2001
Smash Journeyman
- Joined
- Apr 19, 2009
- Messages
- 307
Just the first part, paragraph, chapter, idk, to story I plan on actually finishing. I'm basically trying to create a character that lives a good and bad life. This part obviously isn't finished but just thought I'd post here to see how others thought I was doing so far.
Personally I think I really need to work on the last seven sentances maybe. Also, where you see question marks is where I don't know what word to put in or if I should put a different word in. If a question mark isn't there that doesn't mean I don't want your opinion on that word. Rip it up.
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My grandfather would take me to go golfing with him every weekend. He bought me the best clubs, as well as relevant apparel, and would teach me how to putt, and use a sand iron. "Matches are won in and around the green, Joni". I presupposed he was accustomed to seeing golfers soak in there anguish after giving up games they had all but won, in and around the green. Although my grandfather never was a professional golfer, he owned one of the most prestigious, and notorious courses in the world. Celebrity tournaments, invitationals, and heated rivalries with lucrative stakes were all common affairs at my grandfather's course. He abosrbed knowledge from watching his (????) compete, and recieved pointers through amicable conversations with them. My grandfather was wealthy, wise(?), and confident that I could be his successor, rather than his own son. My father was like a commercial failure in the eyes of his father. He was expected to rise up and replace, like I was, but amounted to nothing. Golf was dubbed too leisurely, and insulting to be called an occupation by my father. He much preferred the arduos, and ungrateful work of a coal miner. The only force that kept me from spending time with my father on the week ends, was my mother, who knew the mines were too dangerous for a boy. So I spent my time with my grandfather, which intrigued him, and infuriated my father. But he had no choice.
That means critique it. It's not that long.
Personally I think I really need to work on the last seven sentances maybe. Also, where you see question marks is where I don't know what word to put in or if I should put a different word in. If a question mark isn't there that doesn't mean I don't want your opinion on that word. Rip it up.
_________________________________________
My grandfather would take me to go golfing with him every weekend. He bought me the best clubs, as well as relevant apparel, and would teach me how to putt, and use a sand iron. "Matches are won in and around the green, Joni". I presupposed he was accustomed to seeing golfers soak in there anguish after giving up games they had all but won, in and around the green. Although my grandfather never was a professional golfer, he owned one of the most prestigious, and notorious courses in the world. Celebrity tournaments, invitationals, and heated rivalries with lucrative stakes were all common affairs at my grandfather's course. He abosrbed knowledge from watching his (????) compete, and recieved pointers through amicable conversations with them. My grandfather was wealthy, wise(?), and confident that I could be his successor, rather than his own son. My father was like a commercial failure in the eyes of his father. He was expected to rise up and replace, like I was, but amounted to nothing. Golf was dubbed too leisurely, and insulting to be called an occupation by my father. He much preferred the arduos, and ungrateful work of a coal miner. The only force that kept me from spending time with my father on the week ends, was my mother, who knew the mines were too dangerous for a boy. So I spent my time with my grandfather, which intrigued him, and infuriated my father. But he had no choice.
