2D games it’s not so bad, because all they really do is hover above your sprite, being a big nuisance to your energy bar and general fighting ability. But in Prime? They latch onto your freaking <strong>FACE</strong>, man! So while playing Prime, it wasn’t uncommon to see this scenario occurring:
<blockquote><strong>Me:</strong> Oh god, no, it’s a Metroid…
<strong>Annoying passerby:</strong> They’re easy to dispatch if you just use the ice beam.
<strong>Me:</strong> Yes, yes, I know that. Okay, okay it hasn’t noticed me. I’ll just stay in this corner and… snipe… Yes… Go, ice beam…
<strong>Annoying passerby:</strong> You missed. It’s easier if you just get up-close.
<strong>Me:</strong> Yes, yes, I know that, but I don’t want it to notice me… Curses! Why do you have to be so slow, ice beam?! –Oh, no, it FOUND ME!
<strong>Annoying passerby:</strong> Just shoot it already, it’s not hard.
<strong>Me:</strong> DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!
<strong>Annoying passerby:</strong> Oh way to go, now you’re out of missiles.
<strong>Me:</strong> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, IT’S ON MY <strong>FACE</strong>!
<strong>Annoying passerby:</strong> Easy, now just roll up and bomb it. Power bomb it if you want rid of it so bad.
<strong>Me:</strong> <strong>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!</strong>
<strong>Annoying passerby:</strong> You are such a pansy. *kicks me in the groin*</blockquote>
Yeah, so that’s why I don’t particularly care about the rest of the series.
Next up is… Porky’s theme, yes. I like that song, and it’s good to know what’ll be playing in New Pork City, but…
Y’know, it’s kind of hard to see Mother 3 discussed these days without seeing some pretty huge spoilers popping up here and there being casually mentioned because so few people care anymore. It’s really too bad, too, because it’s got a pretty great story. Hopefully Lucas being in the game will be the kick needed to get them to release the game here, probably in DS remake form because the GBA is pretty much dead by now. But until then, chances are you’ll probably have stumbled upon every single major plot point described in gory detail. So you know what? I’ll make it easy for you. Sit down. I’m going to tell you everything.
The game opens with <strong>Lucas</strong> and <strong>Claus</strong> in their cozy little cottage surrounded by their family, badass cowboy <strong>Flint</strong>, badass maid <strong>Hinata</strong> and badass dog <strong>Boney</strong>. Their peaceful lives are suddenly interrupted as a meteor falls onto Claus, killing him instantly. Seeking revenge, Flint grabs a two by four, takes Boney with him and goes on a wild adventure throughout the island to find parts to build the <strong>White Ark</strong>, a legendary spaceship he can use to go visit and destroy <strong>Planet Starman</strong>, which shot the meteor that killed his son. Something somewhere goes wrong along the way, however, and Flint goes missing. Not interested in revenge, Lucas goes on a journey to find him, along the way picking up new companions, transforming superhero princess <strong>Kumatora</strong> and homeless guy with a really freaking huge nose <strong>Duster</strong>.
Throughout their adventure, our heroes fight off the hordes of the <strong>Pork Bean Army</strong>, led by a familiar-looking mysterious masked man calling himself <strong>Porky</strong>. Lucas also makes new friends, including the <strong>Mr. Saturns</strong>, the <strong>Runaway Five</strong> and the immortal transvestites, the <strong>Magypsies</strong>, who hint at Lucas’ father actually being a legendary hero. At the climax of the story, Lucas is invited by Porky to a final showdown in <strong>New Pork City</strong>, where he learns through <a href="http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Anvilicious">anvilicious</a> metaphors that all technological advancement is wrong and that everything was way better back when we didn’t have electricity. There, he also comes to realize that his father Flint was in fact the hero <strong>Ninten</strong> and that Porky was his very own dog Boney, avatar of <strong>Giygas</strong>, who lured them both into a trap. Through Ninten’s power, Giygas seeks to awaken the White Ark, actually a <strong>White Dragon</strong>, and use it to destroy the world. Lucas, with Flint’s help, manages to defeat Giygas, and an adult <strong>Ness</strong> emerges of a rip in space-time, screaming that defeating Giygas upset the balance between good and evil.
