Snot Man
Smash Cadet
I’m Snot Man, of Japan Time Time, fan of the “Super Smash Bros.” series of fighting games featuring Nintendo’s most popular characters. Hello.
(Note: Japan Time Time is the name of the column I will be writing.)
Why is it called Japan Time Time? That’s a secret… for now.
The purpose of Japan Time Time will be to toss journalistic integrity out the window for a few minutes and just poke fun at what we’ve seen last week on the Smash Bros. Dojo. It’s not the most original of formats, but it is truly my wish that you enjoy it. Hopefully I will not steal anyone’s jokes by accident.
Rest assured that I will not try to impersonate the Dojo’s writing like that all the time. All that politeness and constant line-breaking are killing me.
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To clarify what this is going to be all about, here’s a list. Read it first before plunging into the world of madness that lies beyond!
<ul>
<li>Japan Time Time’s opinions do not reflect in any way that of the Smash Blog editorial staff, nor yours or anybody else’s. Japan Time Time’s opinions are unique and totally weird, much like snowflakes. If you disagree with Japan Time Time’s opinion, keep in mind that it is probably just kidding.</li>
<li>The goal of this column is to review Smash Dojo entries and give them a score ranked from 1 to 5, but the number will sometimes appear to have nothing to do with what you just read. Don’t panic. Either I was lying in my review, or I just threw a dice and subtracted one for each entry.</li>
<li>I go on tangents a lot. I may sometimes spend most of a review talking about something completely unrelated! When this happens, the best course of action is to read anyway and hope you know what I’m even talking about. Doing anything else would probably hurt my feelings.</li>
<li>In the same vein, sometimes I write very long sentences. This is less intentional because it’s usually more confusing than entertaining, so I’m trying to fix that bad habit.</li>
<li>I don’t hang out around the Smash Boards forums a lot at all. This may change in the future, but for now, consider that my only real knowledge of this community is through the blog. And even then, I don’t read it religiously. So if I completely steal a joke from someone else’s humor column about the Smash Dojo, consider it coincidental!</li>
<li>Whee, it’s time for me to go on a wacky nonsequitur to end this list nicely! … Eh, I got nothing.</li>
</ul>
All right, that’s it for now. Everyone ready? All right! Buckle up and get ready for the thrills of…
<strong>WEEK #27: November 19th to 23rd, 2007</strong>
<strong>MONDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/iceclimbers.html#3rd"><strong>Ice Climbers: Final Smash</strong></a>
<em>Now that’s just cold!</em>
All right. This is it. My first update here. I’ve got to make a good first impression. Wow everyone with my writing skills. What to do, what to do … …
Oh, I know!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/awesomeicebergvertyj4.png" alt="The great thing is that you guys don't know it's the third time I use this joke." />
Now that those who stay around the respectable corners of the Internet are left wondering what that was all about, I can discuss this update in more detail.
You know, this is what the Wonder Twins should have done all along. –What? You don’t know who the Wonder Twins are? I probably shouldn’t either, since Superfriends aired before I was born, but this is the Internet. Either Google it or pretend you’re getting the reference. Where was I, now? Oh yes. This is what the Wonder Twins should have done all along. Skip the stuff about turning into an eagle and a puddle. Zan turning into a freaking ICEBERG would have solved pretty much every problem those guys ever had, except maybe saving innocent lives on a so-called “unsinkable” ship. Jayna could pick any animal for all I care. It would just be a bonus. Maybe a polar bear? Eh.
But now that Popo and Nana can do this, does this mean they’re actually playable? I mean, I’m sure there are people out there who could finish the 15,000-man Melee with those guys without taking damage, but I’m not one of those people. I was one of those who was actively looking for a second beam saber while someone else was busy destroying me. So now, instead, I’ll run around New Pork City looking for a second beam saber, PULVERIZE all my enemies and then sigh because I still can’t dual-wield. Perfect!