Then the world ends and everyone dies.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 198 Santas out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/christmas198ed1.png" alt="The reason Master Asia couldn't come is that he's fighting Robot Santa to death atop a volcano." />
<strong><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/items/item13.html">WEDNESDAY: Team Healer</a></strong>
<em>This item has absolutely no relevance for those who normally just play free-for-all brawls.
<font size="3">has absolutely no relevance for those who normally just play free-for-all</font>
<font size="5">absolutely no relevance for those who normally</font>
<font size="6">absolutely no relevance</font></em>
Kidding aside, I don’t mind that much because I like team playing. It might be bothersome using it while playing against human opponents, though, because while it’s okay to notify your teammate that you have the magic heal ball, your opponents, too, understand human speech. Maybe you could speak in code? Speak backwards, maybe? With enough training, you could do it!
<blockquote><strong>Blue 1:</strong> We’ll show you who the REAL Smash masters are, Team Red!
<strong>Blue 2:</strong> With this much damage, you don’t stand a chance!
<strong>Red 1:</strong> Oh no, he’s right!
<strong>Red 2:</strong> Wait! …Relaeh maet eht evah I!
<strong>Red 1:</strong> Ti tog! Revo gnimoc m’I!
<strong>Blue 2:</strong> Thanks for the heal, Team ROTTEN!
<strong>Red 1:</strong> Oh no! How did you figure out our strategy?
<strong>Blue 1:</strong> You started speaking backwards, Team RESOL!
<strong>Red 2:</strong> …Kltpzyxm!
<strong>Red 1:</strong> Red 2? Where’d you go? RED TWOOOOOOO!</blockquote>
Otherwise, eh. Again, good to know they didn’t waste a whole update telling us we could do team battles, at least.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 76 Santas out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/christmas76mn7.png" alt="Hulk Hogan was away filming a remake to Santa with Muscles." />
<strong><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/kirby.html#2nd">THURSDAY: Kirby: Special Moves</a></strong>
<em>He copies his opponent’s ability!</em>
You know, that won’t do. That quote just isn’t wacky enough. …I’ll just take one from Monday instead.
<em>The fact that it isn’t bloodthirsty is nice.</em>
MUCH better.
I’ve been waiting for this update for a long time! Why? To finally know what Kirby Snake would look like, of course! The answer: Terrifying.
But you know, that’s a lot of images. I can’t comment on them all. So instead, I’ll just give the series’ highlights by giving them awards. Yes, that’s right! Awards. I really want to cement in the fact that I’m some kind of lame family-friendly Seanbaby imitator, you see.
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kirby_071220d.jpg" alt="Seriously, Toad does NOT look like he's enjoying this." />
<strong>Most horrifying use of a sentient being:</strong> Peach Kirby!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kirby_071220e.jpg" alt="It took me a while to notice that this is actually the Cutter ability." />
<strong>Most likely not to be using the right sword:</strong> Link Kirby!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kirby_071220g.jpg" alt="I admit, I was guilty of that for a few seconds myself." />
<strong>Most likely to make you do a double take because you swore you just saw evidence of Ness being in:</strong> Diddy Kirby!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kirby_071220k.jpg" alt="I know it's not new, but I never noticed how ludicrously cute it was before." /> <img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kirby_071220l.jpg" alt="Maybe in front it's got badass Squirtle Squad glasses?" />
<strong>Most ridiculously adorable thing ever:</strong> TIE between Donkey Kirby and Squirtle Kirby!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kirby_071220f.jpg" alt="Kirby can't inhale while wearing a hat!... at least not until now." />
<strong>Greatest cause of a space-time paradox:</strong> King Kirby!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kirby_071220h.jpg" alt="I don't know, man. Kirby doesn't look right with a ponytail." /> <img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kirby_071220s.jpg" alt="This is seriously the weirdest thing I have ever seen in my life." />
<strong>Most terrifying on so many levels:</strong> TIE between Zero Suit Kirby and Solid Kirby!
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 181 Santas out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/christmas181vl0.png" alt="I'm sad to say that Mr. T got so addicted to World of Warcraft that he couldn't make it today." />
<strong><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/modea/modea10.html">FRIDAY: Subspace Emissary Movie</a></strong>
<em>Enjoy it like you would a preview at the movies!</em>
THIS SUMMER… ONE MAN…
Wait, wait. You don’t know this yet, but I did that joke before. I have to come up with something else. Maybe I could actually talk about the movie? Man, that’s BORING.
This is really pretty awesome, I gotta say. Some old footage neatly mixed in with some new gameplay and cutscene footage (and if you say you saw it at E for All I will bring a painful and untimely demise unto your FACE)! Plus, it features Bowser and Wario holding what my brother aptly described as a “Bowser Gun”, which is what I will be referring it to as from now on if they don’t reveal its true name soon. I’m hoping we’ll be able to use those things, too, because duuude.
Aside from that, not much new in there, but I’m glad to see that they went out of their way to do original content for the Dojo instead of making yet another update about menus. A friend of mine assured me he caught a glimpse of Captain Falcon in there, and even showed me a screenshot to support this, but I’m afraid I didn’t make it out clearly. But you know what? In the name of SSB fans everywhere, I will check this movie, frame by frame, to find the vital piece of evidence we need to <strong>turn this whole case around</strong>.
All right, let’s see…
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/falcon1ue7.png" alt="I can't think of what to write here! You feel ripped off now, huh?" />
<strong>Hey, there he is! On the bridge of the Halberd! Who knew this was right under our noses all along? That’s all it took! …What do you mean, too small? Oh, all right. Let’s see what else there is…</strong>
<p align="center"> </p>
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/falcon2uh9.png" alt="It's in that scene that the actual Falcon sighting was reported. I guess I can't deny that this is pretty close to his color scheme, but I do wish I knew what was going on there." />
<strong>Wait! Wait! Isn’t that his distinctive color scheme? I still can’t tell what’s going on here, but it’s clear that it involves lasers and action. Go get ‘em, Falcon! …Huh? Still not clear? Gee, you guys are harsh.</strong>
<p align="center"> </p>
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/falcon3vj5.png" alt="I really hope no one comments saying 'That's not an actual screenshot you just took a picture of Captain Falcon and put it in' because then I will cry." />
<strong>OH! There he is, clear as day! Mission accomplished, folks!</strong>
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 245 Santas out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/christmas245ol6.png" alt="Chuck Norris promised to come, but he'll only be able to after he's done delivering presents to all good children on Earth in a single night." />
<h1>GAME!</h1>
<strong>1ST PLACE WINNER:</strong> That trailer wasn’t really anything new, nor was it really anything in particular, but it was a great way to end the week. Just seeing the Bowser Gun fills me with Christmas cheer!
<strong>LAST PLACE LOSER:</strong> I’m not a big fan of speaking backwards. It requires me to use my brain in ways that I’m pretty sure are illegal and not good for my health. Besides, it’s like a heart piece that you throw. That hardly fills my definition of a jolly update!
<strong>THIS WEEK’S OVERALL RATING:</strong> 186 Santas out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/christmas186pg4.png" alt="And while Kamina is awesome, I'm not sure he knows what Christmas is." />
Well, folks! I don’t know when this update will be going live, but at the time of writing this we still don’t know what December 25st’s update will bring. Will Sakurai’s black lump of coal that passes for a heart grow three times its original size and make him give us a great update in celebration, or will he just post an update about double-jumps then show up in the middle of the night to steal your Christmas tree? Who knows!
I wouldn’t hold my breath myself because in Japan, Christmas is a “Eh, it’s Christmas” holiday, but shut up! Tune in next week as we witness the touching reunion of the Wario Brothers, comment on the newly-playable Santa Claus and watch the Subspace Emissary cutscene where Peach dies! Until then, Merry Christmas, happy December 25th if you don’t celebrate, drink responsibly, be safe on the road and make sure to properly pretend to be happy when you get a really crappy DS game from your grandma!