Oh, and it might be a little unbalanced, too. I’m not here to figure these things out, unless I can’t think of anything else to write about. Just clarifying things.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>TUESDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various13.html"><strong>Training</strong></a>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/items/item12.html"><strong>Smart Bomb</strong></a>
<em>Pssssssst.</em>
Look! It’s Training Mode! It’s back! Phew, I was afraid they’d take it out. Why? Because it’s my only resort left, aside from turning all items but Beam Sabers off and setting them on Very High. Aside from that, it’s not very exciting at all. I always found training mode a lot more useful in, say, any given other fighting game ever. It’s a lot easier to master “Up+B” than “3/4s of a Circle Forward While in the Air + LK, HK, HP, 3/4s of a Circle Counterclockwise from the Top, PK, eat controller”. I can see myself practicing that one move all evening until I run out of controllers, but I don’t think I’ve ever spent more than two minutes in Smash’s training mode before, ever. I learned to play Smash by being destroyed by Kirby back when he was broken, getting up, then pressing Up+B to see what it did! And then I ate my controller out of habit. And I liked it that way! Pfah, kids these days.
Of course, I guess I could play Training Mode a bit just to kick that soccer ball around. …Wait, soccer ball?
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/soccerballpn7.png" alt="Even Mario's mugshot is confused!" />
…
Wait…
Where have I seen that before?
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/megamansoccerqm0.png" alt="I think Dr. Wily didn't do that to take over the world so much as because he secretly likes soccer." />
<strong>!!!</strong>
Moving on… it’s the Smart Bomb! I didn’t know they made those in handheld format, but I guess you can do anything you want those things. I mean, they’re set to only detonate when launched from an aircraft and not, say, when flown into at high speed. But hey, that’s neat! Item from Star Fox! What’s next? Double Lasers, which allow you to dual-wield any other item? I’d have to find a third and fourth beam sword for the Ice Climbers, though. Wing Repair, which repairs damaged wings and makes characters without them feel like they wasted their time? Prince Tricky, who can be thrown off the stage but still reappears to follow you around? The possibilities are endless.
This is also one of the few times I’m actually glad I watched an E for All gameplay video. I think the bomb’s explosion actually looks much neater in action than what the screenshots suggest. What can I say? I’m a simple guy who likes pretty and large explosions.
Oh, and that dud Electrode. Doesn’t it look sad? All it wanted was to explode.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>WEDNESDAY</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/howto/technique/technique08.html"><strong>Color changes</strong></a>
<em>The Dark Fox. That’s pretty cool.</em>
Oh boy! New colors! I’ve gotta say I was wishing for more honest-to-goodness model changes like Pikachu’s hats, but I’ll take what I can get. Plus, the news color schemes are still quite snazzy. Featuring such highlights as:
<strong>Fire Mario!</strong> Suddenly, it makes sense that Mario can shoot fireballs out of his hands without holding a fire flower. This reminds me. Why do Fire Flowers work differently, anyway? And since when could Mario shoot flames through nothing but the power of his will? I know he could do that in Super Mario RPG, at least, but he did it using Flower Points. Has he managed to absorb the flowers’ magic powers into his body, granting him supernatural abilities no ordinary man could ever hope to wield? Thus, whenever he has to actually become Fire Mario in newer games, he’s just holding back his true power in order to make things more exciting? Dang, Mario is more extreme than I thought.
<strong>Wario Mario!</strong> That one’s not new, but it amuses me. Wario is IN THE GAME, now. There’s no reason to steal his color scheme anymore, just like there’s no reason to steal Luigi’s. But come to think of it, Wario doesn’t really seem to be USING it anymore…
<strong>Eddie the Mean Old Yeti!</strong> No, seriously. Just look at him.
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/eddieyetihf5.png" alt="Eddie, have we got a deal, Eddie?" />
I like to think that I just triggered several traumatizing flashbacks.
<strong>Dark Link!</strong> Suddenly, every single Link player on Earth chooses a new favorite color scheme.
<strong>The Fusion Suit!</strong> It’s there! In all its ugly glory! Seriously, it’s so ugly that Nintendo now won’t dare make new games in which Samus is stuck in it. That’s my personal theory, anyway. …Heeeeey, wait. That’s not a Fusion Suit! It’s just a Varia Suit painted to look like one!
<strong>The Dark Fox!</strong> Um, does Fox turn evil in Star Fox Command? I don’t know, I didn’t play that game. Or maybe every Nintendo character has a Dark counterpart of some sort. That WOULD make sense. I think we’ve seen most of them so far already, at least.