This week, we’ll be having a very merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Atheist-Stare-At-Walls-Day, as we discover events to be played with the power of friendship, awkwardly try to dodge major Mother 3 spoilers, and realize that maybe Kirby should eat Squirtle more often, because duuuude! Stay tuned, folks, for an all-new Japan Time Time begins right after this image!
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/item03_070614c.jpg" alt="Suddenly, this old picture takes a whole new relevance!" />
<strong>On more fantastic stages, it is Christmas every day of the year.</strong>
<strong>WEEK #31: December 17th to 21st, 2007</strong>
<strong><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various19.html">MONDAY: Co-op Events</a></strong>
<em>Wow. This is a great game for couples.</em>
H-hey, we’re heterosexual life partners, okay?!
You know what the greatest thing about that update is? That they revealed the return of Coin Matches, but only as a FOOTNOTE. As “One mooooore thing”, if you will. Who played coin matches anyway? Seriously, they’re like bonus matches. I’ve never seen ANYONE play them willingly. No casual player I know would approach Coin Mode. And I’ve never seen my brother watch a totally hardcore combo video set to a Linkin Park song in which a famous Smash player I’ve never heard of plays Coin Mode. You try it out once, you clear that event with Ness and Captain Falcon, and after that you’re DONE.
So yes, they only mentioned it in passing. With the way things are now, there’s nothing stopping them from making a whole update out of that anyway, but I’m optimistic enough to think that they WON’T. And this brings me much cheer. Holiday cheer, more specifically. In fact–
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/christmas228zk2.png" alt="It's BACK, baby!" />
<strong>RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!</strong>
SAINT NICK WHAT IS THAT?! Hey, waaaaait a second…
Oooooh, I see! It seems that due to fan demand, the Manliness-O-Meter has climbed the cliff I threw it off of two weeks ago. Only, it’s been damaged in the process, and now doesn’t measure manliness anymore, but rather Christmas cheer. How incredibly convenient! It doesn’t seem to measure Hanukkah cheer or anything else, but I’ll take what I can get.
Here, the Christmas Meter will measure exactly how happy an update makes me in a Christmaslike way. To clarify, unchristmaslike happiness would be Zero Suit Samus walking through my door to bring club sandwiches and watch Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series with me. Meanwhile, christmaslike happiness would be Samus wearing nothing but a Santa hat walking through my door to bring gingerbread men and watch the Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series Christmas special.
Just checking… nope, dammit.
So, as I was saying, that’s good! I don’t have much to say about co-op target test, but I always liked games with co-op missions. Overall, I really like how, so far, the game has gone out of its way to give two players more to do besides beat up on each other. Because now you may start throwing tomatoes at the filthy casual player, but I kind of find 1-on-1 fights a little <em>boring</em>. Of course, as usual, you probably won’t care much if you don’t have a Player 2 handy, but who’s the one writing this column, again? Hmmm?
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 228 Santas out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/christmas228zk2.png" alt="Sadly, the other guys will not be joining us this time around." />
<strong><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/stages/stage20.html">TUESDAY PART 1: Frigate Orpheon</a></strong>
<strong><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/music/music18.html">TUESDAY PART 2: Mother: Porky’s Theme</a></strong>
<em>For a spaceship that just causes trouble, it sure does have a lot of problems.</em>
I’m not sure how that sentence is supposed to make sense or what it means.
First up for Tuesday is Frigate Orpheon! I’ve seen some complaints that Metroid Prime was being misrepresented here, but I dunno, I like it. Maybe it’s just because I never finished the first game nor played the two others. Why, you’re asking? Because of METROIDS.
I’ve been called a pansy many times because of this, but for some reason I’ve always been deathly afraid of Metroids in Prime. In the 2D games it’s not so bad, because all they really do is hover above your sprite, being a big nuisance to your energy bar and general fighting ability. But in Prime? They latch onto your freaking <strong>FACE</strong>, man! So while playing Prime, it wasn’t uncommon to see this scenario occurring:
<blockquote><strong>Me:</strong> Oh god, no, it’s a Metroid…
<strong>Annoying passerby:</strong> They’re easy to dispatch if you just use the ice beam.
<strong>Me:</strong> Yes, yes, I know that. Okay, okay it hasn’t noticed me. I’ll just stay in this corner and… snipe… Yes… Go, ice beam…
<strong>Annoying passerby:</strong> You missed. It’s easier if you just get up-close.
<strong>Me:</strong> Yes, yes, I know that, but I don’t want it to notice me… Curses! Why do you have to be so slow, ice beam?! –Oh, no, it FOUND ME!
<strong>Annoying passerby:</strong> Just shoot it already, it’s not hard.
<strong>Me:</strong> DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!
<strong>Annoying passerby:</strong> Oh way to go, now you’re out of missiles.
<strong>Me:</strong> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, IT’S ON MY <strong>FACE</strong>!
<strong>Annoying passerby:</strong> Easy, now just roll up and bomb it. Power bomb it if you want rid of it so bad.
<strong>Me:</strong> <strong>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!</strong>
<strong>Annoying passerby:</strong> You are such a pansy. *kicks me in the groin*</blockquote>
Yeah, so that’s why I don’t particularly care about the rest of the series.
Next up is… Porky’s theme, yes. I like that song, and it’s good to know what’ll be playing in New Pork City, but…
Y’know, it’s kind of hard to see Mother 3 discussed these days without seeing some pretty huge spoilers popping up here and there being casually mentioned because so few people care anymore. It’s really too bad, too, because it’s got a pretty great story. Hopefully Lucas being in the game will be the kick needed to get them to release the game here, probably in DS remake form because the GBA is pretty much dead by now. But until then, chances are you’ll probably have stumbled upon every single major plot point described in gory detail. So you know what? I’ll make it easy for you. Sit down. I’m going to tell you everything.
The game opens with <strong>Lucas</strong> and <strong>Claus</strong> in their cozy little cottage surrounded by their family, badass cowboy <strong>Flint</strong>, badass maid <strong>Hinata</strong> and badass dog <strong>Boney</strong>. Their peaceful lives are suddenly interrupted as a meteor falls onto Claus, killing him instantly. Seeking revenge, Flint grabs a two by four, takes Boney with him and goes on a wild adventure throughout the island to find parts to build the <strong>White Ark</strong>, a legendary spaceship he can use to go visit and destroy <strong>Planet Starman</strong>, which shot the meteor that killed his son. Something somewhere goes wrong along the way, however, and Flint goes missing. Not interested in revenge, Lucas goes on a journey to find him, along the way picking up new companions, transforming superhero princess <strong>Kumatora</strong> and homeless guy with a really freaking huge nose <strong>Duster</strong>.
Throughout their adventure, our heroes fight off the hordes of the <strong>Pork Bean Army</strong>, led by a familiar-looking mysterious masked man calling himself <strong>Porky</strong>. Lucas also makes new friends, including the <strong>Mr. Saturns</strong>, the <strong>Runaway Five</strong> and the immortal transvestites, the <strong>Magypsies</strong>, who hint at Lucas’ father actually being a legendary hero. At the climax of the story, Lucas is invited by Porky to a final showdown in <strong>New Pork City</strong>, where he learns through <a href="http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Anvilicious">anvilicious</a> metaphors that all technological advancement is wrong and that everything was way better back when we didn’t have electricity. There, he also comes to realize that his father Flint was in fact the hero <strong>Ninten</strong> and that Porky was his very own dog Boney, avatar of <strong>Giygas</strong>, who lured them both into a trap. Through Ninten’s power, Giygas seeks to awaken the White Ark, actually a <strong>White Dragon</strong>, and use it to destroy the world. Lucas, with Flint’s help, manages to defeat Giygas, and an adult <strong>Ness</strong> emerges of a rip in space-time, screaming that defeating Giygas upset the balance between good and evil.