<strong>Pikachu w/ Goggles!</strong> Oh wow, the next Digimon season is gonna be something else. …heeeey, wait. Didn’t someone else use to wear those? … … YES! YEEEEEEEEEESSS! WE’RE FINALLY RID OF HIM! YESSSSS! GIVE ME A HUG!
<strong>Original Zelda!</strong> Okay.
<strong>Goth Zelda!</strong> Much better!
<strong>Gold Pit!</strong> I guess it’s the next best thing to him using all those snazzy treasures.
<strong>Fallen Angel Pit!</strong> The evidence keeps piling up.
<strong>Ordinary Soldier Ike!</strong> Haha, Ike is cannon fodder, now! Expandable, repairable, replaceable cannon fodder! …Or not… Damn you, Fire Emblem, DAMN YOU! I’VE BEEN PLAYING THAT MISSION FOR AN HOUR! HE CAN’T DIE NOW!
<strong>Snake in his dad’s old clothes!</strong> Now people are going to confuse Solid Snake and Naked Snake even more than before! Remember, everyone. It’s easy to tell the difference even though they’re practically identical and have the same voice actor. Solid Snake has cigarettes. Naked Snake has cigars. Jake Snake does too, but he’s easier to recognize because he sets people on fire and has lasers.
If Ness gets a Dark Ness color scheme, I think my theory will be proven. …if he’s in the game, at least.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>THURSDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/items/assist/assist12.html"><strong>Saki Amamiya</strong></a>
<em>As with the original title, he speaks in English.</em>
Okay.
This is a little awkward. I never played Sin and Punishment. In fact, I hadn’t ever heard of it before it went up on the Virtual Console, and a huge fuss was made because it was previously Japan-only. Hm. Maybe I should play it before commenting on this update? Yes, I should do that in the name of journalistic integrity! All right, everyone. I’m downloading it off the Virtual Console right now. Just for YOU. Okay, done…
<strong><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/castle1et6.png" alt="Yes, it's actually Castlevania 2. Shhh." />
All right, let’s see what this is all about. I skipped the intro and title screen. I’m sure there wasn’t anything really interesting there anyway. Wow. Pretty primitive graphics, even for a N64 game. But I’m a Nintendo fan, I don’t judge by graphics. … This town is boring. I’m outta here.</strong>
<strong><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/castle2sa9.png" alt="Yes, the Angry Video Nerd did that before me. It's a reference! Not stolen humor!" />
Oh, cool music. This might be a nice game after all. Wait. What’s this about a curse? Who’s cursed? Who’s there? Why did you pause the action to tell me that so slowly? And where did that really sweet BGM go?</strong>
<strong><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/castle3dd0.png" alt="Yes, I'm being bad at this game on purpose. ... What?" />
Argh! Stupid werewolves, jumping on my head! What’s this, Bizarro Nintendo? I’m supposed to jump on your head, not the other way around! And don’t tell me THAT won’t work either? Okay. Three strikes, game. You’re out.</strong>
So it looks like Sin and Punishment isn’t the game for me. Sorry! But apparently, other people found it pretty cool, Saki looks pretty neat, and if the blog is to be believed, lots of people clamored for his appearance.
…
Wait.
<strong>HIS?!</strong>
<em>H-he has absolutely no problem fitting in!</em>
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" alt="Lucky you! You found this week's special Smash Icon with an alternate text!" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>FRIDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/howto/basic/basic09.html"><strong>Charged Special Moves</strong></a>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/lucas.html#3rd"><strong>Lucas: Final Smash</strong></a>
<em>P…K….</em>
First up is… an update about charged attacks. All involving characters who have been there since the first game in the series. Words fail me. I need to find a way to express how much I hate those Smash 101 updates. I need to take my anger out on SOMETHING. …Hey, I know! Pikachu, I choose you!
<em>Seventeen hours of neglectful training later…</em>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/pikachury9.png" alt="I actually just had him poisoned, but nothing you fight has Poison Sting before you beat Brock!" />
<strong>Ha ha! I made Pikachu cry!</strong>
Yes, only a Smash 101 update could drive me to such inhuman acts! Luckily, it was paired off with something else. What was that, now? Hmmm…
…
Wait.