Then the world ends and everyone dies.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 198 Santas out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/christmas198ed1.png" alt="The reason Master Asia couldn't come is that he's fighting Robot Santa to death atop a volcano." />
<strong><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/items/item13.html">WEDNESDAY: Team Healer</a></strong>
<em>This item has absolutely no relevance for those who normally just play free-for-all brawls.
<font size="3">has absolutely no relevance for those who normally just play free-for-all</font>
<font size="5">absolutely no relevance for those who normally</font>
<font size="6">absolutely no relevance</font></em>
Kidding aside, I don’t mind that much because I like team playing. It might be bothersome using it while playing against human opponents, though, because while it’s okay to notify your teammate that you have the magic heal ball, your opponents, too, understand human speech. Maybe you could speak in code? Speak backwards, maybe? With enough training, you could do it!
<blockquote><strong>Blue 1:</strong> We’ll show you who the REAL Smash masters are, Team Red!
<strong>Blue 2:</strong> With this much damage, you don’t stand a chance!
<strong>Red 1:</strong> Oh no, he’s right!
<strong>Red 2:</strong> Wait! …Relaeh maet eht evah I!
<strong>Red 1:</strong> Ti tog! Revo gnimoc m’I!
<strong>Blue 2:</strong> Thanks for the heal, Team ROTTEN!
<strong>Red 1:</strong> Oh no! How did you figure out our strategy?
<strong>Blue 1:</strong> You started speaking backwards, Team RESOL!
<strong>Red 2:</strong> …Kltpzyxm!
<strong>Red 1:</strong> Red 2? Where’d you go? RED TWOOOOOOO!</blockquote>
Otherwise, eh. Again, good to know they didn’t waste a whole update telling us we could do team battles, at least.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 76 Santas out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/christmas76mn7.png" alt="Hulk Hogan was away filming a remake to Santa with Muscles." />
<strong><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/kirby.html#2nd">THURSDAY: Kirby: Special Moves</a></strong>
<em>He copies his opponent’s ability!</em>
You know, that won’t do. That quote just isn’t wacky enough. …I’ll just take one from Monday instead.
<em>The fact that it isn’t bloodthirsty is nice.</em>
MUCH better.
I’ve been waiting for this update for a long time! Why? To finally know what Kirby Snake would look like, of course! The answer: Terrifying.
But you know, that’s a lot of images. I can’t comment on them all. So instead, I’ll just give the series’ highlights by giving them awards. Yes, that’s right! Awards. I really want to cement in the fact that I’m some kind of lame family-friendly Seanbaby imitator, you see.
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kirby_071220d.jpg" alt="Seriously, Toad does NOT look like he's enjoying this." />
<strong>Most horrifying use of a sentient being:</strong> Peach Kirby!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kirby_071220e.jpg" alt="It took me a while to notice that this is actually the Cutter ability." />
<strong>Most likely not to be using the right sword:</strong> Link Kirby!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kirby_071220g.jpg" alt="I admit, I was guilty of that for a few seconds myself." />
<strong>Most likely to make you do a double take because you swore you just saw evidence of Ness being in:</strong> Diddy Kirby!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kirby_071220k.jpg" alt="I know it's not new, but I never noticed how ludicrously cute it was before." /> <img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kirby_071220l.jpg" alt="Maybe in front it's got badass Squirtle Squad glasses?" />
<strong>Most ridiculously adorable thing ever:</strong> TIE between Donkey Kirby and Squirtle Kirby!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kirby_071220f.jpg" alt="Kirby can't inhale while wearing a hat!... at least not until now." />
<strong>Greatest cause of a space-time paradox:</strong> King Kirby!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kirby_071220h.jpg" alt="I don't know, man. Kirby doesn't look right with a ponytail." /> <img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kirby_071220s.jpg" alt="This is seriously the weirdest thing I have ever seen in my life." />
<strong>Most terrifying on so many levels:</strong> TIE between Zero Suit Kirby and Solid Kirby!