Lucas can’t use Starstorm! That’s impossible! Impossible, I say! No! Nooo! NOOOOOOOO!! WHY, LUCAS, WHYYYY?!
What? What do you mean, overreacting? Don’t you understand the implications? Think about it a little. Yes! Yes, that’s it! If Lucas is using Starstorm as his ultimate move, this means that <strong>Poo won’t be playable</strong>! Poo is one of the only two Starstorm users I know of (Lucas NOT being the other one), and this is easily his best move ever. A shoe-in for a Final Smash, in fact. But if Lucas goes and steals it, this means… this means that the game’s developers have made up their mind! Poo will not have a Final Smash, and thus he won’t be playable! Curse you, Sakurai! This update is a piece of… of… of POO!
Oh, and I guess the fact that they didn’t use Lucas’ most obvious choice of move for a Final Smash means they either didn’t know how to deal with the fact that its name is user-generated, or didn’t want him to steal the thunder from another character with a very similar ultimate move. Wonder who that could be, though…
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" />
<h1>GAME!</h1>
<strong>1ST PLACE WINNER:</strong> Loads of 3-iconers! If I had to pick one, and I do, I’d go with the last one, the one with Starstorm in it. It didn’t particularly stand out, but the fuel for tinfoil hat conspiracy theories for Ness returning to the roster could’ve made it worth the while juuuuust a little!
<strong>LAST PLACE LOSER:</strong> Even though it was a double update, the Smart Bomb/Training Mode combo sort of blew… UP! Hahahahahahaha. Oh yeah.
A very very average week, overall. The fact that all but one update got 3 icons out of 5 wasn’t done on purpose! Rather, I blame that on pretty much every update being neither particularly groundbreaking nor depressing. Hopefully next week will have more to rant and rave about.
<strong>THIS WEEK’S OVERALL RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" />
And that’s a wrap for this week! I hope almost everyone had fun reading this. I’d say “everyone”, but “almost everyone” seems like a more realistic objective. Tune in next week as we cover Dr. Mario’s dramatic reappearance, the mysterious SNES Mouse item, and the new Virtual Boy-Vision game mode! Until then, be sure to check your Virtual Console downloads twice, or you could be sorry!
(Note: Japan Time Time is the name of the column I will be writing.)
Why is it called Japan Time Time? That’s a secret… for now.
The purpose of Japan Time Time will be to toss journalistic integrity out the window for a few minutes and just poke fun at what we’ve seen last week on the Smash Bros. Dojo. It’s not the most original of formats, but it is truly my wish that you enjoy it. Hopefully I will not steal anyone’s jokes by accident.
Rest assured that I will not try to impersonate the Dojo’s writing like that all the time. All that politeness and constant line-breaking are killing me.
<!--more-->
To clarify what this is going to be all about, here’s a list. Read it first before plunging into the world of madness that lies beyond!
<ul>
<li>Japan Time Time’s opinions do not reflect in any way that of the Smash Blog editorial staff, nor yours or anybody else’s. Japan Time Time’s opinions are unique and totally weird, much like snowflakes. If you disagree with Japan Time Time’s opinion, keep in mind that it is probably just kidding.</li>
<li>The goal of this column is to review Smash Dojo entries and give them a score ranked from 1 to 5, but the number will sometimes appear to have nothing to do with what you just read. Don’t panic. Either I was lying in my review, or I just threw a dice and subtracted one for each entry.</li>
<li>I go on tangents a lot. I may sometimes spend most of a review talking about something completely unrelated! When this happens, the best course of action is to read anyway and hope you know what I’m even talking about. Doing anything else would probably hurt my feelings.</li>
<li>In the same vein, sometimes I write very long sentences. This is less intentional because it’s usually more confusing than entertaining, so I’m trying to fix that bad habit.</li>
<li>I don’t hang out around the Smash Boards forums a lot at all. This may change in the future, but for now, consider that my only real knowledge of this community is through the blog. And even then, I don’t read it religiously. So if I completely steal a joke from someone else’s humor column about the Smash Dojo, consider it coincidental!</li>
<li>Whee, it’s time for me to go on a wacky nonsequitur to end this list nicely! … Eh, I got nothing.</li>
</ul>
All right, that’s it for now. Everyone ready? All right! Buckle up and get ready for the thrills of…
<strong>WEEK #27: November 19th to 23rd, 2007</strong>
<strong>MONDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/iceclimbers.html#3rd"><strong>Ice Climbers: Final Smash</strong></a>
<em>Now that’s just cold!</em>
All right. This is it. My first update here. I’ve got to make a good first impression. Wow everyone with my writing skills. What to do, what to do … …
Oh, I know!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/awesomeicebergvertyj4.png" alt="The great thing is that you guys don't know it's the third time I use this joke." />
Now that those who stay around the respectable corners of the Internet are left wondering what that was all about, I can discuss this update in more detail.