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 181 Santas out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/christmas181vl0.png" alt="I'm sad to say that Mr. T got so addicted to World of Warcraft that he couldn't make it today." />
<strong><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/modea/modea10.html">FRIDAY: Subspace Emissary Movie</a></strong>
<em>Enjoy it like you would a preview at the movies!</em>
THIS SUMMER… ONE MAN…
Wait, wait. You don’t know this yet, but I did that joke before. I have to come up with something else. Maybe I could actually talk about the movie? Man, that’s BORING.
This is really pretty awesome, I gotta say. Some old footage neatly mixed in with some new gameplay and cutscene footage (and if you say you saw it at E for All I will bring a painful and untimely demise unto your FACE)! Plus, it features Bowser and Wario holding what my brother aptly described as a “Bowser Gun”, which is what I will be referring it to as from now on if they don’t reveal its true name soon. I’m hoping we’ll be able to use those things, too, because duuude.
Aside from that, not much new in there, but I’m glad to see that they went out of their way to do original content for the Dojo instead of making yet another update about menus. A friend of mine assured me he caught a glimpse of Captain Falcon in there, and even showed me a screenshot to support this, but I’m afraid I didn’t make it out clearly. But you know what? In the name of SSB fans everywhere, I will check this movie, frame by frame, to find the vital piece of evidence we need to <strong>turn this whole case around</strong>.
All right, let’s see…
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/falcon1ue7.png" alt="I can't think of what to write here! You feel ripped off now, huh?" />
<strong>Hey, there he is! On the bridge of the Halberd! Who knew this was right under our noses all along? That’s all it took! …What do you mean, too small? Oh, all right. Let’s see what else there is…</strong>
<p align="center"> </p>
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/falcon2uh9.png" alt="It's in that scene that the actual Falcon sighting was reported. I guess I can't deny that this is pretty close to his color scheme, but I do wish I knew what was going on there." />
<strong>Wait! Wait! Isn’t that his distinctive color scheme? I still can’t tell what’s going on here, but it’s clear that it involves lasers and action. Go get ‘em, Falcon! …Huh? Still not clear? Gee, you guys are harsh.</strong>
<p align="center"> </p>
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/falcon3vj5.png" alt="I really hope no one comments saying 'That's not an actual screenshot you just took a picture of Captain Falcon and put it in' because then I will cry." />
<strong>OH! There he is, clear as day! Mission accomplished, folks!</strong>
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 245 Santas out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/christmas245ol6.png" alt="Chuck Norris promised to come, but he'll only be able to after he's done delivering presents to all good children on Earth in a single night." />
<h1>GAME!</h1>
<strong>1ST PLACE WINNER:</strong> That trailer wasn’t really anything new, nor was it really anything in particular, but it was a great way to end the week. Just seeing the Bowser Gun fills me with Christmas cheer!
<strong>LAST PLACE LOSER:</strong> I’m not a big fan of speaking backwards. It requires me to use my brain in ways that I’m pretty sure are illegal and not good for my health. Besides, it’s like a heart piece that you throw. That hardly fills my definition of a jolly update!
<strong>THIS WEEK’S OVERALL RATING:</strong> 186 Santas out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/christmas186pg4.png" alt="And while Kamina is awesome, I'm not sure he knows what Christmas is." />
Well, folks! I don’t know when this update will be going live, but at the time of writing this we still don’t know what December 25st’s update will bring. Will Sakurai’s black lump of coal that passes for a heart grow three times its original size and make him give us a great update in celebration, or will he just post an update about double-jumps then show up in the middle of the night to steal your Christmas tree? Who knows!
I wouldn’t hold my breath myself because in Japan, Christmas is a “Eh, it’s Christmas” holiday, but shut up! Tune in next week as we witness the touching reunion of the Wario Brothers, comment on the newly-playable Santa Claus and watch the Subspace Emissary cutscene where Peach dies! Until then, Merry Christmas, happy December 25th if you don’t celebrate, drink responsibly, be safe on the road and make sure to properly pretend to be happy when you get a really crappy DS game from your grandma!