You know, this is what the Wonder Twins should have done all along. –What? You don’t know who the Wonder Twins are? I probably shouldn’t either, since Superfriends aired before I was born, but this is the Internet. Either Google it or pretend you’re getting the reference. Where was I, now? Oh yes. This is what the Wonder Twins should have done all along. Skip the stuff about turning into an eagle and a puddle. Zan turning into a freaking ICEBERG would have solved pretty much every problem those guys ever had, except maybe saving innocent lives on a so-called “unsinkable” ship. Jayna could pick any animal for all I care. It would just be a bonus. Maybe a polar bear? Eh.
But now that Popo and Nana can do this, does this mean they’re actually playable? I mean, I’m sure there are people out there who could finish the 15,000-man Melee with those guys without taking damage, but I’m not one of those people. I was one of those who was actively looking for a second beam saber while someone else was busy destroying me. So now, instead, I’ll run around New Pork City looking for a second beam saber, PULVERIZE all my enemies and then sigh because I still can’t dual-wield. Perfect!
Oh, and it might be a little unbalanced, too. I’m not here to figure these things out, unless I can’t think of anything else to write about. Just clarifying things.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>TUESDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various13.html"><strong>Training</strong></a>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/items/item12.html"><strong>Smart Bomb</strong></a>
<em>Pssssssst.</em>
Look! It’s Training Mode! It’s back! Phew, I was afraid they’d take it out. Why? Because it’s my only resort left, aside from turning all items but Beam Sabers off and setting them on Very High. Aside from that, it’s not very exciting at all. I always found training mode a lot more useful in, say, any given other fighting game ever. It’s a lot easier to master “Up+B” than “3/4s of a Circle Forward While in the Air + LK, HK, HP, 3/4s of a Circle Counterclockwise from the Top, PK, eat controller”. I can see myself practicing that one move all evening until I run out of controllers, but I don’t think I’ve ever spent more than two minutes in Smash’s training mode before, ever. I learned to play Smash by being destroyed by Kirby back when he was broken, getting up, then pressing Up+B to see what it did! And then I ate my controller out of habit. And I liked it that way! Pfah, kids these days.
Of course, I guess I could play Training Mode a bit just to kick that soccer ball around. …Wait, soccer ball?
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/soccerballpn7.png" alt="Even Mario's mugshot is confused!" />
…
Wait…
Where have I seen that before?
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/megamansoccerqm0.png" alt="I think Dr. Wily didn't do that to take over the world so much as because he secretly likes soccer." />
<strong>!!!</strong>
Moving on… it’s the Smart Bomb! I didn’t know they made those in handheld format, but I guess you can do anything you want those things. I mean, they’re set to only detonate when launched from an aircraft and not, say, when flown into at high speed. But hey, that’s neat! Item from Star Fox! What’s next? Double Lasers, which allow you to dual-wield any other item? I’d have to find a third and fourth beam sword for the Ice Climbers, though. Wing Repair, which repairs damaged wings and makes characters without them feel like they wasted their time? Prince Tricky, who can be thrown off the stage but still reappears to follow you around? The possibilities are endless.
This is also one of the few times I’m actually glad I watched an E for All gameplay video. I think the bomb’s explosion actually looks much neater in action than what the screenshots suggest. What can I say? I’m a simple guy who likes pretty and large explosions.
Oh, and that dud Electrode. Doesn’t it look sad? All it wanted was to explode.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>WEDNESDAY</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/howto/technique/technique08.html"><strong>Color changes</strong></a>
<em>The Dark Fox. That’s pretty cool.</em>
Oh boy! New colors! I’ve gotta say I was wishing for more honest-to-goodness model changes like Pikachu’s hats, but I’ll take what I can get. Plus, the news color schemes are still quite snazzy. Featuring such highlights as:
<strong>Fire Mario!</strong> Suddenly, it makes sense that Mario can shoot fireballs out of his hands without holding a fire flower. This reminds me. Why do Fire Flowers work differently, anyway? And since when could Mario shoot flames through nothing but the power of his will? I know he could do that in Super Mario RPG, at least, but he did it using Flower Points. Has he managed to absorb the flowers’ magic powers into his body, granting him supernatural abilities no ordinary man could ever hope to wield? Thus, whenever he has to actually become Fire Mario in newer games, he’s just holding back his true power in order to make things more exciting? Dang, Mario is more extreme than I thought.
<strong>Wario Mario!</strong> That one’s not new, but it amuses me. Wario is IN THE GAME, now. There’s no reason to steal his color scheme anymore, just like there’s no reason to steal Luigi’s. But come to think of it, Wario doesn’t really seem to be USING it anymore…
<strong>Eddie the Mean Old Yeti!</strong> No, seriously. Just look at him.
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/eddieyetihf5.png" alt="Eddie, have we got a deal, Eddie?" />
I like to think that I just triggered several traumatizing flashbacks.
<strong>Dark Link!</strong> Suddenly, every single Link player on Earth chooses a new favorite color scheme.
<strong>The Fusion Suit!</strong> It’s there! In all its ugly glory! Seriously, it’s so ugly that Nintendo now won’t dare make new games in which Samus is stuck in it. That’s my personal theory, anyway. …Heeeeey, wait. That’s not a Fusion Suit! It’s just a Varia Suit painted to look like one!
<strong>The Dark Fox!</strong> Um, does Fox turn evil in Star Fox Command? I don’t know, I didn’t play that game. Or maybe every Nintendo character has a Dark counterpart of some sort. That WOULD make sense. I think we’ve seen most of them so far already, at least.
<strong>Pikachu w/ Goggles!</strong> Oh wow, the next Digimon season is gonna be something else. …heeeey, wait. Didn’t someone else use to wear those? … … YES! YEEEEEEEEEESSS! WE’RE FINALLY RID OF HIM! YESSSSS! GIVE ME A HUG!
<strong>Original Zelda!</strong> Okay.
<strong>Goth Zelda!</strong> Much better!
<strong>Gold Pit!</strong> I guess it’s the next best thing to him using all those snazzy treasures.
<strong>Fallen Angel Pit!</strong> The evidence keeps piling up.
<strong>Ordinary Soldier Ike!</strong> Haha, Ike is cannon fodder, now! Expandable, repairable, replaceable cannon fodder! …Or not… Damn you, Fire Emblem, DAMN YOU! I’VE BEEN PLAYING THAT MISSION FOR AN HOUR! HE CAN’T DIE NOW!
<strong>Snake in his dad’s old clothes!</strong> Now people are going to confuse Solid Snake and Naked Snake even more than before! Remember, everyone. It’s easy to tell the difference even though they’re practically identical and have the same voice actor. Solid Snake has cigarettes. Naked Snake has cigars. Jake Snake does too, but he’s easier to recognize because he sets people on fire and has lasers.
If Ness gets a Dark Ness color scheme, I think my theory will be proven. …if he’s in the game, at least.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>THURSDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/items/assist/assist12.html"><strong>Saki Amamiya</strong></a>
<em>As with the original title, he speaks in English.</em>
Okay.
This is a little awkward. I never played Sin and Punishment. In fact, I hadn’t ever heard of it before it went up on the Virtual Console, and a huge fuss was made because it was previously Japan-only. Hm. Maybe I should play it before commenting on this update? Yes, I should do that in the name of journalistic integrity! All right, everyone. I’m downloading it off the Virtual Console right now. Just for YOU. Okay, done…
<strong><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/castle1et6.png" alt="Yes, it's actually Castlevania 2. Shhh." />
All right, let’s see what this is all about. I skipped the intro and title screen. I’m sure there wasn’t anything really interesting there anyway. Wow. Pretty primitive graphics, even for a N64 game. But I’m a Nintendo fan, I don’t judge by graphics. … This town is boring. I’m outta here.</strong>
<strong><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/castle2sa9.png" alt="Yes, the Angry Video Nerd did that before me. It's a reference! Not stolen humor!" />
Oh, cool music. This might be a nice game after all. Wait. What’s this about a curse? Who’s cursed? Who’s there? Why did you pause the action to tell me that so slowly? And where did that really sweet BGM go?</strong>
<strong><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/castle3dd0.png" alt="Yes, I'm being bad at this game on purpose. ... What?" />
Argh! Stupid werewolves, jumping on my head! What’s this, Bizarro Nintendo? I’m supposed to jump on your head, not the other way around! And don’t tell me THAT won’t work either? Okay. Three strikes, game. You’re out.</strong>
So it looks like Sin and Punishment isn’t the game for me. Sorry! But apparently, other people found it pretty cool, Saki looks pretty neat, and if the blog is to be believed, lots of people clamored for his appearance.
…
Wait.
<strong>HIS?!</strong>
<em>H-he has absolutely no problem fitting in!</em>
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" alt="Lucky you! You found this week's special Smash Icon with an alternate text!" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>FRIDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/howto/basic/basic09.html"><strong>Charged Special Moves</strong></a>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/lucas.html#3rd"><strong>Lucas: Final Smash</strong></a>
<em>P…K….</em>
First up is… an update about charged attacks. All involving characters who have been there since the first game in the series. Words fail me. I need to find a way to express how much I hate those Smash 101 updates. I need to take my anger out on SOMETHING. …Hey, I know! Pikachu, I choose you!
<em>Seventeen hours of neglectful training later…</em>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/pikachury9.png" alt="I actually just had him poisoned, but nothing you fight has Poison Sting before you beat Brock!" />
<strong>Ha ha! I made Pikachu cry!</strong>
Yes, only a Smash 101 update could drive me to such inhuman acts! Luckily, it was paired off with something else. What was that, now? Hmmm…
…
Wait.
Lucas can’t use Starstorm! That’s impossible! Impossible, I say! No! Nooo! NOOOOOOOO!! WHY, LUCAS, WHYYYY?!
What? What do you mean, overreacting? Don’t you understand the implications? Think about it a little. Yes! Yes, that’s it! If Lucas is using Starstorm as his ultimate move, this means that <strong>Poo won’t be playable</strong>! Poo is one of the only two Starstorm users I know of (Lucas NOT being the other one), and this is easily his best move ever. A shoe-in for a Final Smash, in fact. But if Lucas goes and steals it, this means… this means that the game’s developers have made up their mind! Poo will not have a Final Smash, and thus he won’t be playable! Curse you, Sakurai! This update is a piece of… of… of POO!
Oh, and I guess the fact that they didn’t use Lucas’ most obvious choice of move for a Final Smash means they either didn’t know how to deal with the fact that its name is user-generated, or didn’t want him to steal the thunder from another character with a very similar ultimate move. Wonder who that could be, though…
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" />
<h1>GAME!</h1>
<strong>1ST PLACE WINNER:</strong> Loads of 3-iconers! If I had to pick one, and I do, I’d go with the last one, the one with Starstorm in it. It didn’t particularly stand out, but the fuel for tinfoil hat conspiracy theories for Ness returning to the roster could’ve made it worth the while juuuuust a little!
<strong>LAST PLACE LOSER:</strong> Even though it was a double update, the Smart Bomb/Training Mode combo sort of blew… UP! Hahahahahahaha. Oh yeah.
A very very average week, overall. The fact that all but one update got 3 icons out of 5 wasn’t done on purpose! Rather, I blame that on pretty much every update being neither particularly groundbreaking nor depressing. Hopefully next week will have more to rant and rave about.
<strong>THIS WEEK’S OVERALL RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/world_w_01.gif" />
And that’s a wrap for this week! I hope almost everyone had fun reading this. I’d say “everyone”, but “almost everyone” seems like a more realistic objective. Tune in next week as we cover Dr. Mario’s dramatic reappearance, the mysterious SNES Mouse item, and the new Virtual Boy-Vision game mode! Until then, be sure to check your Virtual Console downloads twice, or you could be sorry!
